A Room with a View

I went back to the gym today for the first time in almost a month. I had a lot of reasons why I could have let another day pass, but I went. I did it.

Even had that brief moment when the endorphins kicked in and I felt all euphoric. I smiled as I jogged on the dreadmill and looked out on a dreary day, thinking of what it would be like if my body would cooperate with me like this on a daily basis. How good would feel when the weather breaks and I can go for a jog outside. I imagined my hair piled up in a tight ponytail bobbing back and forth quaintly. The sun soaking my skin. The breeze hitting my bare skin as I galavant down a trail. I daydreamed of blue skies with puffy clouds, green grass, birds tweeting and little furry creatures scurrying about. Music blaring in my headphones. A good tune with good stride.

And then it all came to screeching halt as the pain my lower back shot through my right hip and down through my knee. This is what has caused me to stay out of the gym to begin with. It’s an old injury, a herniated disc that actually got flared up when I ended up in the hospital last month, which was followed by a flare up of my gastroparesis. This meant  I spent a lot of time laying around and there is nothing worse for a herniated disc than being in one position for an extended period of time and once it gets flared up, any position becomes pretty much unbearable. I can’t sit too long. I can’t stand too long. It’s stupid.

Thankfully, the solution is usually pretty simple. Well, as simple as having an epidural injection in your spine as compared to say … surgery. Now, it’s just a matter of time. Waiting for the doctor to get approval from the insurance company and scheduling the procedure.

But Im frustrated. I have to listen to my body and it is screaming obscenities at me right now.

News from the Job Front

It had been relatively quiet.

This was partly because of the job market – there wasn’t a whole lot of prospects. It was also because I was being picky. I figured it I was on unemployment and I had to apply for two jobs every week, they might as well be jobs that I REALLY, really wanted. When you have kids and a mortgage and bills, there aren’t too many times in life when you still have money coming in and can hold out. I was trying to hold. Then I crumbled and I applied for jobs with the firms I don’t really want to work for but will pay the bills…you know the ones…the creditor rights firms, i.e. bank/credit card/foreclosure lawyers…probably because they are the only ones getting paid too. UGH. But… I am just ready to pull myself up by bootstraps or rather…go wherever God wants me to be, even if thats someplace I’m not comfortable.

It went crazy from there. My phone blew up. I had phone interviews. Actual interviews that turned into two hour long, four attorney panel  interviews when I was just supposed to go in and meet with an HR manager and take a typing test. I still wasn’t thrilled but I was at least encouraged that I had sparked interest.

Then today, out of the blue my phone rings and its a head hunter. Turns out I had thrown my resume out there and a recruiter who has a contract for a government administration saw it and was really interested in my background with administrative law. She called me from a (703) number, which I instantly recognized as my old stomping ground – Metro DC – so we hit it off and talked for over an hour. She asked me to complete some other paperwork and get it back to her ASAP so she can set me for an interview because she thinks I’m well qualified for this position and they need someone, like yesterday.

I’m sweating a little because it’s way downtown … that’s gonna be a commute – more of a work/life balance issue, but a government job, even a contract one I’m thinking has to be better job security than what I’ve dealt with the past few years and probably a pay increase.

All of this aside though, if I had to hand pick a job – this would be exactly the kind of position I would want. It’s a little eerie.

So…say your prayers – and big fella, as always, your will – not mine, please.

Upside Down

Just when I thought I was getting used to life as I now know it….my little snow globe world has been picked up, shook and I’m waiting for all the snow to settle again I suppose.

~My Dad is in the hospital – AGAIN. Last summer he had this ultra rare stomach condition where air expands in the lining of the stomach. I guess something like 50 people have had this happen in the history of medical science, 9, including my Dad have survived. This means that doctors don’t really know what happens after the fact. As it turns out, when he stomach poofed up, it caused some tearing on the arteries that feed blood to the stomach. This has caused scar tissue which is slowing and at times prohibiting blood flow to the stomach. This is not good. Lack of blood flow=tissue dies=stomach dies=stomach removed=NOT GOOD. The only options there are right now is to continue to go and stint and/or stretch these arteries. However, you can’t do that too often because it could tear an artery. So, last option is bypass….same as heart bypass, but I guess when you do it on someone’s stomach arteries it’s EXTREMELY risky. I hate, HATE, all of this. It’s not fair. My father is the best Dad a girl could ask for. Most people would tell you he is one of the best people they’ve ever met. I honestly can’t keep count of the number of people who have told me that through the years. He’s just a great guy. It is beyond discouraging when I see him dealing with all of this and other piece of shit fathers/people seem just coasting through life. UGH!

