Trust they say,
Is giving someone the ability to hurt you while not worrying they’ll play,
With the vulnerability,
Leaving yourself open that way.
I’d like to say I have this mastered,
But sometimes I get it ass backwards.
I wait for you to earn it,
Making sure I am not led astray.
It is Valentine’s Day and Jer and I will be attending a marriage seminar at a local church all day. I don’t know what it will have to offer us that we don’t already know or want but Im going in with an open mind and heart, hoping to come away with some tools for a tune up.
People often say marriage is hard but they seldom tell you why. Its hard because in order for a marriage to really stand a chance you have to constantly consider your partners needs which goes against all our basic instincts for survival. What makes it harder is being able to trust your partner to do the same. It may sound as simple as “you scratch my back and Ill scratch yours”, but its not. Its about selflessness, vulnerability and trust. Im pretty certain that everyone reading this struggles with at least one, if not all, of those attributes alone, much less in practice with another human.
I have the hardest time wrapping my brain around those concepts to the point that I doubt the possibility of it really existing, until I think of my children. When I think of them I know beyond a shadow of doubt that you can act selflessly. I recognize the vulnerability every day when they leave my shelter. It’s like letting your heart or piece of your soul walk around outside your body. You trust that it will return. It has to.
When it comes to my husband, who is capable of scratching back though, the doubt creeps in. The trust frays. I struggle to let my guard down. Id rather scratch my own back sometimes.
And so we’ll shuffle our sinner shoes and come to Jesus on Saint Valentine’s Day and try looking through different perspectacles, lens that may help us see this all through a different perspective, sans the rose color. If that doesn’t help gain stronger footing, we’ll dig into the very foundation we stand upon to see what could be the underlying cause for the wobble and sway.
Send your thoughts, love and prayers our way. We need them.
Often when I share things with people about things that have happened to me or are currently happening to me and follow them with a smile or a laugh, they are perplexed. It happened again today.
I found and applied for a job recently that I was rather interested in. I have been layed off for over a month now so when I got a call for an interview and the interview went well I got excited. When one of my references relayed to me some of the information that had been relayed to her, I got hopeful. When I called in for a second interview this week and was told I was one of three people left in the running for the position with the law firm out of sixty people who had initially interviewed and that there was something to be said for that, that I should give myself a pat on that back, I did. When I got the call this morning that the position had been offered to one of the other candidates, I listened as they told me that I had no short-comings and that every one really liked me but a decision had to be made and they were going to keep my resume on file because they did intend to hire in the future and would hope I might still be interested. I let my reference know that I had been passed over and I think she took it worse than I did.
“WHY?!?” she demanded, and she wasn’t satisfied with the above answer. So I told her everything happens for a reason. Life is hard, but God is good. This much I am certain. Everytime I’ve questioned something that has happened, the answer has eventually come – I’ve just remained faithful and so I would this time as well. I explained that we were ok financially with one salary. My Mom is having heart surgery at the end of the month and to be honest, I would be grateful to have the time to be with her at the hospital that day and the for her recovery. There was a long pause.
“Well, that’s a good attitude?” Yes, it was presented as a question and I laughed, again told her we would talk soon and told her to have a good day and to call me so we could get together for lunch soon since my schedule is rather flexible and all.
If you’re wondering, no, I haven’t always been this way. When I was younger I tried to control every little thing that happened. I thought that being in control equalled power and power equalled respect. It took me awhile to figure out that controlling everything didn’t leave any room for error or much time for to enjoy the little things or to change your mind and try new or different things. It’s ok. It will be ok. I had to let go and let things happen on their own. It was liberating and I enjoy life a lot more. I notice things I never noticed before and things happen that might not have if I was trying to contain the situation. Now, I just trust that things will happen as they should and it might not all be good, but it will work out. I have faith, even in the thick of it that I’ll come out the other side.
“And even though my heart is torn…I will praise you in this storm”