Silence/BROKEN

I’m finally ready to talk about it.

Maybe it’s not so much of a want to talk about it, but maybe I feel like I need to.

The last few months have been an emotional roller-coaster of epic proportion.

Pickle is no longer living here. It brings tears to my eyes just typing it. Living it is something quite different. I’ve been told for quite some time that he would one day need to be some sort of assisted living scenario, I just didn’t think it would come so soon.

A couple months ago, I was FINALLY able to get him into treatment with a therapist who I actually saw him make leaps and bounds with. It was a good thing, it still is, but in the midst of that counseling a lot of things started to surface. I found out that there had been a lot more things going on between my children in the EX’s care than I could have ever imagined. Although these are not the sorts of things a mothers mind wants to imagine or even comprehend, I incidentally also caught him being sexually inappropriate and opportunistic.

Pickle was horrifically sexually abused as a toddler while residing with his biological mother, so this is a demon I am aware he struggles with. Hence, why I am constantly stressed and half-sleeping, listening, watching…..etc. Once you mentally become aware of such things, they don’t ever go away. I always knew this was possible, I just hoped it wouldn’t. With him entering puberty and the things he began revealing in counseling I developed a safety plan in which Jedi stayed the night at my parents house (they live three blocks away) and complete the rest of daily routine in typical fashion. He’d go to school, ride the bus home with his sister, do his homework, have dinner and at bedtime he’d go to my parents to sleep. He spent his weekend here, except for bedtime. It wasn’t easy.  The hardest thing I ever had to do. It hurt like hell.

There were times when I felt I was betraying one for the other. It was hard to wrap my head around how I ended up in a position where my biological son would be sent away for his protection, while my adoptive son would remain with little inconvenience in his life. None of the counselors involved thought this was good, but agreed there was nothing else to do. As it turned out, with my younger son out of the house, older son started becoming opportunistic and, again, unimaginable, started to target my daughter. Typing it now, I still don’t know I came out the other end and somehow kept all these relationships in tack.

After having about a dozen people tell me over and over and over again that I had done everything that I could and that it was in his best interest to get him into intensive, inpatient treatment….I finally got it through my thick skull that it wasn’t giving up….it was actually the best hope there was not just for him but my other two children. The worst part of all of this, or the hardest thing for me to overcome mentally was that Children Services had to take custody in order for the treatment to be covered. They call this dependency. It’s when a child requires care beyond the ability of any guardian to provide. The costs of this treatment are astronomical. $500 PER DAY. Even with private funding from groups organized for this purpose, we were still looking at $200-$300 PER DAY, which only very wealthy people could afford. Beyond that, as I’ve been told, our home environment, with two younger children, is too stimulating for him at this time. So, I’ve got to learn more than I ever wanted to know about the Juvenile Court system as well because he had to be adjudicated and a bunch of other legal mumbo jumbo that is pointless to get into.  I just keep telling myself that it could’ve been much worse. He could have done worse, outside of the home, been charged and that would have put him in sex offender program that likely would have caused him to be re-victimized because of his cognition issues/low I.Q. So he is safe and the other two children are too.

It’s just incredibly hard not having him here. Even though he required twenty-four hour supervision and our lives completely revolved around him, I wish there was something more I could’ve done. I wish I could heal his memories…his soul. I can’t even count the number of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep over all of this.

Whats made it even more emotional has been the final bow of the EX in the children’s life. I guess being under the microscope with everything that was going on with the kids was more than he could handle. A couple days after he was told that he would be required to go through dependency (drug/alochol) counseling and testing to remain involved through the pendency of Children Services involvement he decided that he wanted my husband to adopt the kids. If there was ever any hope in me for him to turn out to be a decent father figure to our children, much less just a decent human being….it is gone. I could have never imagined that he would sign away his kids, like possessions, in exchange for being let off the child support hook. It was his ONLY concern in the processing of the required legal paperwork. To say I am disgusted … is putting it mildly.

