It started with what I thought was pink eye.
Then, it was a stomach virus.
What it ended up being was the thing that would take my job: vision loss … again.
So, I’ve been put back on all the medicines that I had weaned down because of the side effects, thus increasing my fatigue/nausea but also my chances at saving my sight.
The law firm I worked for couldn’t wait around indefinitely and now, here we are. Up at 3:30am turning over all the things that is my life again. I know I’ve survived worse and surviving is what I do, but I’m tired…in my soul.
Reflect without judging yourself
I spent last week inpatient. After changes to medications and a respite of sorts, I came home Monday. Around 5pm, my neurologist sent me a message via their medical messaging system to tell me that we were out of options and would need to seek outside opinions from Case Western University Hospital and Cleveland Clinic; and also, we’ve already done this. This means we have finally arrived at immunosuppressive therapy to turn off my immune system and turn it back on; you know, like a computer. I start with steroids today and will start chemotherapy in the coming weeks which will last 4-6 weeks and then again at 6 months. (AND possibly also brain surgery to place a shunt.) Finally, I resigned from work on Friday.
I have so many things running through my mind. They’re screaming as they lap one another. On the surface, I feel … peace? (I think that’s what they call it. *shrugs*)
The rest of it is really hard work, mindfulness, that only I can, have and will improve upon doing for myself.
Also, I have never felt better mentally and/or more sure of myself. I don’t know what’s going on now, or what will happen in the future, but there’s something delicious about ambiguity and I know whatever it is I can handle it. I’ve got nearly 20 years worth of blogging here to prove it, no matter what the ‘shitty-committee‘ that meets in my head likes to say. There is batshit crazy POWER in being fearless. This is next level. The proof is in the pudding, folks. I have a 100% survival rate this far after all. *smiling broadly*
HOW ITS GONNA BE:
Diva, while you may one day fear becoming just like your mother, just remember this, Im a strong, mutha, baby girl.
Just hold on. We’ll see you tomorrow.
Mental Illness, Escapism, and Addiction
There is no fight left in her. And that’s the best thing that ever happened for her.
For far too long the futile battle of light & dark has left her exhausted. She’s accepting both light & dark as the inherent gifts of the universe. She’s not in a duelling match with them. The light no longer wishes to ‘reform’ her dark, and her dark no longer wants to ‘control’ the light. Suddenly, she’s not playing the polarity game.
She’s not fooled into buying the teaching that there’s something wrong with her that needs fixing, and she’s got work to do before she’s finally ‘good’. Her divinity is in fully embracing her humanity. All of it. So where’s the imperfection?
The myth that one day light will vanquish the dark and there will be peace would have kept her exhausted & imprisoned. She’s already at peace right now! Even the light and dark within her are sitting at peace with each other. Game over.
What she’s experiencing in the ceasing of war is an unbelievable tranquillity & peace. Thank goddess she believed in her own wisdom.
Author: Joyous Woman With Sukhvinder Sircar