I’ll believe it when I see it

Today was visitation day for the kids with the El Chupa Douchebag. He called this morning to see who would be attending as in recent weeks both of the boys have more or less thrown in the towel in regards to playing the games their father engages in. I tell him it will most likely only be Diva. He says that sucks. I concur, but what can I do? He asks to talk to the boys and only Jedi will come to the phone.

Before I hand the phone over I hear Stankcy and PlayDoh in the background and I ask him if he can go somewhere alone so that when Jedi gets on the phone that he doesn’t hear PlayDoh as there are so many issues that involve him. Apparently when he goes away to get some quiet private time, “she” freaks out because “she” thinks he’s talking to me. This gets him pretty heated and they get into an argument. I explain that I’m not trying to cause problems, that I don’t care about “her” or “them” but I’m just trying to make things work for the kids. He says he knows, which shocks me and then he goes on to tell me that she’s a selfish bitch and that he’s started to see all the ways in which she has destroyed his relationship with “his family”.As I expected, Jedi has a meltdown about going to see his El Chupa so I take Diva over to my parents so that they can transport her to the visit.

I’m crying it’s just really emotionally draining to see your kids stress so much over seeing their “father”, for the love of God.

I send him a text message letting him know we’re running a few minutes late and that only Diva will be coming. He calls the house and is actually cordial to Jer. Asks him if there is anything he can do to help. Jer tells him he doesn’t know and he’ll have me call him later. El Chupa calls my cell and asks me what he can do. I tell him that all I can offer is my opinion and I already know he doesn’t want to hear it. He tells me that I’m the mother of his children, that makes my opinion matter. (Who is this person?)  I tell him… the kids problem with you is that: 1. they don’t like the way they see/hear you treat me and;;

2. that you live with “her” and after everything they feel like you betrayed them – those are their words, not mine. He actually says, that he can see why they might feel that way. I tell him that he needs to understand that they don’t feel that way because of me though. He stops me and tells me he knows. I tell him that he needs to stop telling them that he’s not mad and that he’s not being mean to anybody because they’re not stupid, they know he has and then they think he’s a liar. I tell him what you need to say is “I’m sorry, I’ve been a jerk. I was wrong. .I’ll try harder” and then DO IT.

He tells me he’s sorry. I tell him I don’t want to hear “sorry”, I’ve heard it for 10 years, enough, I just want him to make it right with them. He tells me he will. He says she’s a selfish bitch and she’s made this situation a win-win for her and a lose-lose for him and that he was blinded by it for way too long. I tell him I tried to tell him, but he didn’t want to her it. He says he couldn’t hear it. I told him that Jer even says that everything changed when he moved in with her. Sure, we had our issues and arguments, but we were always able to set it aside for the kids. We had dinner together and went to school functions together and they spent the night when they wanted. Then that stopped because “she” was jealous of him being around me, of his relationship with the kids. “She” started filling his head with b.s. because it worked to her advantage to turn him against us, but HE LET HER. He tells me he’s going to make it right.

That might have been a good decision a YEAR AGO.


The thing that makes this strange is that on Thursday he signed the papers ending our Shared Parenting Plan, giving me full custody and legal guardianship of the kids. The only parenting rights he retained were supervised visits. In the past, when he has played this hand with me, it has been prior to a court decision or agreement in Order to make me feel sorry for him and to cut him some slack. That’s not the case now.

I’m very suspicious of ulterior motives here. I’m also keenly aware that in the past, I was the “selfish bitch” so I don’t like the finger pointing that’s going on there, but he did also say it wasn’t just that, that it was his own actions as well.

Diva comes home from visitation and says “Daddy says he’s not going to be a jerk anymore“. My Mom says, “He was different today

Weird. That’s all I can say.

I’ll believe it when I see it.

What’s going on

It’s been 6 months since I wrote anything here, which flat-out stuns me. There used to be a time when all I did was write here. It hasn’t really been that there isn’t anything for me to write about. i just had to make my peace with writing in a more censored way than I was used to. At some point in the near future, I imagine that won’t be the case anymore.

So what has gone on for the last 6 months of my life? LOTS!

Last post: I got engaged. Didn’t really see that one coming. I mean I did. We talked about it, we had even played around in a jewelry store a few times just pointing out things and talking about the future. Then the ring came. A lot of people have asked me how I could have moved on so quickly after everything I’ve been through and if I have any doubts, but the honest to God truth is that I don’t have a single doubt. I have doubts about marriage, love and life in general, but not about him and even those tend to fade into the background where he is concerned. What has happened, happened. There really isn’t a damn thing I would’ve done differently. I know that. I accept the past exactly as is and I’m just ready to move on with my life. The future looks bright.