None of this is what I want for my children.

The only peace I have is holding onto the hope that all of this will allow all of the kids to be restored in ways that lead them to have healthy, happy, beautiful, full adult lives someday.

And every pain and sacrifice to that end, is worth it.

So much to say, so little time

Well a lot has happened in the last two weeks…

Children Services has been out to interview my kids. They also went over and interviewed PlayDoh. The stories were consistent, the details of the games, the porno, the acts and there was even more. Jedi revealed a lot more when he talked to the lady from Children Services. So much more. Pickle admitted to things he most certainly shouldn’t have done. Jedi’s story is consistent with Pickle’s that PlayDoh started it. Aside from that, Pickle is cognitively disabled and very sheltered, a lot of the “acts” that were acted out, were things he’d have NO IDEA about.

Yes, I know his history makes him more statistically probable but, in 9 years that I’ve been with him, there was nothing. But we are going through a divorce, which is a potential trigger considering ElChuba and the Eggdonor were going through a divorce when he was victimized.

This is just beyond fucked up. Especially since I specifically made the point about this being a potential trigger for Pickle so fucking clear!

(deep breath)

Let me be very clear about something …  I’m not trying to persecute this other little boy. I want someone to pay attention to him. Something has happened to him. Little kids just don’t wake up one day with these ideas. They came from somewhere and the most unfortunate part of all of this is … the social worker told me, ElChuba and Stanksy were more frustrated at the annoyance and hassle of the situation, then they are concerned for any of the kids. Her words, not mine.

Visitations have been nixed for the short run. He can only have supervised visitations once a week with a social worker present and he must pay for them, which means – he’s probably not going to see them. They haven’t seen or talked to him in two weeks, and the weirdest thing about it is, they’ve been just fine with that. Not only have they not asked for him … they haven’t said a word about him. That to me, speaks VOLUMES about the level of his involvement in their lives.

They all are in counseling now, and I’ve made an appointment for a forensic interview for them at Children’s Hospital at the end of the month. I just cannot even go there in my head right now.

I hear everyone telling me that I’m doing, everything I can, but it doesn’t seem like enough. These are MY CHILDREN, something horrific happened to them. How am I not to blame? I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I told my attorney. I told Jer, I told my Mom and I know there was nothing I could do… I know that. I couldn’t have stopped visitations or I’d have been found in contempt. I tried talking to ElChuba and he ignored me. But GOD DAMNIT – why couldn’t I stop this? Why didn’t the years of me talking to Pickle, and years of counseling do anything to protect him from this happening again? From it happening to another child?

To say the least, the days after the interview have been hard. Hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to leave my children. Unexpected panic attacks, fits of rage, waves of sadness. It’s been overwhelming. I had to go to my doctor and get something for my nerves. I was given a couple days worth of Xanex and then switched over to something way less addictive. Addiction seems to run in my family so, I am very leery of drugs. They want to put me on a anti-depressant, but I just can’t. I’ve tried everything on the market over the years and it seems to work for awhile and then it just fades off. Aside from that, my problem isn’t so much depression as it is that my mind won’t stop racing. That my friends, is anxiety. So, now I have to see a psychiatrist. Not a therapist, a psychiatrist. I’m thrilled – really.

I resigned from my job. I had to miss a couple days of work in June because of going to court and because of things needed since this happened. Then I have three additional days this month, that I would need off to go to court and to take the kids to the appointments Children Services feels they need to have, not to mention the counseling appointments. When I went and asked for the additional days, he told me that while he understood my situation, he couldn’t give me the time off and I should probably resign. What choice did I have?