~ Paperwork with THE EX is final. He signed paperwork stating he would not contact us and forfeits his parental rights in exchange for not having to pay child support. Selfishness is an ugly thing.

~ Things at work suck. My boss lacks any passion for….well, anything. It’s a cake job with good pay and benefits, but I don’t think it’s worth it. Found out Friday that he’s an even bigger douche than I could have possibly imagined AND he’s sexting another girl in the office who is TERRIFIED to do anything about it. Creeper. Trying to decide whether to circulate the resume and get the hell outta there or tough it out until I make a decision about law school.

~ Ive gotta make some decisions about law school. If I go, I need to just do it. i’m not getting any younger and neither are my kids and they’re going to college. Period. I graduated with my Bachelors last summer and decided to take some time to figure things out but if I wait too much longer, I won’t go. In order to go next Fall  (2011), I have to take the LSAT by this December at latest so I can put in my apps this Spring. Big decision. Aside from the financial investment, its a lot of sacrifice for the entire family and I’m just not sure  how much sacrifice is too much. The kids have been through a lot.

~ Its hard to make decisions when there are so many what-ifs involving the kids, mostly Pickle.  I’m not talking about regular what-ifs here. i’m talking about not knowing if he’s ever going to be able to come home because of the younger two kids. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much that pains my heart. When I start venturing down this thought track, it’s all down hill.

I really need to get to bed. The lack of sleep surely isn’t helping me get things turned around.

I Quit! (?)

Ive got a lot of decisions to make for my professional self.

Currently, I am working as a paralegal. In the position I currently hold, I work for a man I admire on a personal level but can’t handle working with on a professional level. Right now I work as an independent contractor, which means its part-time and I can work from home when I need to, which has been great with the kids and issues surrounding my parents health this year. However, to make a long story short – I require organization and scheduling and he is more a fly by the seat of my pants, shoot first and ask questions later type of business man.

I can go with the flow better than most, but when you wait until 15 minutes before I have to leave for the kids when I’ve been in the office all day, or wait til 7pm at night to to give me something that he assures me has to be done this instant, when I’ve been available and waiting all day, that’s not cool and when my paychecks start to bounce…I think it’s time to start reviewing other options.

Regardless of that mentioned above, an opprotunity presented itself and I agreed to go for an interview. The interview turned into a job offer that I really would be crazy to pass up. It’s full-time but the hours work great with me and my husband’s schedule. It would allow me to get them off to school and him to be here when they get home. There are also cheaper medical benefits available to me after 90 days than we currently have through my husband’s employer and I would have paid time off after 90 days and a weeks vacation time after 6 months. Free life and disability insurance paid for by the company. This is the job/benefits I would want if I decided not to continue on to law school.

I’ve been toying with continuing on to law school since before I even finished my Bachelors Degree this past summer. But it’s a HUGE decision. Aside from the personal sacrafice to myself and my family for another 3-5 years, it’s a financial one too and I’ve got kids who will be thinking about college in another 5-8 years. I’ve had attorneys in my life tell me I should definitely do it, I’d do well, I’ll get through it and then there have been others who have cautioned me against it. Not because they don’t think I would be good at it, but because if they had it to do over again – they may have chosen another avenue professionally. I’ve been told there is more job security and less stress in being a paralegal, IF you work for the right attorney. But that in and of itself may prove to be a bigger problem because, a lot of attorneys can be tough to work for. Which brings up my biggest hang up all….the fear that if I go to law school that I could become the kind of attorney that I absolutely hate. Ive been told that the attorneys people hate, were douchebags before they went to law school and only come out more full of themselves and so, I have nothing to worry about….but I wonder.

In the meantime, I think taking this job is a good move because if I am ever going to be able to make it work, this would be the  job to do it in. It’s an opprotunity I can’t pass on. It’s also a good time for me, personally and professionally to make this move in order to make other decisions in the next year about which way Im going. I know I’m doing the right thing, but it’s still hard to quit the job I currently have. I’m agonizing over writing my resigantion letter and how he’s going to take it. Ive made it possible to give him two weeks, but I’m afraid he’s going to get really upset when he sees my resignation. My husband says if that happens so be it. I keep trying to reason in my head that if I were getting canned I’d be given 10 minutes to collect my things and be shown to the door so essentially its the same thing if he gets upset, but I at least I did the right thing by extending the courtesy of notice, right?

