Truth is, I fuck with myself more than anybody else.
My two teenagers have taken to singing “I’ll Be There For You” by The Rembrandts (or the Friends theme song) everytime something goes wrong and Im at wit’s end.
Grocery bag splits open, spilling groceries across just cleaned floor:
Kids: 🎼”so no one told you life was gonna be this way”🎵 *clap clap clap 👏 *
Im a cool girl or so Ive been told by associates of the male gender. Im the girl every guy wants to hang with. Ol buddy, ol pal. Its really not a compliment, just an observation.
The definition of cool girl is much trickier. Apperently I am the girl you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you could tell anything to, hell, Id tell you the same and mean it. It doesnt happen that way though. Theres always an unnecessary secret. The secret hurts, the details do not. I could have been saved so much trouble. But here we are again. Listening to what people think I want to hear.
And lately theres this rash of “I dont deserve you and Ill prove it” going around. Self fulfilling prophecy.
I just want to be free like all of you. Arent relationships a two-way street?
Here, let my girl Tove summarize:
Jer signed a year lease on his own place and is in the process of moving all his big ticket items out of the house. I guess that makes the separation “official”.
I had hoped that something different would happen, anything. I kept hoping he’d be the one guy in my life to stand up and fight for me, but instead I’m just here shadowboxing, prepared to swing at something, anything.
He had said that his intentions were to take this time and space to work on his own issues so that if we stood a fighting chance, he’d be able to fight. Words vs. actions doesn’t seem that way though. Im grown enough to recognize that.
As his best friend was helping him move out yesterday, I heard him say, “If this is a bluff, I’m not helping you move your shit back in.” It made my gut drop. My gut said this was something I couldn’t ignore. That’s his best friend. What exactly, if anything, has he said to him about his intentions?
I don’t know. I just don’t want to deal with any of this. I’d just like to awaken when all the dust is settled and decisions are made so I know what to do. And so, we have this Sunday’s song …
I cannot tell you how incredibly difficult it is for me to narrow down 3 songs for the wide array of music that I hold dear to my heart. I love music. I cannot imagine life without it. If it’s not playing in the background as I go about my daily activities, it’s in my head. There is always music.
The Middle – Jimmy Eat World: This is my theme song. It’s my go to “improve the mood” tune. It instantly uplifts me and gets me in kick ass, everything is gonna be alright mode. It usually gets me up dancing, tossing my hair around and generally rocking out without a care in the world.
So Far Away – Staind: Besides being the song Jer and I chose for our first dance as husband and wife, this song resonates with me because the life that I am living now is so far away from my previous life and marriage. This is my life, it’s not what it was before. Im definitely not the girl I used to be. I’ve come into my own and am forever grateful that I have had the opportunity to do so. This song gets me quite reflective on how much I have to be thankful for and how wonderful and beautiful the journey arriving at this place has been.
The Dance – Garth Brooks: There is no other song that captures the dance of life like this song. It’s my outlook on past relationships and experiences, good and bad. I could’ve missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance. Despite everything, it’s all made me who I am today and though there are things I would have like to have gone differently if I had missed it, exactly as it went down, who knows where and what I’d be today. It rings true of the sweet and sour. It so captures the beautiful experience of life that I want it to be played at my funeral, as a reminder to everyone there of what it’s all really about.
There’s something about Easter, or resurrection Sunday that makes me reflect on my trials and triumphs. The sweet and the sour. It may be the gospel of just three days separating such a horrific event leading to the most glorious day the world has ever known. Maybe it’s the suggestion that new life can be breathed into even the most impossible situations. Whatever it is I just come away from it … grateful.
For all of it.
The good, the bad and the ugly. No matter what I’ve done or where I’ve been, it has got me here and despite the struggles, looking back through it all is quite a beautiful sight.
It just so happens that I watched ‘Beyond the Lights‘ last night and discovered the perfect song and lyrics for exactly what it is I’m trying to convey.
Because I’m trying to ‘Hold On‘, I give you Alabama Shakes, my friends.
I am currently just OBSESSED with this song “Beautiful Pain” by Propaganda.
I spent a lot of time examining relationships in my life this week and the words exchanged in the most passionate of moments.
I examined relationships in my past and present, amongst family and friends and even with myself. In continuing to audit past posts on my site, there were also many words. I spent much of today involved in conversation with my best friend. We discussed the weight and careless tossing around of words.
What I came away with is that even when words hurt they’re worth saying and hearing. We can learn so much about ourselves and others by what is said. Even when we later regret what has been said, when words leave us bitter and raw, see and hear the opportunity for lessons.
To that end, we should all ask and say more. Say anything. But don’t leave things unsaid.
Tristan Prettyman – Say Anything