I’ll believe it when I see it

Today was visitation day for the kids with the El Chupa Douchebag. He called this morning to see who would be attending as in recent weeks both of the boys have more or less thrown in the towel in regards to playing the games their father engages in. I tell him it will most likely only be Diva. He says that sucks. I concur, but what can I do? He asks to talk to the boys and only Jedi will come to the phone.

Before I hand the phone over I hear Stankcy and PlayDoh in the background and I ask him if he can go somewhere alone so that when Jedi gets on the phone that he doesn’t hear PlayDoh as there are so many issues that involve him. Apparently when he goes away to get some quiet private time, “she” freaks out because “she” thinks he’s talking to me. This gets him pretty heated and they get into an argument. I explain that I’m not trying to cause problems, that I don’t care about “her” or “them” but I’m just trying to make things work for the kids. He says he knows, which shocks me and then he goes on to tell me that she’s a selfish bitch and that he’s started to see all the ways in which she has destroyed his relationship with “his family”.As I expected, Jedi has a meltdown about going to see his El Chupa so I take Diva over to my parents so that they can transport her to the visit.

I’m crying it’s just really emotionally draining to see your kids stress so much over seeing their “father”, for the love of God.

I send him a text message letting him know we’re running a few minutes late and that only Diva will be coming. He calls the house and is actually cordial to Jer. Asks him if there is anything he can do to help. Jer tells him he doesn’t know and he’ll have me call him later. El Chupa calls my cell and asks me what he can do. I tell him that all I can offer is my opinion and I already know he doesn’t want to hear it. He tells me that I’m the mother of his children, that makes my opinion matter. (Who is this person?)  I tell him… the kids problem with you is that: 1. they don’t like the way they see/hear you treat me and;;

2. that you live with “her” and after everything they feel like you betrayed them – those are their words, not mine. He actually says, that he can see why they might feel that way. I tell him that he needs to understand that they don’t feel that way because of me though. He stops me and tells me he knows. I tell him that he needs to stop telling them that he’s not mad and that he’s not being mean to anybody because they’re not stupid, they know he has and then they think he’s a liar. I tell him what you need to say is “I’m sorry, I’ve been a jerk. I was wrong. .I’ll try harder” and then DO IT.

He tells me he’s sorry. I tell him I don’t want to hear “sorry”, I’ve heard it for 10 years, enough, I just want him to make it right with them. He tells me he will. He says she’s a selfish bitch and she’s made this situation a win-win for her and a lose-lose for him and that he was blinded by it for way too long. I tell him I tried to tell him, but he didn’t want to her it. He says he couldn’t hear it. I told him that Jer even says that everything changed when he moved in with her. Sure, we had our issues and arguments, but we were always able to set it aside for the kids. We had dinner together and went to school functions together and they spent the night when they wanted. Then that stopped because “she” was jealous of him being around me, of his relationship with the kids. “She” started filling his head with b.s. because it worked to her advantage to turn him against us, but HE LET HER. He tells me he’s going to make it right.

That might have been a good decision a YEAR AGO.

(sigh)

The thing that makes this strange is that on Thursday he signed the papers ending our Shared Parenting Plan, giving me full custody and legal guardianship of the kids. The only parenting rights he retained were supervised visits. In the past, when he has played this hand with me, it has been prior to a court decision or agreement in Order to make me feel sorry for him and to cut him some slack. That’s not the case now.

I’m very suspicious of ulterior motives here. I’m also keenly aware that in the past, I was the “selfish bitch” so I don’t like the finger pointing that’s going on there, but he did also say it wasn’t just that, that it was his own actions as well.

Diva comes home from visitation and says “Daddy says he’s not going to be a jerk anymore“. My Mom says, “He was different today

Weird. That’s all I can say.

I’ll believe it when I see it.

It’s not fair.