There are still messes from the past that are being cleaned up. The whole explosion of events from last summer have led to a court calendar I didn’t want. The last hearing is scheduled for April 18th. What it boils down to at this point is that there have been a slew of professional and evaluators in our lives since then and they have ALL determined, in a short summary, that the El Chupa Douchebag is a douchebag who is more interested in being a victim than he is in being a father to his children.

He has been reduced to supervised visits, every other Sunday for two hours, if the kids decide to go. Recently they have developed more disdain in regards to this situation because the time that he does have with them, he has used to bad mouth me and defend himself with lies, which even in their immature mind, recognize are not true, only furthering all the frustration they feel. He calls about twice a week. The kids can usually tolerate about 2-5 minutes before they’ve had enough. It’s sad, but I guess for now that’s the way it’s got to be. At least I hope it’s only for now. I would like to blame it all on Stankcy. I don’t think she’s a nice person and I believe she is actually playing all the head games he once accused me of playing. Ironic, huh? I dunno. Believe me, I’ve pretty much beat my head to a pulp trying to find a solution that end results with him being an exemplary parent. My best friend, Beavis, says sometimes that solution is just good-bye.

Fortunately, there’s been a man in their life who has stepped up to the title of father without any head banging or prompting and this seems to be making a world of difference.

Despite all this, the kids are doing great.

School is going great. Looks like I’ll be graduating with my Bachelors in Legal Studies come next summer and my career in the legal spectrum has really taken off. I like my job. I could love it. I love some of the people I work with….others I could just do without. I can’t tell you what a difference it makes to get a bit of notice for all your hard work and to have people tell you how above and beyond they think you perform in your role, even if it’s never your boss.

If you had told me 3 years ago that this would be my life, I’d probably have punched you in the face, but surprise, surprise, I’m finally where I want to be in my life story, just with different scenery, plot and characters.

Father’s Day

The last couple days have brought about a lot of issues in lieu of Father’s Day that have sent my heart in roller coaster mode.

It started on Thursday on my way into work when the kids and I heard a commercial on the radio about Father’s Day. The kids started asking me when it was. Then out of nowhere Pickle says, “Mom, I want to get Jer something for Father’s Day for being such a good friend to us. I know he’s not my Dad, but he takes good care of us.”  I told him that I thought that was a very nice thing to do. But I didn’t know how to handle it. On one hand, I like that he sees the good man that Jer is and appreciates it, but on another hand … it’s sad, that he was the first person he thought about on Father’s Day.

When I went to get my Dad’s card, Pickle picked out a card for Jer from the kids and I let Jedi pick one out for the El Chupa. This was a hard pill to swallow as well since he didn’t help the kids do anything for me for Mother’s Day. I regressed that notion since, I don’t want to sink to that level of animosity that won’t allow me to teach my children respect and appreciation of the other parent.

Last night, before I put the kids to bed, I got the cards out for the kids to sign. Pickle took a lot of pride in my Dad’s card and Jer’s, but then refused to sign his El Chuhpa’s When I told him not to be like that and reminded him of the things he HAS done for him, like camping and four-wheeling last weekend, he rolled his eyes, picked up the pen and wrote his name and then said, “He probably won’t even show up.” Ouch.

My parents came over so the kids could give their gifts to Papa since they weren’t going to be here today. When Pickle overheard my Mom talking about going to church and to lunch with my Dad tomorrow, he hugged my Mom in a sad, mopey way and told her he wanted to go with her and he didn’t want to go to El Chupa’s tomorrow. I told him again, that his Dad loved him and that it was Father’s Day and he needed to spend some time with him.

He was very mad at me this morning. Was in tears talking to me about not wanting to go today. I finally, just had to get stern with him and tell him, It’s Father’s Day, you’re going with your Dad, that’s it.  He loosened up a little bit when I told him they would probably be going out to his Nana’s house to visit with El Chupa’s Dad. Then he wasn’t here at 9am. When I told him he was running late. he again said, he probably won’t come. Despite me reminding him that he needed to get his Dad’s Father’s Day cards before he left, he just looked at me and walked out the door. Jedi and Diva got the stuff and took it out to him and I sat here on the couch crying. All of this really sucked.