I’ve only walked out on one job without notice and it was simply because I had been pushed to my breaking point and couldn’t do one more minute of work for such a pompous asshole.

I could start this job today, tomorrow, whenever, if I wanted to,  or if need be but, the bottom line is that I like my boss, personally, so I don’t want to burn any bridges.

I know this is the right thing to do, but it doesn’t make it any less awkward or difficult.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

A lot has changed.

Jer and I are have now been married over a year and are now in our new house. It’s beautiful. I love it. It’s our home. We talk about growing old in it and to be able to mentally put myself back in the shoes of growing old with somebody in and of itself is something. Wasn’t so long ago, I thought I would be doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. Not alone….obviously the kids would be there. I can’t imagine a life without them, but I mean taking the highs and lows without a partner to share the joy, the pain….all the bittersweet stuff that you want to turn to someone and just be able to look at them, remember it all without saying a word and know you’ve made it and that you’re going to make it.

I am now a college graduate. I earned my Bachelors in Legal Studies and walked in cap and gown and all that jazz. That was an amazing feat for me. I know, that other people have achieved more than a Bachelors. I know that other working mothers have earned their degrees. I commend them all. BUT, it was a monumental moment in my life. I’m not going to let anyone discount it. It means alot and I hope it says a lot about my perseverance and determination to more than just me. I couldn’t even begin to find the words of explaining how hard it was to keep that goal in focus at 2 o clock in the morning, while studying from a hospital room with The Pickle b.s. and especially in my last semester when I almost lost my father.

I almost lost my father. I type the words and tears come. But, the biggest lesson my father ever taught me was what got me through. Faith. A peace that passes all understanding. I knew that whatever happened, he was going to be ok and I was ok. Don’t get me wrong. There were moments when I lost it, when I thought how unfair it was that this was happening to our Dad, this good man. I asked the whys. And eventually the dark gave way to light, hope and believe it or not even more faith. My father survived in a 10% chance. God apparently doesn’t care for statistics. Boy, am I thankful for that.

After two years at a job that I tried to be thankful for, that I hoped would make me better professionally, I came to realize that it was a dead end and that it had made me into someone I didn’t like very much. Someone who began to resent when the kids needed me most because ultimately it meant that it would be held against me. The great working mom dilemna: more at work, less at home vs. more at home, less at work – feel guilty either way. Someone who would listen to bullshit and not call it. And the breaking point was a lack of respect and class so obvious, I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Yes, there were experiences I gained and people I hold dear from them, but the job….it was a hopeless situation that I couldn’t change and changing myself was not going to get me anywhere, professionally or otherwise. Not there, not anywhere. Perhaps status quo is good enough for some….perhaps settling and making it seem like more than it is, is enough….but, not for me. I left.

Once again, one door closed and another one opened. Not only did it come with more money and less hours….but as an added bonus, I’m now working for someone I always wanted to work for. An attorney who actually cares. (Yes, they do exist!) Not just that, but a real family man. A guy who gets it: There’s nothing more important than your family. And not just his family, but my family too. There’s nothing ingenuine about this man and he asks for my honest opinion…and by honest, I mean, even if we disagree, he respects that I said it and where it came from.  A man whose family has an intense legacy that is not just impressive on paper, but admirable in an ethical way that you just don’t see anymore. Not only am I happier, I’m excited and inspired.

I once heard someone say that it’s funny that as we go forward day to day in life nothing seems to change, but when you look back everything is different. Everything is so different from how it was…how I thought it would be. Everything is so much better than any plan I could’ve designed myself. Sometimes I think it really is better just to let go. You can’t control everything and if you get too caught up in your plans for the future, you miss the present entirely.

What’s that saying? Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans?

Ain’t that the truth!

Bitches be CRAZY!

There’s this girl I work with.

The first time that I laid eyes on her in my interview with my firm, I had a feeling that she could be a real bitch. I’ve since told her this and she admits Im right.

For awhile, I was wrong, at least where I was concerned. She took me under her wing, allowing me to network with her, taking me to business lunches and dinners. Always calling me away from work to do non-work stuff. It was alright. We began to get really close. She began to confide in me about her feelings about her family, her relationships and I, in turn, followed suit. She also still remained pretty damn bitchy and two-faced to everyone around.