Because of this – we withdrew our application to adopt Puggles. Any extra money we thought we had will now go to paying bills and my attorney for all the extra work he’s had to do. This also means there won’t be extra money for traveling this summer, which is a bummer. I was really, REALLY looking forward to taking the kids to places without having that sick to my stomach worry of how ElChuba might drink or embarrass us. God knows I want nothing more than to get the hell out of here now. I’m hoping family might make it up here. God knows I need them. My parents, God bless them, are just awesomely supportive and helpful. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

I cannot give enough credit to Jer. I can’t tell you how many nights he’s literally rocked me to sleep while I sobbed and then he turned around and got up at 5 am to go to work. He didn’t bat an eye when I told him I resigned, he told me we’d get by. He told me there was probably a reason for it and that what I was doing for the kids was more important than anything I’d do at work, or any paycheck that would provide anything else.

Aside from what he does for me, he’s been great with the kids. He helps me put them to bed at night and tells them their safe and we’re both here and he’s not going to let anything happen to them. When Jedi has been waking up in the middle of the night, Jer gets up with me and helps me get him back to bed, talking him down, showing him everything is ok. We’ve been doing a lot of stuff as a family, picnics at the park, water gun fights, watching movies together … and it makes a world of difference.

I know this is an all kinds of fucked up, far from fairy tale world I’ve gots going here, but Jer is definitely my knight in shining armor. He’s surely saved me … and my kids.

So, I’m hanging on.

We all are.         ~          Together.

It just keeps getting better…and by better, I mean worse

The Pickle had counseling this afternoon. When his counselor talked to him about what happened last week with his brother and sister at ElChuba’s house (whole other story) something had come up about PlayDoh (obviously not his real name, but, Stankcy’s son) exposing himself.. Pickle not only told her about that, but also told her that PlayDoh asked him to “touch his privates“. She called me on my cell phone on my way home from work and relayed this information to me and told me she was going to call ElChuba and that she was going to call Child Protective Services. She advised me to do the same.   

When I got home, still in a state of shock, I talked to Jer. He decided we should sit down with the kids and talk to them about good secrets and bad secrets and good touching and bad touching while being very careful not to lead. I explained to them again that anything under their bathing suit is only for them, mommy or daddy or a doctor to see. I talked about how to keep themselves safe and how to go to a grown up. Sure as shit, Pickle starts talking. He said PlayDoh showed him his privates “like every time I see him.” Then Jedi  added on that PlayDoh always wants to play the girlfriend game. When I asked what the girlfriend game was, Pickle said “you know, like what boys do with girlfriends.” I asked him what he meant. Jedi said that Play told him to get on top of him, like a girlfriend. I asked them if Diva had ever played the girlfriend game. They both said no. I asked where she was when this happened and they said “In Em’s room, doing girl stuff like they always do.” I asked where  ElChuba was and Pickle said he and Stankcy were in the bedroom with the door locked.  I asked them to explain what happened again and it was explained exactly the same way. I asked him if he’d ever told ElChuba and he said “just the time on the phone, and he told me not to blame other people”. I asked why they hadn’t told me and Pickle said he was scared I would be mad at Daddy. I told him I wasn’t mad at Daddy, or them or even PlayDoh. I just wanted everyone to be safe and that it makes me sad to think they’re not safe. Pickle said he was sorry that had happened and that I was sad. I told him it wasn’t his fault and that we would figure out a plan to keep them safe. Then he said “I have one more secret I didn’t say”. Jedi said, “Yeh and he made us watch a naked movie”. I asked Pickle if he knew what he was talking about and he said, “A movie on TV, a girl was naked and you could see her boobs and belly and her you know, down there and she was dancing and the TV was fuzzy, like it wasn’t working“. Jer told him he knew what he was talking about. Pickle went on to say that PlayDoh kept turning it on and laughing and telling him to look. I asked him again where was Daddy? And he said, “I don’t know he’s always doing something with Stankcy.

