If you sit in traffic and dream of sitting in traffic with a better car, thinking that will somehow relieve your aching head, let me suggest that you find a different route.
She asked me when the wheels came off and I couldn’t pinpoint it. In summary, months was the answer to the timetable. Something had happened, but what? We started retracing my steps. Tears welled up in my eyes when I talked about losing both my dogs within the same calendar year, but I broke down, shaking….sobbing, when I recounted the month of October and that was when she stopped and set the paper and pen down.
“Stephanie, trauma is not linear. It never goes away. Some days you’re in acceptance, others you’re going to find yourself right back in the grief. You were exposed to your trauma. You faced your abuser down in Court and then you isolated yourself away where it was safe.”
I told her what I thought I did wrong or should have done better, or at least different. I talked about all the digestive issues, my hair falling out, the fatigue —oh my god THE FATIGUE, the brain fog… the break up.
“Be gentle with yourself.”, she says.
I thought it was a prudent reminder that I could work into my DBT/CBT skills. I must confess that since putting this into practice, I have lost count of how many times I’ve had to use it and it hasn’t even been 12 hours.
I also kept my promise to journal.
Be thankful for rain, it washes away the debris that isn’t meant to stick.
I have grown a real disgust for Mothers Day.
I cant even explain why.
Maybe it feels too forced or fake like Valentines Day?
Maybe I resent being type-cast?
Maybe I don’t want to recognize people who dont recognize me?
Maybe I just know too much?
I know all too well what goes on behind closed doors and that some Moms wont get what they deserve and others wont deserve what they get.
Sometimes I really wish I could indulge in a blissful eternity of ignorance.
It’s all the things in all the lyrics in all the songs.
Damn. That’s scary, but what if Im brave? What might I find. What ifs … I don’t know.
What I DO know is that when you find someone to be irreplaceable the only thing you can do is hang on for as long as you can.
Nothing else is more appropriate for this autobiography.