I kinda admired her because she had gone to law school while she was married and had kids, which is something I always wanted, but considered unattainable. It was nice to have someone around that I had a lot in common with…or so I thought.

Something else happened too. I didn’t notice it at first but then it happened so much, it was hard not to. If I went and bought a new pair of shoes, she went and bought new shoes. When I starting treating myself to pedicures, she started to treat herself to pedicures. When I bought a new car, she bought a new car. When I got engaged, she got engaged. It kinda became a joke in the office.

Fast forward to this past summer before my wedding. She begins to make herself indispensable. She helps with everything, knows someone who can do this or do that. Is completely supportive when people in my family start driving me crazy and when the shit hits the fan with my maid of honor, she even offers to step up and purchase the gown and be in the wedding – for me. She planned my bachelorette party, gave us a wonderful night out on the town and a night in a very nice (and expensive) hotel room. Two days before my wedding she got the office to pitch in and get me an hour long massage, sent me home early and gave me a paid day off the next day.

After the wedding and honeymoon, she decides to take a cruise with her fiance’ to the Bahamas. Before she leaves she discusses with me the possibility of taking on a huge project to manage our cases statute of limitations dates. (Sidenote: By law, all legal actions have a specific time period determiend by statute in which it can be pursued. For example: If you are in a car accident, in the state of Ohio, you have two years from the date of the accident in which to bring forward a claim with the court. Should you bring the claim 4 years later, you are barred from pursuing it due to the statute of limitations.) I literally know nothing, at that point, about workers compensation statues because they are run by an administration, like Social Security, but I agree to tackle this project with her. She hands me a printed info sheet from the Bureau of Workers Compensation about how to determine statute date for the claims (time starts based on last date of treatment) and tells me that we’ll figure it out when she gets back.

This is also the point in time where things with my oldest son took a turn for the worst. He ended up being hospitalized 4 times within 4 months due to changes in mental status and increased seizures. I missed time from work. All the while, I juggled everything, going into work on weekends to make sure things were done.  

One day after I returned from one of these overnight hospital stays, another girl in the office, comes to me and says listen, yesterday after she came in and asked where you were and after I told her that you were at the hospital with your son, she said to me that I was going to have to help her with the workers comp statute project because you were completely useless. Oh, really??? Because this is the first time she’s mentioned it since she returned from her trip. I take it into my own hands. About 5 minutes later, she comes downstairs and I ask her to review her calendar with me so that we can schedule time for her and I to develop a format for the database. She doesn’t ask me for the time – I ask her. We set the time aside, we decide how to proceed and the other girl and I begin tackling this project head on. In order to do this, we have to utilize the others office and computer with the proper software and case information. Nearly everytime we do this, she will rearrange her schedule and ends up needing her office.

A few weeks into this, my son has to be hospitalized again. When I go and tell our office manager, he tells me that things just aren’t working out with me because I have to miss so much time and that we are going to have to have a meeting with the attorneys in the office the next day. I’m devastated but there’s nothing I can do about missing the time….literally, the choices are: 1. Cure epilepsy and keep my job or 2. Go to hospital with son and get fired. I begin to panic and text her about it. She sympathizes with me, telling me shes a Mom and she understands, we’ll have the meeting and see what happens. It just so happens that I’m now left alone with the other two attorneys…so I go ask them both when they have time to have a meeting the next day. They inquire what for and when I tell them they both balk at the idea that I’m going anywhere. In fact, the head partner tells me “Hey, I’m in charge and as long as I am, you’re not going anywhere.” So this begs the question – if there are three attorneys in the office and two of them don’t want me to leave, where did the office manager get this idea that I’m leaving, because he doesn’t have that authority. I tell her no meeting tomorrow and what the main partner had said. Mind you, she doesn’t know I’m still at the office at this point. She calls the office. Other attorney picks up the phone. I can hear her screaming on the phone to him about ME. I overhear him tell her, “You’re just going to have to deal with it. These circusmtances are out of her control…yada, yada, yada.”

What a fucking two faced bitch! All along – it was her orchestrating this whole, ‘Get rid of Stephanie’ plan. Why the fuck would ANYONE do that??? Is she a sociopath? Seriously, if you had issues with my attendance why not just tell me instead of sympathizing and acting like my hero? I can’t figure it out. Did I miss some class that they teach women about being catty, back stabbing bitches? It’s just beyond me, mostly I guess because that is something I would NEVER do and since I wouldn’t do it I did not recognize nor can I understand it. Why go through all this trouble of pretending to be my friend and doing all this stuff, being in my wedding for God’s sake! WTF did I miss, people? But, the kicker is there’s nothing I can do because obviously, its a job and I need to support my family.