I was already upset that EX waited until 8:36 this morning to tell me he wouldn’t be here until 10:30. I had plans to go to church with my Dad today and church starts at 10:30 and is a half hour away. It’s hard to encourage your child to be positive about a situation you already have your own feelings about. Then, as I’m sitting here trying to rush and do schoolwork so I can go have lunch with my Dad AFTER church, I get a text message from him saying he’ll be bringing the kids home at 3pm. Wtf? He hasn’t seen his kids in a week, it’s Father’s Day, a day about a man who has children, and he doesn’t want his time? His scheduled visitation was from 9am- 7pm. This means that I will now have to rush along my plans, changing them once again, because he can’t do what he’s supposed to. I try telling him I have plans and he texts me and says, then I will have to pick them up. This would be an exception to the restraining order, so I won’t agree. then he sends me a text telling me can’t drop them off here at 7 because he has to pick up HER kids. Whoooooooaaaa. No. SHE needs to pick up HER kids. They don’t need to hold each others hands to be parents. And if she knew she had to pick up her kids at a time that would interfere with his visitation why would she come with him, knowing he’ll have to give up his time?  He sees her kids more than he does his own! So, when I start explaining that I’ve now had to change my plans twice all because of HER schedule, he tells me it’s none of my business. When I point out that it’s like this for every visitation, there’s always some excuse, he starts telling me how I’M not working in the kids best interest. It’s all MY FAULT because I won’t drive them out there because I’m bitter and he gives me all this money in child support so I should do something with that money to help him., the economy’s fault because they can only afford to put gas in one car? (yet he has a company vehicle as well, and his company pays for all the gas he uses all week long)  He tells me that I don’t understand because I don’t have to do the driving, I just have to wait for him.  I’m sorry, but didn’t he know where his kids lived when he moved that far away? This would be like him moving to Illinois and expecting me to pay for plane tickets. And as far as child support goes, he gets 50% of his income for just himself, I get 50% of his income for 3 KIDS. And what about all the driving I do to doctor’s appointments, baseball practices and games, swimming lessons, school conferences? I’m always on time and him? He just never shows. But, you know, I know he has to work so I don’t make it this issue of him being a bad father, but yet everything I do, or don’t do is an issue of me being a bad mother.

It’s interesting because I remember in the past him being completely furious at his ex wife when she picked Pickle up late and dropped him off early. How irate he would be at her audacity for her to expect him to rearrange his life, or that her life didn’t revolve around her son, that spending time wasn’t the most important thing, complaining about how everything was always a bigger priority than him. The way his mother and his other family members would put her down and call her trash because of it. Ironic, isn’t it? That now he makes me out to be the bitch because I have those expectations of him for his children?

And the bullshit continued, after rushing through lunch with my Dad, he didn’t show up til after 3:30. The kids come running in telling me how Daddy got a dog and Pickle starts talking about how he’s crazy because he thought I would be mad that he got a dog for Father’s Day. Jedi telling me he wanted to bring it in for me to see it.  I called him and ask why he would tell the kids that? He says because it was what he thought. When I try to tell him I don’t care, it’s cool, whatever, we’re getting ready to get a dog, I get it, but that it’s a little baffling that he would take on the cost of raising a dog when he says he can’t afford to buy gas to see his kids. Does that seem strange to anyone but me? He starts telling me his finances are none of my business. Yet I have to wonder when he’s telling my kids I have all of his money and they’re asking me questions like, why can Daddy buy Stankcy a ring but he can’t buy gas to come see us. These are THEIR questions. Then he accuses me of feeding this. Do you know how insulting that is when I’m CONSTANTLY trying to put my own feelings aside and trying to encourage the kids relationship with him? I don’t think anyone can appreciate the fresh hell that is.

(sigh) Really, I ‘m not sure what to do about any of this, that I’m not already doing.

What I do know, is that I will be forever grateful to my father for being a man who has shown up and been an awesome father figure not only to me, but to my children as well, and for a man, like Jer, who steps in and not only fills shoes that aren’t his to fill without excuses, but doesn’t bat an eye or expect any special recognition in return.

I’ll thank God for those men … everyday.

There are somethings I’ll never get used to

Sitting in a waiting room as far away from possible from the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life without exchanging eye contact or words, while he sits next to the woman who so quickly occupied the space in his heart where I was promised to be forever.  The man, who asked me to marry him, who swore to honor and cherish me – til death do us part, who held my hand while I gave birth to our children….

It’s hard to take when thought of like that.

However, this is also the man who took me for granted, never honor or cherished me as a wife, used me and abused me for all it was worth and grabbed me by the throat while he was drunk while our children were earshot away.

Not so heartwrenching where all that comes to play.

