A side order of awkward

A girlfriend of mine asked if she could take me out.

I replied, “Hell yeh. Let’s do that! I’m so excited.”

This is someone I used to work with. It’s been awhile since we’ve had hangouts.

Then she says that she was glad she asked me. She said, “I was thinking to myself, ‘I’m feeling quite ballsy. I’m going to ask her out.'”

I swear to God, I am figuring out that this was a date I had just agreed to go on while she was simultaneously telling me about how depressed she had been, anxious and about intrusive self harm and suicidal thoughts.

(sidenote:this is not as alarming to me. this is something people often reach out to me about due to my volunteering as a crisis counselor and that i’m an open book when it comes to my personal experiences with mental health issues)

So, while I would have liked to have just explained the misunderstanding, timing was real bad.

I asked my teenage daughter what she would do in both situations. Tell her was the obvious go-to, but when she heard me talk about the depression, she look up at me, shook her head and said, “I guess cut your nails, Mom” *i am dead 😂*

Look, I’ve experimented, but mostly with a partner. It’s more for them than me. If I was in a relationship, I might even pitch the idea. Is that wrong?

Then, I started to review how many things I have done in my life that I was uncomfortable with, but didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so, I just went along? The answer is a lot. THEN, I thought: exactly how far does consideration go? Jesus Christ! Is it possible to be too empathetic? Because I think I’m doomed ya’ll.

*clips nails*

Today was a good day

Today was the day Bean and I took a giant leap into a future together, with kids in tow. He brought his boys, 8 and 6 years old, over to my house for the first time to have a early 4th of July shindig, with my Pickle(21), Jedi (16) and Diva(14). It reminded me of high school chemistry. We put all kinds of different stuff together and waited for the reaction.

My Dad went out of his way to make Bean’s boys feel like a regular members of our clan and I love him so much for it. He got all 5 of them super soaker water guns and thus, allegiances were made to water war. My kids acted like kids. None of them batted an eye or balked at the idea of child’s play. The big kids helped the little kids with strategy and ammunitions, while Bean and I prepared food. Then we all ate together, kept casual conversation going that entertained all parties, followed by a bonfire, smores and fireworks.

It was a much needed good day for all parties involved and I am grateful for it.

Things My Kids Say: Jedi Edition

– Good morning. Hey! Your hair looks like mine. Twinsies!

– Mom. Why is there no taco emoji? I must know the answer!

– Im pretty sure the cat has telepathic powers.

– Don’t forget I have drama practice today. I expect dinner when I get home. Im totally kidding, girlfriend.

– 🎶 (singing) Mom, I love you. You are so awesome. Because look at you. You have green hair. That’s awesome. And I looooove you. 🎶

All this in 10 minutes before he left for school.

He’s Buddy the Elf’s love child, I swear.

Why do I do this to myself?

I wish I could tell you that I had some deep philosophical theory about why I pay someone to torture me for hours on end to have an image etched into my skin for the rest of my life, but I don’t. I don’t know why I get tattoos. I just know that every couple years something strikes me so profoundly emotionally that I feel it must have a physical manifestation.
THIS tattoo was actually an evolution of a previouw piece. THe year my divorce was finalized was tragic but still triumphant in many ways. I had to rip apart my family, set who I was ablaze and find a new reincarnation of myself. A phoenix it seemed was the right represntation of what I had just gone through. At the time I had the tattoo done, I was all about pushing through, surviving and being strong in some very, very dark times. THe tattoo itself was obscure. It was vaguely a phoenix and it was dark as if rising from the ashes but still being covered in soot. I had it plassed to left of my spine and behind my heart, where I think a spirit might reside if it had a physical place in your body. As the years have passed though, I have really found out exactly what kind of phoenix I am, I’m a lot more than just a survivor. I’ve found my wings, myself. I’ve learned how to fly. To soar. Thus, the tattoo needed to as well. It needed COLOR and love and soar…
And so now, it does.
“Fascinating creatures, phoenixes. They carry immesnsely heavy loads, their tears having healing powers.” – JK Rowling

Drinks with friends

This picture really has no meaning. I saw it in a shop window after a couple drinks with friends, was amused and thought it made perfect sense as a representation of what one feels like after drinking Jäger. I can’t drink the stuff anymore. One too many Jäger bombs one night.

Last night was fun. Met up with some friends at a local brewery to celebrate, or maybe mourn, my bestest friend’s layoff. I don’t think it’s really hit her yet and still feels like a vacation right now. She has no plans for where to go next. She’s not worried and neither am I. Honestly, this woman has been through so much and she always lands on her feet. I admire that in people. When life knocks them down, that they can get back up, brush themselves off and forge ahead with their sense of humor still in tact. It would be much easier to sit and sulk and point fingers, but she never does. Im very thankful to have her in my life.

When I had my miscarriage several years back, I had to go into the office following my D&C for a follow up and the waiting room was full of happy expectant mothers. I walked back outside and called her. I didn’t know how I would do this or if I even could. She told me that I was fine. That I would pull my big girl panties up, walk back inside and be happy for those women because I had known motherhood but I had also known loss and because I was the strongest person she knew, I would smile knowing the true worth of what I witnessing. She was right. That’s exactly what I did.

Anyway, last night was a good time. The husband came out, was a good sport and designated driver. I enjoyed my time with him. Im extremely appreciative that he is trying. Holding my hands, playing with my hair…I love those little moments between us. And after witnessing the horror of single life up close and personal , Im VERY grateful to be married. To him.

I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. It felt really good.

About Last Night

Last night ended up being one of the best nights I had had in a very long time.

A couple days ago I got a call from my friend, Biscuit, who is very dear to my heart but lives on the other side of the country. Unfortunately she told me she would be here for a funeral but wanted to get together. After a long week, yesterday I got to go rescue her.

We spent the afternoon catching up and talking to each other in a way that most people in my life just don’t truly understand or appreciate. If I went into all the ways that our souls intertwine, I could write a novel on the subject. So, in short, I will just say that she gets me. She also shares something with me that nobody else on Earth will ever understand because they did not experience it which makes her all that more endearing to me.

It just so happens that this friend of mine has always reminded me of a friend of my Husbster and I have always thought in my head if those two hooked up – it would either be disastrous, or the best thing that ever happened. I took a chance. What the hell…she’s only in town for a couple of days.

We went out and had the absolute best time you can have in a snow storm that cancels your plans and makes you stay in and play board games and watch Fraggile Rock. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. Between the two of our friends, sometimes I had to run to the bathroom because I literally thought I might pee myself in a fit of laughter.

It was just a really good time that did my soul good.