The Work

Im currently reading ‘How To Be Sick:A Buddhist-Inspired Guide For the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers“. It teaches various Buddhist practices in application to the trials faced by those, like myself, who are chronically ill. As you might expect, there are many other practical everyday life applications that could be used by anyone. 

I just finished reading a chapter about Byron Katie and her work in encouraging us to question the validity of our thoughts and ending any suffering that may accompany them, using what she calls “The Work” or inquiry. This inquiry practice begins with us asking whether the thought is true. Then, asking whether we know absolutely that is true. Third, is to note our reaction when we believe the thought is true. Fourth, reflecting on who we’d be without the thought and finally to come up with a “turnaround”, a statement in the opposite form of the original thought. 

It struck me in reading this that there are many thoughts, illness related and otherwise, where this work would do me some good. So without further ado, I will tackle the thought that has been plaguing my heart for a good bit of time in what will likely be the start of a new blog feature called, what else?, The Work:

Thought: Im tired of being misunderstood by people who offer no benefit of the doubt or resolution especially in constrast to my continued grace and forgiveness with the same people. 

Is it true? Yes, I absolutely hate not being given the benefit of the doubt, having the good brushed under the rug and a perceived flaw focused upon without being given the chance to explain or remedy the situation. 

Is it absolutely true? YES! 

My reaction: I feel wounded, hurt, maybe even betrayed. Unimportant. 

Without the thought I guess I’d just be a person who continues to extend grace and forgiveness. 

The turnaround: I love not being given the benefit of the doubt! Now I dont need to offer an explanation. Those who really know me, dont need one and those who don’t would probably not believe me anyways. This has to do with their thoughts. I cannot control someone’s elses thoughts anymore than I can control my own. I dont have to tiptoe around on glass trying not to re-offend. I conserving time and energy. I can be myself. 

And there you have it, folks. 

All better. 

Accident

Jedi was in a car accident this morning.

He was on the mini-bus from daycare to school, when a truck swerved over into the lane and hit the bus, shattering the driver’s window and jolting the kids around. Thankfully, the kids were all ok. Just really shook up and some bumps and bruises. Thankfully, it happened right in front of the Fire Dept so, police, ambulance, fire trucks were on the scene ASAP and right around the corner from my work.

They released him to me at the scene and I took him to the ER to be checked out because he was complaining about his neck and back hurting and he has a bump and bruise on his left cheek where his face hit the window or wall of the bus.

Getting that phone call was the worst. My heart just sank into my stomach. I think what made it worse was that I had some kind of a premonition about this happening last week. Almost eveyday last week, I kept thinking about it and I’d tell myself I was being paranoid, he was safe, etc, etc… and then it happened.

Seeing his little tear soaked face step off the bus and being able to wrap my arms around his little body again, was the best feeling in the whole world. It was hard not to cry. I was just so thankful he was ok.

When I got him to my car, I just held his little face in my hands and kissed him all over, telling him that he was ok. And the amazing thing, was the peace my own child gave me in the moment. The first few things he said to me were… that he was scared and thought he was going to die, but that all he could think about was how happy he was yesterday with his family, and how Jesus would keep him safe. He said right after it happened he thanked Jesus for keeping him safe and that he knew his angel was with him.

As terrible of a thought it is to think that your child could be gone in a second, how comforting to know that’s what he thought about.

I feel so bad for him. It just seems like every safe thing he has known or loved in his life has been stripped away from him this past year. I know that might sound silly, but I just feel like nothing is safe anymore and it just hurts worse to hear my son vocalize things like that. And the worst part is, as a parent, is feeling there was nothing I could do to stop any of it. I can’t even describe what that feels like.

Misery Loves Company

Is it just me or is everybody becoming miserable? Or is it just that I notice it more, because I’m not? Don’t get me wrong, I get down. You can watch the news and get down but what I mean….I have stress, problems, issues…whatever you want to call them.

The difference?

Miserable people thoughtlessly take their individual misery and shove it on to the next person. Even those who might already be dealing with their own shit.

Has anybody else noticed that the more miserable people become, the more they start to focus on other people? That they will point the finger at anyone and blame them for something they would never do, but that miserable person is doing all the time, because well, they’re miserable?

It’s like they know they have some karamiac shit storm on the horizon for all the b.s. they toss around at everyone else so… the solution? Fend it off, by blaming anyone, hell maybe even everyone else, of the same astrousities to avoid the responsibility, or worse, taking the time to evaluate THEMSELVES!

Hey, here’s a novel idea for everyone … instead of worrying about what everyone else is doing, take the time to look at yourself and worry about that.

I used to feel sorry for miserable people. Try to help them, save them. I used to make excuses for them. But not anymore. They have the ability to be just as responsible and accoutnable for themselves and their actions and words as they try to make everyone else.

I’m so sick of this shit. I’m sick of it all. I’m done taking it off people.

That is all.