I woke up early this morning. Laid in bed staring at the ceiling and just asking God for some strength and discernment in this current turmoil. Got up to go to the bathroom and got a little freaked out to hear footsteps coming up the stairs. But, I was greeted by a warm smile, a kiss on the forehead, a toasted bagel and fresh coffee. When I asked Jer what he was doing home he says he had planned to take today off and cleared it with his boss weeks ago, for support. We let the kids sleep in while we talked. It was tremondously helpful to have him there. We took the kids to daycare together. We ran errands together and then chilled for awhile. He was going to go to court with me, but I thought it better to go with my Dad as all of these changes are hard for everybody and I didn’t want to add to it. I figure these things are between ex and I and the ex knows my Dad and he knows he’s fair, levelheaded and unbiased.

El Chupa Douchebag showed up with his girlfriend. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but you think if someone really had their kids best interest at heart and was looking for a solution in that regard that they wouldn’t bring someone to court with them whom they have told you is extremely jealous of you and your chidlren. Someone who got pissed at him for visiting our child in the ER because I was there. Doesn’t really promote an open dialogue. But really, what else did I expect? Of course she had to be there. She can’t let him do anything alone. In my opinion, that’s not love, that’s codependence and ownership, but what do I know.  She is his keeper and apperhently it works for them.

It’s slightly humorous since he used to always be so paranoid and make accusations about me trying to control everything. Who knows, maybe he doesn’t even see how he’s been manipulated. How she’s molded him and his life and his relationships with those he loves into exactly what she was comfortable with. Not my problem.

Here’s some free advice to everyone: If you are trying to do something that you think is in the best interest of your children and it involves telling a bold faced lie about the other parent – it is not in your child’s best interest. That mentality is just selfish and self-serving. But at least I know what I’m dealing with. He’ll say anything and do anything with out regard for what it does to me, or more importantly, the children. This is all about him. Which makes all the things I have motioned the court for concerning the kids, that much more validated.

The day ended on high notes though:

When I left, I got to go pick up the kids. They all ran up to me, yelling … “MOMMY!” Hugs and kisses galore. When I arrived back at the house, I received the most beautiful bouquet of flowers along with a moment of complete peace while the man I loved held me in his arms.

And that, my friends, is what makes it all worthwhile.

You’ve GOT to be kidding me 6/5/07

You’ll never believe what El Chupa Douchebag is pulling out of his ass for court next Monday.


The back story is that Jedi was being tested for ADHD for quite some time by the school. After months of grappling over it, I was finally given substantial evidence that he does indeed need some help in this department and took my doctor’s advice about him taking medication. He’s not happy, I guess because he’s not in control and he’s trying to make it about him – not Jedi, so …  what did he do? He called and DEMANDED to speak to Jedi’s doctor (who is in the same practice as my doctor, who I see occasionally when my doctor is booked) and told the office triage nurse that I’m being checked for Munchhausen syndrome, I assume to discredit my ability to make decisions for my son.


If you don’t know what it is, look it up and have a laugh on me.

I mean c’mon – if he realy believed that where the hell was he for all their doctor’s appointments? Could he be trying to say I made up Pickle’s seizures too? When there are MULTIPLE, HIGHLY ACTIVE, EEGs showing seizures once per second?

Can you say : DESPERATION ?

(severe eyeroll)

Also, he refused to pick the kids up at daycare tonight. Said he would be where he is supposed to be at the time he is supposed to be there, because the restraining order doesn’t say that he can pick them up there, only here. So after trying for 20 minutes to explain to him that it only says he can pick them up here, because this is where I live and it’s an exception to him not being allowed to be around ME. I find this amusing since he’s been trying to get me to meet him halfway somewhere, because he can’t afford the gas. And the daycare is CLOSER to him and it’s 3rd party involvement so that he doesn’t have to deal with me.

The man makes no sense.

(heavy sigh)

Life can be understood backwards, but must be lived forward

It started Sunday.
Jedi came into my room and asked me if it was ok with me if Stankcy was his step-mom. I told him that she would be his step-mom if/when they got married. He said he knew that but he just wanted to know if it was ok with me. I told him that I didn’t want him to worry about me and that we would just have to wait and see what happens. Diva happens to overhear the conversation and came in and told me that Daddy was getting married and that Daddy loved her. Despite what I wanted to say, I bit my tongue and just said good for them and tucked her back in bed. Of course Pickle overheard all of this as well, because I could hear him telling Jedi in the other room that Daddy said he wasn’t supposed to say anything to me about it. Nice. I shook my head realizing that my Ex had purposely set me up for this.

