She asked me when the wheels came off and I couldn’t pinpoint it. In summary, months was the answer to the timetable. Something had happened, but what? We started retracing my steps. I broke down when I recounted the month of October and that was when she stopped and set the paper and pen down.
“Stephanie, trauma is not linear. It never goes away. Some days you’re in acceptance, others you’re going to find yourself right back in the grief. You were exposed to your trauma. You faced your abuser down in Court and then you isolated yourself away where it was safe.”
I told her what I thought I did wrong or should have done better, or at least different. I talked about all the digestive issues, my hair falling out, the fatigue —oh my god THE FATIGUE, the brain fog… the break up.
“Be gentle with yourself.”, she says.
I thought it was a prudent reminder that I could work into my DBT/CBT skills. I must confess that since putting this into practice, I have lost count of how many times I’ve had to use it and it hasn’t even been 12 hours.
I also kept my promise to journal.
I have grown a real disgust for Mothers Day.
I cant even explain why.
Maybe it feels too forced or fake like Valentines Day?
Maybe I resent being type-cast?
Maybe I don’t want to recognize people who dont recognize me?
Maybe I just know too much?
I know all too well what goes on behind closed doors and that some Moms wont get what they deserve and others wont deserve what they get.
Sometimes I really wish I could indulge in a blissful eternity of ignorance.
Im convinced that a singing child is a confident child.
There is nothing quite like falling asleep to your child singing in the next room.
If someone leaves you hanging onto rope 10 feet off the ground… you just need to hang out until a 6’8″ LL Bean model promises to catch you.
My whole life I’ve been waiting for a soft place to fall.
*cue trust fall in 3…2..1*
I cant even understand what is happening right now.
It’s all the things in all the lyrics in all the songs.
Damn. That’s scary, but what if Im brave? What might I find. What ifs … I don’t know.
What I DO know is that when you find someone to be irreplaceable the only thing you can do is hang on for as long as you can.
Nothing else is more appropriate for this autobiography.
You can’t hold on to what you ain’t got.
I honestly don’t know how Im still breathing.
Ive said this before, but it bears repeating; It’s quite amazing how many times you’re heart can be broken …
…yet, still … we survive.
It’s a miracle.
And millions of us do it everyday.
It’s brave. It’s beautiful.
This weekends polisci talk shows we’re absolutely disheartening..no, terrifying.
I don’t know what could possibly be next. The only advice I have is: Be certain to sow seeds of love everywhere you possibly can. We will reap it, maybe not now, but for our children sakes, we must keep going.
At this point in my life Ive just come to the realization that my life doesnt have to make sense to anyone else.
If you lose someone by being yourself, you won.
We’re all looking for happiness as if it is something always distant. As it turns out, happiness surrounds us everyday. We just need to change our perspectacles.