AHA! moment

image

I had this AHA! moment today that was life-changing. All the hairs on my body stood on end as if I had had an electric current flow through me. Maybe it was more like a fork in the electric socket moment. Whatever. It definitely woke me up. I came to the realization that a large part of the reason my husband and I have been at odds has been because everything is fine. That probably sounds really dumb, but hear me out.

When my husband and I met, I was only recently separated from my EX. I wasn’t looking for love. It started online. We didn’t know each other. We just knew people who knew each other and so it was recommended that we should be friends. At first, I was nothing more than super physically attracted to him. He had that edgy thing going for him. My friend told me that he was nice, funny, but just not for her. So it began. At first we just scoped out each others pages and talked about common interests. After messaging for a couple weeks though he wanted to meet me.

It so happened that this was the point in time when the greatest tragedy I had known would unfold. I picked up the phone one morning to hear my best friend on the other end, but there was no life on the line. Her son had been shot and killed. The world came to a screeching halt. I spent days on end walking with her through the greatest hell a mother can ever know. Sleeping on the floor next to her, sleeping on the couch just to be there when she would wake up crying, realizing that it hadn’t been just a bad dream. I became distant and vague with the new guy, not wanting to share a story that wasn’t mine to share. Until one night on the porch with my friend when she asked me to do her a favor. She asked me to meet him for dinner. She told me life was too short and I had waited to long to be happy. I mustered all the courage I could and obliged.

The favor my friend asked of me was vulnerability. She asked me to put aside EVERYTHING I had just been through in an abusive marriage and take a chance for her that she knew I wouldn’t take on my own. He ended up being the love of my life, but I never would have known that if it had not been for vulnerability and vulnerability, it turns out, is the key to life’s greatest joys and pleasure beyond our comprehension.

I’m of the opinion that because we live in a world where tragedies unfold everyday, we’ve all become desensitized to tragedy without realizing that we are also allowing ourselves to be desensitized to joy. We put up walls, impenetrable perimeters to guard ourselves. We write our safety laws, rules and regulations upon them. DO NOT ENTER. Proceed with caution. Beware of the raving bitch. Do not look at the man behind the curtain.

Back to my husband and I…and the AHA! moment.

Since the dawn of our time together, there have been circumstances and people to deal with. It really is remarkable how many times your heart can be broken without you actually dying. There was so much that made us bleed. We found our way through, however, we had become conditioned to always be prepared for the next obstacle. We knew to turn to each other when it happened, but when nothing happened, we waited for something to happen. In the meantime, we’ve been missing the joy of this beautiful, so precious, life we had made together. Right here, right now.

So I’ve decided I’m submitting myself, to him, to us. Screw hell and high water, come unspeakable joy and overwhelming sunny days, I want it all. I won’t wait for the other shoe to drop. I’m going to throw caution to the wind, be completely vulnerable, make a total ass of myself and I’m going to love every second of it.

As my friend asked of me, I ask of you. Be vulnerable. Be aware of it, respect it, but instead of letting all the “could”s and “should”s stop you, recognize the chance that vulnerability gives you to fully experience life. You cannot know what happiness awaits you until you take the chance, whole heartedly. You’ve waited long enough. It’s never too soon to be happy, my friend.

vulnerability(1)

Antifreeze

I’ll never understand why he did it.

I’ll never understand how he went out and bought an anniversary card for his wife. Went home and underlined all the sentimental parts that spoke to his heart most – especially the ones about spending the rest of their lives together. Planning an anniversary dinner that would never come.

I’ll never understand what on Earth could possess him to pour himself a cup of antifreeze the following day and write that note. I don’t know how he ever reasoned in his mind that the best gift he could give his wife, after 28 years of marriage, was to take his own life.

I’ll never know how she felt when she awoke in the middle of the night to that thud on the floor and to find him frothing at the mouth in a full seizure, but I can imagine that ambulance ride seemed to take hours. Those 12 hours of not knowing what was happening, almost losing him, watching the doctors revive him…only to be told that he had meant for this to happen…that there was antifreeze in his system and that it wasn’t accidental.