So I went to Pickle and told him it was ok, that I wanted them to be able to talk to me about anything and I told him that I didn’t think Dad should be telling him not to tell me things because we don’t keep secrets. As I was getting ready to walk out of the room, Pickle says, “Mom, can I ask you a question about something?” and I told him he could. So he asked “How come Daddy says he doesn’t have any money because you take it all and he can’t pay for gas to come see us, but he had money to buy Miss Stankcy a ring? That doesn’t make any sense.” (Obviously my kids don’t call her that. That’s something fun I keep just for myself, I promise.) I asked him if his Dad had bought her a ring and he said “not a wedding ring but a, uh, what’s it called, enfrement ring” Again, despite wanting to say a lot of things all I said was “I don’t know, but that’s a good question, buddy.”

This made Jedi chime in again, that Daddy and Stankcy were going to get married and that she would be his step mom and that her kids would be his stepbrother and sisters.As you can imagine, it’s a little hard to take. I’m human, and it’s not so easy to accept. It’s been hard enough to bite my tongue and encourage their respect of her in their father’s life since she was his chick on the side in our marriage, which they don’t know or understand. I don’t dislike her just because he’s with her, it’s because of the things he has told me about her. (snort) Guess I should consider the source, though. For all I know she’s normal.But, that’s neither here nor there.

What concerns me where my children are concerned as that  it doesn’t make sense. It only further raises my concerns about his mental health, because the things he has shared with me (about her, about their relationship and how she is as a mother) were not good. It’s also concerning because I know that their relationship only works when he is at odds with me, which leaves little to no hope of there EVER being any healthy communication between us where our children our concerned, because she will never allow it.

Then today, Pickle had a doctor’s appointment with his neurologist. I told EX about a week ago. He calls me to tell me he’s not getting the kids tonight (again, because he can’t afford gas) and when I ask him if he has anything he wants me to ask/tell the doctor, he gets all pissy with me and tells me he doesn’t want any changes made to the medications without his permission. I wasn’t planning on making any but IM NOT A DOCTOR. I ask him what he’s talking about and he starts saying he didn’t know about the appointment, which I told him about a week ago, then started talking about an appointment I have for Jedi tomorrow with our family doctor to review the school psychologists tests for ADHD, starts telling me Jedi needs behavior modifications at home, that I need to make changes, not put him on a pill when I’m giving them biased information.

Ok…first of all…. I’m not one who has EVER jumped right on the medication bandwagon. This process with Jedi has been long and drawn out. I don’t want him diagnosed with something he doesn’t have or on any medication he doesn’t need, but after this much research and time, all of which he didn’t partcipate in even when given ample notification, I WILL be doing what a doctor recommends.
Second, where the hell has he been? He has all these doctors phone numbers and knows where their offices are located. Seriously he’s probably been to each of the kids doctor once. Who the hell does he think he is? Third… I need to make changes, behavior modifications? WTF is that? This from a man, who thinks it’s not ill-affecting to his children to not show up after he tells him he will, to not do shit with them when he has visitations and to bad-mouth their mother in front of them? And he wonders why they don’t respect him or listen to him – Puh-lease. And most of the things he has problems with the kids about, I don’t. When I tell him this he thinks I’m saying he’s a bad father. This is of course an excuse to blame me, instead of making any changes. Again, everything is about him.
Lastly, this is the same man who told Pickle’s neurologists he wanted him to be taken off all of his medications. HE HAS EPILEPSY. There are ample EEGs, you know scientific test stuff, to prove this and he thinks again, that he doesn’t need medicine, just behavioral modifications.

I’ve been asking myself a lot lately what’s happened to him. How can he be so selfish? How can he be so cold? How can he not see how horribly he’s hurting his children? And after everything I did for him, I have to wonder – how can he be this way to me? And then something happened today that made me realize that he’s probably always been that way and that the truth is that he’s just an opportunist, looking for the next best thing for him and stepping on whoever and whatever he has to, to get there. Looking back I see it so clearly now.

When I met him, he saw me as a step up, someone who  loved kids and would take on Pickle and relieve him of his duties and improve his life. The more he suffered consequences for his actions from his ex, the more I ran in circles on glass trying to find ways to fix it, and the better I got at it, the better he looked. He looked like the loving, concerned father, because I was always whispering in his ear that things were wrong and that his son needed him. If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t even know where his son is right now. Just like his step-son in his first marriage. Oh, yeh – he raised him since he was a baby, but when they split and his ex said he couldn’t see him, everyone pitied him. He was the poor, nice guy who had been taken advantage of. But he didn’t even fight. Why? I used to think it was because she was such a bitch, but now thinking about me and Pickle…even if I hadn’t adopted him, there’d be no way in hell he could keep me away from him. I was thinking about how he used to keep visitations with Pickle and wondering why he doesn’t do it now and then I realized that I was usually driving my car, with my gas… and how good it made him looked. The benefits outweighed the nuisance of having his son there.  And let’s not forget built in babysitting and how many times I was with Pickle while he was out getting wasted. And I made the excuses for him. He’d been through so much, his ex was so horrible. I helped him move on to better jobs, better money, bigger house, bigger yard – all the things he wanted.

