A side order of awkward

A girlfriend of mine asked if she could take me out.

I replied, “Hell yeh. Let’s do that! I’m so excited.”

This is someone I used to work with. It’s been awhile since we’ve had hangouts.

Then she says that she was glad she asked me. She said, “I was thinking to myself, ‘I’m feeling quite ballsy. I’m going to ask her out.'”

I swear to God, I am figuring out that this was a date I had just agreed to go on while she was simultaneously telling me about how depressed she had been, anxious and about intrusive self harm and suicidal thoughts.

(sidenote:this is not as alarming to me. this is something people often reach out to me about due to my volunteering as a crisis counselor and that i’m an open book when it comes to my personal experiences with mental health issues)

So, while I would have liked to have just explained the misunderstanding, timing was real bad.

I asked my teenage daughter what she would do in both situations. Tell her was the obvious go-to, but when she heard me talk about the depression, she look up at me, shook her head and said, “I guess cut your nails, Mom” *i am dead ūüėā*

Look, I’ve experimented, but mostly with a partner. It’s more for them than me. If I was in a relationship, I might even pitch the idea. Is that wrong?

Then, I started to review how many things I have done in my life that I was uncomfortable with, but didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so, I just went along? The answer is a lot. THEN, I thought: exactly how far does consideration go? Jesus Christ! Is it possible to be too empathetic? Because I think I’m doomed ya’ll.

*clips nails*

Today was a good day

Today was the day Bean and I took a giant leap into a future together, with kids in tow. He brought his boys, 8 and 6 years old, over to my house for the first time to have a early 4th of July shindig, with my Pickle(21), Jedi (16) and Diva(14). It reminded me of high school chemistry. We put all kinds of different stuff together and waited for the reaction.

My Dad went out of his way to make Bean’s boys feel like a regular members of our clan and I love him so much for it. He got all 5 of them super soaker water guns and thus, allegiances were made to water war. My kids acted like kids. None of them batted an eye or balked at the idea of child’s play. The big kids helped the little kids with strategy and ammunitions, while Bean and I prepared food. Then we all ate together, kept casual conversation going that entertained all parties, followed by a bonfire, smores and fireworks.

It was a much needed good day for all parties involved and I am grateful for it.

Things My Kids Say: Jedi Edition

– Good morning. Hey! Your hair looks like mine. Twinsies!

– Mom. Why is there no taco emoji? I must know the answer!

– Im pretty sure the cat has telepathic powers.

– Don’t forget I have drama practice today. I expect dinner when I get home. Im totally kidding, girlfriend.

– ūüé∂ (singing) Mom, I love you. You are so awesome. Because look at you. You have green hair. That’s awesome. And I looooove you. ūüé∂

All this in 10 minutes before he left for school.

He’s Buddy the Elf’s love child, I swear.

Why do I do this to myself?

I wish I could tell you that I had some deep philosophical theory about why I pay someone to torture me for hours on end to have an image etched into my skin for the rest of my life, but I don’t. I don’t know why I get tattoos. I just know that every couple years something strikes me so profoundly emotionally that I feel it must have a physical manifestation.
THIS tattoo was actually an evolution of a previouw piece. THe year my divorce was finalized was tragic but still triumphant in many ways. I had to rip apart my family, set who I was ablaze and find a new reincarnation of myself. A phoenix it seemed was the right represntation of what I had just gone through. At the time I had the tattoo done, I was all about pushing through, surviving and being strong in some very, very dark times. THe tattoo itself was obscure. It was vaguely a phoenix and it was dark as if rising from the ashes but still being covered in soot. I had it plassed to left of my spine and behind my heart, where I think a spirit might reside if it had a physical place in your body. As the years have passed though, I have really found out exactly what kind of phoenix I am, I’m a lot more than just a survivor. I’ve found my wings, myself. I’ve learned how to fly. To soar. Thus, the tattoo needed to as well. It needed COLOR and love and soar…
And so now, it does.
“Fascinating creatures, phoenixes. They carry immesnsely heavy loads, their tears having healing powers.” – JK Rowling

Drinks with friends

This picture really has no meaning. I saw it in a shop window after a couple drinks with friends, was amused and thought it made perfect sense as a representation of what one feels like after drinking J√§ger. I can’t drink the stuff anymore. One too many J√§ger bombs one night.

Last night was fun. Met up with some friends at a local brewery to celebrate, or maybe mourn, my bestest friend’s layoff. I don’t think it’s really hit her yet and still feels like a vacation right now. She has no plans for where to go next. She’s not worried and neither am I. Honestly, this woman has been through so much and she always lands on her feet. I admire that in people. When life knocks them down, that they can get back up, brush themselves off and forge ahead with their sense of humor still in tact. It would be much easier to sit and sulk and point fingers, but she never does. Im very thankful to have her in my life.