As if it’s not enough that I had to quit my job so that I could be home with my children and get them through all of this….now, I have to take the time I need to devote to them, in order to prepare to defend myself against nothing. It’s just ElChuba and Stankcy’s accusations that I’m a liar. So, I have to go through and transcribe phone conversations myself, so I don’t have to pay my attorney’s office, cause now that I’m not working, I surely can’t afford it. (By the way, for anyone who’s looking for a last minute gift for my birthday Friday, I’d take a donation to my paypal account so I can keep my attorney in paper. It’s a vicious cycle because, as I’m trying to prepare for court, the kids are constantly interrupting, which makes everything more annoying and stressful. They’re just being kids. I want them to just be kids. I want to be able to enjoy them just being kids and I can’t. I HAVE TO DO THIS. And in the meantime, he does nothing…NOTHING. He doesn’t have to do a damn thing except sit back and complain and point the finger. When if he had been being a father to begin with, none of this would’ve happened.

Despite making an exception for supervised visitation so that he could see his children, it’s my fault that he can’t see them, because he can’t afford it. CAN’T AFFORD IT?  Listen, as a parent I can tell you – there is NOTHING that could keep me away from my children. NOTHING. If I didn’t have cash on hand for the visits, which are only $40 per hour for the social worker’s time – you better believe I do whatever it took to get. I’d ask my friends and family for help. I’d beg for it. Hell, I just start selling shit off in order to see my kids. IT’S AN EXCUSE.

This all just makes me sick to my stomach.

When we went to court last Friday, all he talked about was himself. He was more interested in covering his own ass than he was in his own kids and what has happened to them. He actually submitted an affidavit to the court, a sworn testimony, that said everything I told the court that happened to the kids had “no basis in fact” THEN we go to mediation last Friday, and he says right in the middle of it, that he knows something happened. What is that? I’ll tell what it is, aside from sick, it’s perjury.

Do you know he looked me right in the eye and said I can’t believe YOU’RE doing this to them. That YOU’RE keeping them away from their father. As if all of this is MY fault. I didn’t do this to them. In fact, when I went to him with it, he didn’t believe me. When I told him he could have visitation anywhere but there, he just insisted on ignoring me, said nothing to ease my mind, nothing to protect the kids, he just wanted his visitation. What choice did he leave me with but to stop visitation? Am I really supposed to rely on his merit? And then I am the one who tells my attorney I don’t want to keep him away from them, that I just want to protect them, I don’t want to make it any  harder on them, I ask for the supervised visits and then it’s my fault that he can’t afford it?

C’mon

And you know what really sucks?

Being the only person whose stood up for the kids through all this and as if it’s not enough that I’m on my own and he’s denying it, I have to be persecuted. His stupid girlfriend has to start saying that I’m immature and that she thinks I have some kind of personality disorder. That’s what I get for doing what I’m supposed to do for my kids?

I’m thinking you know..how horrible to not have him on my side, on my kids side. And why does there have to be a side, why isn’t it a given? Why does everything have to be a fight? And why do I have to fight for my children, against their father?

I’m so tired of fighting.

It’s just not fair.

So much to say, so little time

Well a lot has happened in the last two weeks…

Children Services has been out to interview my kids. They also went over and interviewed PlayDoh. The stories were consistent, the details of the games, the porno, the acts and there was even more. Jedi revealed a lot more when he talked to the lady from Children Services. So much more. Pickle admitted to things he most certainly shouldn’t have done. Jedi’s story is consistent with Pickle’s that PlayDoh started it. Aside from that, Pickle is cognitively disabled and very sheltered, a lot of the “acts” that were acted out, were things he’d have NO IDEA about.

Yes, I know his history makes him more statistically probable but, in 9 years that I’ve been with him, there was nothing. But we are going through a divorce, which is a potential trigger considering ElChuba and the Eggdonor were going through a divorce when he was victimized.

This is just beyond fucked up. Especially since I specifically made the point about this being a potential trigger for Pickle so fucking clear!