I’ll never forget walking into the waiting room and the way she looked the first time I saw her or walking down the corridor to ICU and seeing him for the first time. His body was completely swollen. He looked like he had been in boxing match. His body was being ravaged. The dialysis machine was exceptionally quiet for the task it was attempting to perform – ridding his body of a poison that would constantly crystalize and expand in his system. His kidneys were failing. He was in a coma. When I heard them say what  he was going  through and what we would experience as his family watching him over the next few days would be horrible… I understood the words, but horrible soon became an understatement. We all took turns sitting with her, sleeping in the waiting room, walking down to the room, holding his hand, talking to him, begging him to fight, trying to stir him to wake up. Eventually, his eyes would open but there was nothing behind the eyes. Then he started to move his entire body with his eyes open, but nobody was home. It was literally like watching the living dead.

I have never felt so many emotions at once in my entire life. Sorrow, hope, anger, confusion, love. I know she felt that way too. I’ll never forget her telling me that she didn’t know how to handle the outcomes. She didn’t know how to handle if he died and she didn’t know how to handle if he lived – because he didn’t want to. He had promised her he wouldn’t ever do this to her after her sister-in-law committed suicide six months ago. He would never put her thorough this pain, but now he had.

We all just couldn’t comprehend it. There just had to be another explanation. It just didn’t make any sense. But all that denial would wash away when she found the note – the explaination that would answer none of the questions we will all have for the rest of our lives. Like how can a man whose whole life was about family and love possibly end with such a contradiction of selfishness and pain? How could he do this to her? Theirs was a love story for the ages – and this – this was the ending? It’s beyond cruel. I know it happened but I still can’t fathom it all – for her.

The doctors explained about as gracefully as one can that the antifreeze has damaged his brain and would continue to damage his brain. The front part of your brain controls your motor functions so that was why he was still moving around and his eyes were open, but his CT scan should considerable dark mass and fluid on the brain. He most likely was blind. He would only further decline. If he did survive he would likely be in a nursing home for the rest of his life. And so it came to this cruel moment…after all of this, she ultimately had to decide whether to discontinue his medical treatment. When dialysis stopped…the antifreeze would further crystalize and his organs would begin to fail. She said she couldn’t hold on to him just to be able to kiss him on the cheek and so…it was time to learn to let go.

He was discharged from the hospital 11 days later to hospice. On his last day, his only granddaughter came to see him and told him that he could let go. His wife crawled into his hospital bed with him and fell asleep with her husband one last time. She woke up in the early morning hours and the nurses told her that he had passed away. This was the most peace she had experienced since this unbelievable nightmare began 17 days ago…the day before their 28th wedding anniversary. It wouldn’t last long.

The coroner arrived and went into investigation mode. This is what happens with a crime and suicide is a crime. Now, this newly widowed woman is being told that her deceased husband’s body is evidence and will be autopsied. She doesn’t have a choice. They need the original suicide note – his last words to her are now evidence. The police show up, there is questioning, she’s exhausted…mentally, physically…emotionally, this is all too much. And then the coroner tells her that the “official toxicology report” will not be complete for six weeks and so the county will not issue a death certificate until that time. This means that any funds she may have been entitled to, after being disqualified for much because of the suicide, as a widow are now in limbo and she has no idea how to pay for the funeral, how she is going to pay her mortgage or other bills. After all – she has been by his side for over two weeks, without pay. And it goes on….

Preparing for the funeral, going through pictures of my Uncle as a little boy with my grandmother, sister and aunt, just broke my heart. As a mother, I could only imagine the pain of losing a child. The thought that I could someday be pouring over pictures for one of my son’s funeral was too much for me to bear. I had to retire for the night. I cried myself to sleep thinking of my grandmother’s loss as a mother and for my Aunt, because as a wife of only 2 years of marriage to my husband – I could not imagine her pain.