And now look – here we are again. Now Stankcy is cooing and coddling him because I’m so horrible and I’ve put him through so much. And she pities him and takes on the financial burden to keep a roof over his head because he has to pay me so much in child support, brushing aside the fact that what really eats up his money is his huge car payment and credit card debt because he is an irresponsible spender who is never satisfied. Again, he’s moved on to a bigger house, bigger yard, and now the complete package, he’ll finally get the wife who’s a nurse so that they can live off her money and he can start his own contracting business, work his own hours, not answer to anybody and use that money for spending, vacations, etc, etc…

And his whole family… It’s a little disheartening to know they were all hanging out with his family this weekend. Thinking about how his Mom used to thank me all the time for everything I did for her son and Pickle, what a good mother I was. How soon we forget and lose loyalty. And I don’t mean loyalty to me, I mean standing up for the kids. These people just drop off the face of the Earth, but care just enough to talk shit about you. Just bring in the next one, bad mouth the last. Rinse hands and repeat. Never mind that he was horribly abusive and is on the verge of abandoning his children. I’m sure that will be my fault too.It’s amazing how people can make entire lives out of nothing more than excuses and lies.

Quote of the day: “When someone shows you who they are – believe them”

More bullshit

I talked to Pickle’s counselor yesterday. She said my EX had called last week while she was on vacation. (I don’t think he’s ever called before) She said she had called him back today and just went over what she’s working on, what groups he’s in and she agreed to start calling him after his sessions to let him know how things went. On one hand, I’m glad he called – I want to be positive and think that he may actually be starting to take interest. But, on the other hand, I’m thinking that there is some ulterior motive. Pickle’s been seeing Michelle for well over a year. I mean, why call now? After thinking about this, I remembered the letter I had sent him about two weeks ago about some concerns I had. One of those concerns was the inappropriate video games the kids had been playing there.  He had called me and told me I was full of shit and that they hadn’t played it there. Then he asked when I became the person who got to decide what was appropriate for them and I had told him that I had actually shown it to Pickle’s counselor to see if I was being too…controlling or something and that she thought it was extremely inappropriate for him. Which only made me feel WORSE about the whole thing.

I asked her if he brought this up. She said he did bring up his concerns over Pickle playing Halo here.

First of all, all of this is stupid. (eyeroll) I actually consulted El Chupa before I let him play it because of this exact thing and he said it was fine.  I try to be considerate and I’m fairly good about the stuff I let the kids see/do and I know he knows that which makes it suck even more that he’s being so petty. To give you an idea of what I’m talking about….go check out Halo  (which has a violence filter and he’s not ever allowed to play it by himself or play in the online rooms which I imagine is the real reason for the mature rating) and then check out these games that not only Pickle played, but Jedi and Diva watched.

Jedi and Diva know the whole dialogue to this video, so just imagine how many times they’ve watched it. Sure, it’s humorous, in a very dark way, but for a 6 and 4 year old to watch?

I’m frustrated and I’m stressed. The process server called me yesterday and told me he was going to serve him. I’ve been stressed about this happening since I was told it would be done Friday and I’ve had the same migraine since then too. So, I ended up in the ER with the worst migraine I’ve had in a long time last night. I got my magic IV potion and ta-da! all better, but still really shitty to have a migraine for 5 damn days.

Things don’t need to be like this. That’s the most frustrating part.

In other news…. my Mom’s Dad has been diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer. It’s a complicated situation as nobody in our family is really close with him. This is why one should always tend to their family, cause family, in the end, is all that will tend to you. My emotions are to volatile and complicated to further divulge but still, I’m sympathetic to my mother and his situation. My prayers are all I can offer I suppose. Just a very weird situation.