(deep breath)

Let me be very clear about something …  I’m not trying to persecute this other little boy. I want someone to pay attention to him. Something has happened to him. Little kids just don’t wake up one day with these ideas. They came from somewhere and the most unfortunate part of all of this is … the social worker told me, ElChuba and Stanksy were more frustrated at the annoyance and hassle of the situation, then they are concerned for any of the kids. Her words, not mine.

Visitations have been nixed for the short run. He can only have supervised visitations once a week with a social worker present and he must pay for them, which means – he’s probably not going to see them. They haven’t seen or talked to him in two weeks, and the weirdest thing about it is, they’ve been just fine with that. Not only have they not asked for him … they haven’t said a word about him. That to me, speaks VOLUMES about the level of his involvement in their lives.

They all are in counseling now, and I’ve made an appointment for a forensic interview for them at Children’s Hospital at the end of the month. I just cannot even go there in my head right now.

I hear everyone telling me that I’m doing, everything I can, but it doesn’t seem like enough. These are MY CHILDREN, something horrific happened to them. How am I not to blame? I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I told my attorney. I told Jer, I told my Mom and I know there was nothing I could do… I know that. I couldn’t have stopped visitations or I’d have been found in contempt. I tried talking to ElChuba and he ignored me. But GOD DAMNIT – why couldn’t I stop this? Why didn’t the years of me talking to Pickle, and years of counseling do anything to protect him from this happening again? From it happening to another child?

To say the least, the days after the interview have been hard. Hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to leave my children. Unexpected panic attacks, fits of rage, waves of sadness. It’s been overwhelming. I had to go to my doctor and get something for my nerves. I was given a couple days worth of Xanex and then switched over to something way less addictive. Addiction seems to run in my family so, I am very leery of drugs. They want to put me on a anti-depressant, but I just can’t. I’ve tried everything on the market over the years and it seems to work for awhile and then it just fades off. Aside from that, my problem isn’t so much depression as it is that my mind won’t stop racing. That my friends, is anxiety. So, now I have to see a psychiatrist. Not a therapist, a psychiatrist. I’m thrilled – really.

I resigned from my job. I had to miss a couple days of work in June because of going to court and because of things needed since this happened. Then I have three additional days this month, that I would need off to go to court and to take the kids to the appointments Children Services feels they need to have, not to mention the counseling appointments. When I went and asked for the additional days, he told me that while he understood my situation, he couldn’t give me the time off and I should probably resign. What choice did I have?

Because of this – we withdrew our application to adopt Puggles. Any extra money we thought we had will now go to paying bills and my attorney for all the extra work he’s had to do. This also means there won’t be extra money for traveling this summer, which is a bummer. I was really, REALLY looking forward to taking the kids to places without having that sick to my stomach worry of how ElChuba might drink or embarrass us. God knows I want nothing more than to get the hell out of here now. I’m hoping family might make it up here. God knows I need them. My parents, God bless them, are just awesomely supportive and helpful. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

I cannot give enough credit to Jer. I can’t tell you how many nights he’s literally rocked me to sleep while I sobbed and then he turned around and got up at 5 am to go to work. He didn’t bat an eye when I told him I resigned, he told me we’d get by. He told me there was probably a reason for it and that what I was doing for the kids was more important than anything I’d do at work, or any paycheck that would provide anything else.

Aside from what he does for me, he’s been great with the kids. He helps me put them to bed at night and tells them their safe and we’re both here and he’s not going to let anything happen to them. When Jedi has been waking up in the middle of the night, Jer gets up with me and helps me get him back to bed, talking him down, showing him everything is ok. We’ve been doing a lot of stuff as a family, picnics at the park, water gun fights, watching movies together … and it makes a world of difference.

I know this is an all kinds of fucked up, far from fairy tale world I’ve gots going here, but Jer is definitely my knight in shining armor. He’s surely saved me … and my kids.

So, I’m hanging on.

We all are.         ~          Together.