The other girl in the office tells me that she thinks she is threatened by me because while she’s playing nice and playing intelligent….I actually am. (Just realized that was a compliment to me)

Anyways, I decide not to call her on it and see how it plays out. The next day she storms into the office, retreats to her office and slams the door. The other girl in the office and I can hardly contain ourselves at her bratty, spoiled child routine.

I go to the hospital with my son. Of course, when I return The other girl tells me all about how she has been bad mouthing me at every turn. Serisously, wtf? We continue working on the workers comp project and start discovering that she has already missed some statute dates. This is NOT good. This is actually malpractice. I bring these issues to her attention quietly and keep on with the project. I notice that there is a lot she doesn’t know about working these cases and by the time I’m done with the project, I’m not longer asking her questions about the cases, she’s asking me. I also take note at how shitty she is to the other girl. Asking her to take on responsibilities she isn’t trained for or hired for, more or less because she’s trying to create the appearance that I’m never around to give these things to and its burdening her, but she’s not buying it and catches on as well.

In the meantime, the main partner is on the verge of retirement and she and the other gentleman attorney are trying to buy out the practice from him. I notice how precise she is at turning on the fake respectful charm with the retiring attorney and how fiercely disrespectful and catty she is behind his back. She actually came to us at one point in time and tells us that we have to push the retiring attorney out. He’s hogging up all the cash at the top. She acts as if shes owed, shes entitled to the practice on her terms and if he doesn’t like them, tough. Did I mention she’s only 2 years older than me and only 3 years out of law school??? Unfortunately, the other gentleman attorney isn’t privy to catty female tactics and isn’t a leader so we start becoming increasingly concerned that if the main attorney goes, SHE’ll pretty much be in charge and as shady as she is now to the people that work for her, that would not be an inviting work environment. Turns out we’re not the only ones who notice…because retiring attorney comes to us on the side, and asks us to start updating him daily on EVERYTHING that happens in the office. He takes a vacation, pretty much leaving the other two with enough rope to hang themselves. He asks that we begin CCing him on all our emails while he’s gone so that he knows exactly whats going on.

At last, the workers comp project is done. I compose a memo regarding the completion and those cases which have missed statute dates that need to be addressed immediately and CC the main partner. Turns out he knew NOTHING about this. He sees the email and comes into my office fuming and rightly so. He wants the files, he has me go through them with him, he sees all of my notes, he sees nothing has been done by her, he gets the picture. So…with me in the room he picks up the phone and dials her cell, he presses his finger to his lips for me to remain silent. He asks her about the email, he asks about the files. Not only does she lie and does he know that she lied, she blames me.

After doing all this work, her work …. she blames me. She says I didn’t do the list fast enough and she had been asking me to do for over a year. Turns out the statutes that were blown happened before she even asked me to start this project, (Remember the paper she printed out the day before she left for vacation – well guess what? it had the date it was printed on it, and guess what? I kept it.) and some of them had passed before I even worked there. Which now makes me wonder – did she set up this whole project because SHE KNEW she had already blown the statute dates and she needed a scape goat so she just tossed me under the bus???

All this backstabbing bullshit has pretty much lead to the main partner deciding that he is NO WAY dropping his 30 year practice into the other twos lap right now and he’s pretty much going to make it as hard as possible or just sell it out from under them. He told us about a month ago when he took us out to lunch. He broke the news to them today, but in reality, he’ll sell just not to deal with this shit anymore.

I know this is a long story but this is the best part. We’re leaving the office at the same time today and she looks furious and dejected. I ask if she’s ok. She turns and says to me:

“I just don’t like being jerked around or playing head games.” 

Seriously???? I could’ve died.

I just don’t get it.

So much to say, so little time

Well a lot has happened in the last two weeks…

Children Services has been out to interview my kids. They also went over and interviewed PlayDoh. The stories were consistent, the details of the games, the porno, the acts and there was even more. Jedi revealed a lot more when he talked to the lady from Children Services. So much more. Pickle admitted to things he most certainly shouldn’t have done. Jedi’s story is consistent with Pickle’s that PlayDoh started it. Aside from that, Pickle is cognitively disabled and very sheltered, a lot of the “acts” that were acted out, were things he’d have NO IDEA about.