Also – my phone rang at 11:30 Tuesday night, a number on the caller ID I didn’t recognize, a voice I didn’t recognize either, a  blast from the past …. Matilda. Ah, just what I need. I have too big a heart to have hung up on her. I was close to her daughter, from the time she was a year old (she’s 11 now), her and Pickle grew up together, I got her through a rough pregnancy with her son when her then husband was enlisted. There’s a lot of history there. So, I mostly listened…to her apology, to her explanations, to the stories of the last year or so of her life, but I didn’t do much else than listen. I find it peculiar that she would call now. I question her intentions. I must admit, she is entertaining. But she is chaos and drama. Something I don’t have room in my life for right now. (sigh) I’m just leaving it at that right now.


So there’s been a lot that I haven’t written about lately.

Like, the El Chupa not seeing the kids for two weeks, that when he did he used the time to bad mouth me and tell the kids I am a liar and that I’m keeping them away from him, that I take all his money to explain why he wouldn’t stop and get them an ice cream cone on the way home, what little money he does have goes to buy gas to come get them…. (which is interesting considering that’s been once every two weeks at this point, and that he drives a company vehicle, and has that gas provided for him 5 days a week while he works). Then, as an added bonus, he’s been starting in on Pickle about coming to live with him. Just Pickle.


Last Friday when he was supposed to get them he called and said he would just get Pickle and Diva, because he didn’t want to have to bring Jedi all the way back out here Saturday for his baseball game, and then he doesn’t show. He calls and says that he doesn’t have a witness to come with him to get the kids…however his girlfirend was there earlier running her mouth in the background and egging him on… so he asks if he can come get them all after Jedi’s game for a couple hours to go to his sister’s graduation party (to look good for his family no doubt) and then bring them home. And I told him no… I said it’s been almost two weeks since you’ve seen them, how do you think it’s gonna make them feel that you’re coming to get them for a couple hours and they can’t spend the night like they always do. And he says, “I’m about ready to be fuckin done with all of you, just so I don’t have to deal with this shit.”

EXCUSE ME?!? I start crying and obviousely get upset asking him if he really just said that? His solution…to hang up on me and call back and record himself leaving a message saying that we must have a bad connection or something becuase when he just called someone picked up and hung up. This is his way of covering his ass somehow. It’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid.

Monday when he talked to them, I listened in as the therapist recommended, his conversation with Pickle went something like, I love you and miss you soooo much, won’t it be cool when we can see each other everyday while his conversations with Jedi and Diva were just hi, how are you doing, ok bye.

Then last night 20 mins before he’s supposed to get the kids, he calls and leaves a message that he would like to speak to the children. Not even a minute later I have Diva call him back and she said he didn’t answer the phone. wtf? Then he calls back around 7:30 and I had Pickle pick it up. HIs end of the conversation was “I love you too, I miss you too….I love you too, I miss you too” and then he said ok, bye and hung up the phone and when I pointed out he was supposed to give the phone to Jedi and Diva, he replied “Daddy was the one who hung up“. wtf is he doing now?

Really, I’m sure in his head, in some scheme he’s got cooked up, this makes sense and it’s supposed to make Pickle want to live there or me just… give him up? I don’t know. I just can’t figure how this guy can really make people believe I’m keeping the kids from him. All he has to do is drive out here and pick them up, but in order to get away from that fact he’s started saying he has to have a witness because of the CPO, even though the CPO provides he can pick up and drop off the kids here. It also says he can go to their extra-cirricular activities, but he doesn’t do that either. How can people really buy into this horseshit? I mean seriously… if you’re a parent or you know a good parent, then you know…NOTHING could keep them away from their child. Hell, even if he had a restraining order against me and I had to do all the driving to see my kids, you better believe I’d be at any given opportunity to interact with them.


And today should be oodles of fun. My attorney just called and told me that the process server will be going out to serve him with court papers today and that he’d call me beforehand so I had some notice, because he, and I, believe it’s going to set him off.

(deep breath – talking to self: you’re doing the right thing. just hang on.)

You are now entering the Twilight Zone

I’m just having a really bad week. I was laid off from my job. I’ve had to file a post-decree motion to try and get full custody before the ink is even dry on the divorce shared parenting because he just isn’t ever gonna do his part.

Tonight was crazy. Jer caught the El Chupa Douchebag driving by the house for no reason, multiple times. His mentality lately is scary.

He’s been claiming that I’m interfering with his relationship with the kids, yet.. he’s cancelled his visitations and hasn’t seen them since last Tuesday (May 1st) He gets pissed because I’ve intercepted some of his phone calls to the kids (only after he’s gotten on the phone with them and talked trash about me and continued to do so after THEY asked him to stop).And if I don’t answer the phone, oh dear Lord. Yes this is actually his story….he’s complaining about getting to talk to them, while all the while HE’s canceling his visitation. Which of course is my fault too – because I won’t take them out there to him, blah, blah, blah, blah. Didn’t he know where his kids lived when he choose to move out there?