Father’s Day

The last couple days have brought about a lot of issues in lieu of Father’s Day that have sent my heart in roller coaster mode.

It started on Thursday on my way into work when the kids and I heard a commercial on the radio about Father’s Day. The kids started asking me when it was. Then out of nowhere Pickle says, “Mom, I want to get Jer something for Father’s Day for being such a good friend to us. I know he’s not my Dad, but he takes good care of us.”  I told him that I thought that was a very nice thing to do. But I didn’t know how to handle it. On one hand, I like that he sees the good man that Jer is and appreciates it, but on another hand … it’s sad, that he was the first person he thought about on Father’s Day.

When I went to get my Dad’s card, Pickle picked out a card for Jer from the kids and I let Jedi pick one out for the El Chupa. This was a hard pill to swallow as well since he didn’t help the kids do anything for me for Mother’s Day. I regressed that notion since, I don’t want to sink to that level of animosity that won’t allow me to teach my children respect and appreciation of the other parent.

Last night, before I put the kids to bed, I got the cards out for the kids to sign. Pickle took a lot of pride in my Dad’s card and Jer’s, but then refused to sign his El Chuhpa’s When I told him not to be like that and reminded him of the things he HAS done for him, like camping and four-wheeling last weekend, he rolled his eyes, picked up the pen and wrote his name and then said, “He probably won’t even show up.” Ouch.

My parents came over so the kids could give their gifts to Papa since they weren’t going to be here today. When Pickle overheard my Mom talking about going to church and to lunch with my Dad tomorrow, he hugged my Mom in a sad, mopey way and told her he wanted to go with her and he didn’t want to go to El Chupa’s tomorrow. I told him again, that his Dad loved him and that it was Father’s Day and he needed to spend some time with him.

He was very mad at me this morning. Was in tears talking to me about not wanting to go today. I finally, just had to get stern with him and tell him, It’s Father’s Day, you’re going with your Dad, that’s it.  He loosened up a little bit when I told him they would probably be going out to his Nana’s house to visit with El Chupa’s Dad. Then he wasn’t here at 9am. When I told him he was running late. he again said, he probably won’t come. Despite me reminding him that he needed to get his Dad’s Father’s Day cards before he left, he just looked at me and walked out the door. Jedi and Diva got the stuff and took it out to him and I sat here on the couch crying. All of this really sucked.

I was already upset that EX waited until 8:36 this morning to tell me he wouldn’t be here until 10:30. I had plans to go to church with my Dad today and church starts at 10:30 and is a half hour away. It’s hard to encourage your child to be positive about a situation you already have your own feelings about. Then, as I’m sitting here trying to rush and do schoolwork so I can go have lunch with my Dad AFTER church, I get a text message from him saying he’ll be bringing the kids home at 3pm. Wtf? He hasn’t seen his kids in a week, it’s Father’s Day, a day about a man who has children, and he doesn’t want his time? His scheduled visitation was from 9am- 7pm. This means that I will now have to rush along my plans, changing them once again, because he can’t do what he’s supposed to. I try telling him I have plans and he texts me and says, then I will have to pick them up. This would be an exception to the restraining order, so I won’t agree. then he sends me a text telling me can’t drop them off here at 7 because he has to pick up HER kids. Whoooooooaaaa. No. SHE needs to pick up HER kids. They don’t need to hold each others hands to be parents. And if she knew she had to pick up her kids at a time that would interfere with his visitation why would she come with him, knowing he’ll have to give up his time?  He sees her kids more than he does his own! So, when I start explaining that I’ve now had to change my plans twice all because of HER schedule, he tells me it’s none of my business. When I point out that it’s like this for every visitation, there’s always some excuse, he starts telling me how I’M not working in the kids best interest. It’s all MY FAULT because I won’t drive them out there because I’m bitter and he gives me all this money in child support so I should do something with that money to help him., the economy’s fault because they can only afford to put gas in one car? (yet he has a company vehicle as well, and his company pays for all the gas he uses all week long)  He tells me that I don’t understand because I don’t have to do the driving, I just have to wait for him.  I’m sorry, but didn’t he know where his kids lived when he moved that far away? This would be like him moving to Illinois and expecting me to pay for plane tickets. And as far as child support goes, he gets 50% of his income for just himself, I get 50% of his income for 3 KIDS. And what about all the driving I do to doctor’s appointments, baseball practices and games, swimming lessons, school conferences? I’m always on time and him? He just never shows. But, you know, I know he has to work so I don’t make it this issue of him being a bad father, but yet everything I do, or don’t do is an issue of me being a bad mother.

