Wild Woman Sisterhood

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” ~ Jane Howard

I am so very thankful for my wild woman sisters from other misters today. We were supposed to have book club last night, book club. Innocent, enough. As it turns out, our fearless female leader had fallen ill, so the two sisters I had tagging along for book club and I ended up at barcade. We got our Yoshi, pinball, PacMan, Skee-ball ON and were silly and wild and there was so much laughter and joy. Different ages, different races. Delicious ambiguity.

Yes, please, may I have some more?

Today was a good day.

Cold and blustery. Intimidating on the surface as I start immunosuppressive therapies tomorrow. I just needed a day to dust myself off, get back out in the world, see beauty and have fun. I was not disappointed.

Maui took me to Cleveland’s Botanical Garden for ORCHIDMANIA and a butterfly release. I was not disappointed:

IMG_2565

 

IMG_1846.JPG

This was promptly followed by an evening at the casino hanging out with my secret identity where I was reintroduced to an old flame, spending money as entertainment!

IMG_1916

We even hit a Red Robin up on the way home for burgers, bottomless fries and bottomless root beer floats. YUMMM.

The point is, I’m so grateful for today. It may the last day I’m able to get out and walk amongst the living for a while due to the immunosuppression, but Maui was determined to show me a good time. We got a little crazy at the casino.

There was lots of smiling and laughter. My heart is full. That is all.

Sunday’s Song

This week while inpatient, I learned that Im still perfect even when Im fucked up because Im being myself. I was able to reach out and make deep connections despite intense personal suffering and I was told directly of it’s impact by a handful of people. You may think, ‘only a handful?’ and while you may be right, to meet people where they are and love them exactly as they are, unconditionally, I find is hard work that not all humans are capable. It seems to be my superpower.

The Trip

Flexing my courage muscle and reconnecting with my sense of adventure, led me on a trip I had never taken before. Mentally. I am safe and have a most excellent trip sitter. When he feels me revealing vulnerability, he takes off his shirt to even our spiritual levels. I cannot take my eyes off of him. He feels like looking in a mirror. He meets my compassion and intimacy. We lay together until the darkness is all around. It’s not a scary darkness. It’s peaceful. Stars twinkle and lightning bugs are aglow. I am in child like wonder. I move to sit on the old, worn wooden floor, but staying close enough to simultaneously touch him, only if I need to, so as to stay grounded. It feels as though everything in the universe in somehow geometrically revealing itself to me. I see the ways all energy is connected. I feel an immense understanding and gratitude in my soul. Silence has never sounded so good. The crickets, frogs and owls all singing with the wind. I close my eyes. In my mind’s eye, I sit in the center of a mass, bountiful forest on the ground’s dirt. Moonlight spotlights me here. In its beam I can see memories very vividly. Things I had not thought of in years.

Memories:

Childhood trauma, but in a way that was healing and a release. Everything made sense.

– My Aunt going “missing” while I was spending the night and my cousins telling me that their Dad was going to kill her.

– Arguments between Mom and Dad. Holes punched in the wall. Being awaken and packing up belongings, secretly, in the middle of the night.

– My Dad being distraught after witnessing a woman jump to her death.

– My parents having an argument on a road trip. Stopping Mom from removing a bottle of pills from her purse. My memory suggests she was suicidal.

– Distracting my little sister (7) with playing music and coloring in my room as a teenager and covertly sneaking and calling my Nana when I believed my Mom was suicidal and begging her to pick up her bedroom phone, while on a cordless on the other side of the door.

Revelations:

I always have music playing. This was a coping mechanism for myself and a protection for my little sister.

The only hope for a better future is to stop hoping for a better past.

The perfection in timing of bearing my children, earlier than planned, but right on time and before I would not be able to. The one experience I cannot imagine my life without.

Everyone is just a person and therefore FLAWED.

The devil on our shoulder is self-serving while the angel is concerned with serving others in love. Is hell then a society made up of the self-serving devils and heaven a society made of people serving one another in love?

I feel love. I just feel love for everything and everyone. Love, love. All you need is love.<3

And coming down from Cloud 9, was a mighty fine ride (13 years in the making).

Whatever this is…I want MORE.

A side order of awkward

A girlfriend of mine asked if she could take me out.

I replied, “Hell yeh. Let’s do that! I’m so excited.”

This is someone I used to work with. It’s been awhile since we’ve had hangouts.

Then she says that she was glad she asked me. She said, “I was thinking to myself, ‘I’m feeling quite ballsy. I’m going to ask her out.'”

I swear to God, I am figuring out that this was a date I had just agreed to go on while she was simultaneously telling me about how depressed she had been, anxious and about intrusive self harm and suicidal thoughts.

(sidenote:this is not as alarming to me. this is something people often reach out to me about due to my volunteering as a crisis counselor and that i’m an open book when it comes to my personal experiences with mental health issues)

So, while I would have liked to have just explained the misunderstanding, timing was real bad.

I asked my teenage daughter what she would do in both situations. Tell her was the obvious go-to, but when she heard me talk about the depression, she look up at me, shook her head and said, “I guess cut your nails, Mom” *i am dead 😂*

Look, I’ve experimented, but mostly with a partner. It’s more for them than me. If I was in a relationship, I might even pitch the idea. Is that wrong?

Then, I started to review how many things I have done in my life that I was uncomfortable with, but didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so, I just went along? The answer is a lot. THEN, I thought: exactly how far does consideration go? Jesus Christ! Is it possible to be too empathetic? Because I think I’m doomed ya’ll.

*clips nails*

Today was a good day

Today was the day Bean and I took a giant leap into a future together, with kids in tow. He brought his boys, 8 and 6 years old, over to my house for the first time to have a early 4th of July shindig, with my Pickle(21), Jedi (16) and Diva(14). It reminded me of high school chemistry. We put all kinds of different stuff together and waited for the reaction.

My Dad went out of his way to make Bean’s boys feel like a regular members of our clan and I love him so much for it. He got all 5 of them super soaker water guns and thus, allegiances were made to water war. My kids acted like kids. None of them batted an eye or balked at the idea of child’s play. The big kids helped the little kids with strategy and ammunitions, while Bean and I prepared food. Then we all ate together, kept casual conversation going that entertained all parties, followed by a bonfire, smores and fireworks.

It was a much needed good day for all parties involved and I am grateful for it.