When I had my miscarriage several years back, I had to go into the office following my D&C for a follow up and the waiting room was full of happy expectant mothers. I walked back outside and called her. I didn’t know how I would do this or if I even could. She told me that I was fine. That I would pull my big girl panties up, walk back inside and be happy for those women because I had known motherhood but I had also known loss and because I was the strongest person she knew, I would smile knowing the true worth of what I witnessing. She was right. That’s exactly what I did.

Anyway, last night was a good time. The husband came out, was a good sport and designated driver. I enjoyed my time with him. Im extremely appreciative that he is trying. Holding my hands, playing with my hair…I love those little moments between us. And after witnessing the horror of single life up close and personal , Im VERY grateful to be married. To him.

I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. It felt really good.

About Last Night

Last night ended up being one of the best nights I had had in a very long time.

A couple days ago I got a call from my friend, Biscuit, who is very dear to my heart but lives on the other side of the country. Unfortunately she told me she would be here for a funeral but wanted to get together. After a long week, yesterday I got to go rescue her.

We spent the afternoon catching up and talking to each other in a way that most people in my life just don’t truly understand or appreciate. If I went into all the ways that our souls intertwine, I could write a novel on the subject. So, in short, I will just say that she gets me. She also shares something with me that nobody else on Earth will ever understand because they did not experience it which makes her all that more endearing to me.

It just so happens that this friend of mine has always reminded me of a friend of my Husbster¬†and I have always thought in my head if those two hooked up – it would either be disastrous, or the best thing that ever happened. I took a chance. What the hell…she’s only in town for a couple of days.

We went out and had the absolute best time you can have in a snow storm that cancels your plans and makes you stay in and play board games and watch Fraggile Rock. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. Between the two of our friends, sometimes I had to run to the bathroom because I literally thought I might pee myself in a fit of laughter.

It was just a really good time that did my soul good.

Rivalring bitch

Friday afternoon I got a text from Matilda. Some of you will remember Matilda (she’s the one that showed up drunk to my son’s birthday one year or who stopped by my blog one day when I wrote about the problems with my oldest son to tell me how I just need to deal with it and I am plagued with “made up diseases”) It’s a love hate relationship. I love her, she hates everyone.

Basically, she’s someone whom I used to consider a friend. Someone who I care about immensely but find it is a waste to invest anything emotionally with. If, I had the slightest hint that it mattered to her, I might feel bad about saying what I’m saying, but the truth is….she’s said enough about me when I least expected it for me to really care anymore. Real truth be told, I care about her daughter like I would a niece of my own. I adore her and I care enough about her to occasionally expose myself to her mother’s toxic personality at the hopes of keeping up with her.

About two weeks ago, Matilda called me and asked me if she could interview me for a thing she has to do for school about someone in a profession in which she has an interest in. I agreed only because I convinced her to meet me on my lunch break and I knew 1. there was a set time limit on my lunch and 2. she would be sober. As I’m getting ready to leave, Jen more or less invites herself along to lunch with me which I was sure was going to make the experience with Matilda alot more interesting. Matilda has a way of hating everyone new that she meets and not being so secretive about it.

Lunch went well. Matilda was on her best behavior. Conversation turned at one point to her drinking habits and how much better she was doing and then on to how her brother would playing out Friday night in a battle of the bands. She invited me to go and I said I’d talk to Jer. I had decided I wasn’t going to go unless I could get another friend to go with me because IF Matilda ended up drinking the way she used to, I didn’t want to have wasted an entire night out on the town with “grown ups”.

Friday night arrives and Jody from work and her husband are up for a battle of the bands so we agree to meet there. I walk in and see Matilda’s brother and sister at the bar, sober, ¬†and walk up and greet¬†them. I ask about Matilda and her sister points¬†her out across the room. I¬†sneak up behind her and grab her butt and the second she turned around I knew I was in trouble.

First, she looked at me with half opened eyes and turned back around and then she turned back around for a double take, eyes wide open, latches on to me screaming in my ear that she’s sooooo happy I’m there. She reeks. She almost topples both of us over onto the¬†speaker system behind. The next twenty minutes involves¬†her introducing me to people as her “professional friend, Stephanie, who is way better than me” and fumbling through conversations that I cannot follow sober, but¬†which the other drunk patrons don’t seem to be able to follow either. I leave her with her “friends” and make my way over to Jody and her husband.

I step out on the patio with Jody for a smoke and here comes Matilda stumbling through the door. She walks right up to Jody and starts in on her. Asking her if she has a banana clip in her hair – this is meant to be an insult, making up some bizarre story about her children trying to stir her from a druken slumber for work, which she tells us is¬†a joke, that apparently we both didn’t get. Then she, thankfully, turns her attention to two much younger, cutesy girls nearby. A girl named Kristina in an orange dress and orange heels and Jen who was about to have her skills checked in smart ass remarks.