It’s interesting because I remember in the past him being completely furious at his ex wife when she picked Pickle up late and dropped him off early. How irate he would be at her audacity for her to expect him to rearrange his life, or that her life didn’t revolve around her son, that spending time wasn’t the most important thing, complaining about how everything was always a bigger priority than him. The way his mother and his other family members would put her down and call her trash because of it. Ironic, isn’t it? That now he makes me out to be the bitch because I have those expectations of him for his children?

And the bullshit continued, after rushing through lunch with my Dad, he didn’t show up til after 3:30. The kids come running in telling me how Daddy got a dog and Pickle starts talking about how he’s crazy because he thought I would be mad that he got a dog for Father’s Day. Jedi telling me he wanted to bring it in for me to see it.  I called him and ask why he would tell the kids that? He says because it was what he thought. When I try to tell him I don’t care, it’s cool, whatever, we’re getting ready to get a dog, I get it, but that it’s a little baffling that he would take on the cost of raising a dog when he says he can’t afford to buy gas to see his kids. Does that seem strange to anyone but me? He starts telling me his finances are none of my business. Yet I have to wonder when he’s telling my kids I have all of his money and they’re asking me questions like, why can Daddy buy Stankcy a ring but he can’t buy gas to come see us. These are THEIR questions. Then he accuses me of feeding this. Do you know how insulting that is when I’m CONSTANTLY trying to put my own feelings aside and trying to encourage the kids relationship with him? I don’t think anyone can appreciate the fresh hell that is.

(sigh) Really, I ‘m not sure what to do about any of this, that I’m not already doing.

What I do know, is that I will be forever grateful to my father for being a man who has shown up and been an awesome father figure not only to me, but to my children as well, and for a man, like Jer, who steps in and not only fills shoes that aren’t his to fill without excuses, but doesn’t bat an eye or expect any special recognition in return.

I’ll thank God for those men … everyday.

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

I’ve spent the last two days running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Filling out paperwork for work, for daycare, for school. It’s been a whirlwind.

In the midst of this it struck me that I was going to have to tell the El Chupa Douchebag about my new job and about the daycare because he is required to pay 1/2 the child care costs. So, I since I never TELL him anything, I wrote him a nice letter telling him I start on the 1st, where I had enrolled the kids, what the cost was and what he was responsible for. I also told him that I hoped it would help him be more consistent with the kids visitations, since he could just pick them up from daycare and wouldn’t have to bother with an escort or witness and the center is a little closer to him as well, which will save him gas.

His response? He calls me, while he has the kids for visitation to tell me that he wasn’t paying for anything until it was worked out in court and that since the restraining order only specifies that he can pick the kids up here at 5:30pm, that’s what he would do and if I wasn’t here with them he would just go to the police. No, it’s not a typo – that’s really what he said.  I tried explaining to him that our divorce decree provides that he is required to pay for half of childcare costs, and he said the whole things is too vague and works to my favor.  I said that it was the agreement we both reviewed and signed together. Then I tried explaining that the restraining order doesn’t include the kids, that they are not listed as protected persons, and that the only reason it says anything about picking them up and dropping them off here, was because I made that exception for him and them, because otherwise he wouldn’t be allowed on the premises. Of course, he won’t listen, because he’d rather make things difficult. He kept insisting he wasn’t allowed to pick them up and he refused to make any other arrangements.