He’s threatened to drag me to court if I don’t drop the restraining order , he says that’s interfering with his relationship with the kids too, yet the restraining order provides for his visitations and for him to attend their extra-curricular and school events and he doesn’t do it. Excuse me if I can’t find any sympathy. He put his hands around my throat. I already reduced teh charges so he wouldn’t lose his job, so he wouldn’t kill me.

Then he’s threatened to call children services and the cops on me, because I’ve left him “with no choice”, since I won’t let him talk to the kids – this after I have the kids call him and he did what – start yelling at them about me. Yeh, that makes a lot of sense. This was even after THE KIDS and myself told him that we weren’t home when he called Tuesday and Wednesday, of course disregarding that he could have SEEN the kids.Good luck with that, buddy.

He tells me I’m not working in my kids best interest because I won’t bring them out, yet he waits til 5 minutes before he’s supposed to be here, when they’re ready and waiting for me to call me and tell me he’s not coming? Give me a freakin break. Why would I drive all the way out there for that?

Oh and tonight was the kicker – when he called to tell the kids good-night I asked him to explain why he drove past the house and he denied it. He kept acting all hurt, like a victim, saying he just wanted to talk to his kids. He was acting like a different person. Key word: ACTING and I soon found out why. When I told him again that I wasn’t going to put the kids on the phone after the way he acted this morning when I had them call him and told him good-bye, I didn’t hang up and when he thought he hung up, he actually didn’t. Guess what I heard? HIS MOM on the line. She said “Hello? what did she not answer again.” and he said oh you didn’t hear any of that and she said no and he said she tried to say i drove by the house and she called the cops and she wasn’t going to let me talk to them. At this point, I interjected… I’m still here and I guess I now know where you stand” to his Mom and I said actually what I said was I wasn’t going to put them on the phone because when I had them call YOU earlier you yelled at them and kept bad-mouthing me, even when THEY asked you to stop. He said I didn’t do that. And I said, We both know you’re lying and putting on an act, and now I know you’re doing it because your Mom was on the phone.

Seriously for someone who claims they are so scared of a CPO why would he drive by?


P.S. Is it just me or are these games inapprpriate for children?


Games at ArcadePod.com Ray

Live a day in the life of Ray, your local street thug and hitman. You call the s…



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Games at ArcadePod.com Ray II

Stay alive. In this role play game, you are Ray and the decisions you make will …



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More bullshit

El Chuba called at 5:25 to tell me that he wasn’t coming to get the kids. I said, “5 minutes before you’re supposed to be here and when the kids are ready to go and expecting you?” I tell him that our parenting plan says scheduling changes should be made 24 hours in advanced and I sorta resent that he’s going to make me be what I have never been, a bitch. He says that he was waiting on some money to show up and that it didn’t and since I wouldn’t work in the best interests of our children and help with transportation that he couldn’t afford to come get them and bring them back tonight, again Thursday, again Friday, bring Jedi out to his game and then to his sister’s graduation party Saturday (he will be attending that, of course), and then again Sunday so he wouldn’t be getting them on Thursday either and he would get them on Friday night.

I don’t remember exactly how the conversation evolved, but somehow he said that the CPO was interfering with the kids best interests and him being able to spend time with them and that I needed to drop it or he would just see me in court. I told him that all he was doing was bullying me to get his way and that him doing that over and over again makes me more inclined to have it modified or extended. I tell him that the things he says and does lately, really scares me. Again he tells me that I need to drop the CPO because it’s not in our kids best interest or that things will just get worse. I ask him how he can really think he is working in our kids best interest after when I called him around 3:30 to talk to him about Pickle getting in trouble at school, he hung up on me and then didn’t return my call and that he still hadn’t asked me about it. He asks me what happened with at school and I tell him that he has the right to call the school and that I think he should just do that and find out for himself, because he doesn’t listen to me when I talk to him about the kids, he always makes it about us somehow and points a finger at me. He says,”Well, he is living with you and he sure seems to be having a lot of problems with school since he’s been with you.” I point out that he did it again. Instead of sticking to the issue at hand, he used it as an opportunity to paint me in bad light. I told him that I wasn’t going to do this with him.

Had to make arrangements with my Dad to watch the kids as I had already paid for tickets to a Cavs game for tonight. They were out for ice cream with my Dad when ElChuba called to tell them good-night.I’m sure he be so put out because the kids weren’t available to talk, when he could have had a visitation. (eyeroll)