This is the actual conversation, verbatum…

Matilda: Stephanie, this is Kristina with a “K” because she spells it the friendly way and Jen. (she introduced them backwards by the way)

Jen: Hello, nice to meet you

Me: Oh, I’m sure this isn’t going to be as nice as you might think it is.

Matilda: So Kristina (actually Jen) is here because she has a friend in a lame band.

Jen: Oh, you’re assuming. Do you know what happens when you assume?

Matilda: Oh, you think you’re going to tell ME something. You think you know something? You think because someone BLACK told you a little catch assume phrase that you know something? I know black people.

Me: What does the assume breakdown have to do with being black? I know black people I don’t think one of them has ever said the assume thing that Jen is about to say.

Matilda: Kristina

Jen: Jen, actually.

Matilda: No, tell me child, what does it mean when I assume?

Jen: It makes an ass out of you, not me.

Matilda: Bitch, I am a rivalaring bitch. Do you know how to spell rivalaring?

Jen: Thats why I’m going to college.

Matilda: You’re going to college to learn how to spell rivalaring? That’s a waste of fuckin money. Don’t use words you can’t spell, sugah.

Jen: I didn’t use it.

Matilda: What?

Jen: I didn’t use that word, you did, but I can spell it.

Me: Okie dokie. This has been fun. Kristina, Jen, it was very nice meeting you and good luck in college, ladies.

Kristina either really didn’t say¬† much or I might have blocked it out after the third time she used the word “stellar”. I don’t like that word. Nothing personal.

With Jody and I back inside, we ducked into a back booth with our Hubbies and go into stealth mode. Looking at each other with wide eyes. Me issuing lots of apologies and waiting in stunned silence. Then Kristina and Jen come back in. I can’t hear what they are saying from across the room but I can tell by their acted out druken mannerisms and how much they resemble Matilda that they are recanting the patio story.

No sooner do they finish their story, does Matilda stumble in past them walking across the whole room in front of the stage, oblivious to the fact that her pants have slid down past her nonexistent hips revealing the majority of her arse. The whole place is pointing and cackling. Matilda had become “that drunk lady”.

It was absolutely horrible. I walked over to hug Matilda goodbye and made an awkward attempt at trying to pull up her pants which she was thankfully oblivious to. We didn’t stay very long after that. The whole way home I¬†told Jer about¬†the first time I met Matilda and how I had always been enthralled by her “intelligence” and “brutal honesty” and in the middle of that conversation I realized that being loud and opinionated doesn’t make you smart and in fact, as it turns out Matilda is quite ignorant. It was just so striking to me that Matilda used to be the kinda girl that everyone seemed¬†to move out of the way for….

but I guess they still do.

Good weekend

I’m having a really good weekend if I do say so myself.

Pickle had a friend stay the night Friday.¬†I’m friends with Pickle’s friend’s Mom so¬†she sat and chatted¬†with me for awhile when she dropped off his sleeping bag and what not. As soon as she walked in the house, her face lit up and she said, “Wow. Your house, and you…. just seem so happy. It feels like home. Feels a lot different than the last time I was here.” That made me feel good.¬†Of course, the kids had a lot of fun. We had pizza and made cupcakes. There was lots of giggling about farts and burps. I don’t care how old you are, it never stops being funny. Made me think about having my cousin Ni spend the night when we were little and how we would stay up telling stories about Mr. Diaherra and Mrs. Poop and their little boy, Turd and we would laugh and laugh. My Dad would come in and say in a very stern voice, “Time to sleep, girls.” and we’d muster our laughs until he left the room and then one of us would whisper, “fart” and the giggling would resume.

Ahh..yes, the good old days.

Anyway, Jer and I made a BIG breakfast Saturday morning. Everybody was in a really good mood.¬†The kids kept saying, “This is the best day ever.” It was really sweet. Then the¬†boys went to stay the night with¬†ex-mom-in-law¬†last night and¬†the Diva went to my parents. I went out with¬†boyfriend and an old friend and some new friends I’ve made recently. Had some drinks, did some dancing – on a stage for an added bonus. Ate¬†a meal at 3 a.m. Basically, I acted my age. Ok, maybe a little younger.

Then I came home got in my jammies, slept til noon today. Got up and watched a B movie with the boyfriend (Ha- I have a boyfriend) and decided it was a pajama day. I am trying not to do much. I did some laundry and dishes and picked up a little first, but then it was just lounging. There was a big tickle/wrestling match. The girls (Me & Diva) vs. The boy (Jer).

And now it’s actually nice enough to sit out on my patio with my laptop and write a blog, while the kids run around around the yard. Exciting stuff. Spring is around the corner and I couldn’t be happier about that.

I’m very content.