The funeral home was filled. Again, the questions…how could a man so beloved arrive at this? Why didn’t he call any one of these people? What was he thinking? When they asked people to stand up and speak you almost wanted to stand up and scream: “THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!”

I’ll never understand. It’s been a month since his funeral and I still think about it everyday. I can’t stop wondering…what if he had gone one more day?

My Uncle had had some medical problems and thus, difficulty working and financial implications. His boss was not an understanding fellow. He had made things increasingly difficult for my Uncle. The day that  my Uncle committed suicide, he was to attend a manager’s meeting with this boss but he couldn’t bear to go. His boss was fired at that meeting, which literally changed A LOT. So, if he had held on one more day …

The only thing I have taken away from this is that you never know what tomorrow will bring. You’re going to have peaks and see valleys in life, but the thing that could change everything could literally be a day away. You have to hold on for one more day – everyday. Keep the faith.

However my Uncle had worked this out in his head – I assure you he would not have wanted it to turn out like this. But that’s how darkness works. It lies and depression is darkness’ greatest tool and when you’re at your darkest place it dangles what seems like the solution in front of you and it turns out to be the biggest departure from who you are and what you wanted to be to your family. My Uncle was a proud man and there was no way he wanted to be in the condition he was in and for my Aunt to suffer the way she is now. He couldn’t know that she would blame herself and wonder if she had done this or if she had done that would there have been a different outcome. Absolutely, never would my Uncle want that. If his note was any indication, he did this to spare her any more hardship – and it had the exact opposite effect.

Somewhere in the midst of all this I realized that this means that I have now seen every possible way to commit suicide attempted and gone completely awry.

It is not the answer. It is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem which just means – don’t do it.

The last time I saw my Uncle he hugged me hello and when I went to pull away to quickly … he pulled me back and he said,

“No, stay here, just let me love you.”

I assure you that whoever you are and wherever you’re at in life – someone loves you enough to meet you there and help you live.

You just have to stay here and let people love you.

Ravennan shot in Windham Allegedly shot in head with rifle

Marci Piltz
22 hours ago
Record-Courier staff writer

A Ravenna man was shot and killed Monday at an apartment in Windham, and another Ravenna man is in custody, charged with the shooting.
Jesse Frazier, 18, of 470 S. Prospect St., was pronounced dead Monday night at Robinson Memorial Hospital in Ravenna following the shooting.
Brandon Fisher, 20, of 531 Coolman Ave., was arrested and charged with reckless homicide, a third-degree felony, in connection with the shooting.
Fisher was arraigned Tuesday in Portage County Municipal Court in Ravenna, where Judge Barbara Oswick set bond at $500,000 cash. A preliminary hearing has been set for Friday in the same courtroom.
According to Portage County Sheriff Duane Kaley, a 911 call was received around 5:30 p.m. regarding a shooting at 9145 Maple Grove Road, Apt. C. The call was transferred to Windham police, who requested assistance from the Portage County Sheriff’s Office, Kaley said.
Kaley said officers found Frazier had been shot in the head, and he was transported by the Windham Fire Department to Robinson Memorial. He was pronounced dead at the hospital, Kaley said.
In addition to the charge of reckless homicide, Kaley said Fisher also could be facing additional charges of tampering with evidence for allegedly attempting to hide the gun, a .22 caliber semiautomatic rifle, used in the shooting.
Both Kaley and Portage County Prosecutor Victor Vigluicci declined to elaborate on the circumstances of the shooting.
“All I can say right now is that this individual apparently pointed the firearm at two other individuals, then pointed it at the victim, at which time the weapon discharged,” Kaley said.
Kaley would not comment on whether the shooting was accidental.
The rifle was taken from the scene, along with other items Kaley said were being considered as evidence.
Kaley said the sheriff’s office is working with the Windham Police Department and its acting chief, Dale Korman, during the investigation.