Yes, I know his history makes him more statistically probable but, in 9 years that I’ve been with him, there was nothing. But we are going through a divorce, which is a potential trigger considering ElChuba and the Eggdonor were going through a divorce when he was victimized.

This is just beyond fucked up. Especially since I specifically made the point about this being a potential trigger for Pickle so fucking clear!

(deep breath)

Let me be very clear about something …  I’m not trying to persecute this other little boy. I want someone to pay attention to him. Something has happened to him. Little kids just don’t wake up one day with these ideas. They came from somewhere and the most unfortunate part of all of this is … the social worker told me, ElChuba and Stanksy were more frustrated at the annoyance and hassle of the situation, then they are concerned for any of the kids. Her words, not mine.

Visitations have been nixed for the short run. He can only have supervised visitations once a week with a social worker present and he must pay for them, which means – he’s probably not going to see them. They haven’t seen or talked to him in two weeks, and the weirdest thing about it is, they’ve been just fine with that. Not only have they not asked for him … they haven’t said a word about him. That to me, speaks VOLUMES about the level of his involvement in their lives.

They all are in counseling now, and I’ve made an appointment for a forensic interview for them at Children’s Hospital at the end of the month. I just cannot even go there in my head right now.

I hear everyone telling me that I’m doing, everything I can, but it doesn’t seem like enough. These are MY CHILDREN, something horrific happened to them. How am I not to blame? I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I told my attorney. I told Jer, I told my Mom and I know there was nothing I could do… I know that. I couldn’t have stopped visitations or I’d have been found in contempt. I tried talking to ElChuba and he ignored me. But GOD DAMNIT – why couldn’t I stop this? Why didn’t the years of me talking to Pickle, and years of counseling do anything to protect him from this happening again? From it happening to another child?

To say the least, the days after the interview have been hard. Hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to leave my children. Unexpected panic attacks, fits of rage, waves of sadness. It’s been overwhelming. I had to go to my doctor and get something for my nerves. I was given a couple days worth of Xanex and then switched over to something way less addictive. Addiction seems to run in my family so, I am very leery of drugs. They want to put me on a anti-depressant, but I just can’t. I’ve tried everything on the market over the years and it seems to work for awhile and then it just fades off. Aside from that, my problem isn’t so much depression as it is that my mind won’t stop racing. That my friends, is anxiety. So, now I have to see a psychiatrist. Not a therapist, a psychiatrist. I’m thrilled – really.

I resigned from my job. I had to miss a couple days of work in June because of going to court and because of things needed since this happened. Then I have three additional days this month, that I would need off to go to court and to take the kids to the appointments Children Services feels they need to have, not to mention the counseling appointments. When I went and asked for the additional days, he told me that while he understood my situation, he couldn’t give me the time off and I should probably resign. What choice did I have?

Because of this – we withdrew our application to adopt Puggles. Any extra money we thought we had will now go to paying bills and my attorney for all the extra work he’s had to do. This also means there won’t be extra money for traveling this summer, which is a bummer. I was really, REALLY looking forward to taking the kids to places without having that sick to my stomach worry of how ElChuba might drink or embarrass us. God knows I want nothing more than to get the hell out of here now. I’m hoping family might make it up here. God knows I need them. My parents, God bless them, are just awesomely supportive and helpful. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

I cannot give enough credit to Jer. I can’t tell you how many nights he’s literally rocked me to sleep while I sobbed and then he turned around and got up at 5 am to go to work. He didn’t bat an eye when I told him I resigned, he told me we’d get by. He told me there was probably a reason for it and that what I was doing for the kids was more important than anything I’d do at work, or any paycheck that would provide anything else.

Aside from what he does for me, he’s been great with the kids. He helps me put them to bed at night and tells them their safe and we’re both here and he’s not going to let anything happen to them. When Jedi has been waking up in the middle of the night, Jer gets up with me and helps me get him back to bed, talking him down, showing him everything is ok. We’ve been doing a lot of stuff as a family, picnics at the park, water gun fights, watching movies together … and it makes a world of difference.

I know this is an all kinds of fucked up, far from fairy tale world I’ve gots going here, but Jer is definitely my knight in shining armor. He’s surely saved me … and my kids.

So, I’m hanging on.

We all are.         ~          Together.