There really are no words for when your “baby daddy” ignores every grace extended and throws your baby girl under the bus for an addiction…
This will be my last post for awhile. I need a sabbatical.
There used to be a time when I needed this space for validation. I could use this space as a place to put things that I needed to get out of my head and heart and have my friends and family be supportive without me having to live it over and over again. It gave me the ability to put bad days behind me and focus more on the good days. But I can’t anymore.
I’ve been persecuted for my words and mocked for my thoughts and feelings. I’ve been called a liar and then in the same breath Ive actually been told that my words have the power over someone else’s relationship. Yeh, it’s all me. I’m just that good.
As with most everything else in my life, this space has now been tainted by someone’s desperation to control me and shut me up so that they may continue to live a lie.
Because I no longer care what people think, because I don’t feel the need to explain myself, because I don’t feel the need to make anybody understand, because I don’t feel as if I need to be validated anymore, because I know the truth and that’s all that matters to me, because I’m ready to leave this all behind me, because I love to prove a point … this site will remain.
For everyone here that has seen me through so much over the last two years, to my family and friends – thank-you, sincerely.
Seems every year I sit down to write my end of year blog, thinking that I will be glad to be rid of this year, that next year will be better, and somehow it always seems worse. This year has truly taken the cake. I can barely see the keyboard as type through tears remembering it all. But I think in order to really move on and leave things behind and appreciate our life as it is now, we must really look at where we’ve been….without further ado…. here is my 2006 in review
January 06′ – Miss Crazie’s Dad had a heart attack and she came home for a visit. A visit that seemed to change everything for her and she made the decision to move back home to Ohio and boy was I glad to have her back. Little did I know how much I would need her and all my friends this year. Pickle was admitted to the hospital for nearly a week because of his seizures. After months of trying and starting to worry, Ni found out she was pregnant.
Feburary- Jedi turned 5, Steelers won Super Bowl XL, Had my eyebrow pierced, Eva’s baby shower, Mack passed away.
March – Jedi diagnosed with asthma, Got Pickle’s new birth certificate after adoption, The BOYZ GONE WILD incident, realization of state of marriage, tried romantic night away thing to compensate, Beavis’ granddaughter is born, lump in my breast and cysts reappear in ovaries, Pickle’s 10th birthday party , the end of Matilda and I’s decade long “friendship”, Diva’s ear tube surgery.
April – Got to go to a Cav’s game, Ni & her daughter visit for Diva’s 3rd birthday, we almost lose my mother from A-Fib, two incidents that led me to realize how cold my
husband really was (looking back, I think this was what sealed my marriage’s fate), bad insomnia sets in, decide to make some changes, enrolled back in college, leveled the yard, put in patio, popped rib out in process, Ni finds out she’s having a boy!
May – Begin college classes, Cinco de Mayo celebration on new patio, got Diva potty trained, was put on meds, the first talk of separation, Diva’s first movie – Over the Hedge, Day out w/ Thomas, Aero’s game, druken phone calls by
husband to my friends and sister, Memorial Day cook-out debacle.
Husband tries to sabotage my mid-terms, cysts get worse, put on hormones for 3 months, My best friend moves into her own place, my sister calling from jail, first discussion of separation with Husband ,Pickle diagnosed as cognitively disabled, Took kids to Zoo, Husband‘s drinking gets worse, Husband starts coming home later and later, Fight with Crazie, Lots of swimming with Beavis at her new place with the kids at the pool, Jedi graduates from Safety Town.
July – Family bike ride from hell, start marriage counseling, 4th of July from hell, Pickle diagnosed with urinary reflux, I tell Mom-in-law that I think it’s over, My Dad’s birthday from hell, Me running away to Beavis’, Jedi breaks his arm, Trip to Kentucky w/ kids,
Husband‘s spectacular (heavy sarcasm) celebration of my birthday, the long drive to Virginia for Ni’s baby shower and the decisions I made during that time on my drive, surprise cake on my birthday when I arrive in VA and my 21st birthday lunch with Tessa and MACkenzie (wink), first time I’ve genuinely smiled in months.
August- Mammogram for lump in breast, Cpl. Joe Tomci’s funeral, 1st time
Husband doesn’t come home at night, Biscuit visits – its sad when someone in your husband‘s family tells you to run, the lies start to pile up, get night job just to have some space only to have to quit because I can’t rely on husband to be home at night, Jedi gets stitches in his lip, the “BJ” incident, husband leaves, husband comes back to “work things out” only to continue to go out all the time, severe migraines set in, Husband tells me he’s seen a lawyer.
September- Jedi’s stitches in head after Diva hits him with hammer to kill a spider (it’s funny now),
Husband put on 30 day probationary period, Mega-depression sets in, Ni brings her baby boy into the world, Darryl deployed… again, Pass out from migraine/exhaustion/dehydration, Got my first job as a legal assistant, Chuck commits suicide, the weird infection, I see a divorce attorney.
October – I file for divorce, the “choke hold” incident, husband arrested, restraining order, husband moves out, My 6th Anniversary visit to Kentucky, EX has a date with someone I suspect he cheated on me with, accepting it’s over, I start being myself again, I find my smile again, stop taking anti-depressent, dating again? – scary!, not ready.
November – Best Friend, Beavis’ son killed … funeral, burial, talking all night on the phone with Trouble, Beavis says “Life’s too short…I’ve waited too long to be happy“. I set the first date-DATE with TROUBLE (Jer), the first court date for the boy who shot my Beavis’ son, a peaceful Thanksgiving.
December – Meet EX’s girlfriend, Met Jer’s Mom, Jer and I celebrate our one month “anniversary” by ending the wait(snicker), Quit smoking, Li’s accident, Jer gets a new job to be closer to me, EX loses his job, I completed 90 day probationary period with my job and get a raise, Had a very bittersweet Christmas, and now……I’m ready for New Years.
This year has been a rough one…
2007 – I’m waiting for ya, hoping you will be my power year…..bring it on!!!
(To all my friends and family…. particularly….my Beavis, Crazie, my sister, my cousins…Li, Ni and Biscuit, my dear friend, Kelli Jo…thank-you for seeing me through all of this. I don’t know where I would be without your love and support. I won’t forget. I love you guys! And to Jer, I don’t know where it goes from here, maybe I’m not ready to know yet, but….I can’t even type this without tears of happiness and gratitude filling my eyes….I will always be grateful to you. Thank-you for just being you, for just loving me for me, for restoring my faith and hope in love, thank-you for everything and for things you’ll never even know cause I could never find the words….I love you.