So I  asked him, “What are you gonna do then, miss all your visitations with the kids, cause there’s no way I’ll be here by 5:30? I’m trying to make other arrangements.”

and he said, “No, I’ll be where I’m supposed to be.”

What a fucktard. (severe eyeroll)

I told him several times that he was misinterpting the restraining order and that the kids were only included in it BEFORE there were other measures in place with our Shared Parenting Plan and since that was the most recent thing on file…that’s what he’s entitled to. I told him he know in his heart that I would never call the cops on him for spending time with his kids.

I told him that I thought he should call his attorney in the morning and that I was sure he/she could help him better understand his rights and obligations. He said he would just go to the police or the court. He really wasn’t making any sense to be honest. I told him that he only had so much time with his kids and that he should spend it with them. He hung up on me only to call me back 30 minutes later, to go and on and on about the same things. Asking how I could expect him to come with an extra $150 by June 1st for their daycare? I told him I would go ahead and pay it, but he would need to pay it back to me by the 15th. He refused. He asked me how I could expect him to pay this on top of his child support and that child support needed to be adjusted. When I told him I had used the same child support calculator he had before (alllaw.com) and it worked out to be about the same. He started asking me why he should even work, all he does is give it to me. I told him it wasn’t me. It was for his children and that as their father he should want to take care of them. Then he asked why I would work if it was all the same.  Asked me how I could make such big decisions without consulting him? How this wasn’t in their best interest. I said considering he had theatened to not give me another dime in child support, I thought it was in the kids best interest to circumvent any financials problems that would cause and get a job to keep a roof over their head.

Stankcy was running her mouth in the background about his driving here and back with the kids, and how gas is $3.50 per a gallon. And finally, I just told him to tell her to shut-up. He said he didn’t appreciate that. I told him I didn’t care what he appreciated and she needed to shut up and mind her own business, she has her own ex husband to worry about. So of course, he makes a point to tell her, she says something about how mature I am, which is rich considering who she’s relaying it through. Laughable really. He says something about me being a hillbilly, something else about gas prices and then he hung up on me, but I’m immature. What did I do? Let it go. He had the kids for visitation for God’s sake. Spemd your time with your babies, dude. Isn’t this why we got divorced? He can just be with them and not me?

The kicker?

When the kids get home from visitation…the first thing Pickle says when he walks in the door is …. “I can’t take it anymore, all he talks about is you and money! He says you take all of his money, not half of it.” SO, not only do I have to hear it from him, I’m hearing it from my kid all over again??

I just told him, “Babe, the court decides about the money, not me, not your him… they say what they think he should pay to take care of you guys based on laws. That’s how it works. He shouldn’t be talking to you about that. Just don’t worry about it.”

I tried to change the subject and asked about snack, I asked if they had one already and Pickle says, “No and I’ll give you one guess why? Money” Then in a mocking tone, imitating his Dad he said, “I don’t have money for snack, Mommy has it all. I have to buy gas, blah blah blah” He threw his hands in the air and said “It’s baloney

It was almost comical if it wasn’t so damn sad that he was having these conversations about grown up problems with little kids. I told him if I ever said anything like that he could tell me to stop. This is the part where he told me it embarassed him when he talked about me and the money stuff like that. He said he thinks all El Chupa cares about is being mad and having money. He said he doesn’t want to go over there anymore, because he doesn’t want to listen to him. I almost cried. It hurt me so bad to hear him say that. I had never thought of that before… I mean, I knew it was stuff he shouldn’t be talking to him about, but it never even occured to me how embarassing it must be to have his Dad make such a big deal out the money he provides to take care of him or what he says about ME in front of other people.

I don’t know how I survived 6 years of marriage to that incompetent, selfish bastard.
I can’t do anything right no matter what I do. If I stay home, I’m a lazy ass, if I go to work, I’m inconvenienceing him.