Jesse

everything seems surreal right now.
i wish this were all a bad dream that i could wake up from. but it’s real. painfully so.
my best friend’s son was shot and killed last night. he was hanging out with “friends”. they were drinking. what we’ve heard through the grapevine is that a guy put a gun in another’s guys face and said bam- you’re dead. he put it to yet another’s face and did the same…but when he pointed it at jesse … he shot him.

and he’s gone. just like that. 18 years old.
i can’t find any words. i don’t know what to say. i just hold her while she cries. i cry with her. i hold her hand. make phones calls and clean her house. i lay on the floor at her feet when she doses off for a few minutes, so that when she wakes up crying, i’m there to hold her. and that’s all i have. i feel helpless. i just want to make this all go away.
i came home for a couple hours to get my stuff together as i will be staying with her for at least tonight. i don’t want her to be alone.
tomorrow i will go with her to the funeral home to see the body and make arrangements.
please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. she needs them desperately.

dark place

it seems pretty fitting that today is halloween, because my life feels like a nightmare.

im in the deepest, darkest depression i have ever felt. it hurts physically.

everything is just confusing as all hell. i still care about him although i want to hate him. as much as i hate him though, i love my kids more. i mean i’ve been with him 8 YEARS! since i was 19. it’s hard. it’s hard to face that it’s over. there is so much there. so many memories, so many little things between us that i can’t share with anybody else because it’s ours. but…it’s over. it’s been over for a long time.

parts of me are still longing for him to ride in on a white horse and save me, to save himself, to save our children, be the man i always hoped he was in his heart and that we’ll live happily ever after, but i guess that is what it is…a fairy tale. it’s just never gonna happen. its time to let go.

i asked him the other day if it was over. he told me that he thought it was. he told me he thought that even though we wanted similar things that we were too different and that i couldn’t give him what he wanted and he couldn’t give me what i wanted. a part of me agrees and another part of me thinks it’s horse shit. we do want similar things, but what makes us different is our idea of how to achieve those things. our priorities are WAY different. he cares too much about what everyone else outside of our home thinks and impressing them and being “the man” in their eyes, more than being “a man” in his wife and children’s eyes. i think you inspire things, he thinks you demand them. he said maybe if i gave him some time. but i think there’s been plenty of that and plenty of chances and i always come up empty handed or with the rug being swept out from under me. i’m done with time and space.

then he said well you know what they say…if you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you it’s meant to be. is he serious? does he really think that’s what i’m hoping for. that i am gonna wait…for HIM? that this divorce and him physically attacking me is just some poetic tragedy? i’m not even going to touch that cause you know, i’m just down right disgusted that he would even risk losing me. it’s like he doesn’t even stop to think that maybe there is some guy out there, some guy that is everything i want and need that will see me as everything he wants and needs and that maybe, just maybe, i’ll move on and be happier than ever and never look back. i guess i should take more notice of that. if he had ever really loved me, or treated me the way i deserved, or been genuinely concerned about losing me, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

i cant even talk about the kids part in this right now.

i know no matter what happens, i’m going to be ok. i just have to keep reminding myself and praying for god’s will in this situation. i could use some clarity.
it hurts really fuckin bad.

Sexual offenders

If you go to the website I’ve listed below and enter in an address, it will show you a map of sexually based offenders home/work locations in your area, right down to the street address and if you click on the blocks where those offenders are marked on the map, they will show what they were charged with and a picture of the offender.

I am a firm believer that sexual abuse and incest is a silent epidemic in our country. The only way to stop the cycle is to open up dialogue about it and educate ourselves. Even if you don’t have children, I am willing to bet someone in your neighborhood/apartment building does.

Most children who are kidnapped by sexual offenders, had parents and neighbors who never knew the offender was on their street or block.

It is best to be informed.

Take a minute and visit the site.

 

http://www.familywatchdog.us/