Then Pickle said what I didn’t want to hear most of all, that all this stuff made him think about Robin (his half brother who sexually assaulted him when he was a toddler) and that made him sad. I gave him a hug and told him I would figure out what to do, not to worry  and that I wanted him, Jedi, Diva, and any other kids to be safe. I told them both that I loved them. I told them that I didn’t want them to keep secrets and that they could always come to me and talk to me about anything and their Dad too. I asked why he didn’t just tell his Dad and he threw his hands in the air and said, “cause he’s always yelling at me

I called Child Protective Services and relayed all this information to them. I asked if there was anything else I could do. They told me I needed to contact my attorney ASAP in order to have something done regarding visitations, because they couldn’t tell me to stop something in a court order and also said I could file a police report, but I would have to do it in the city ElChuba lived in, where this occurred. So, I called the police department and talked to Officer M.  After I explained all this to him, he was concerned. He decided to give both county Child Protective Services a call himself and didn’t really get any where. He called me back and told me he had even called my City Police to make them aware of the situation, because of concerns re: visitation.  Where that was concerned, he told me I shouldn’t let them go. He was pretty assertive about this and told me, I could tell my attorney and the judge, he said they shouldn’t go. He said in order to have an official report, he wanted me to come down to the station tomorrow during the day when a detective was available.

I did call ElChuba and tell him about all this. He just sat there. Seriously, I don’t know what’s worse; that this is happening, or that their father could give a shit that it’s happening. But, he told me he would talk to Stankcy and PlayDoh. He called me back about an hour later and was a completely different person. He had this self-righteous tone. He told me PlayDoh had a different story. He asked why an 11 year old wouldn’t come tell his father, if he didn’t do anything wrong. He told me that I needed to look at the whole picture and realize they were only saying this because they had gotten in trouble last week and were trying to blame someone else. This whole elaborate, very detailed story??? But it gets better, then he tried to say that he was more concerned about what was going on in my house, because it seems these problems didn’t start until Jer moved in. He actually asked if Jer has exposed himself to the kids or if they have seen us having sex. what. The. FUCK!?!

He said “two can play at this game” and told me he would be calling Child Protective Services with his concerns about what was going on here in order to keep his kids safe.

JESUS CHRIST!!!! THIS ISNT A FUCKING GAME

Now, on top of worrying about what has happened to the kids, I absolutely know he has no interest in protecting THEM and I have to go explain to Jer that my El Chupa is throwing around questions about him exposing himself to the kids.

wow

That’s pretty much going down as my word of the week and it’s only Wednesday morning.

You ever have one of those weeks where everything you encounter leaves you feeling a little off? Not wow like WOW! but wow I can’t believe that just happened or that someone just said something. I’m having one of those weeks.

Aside from being sick and feeling like shit, it started Sunday with a recurring event that has been going on with Pickle for the past week or so, and it always comes and goes through the years. Fecal play. They tell me, that this is fairly common for children who have been sexually abused, but that condolence never quite takes the edge off of it. Or the smell. It’s really hard to deal with and of course any explanation always leave me bewildered. Husband and I sat up with him til close to 1am this morning, trying to get to the bottom of the situation. Another walking on glass situation because you don’t want to make him feel like he’s being interrogated, but you also are in the position of kinda forcing him to talk about “it” without leading him to say things. Then I always start beating myself up because while it’s hard for me to deal with from my end and I know that it’s not as bad as what he’s been through by any means. I feel guilty for feeling anything at all. It’s just hard. It strains the relationship. I don’t know what to do about that.

Then there are other relationships that are apparently strained without my knowing. I don’t know what to do or what to say and frankly I’m just getting tired of the drama and worrying about it at all. I know that I’m a good friend and person and I’ve NEVER done anything for that to be in question. You know what it is? Other people’s insecurities. I find that other people react more to what they do than what is actually being done to them. Meaning, they assume you are this way, because they are that way. Or something like that. It just throws me for a loop.

Then there is the newest thing that has left me wowed. I’m up at 6:30 this morning getting things ready for Crazie to bring her kids back over and she never shows. Having talked to her yesterday and told her that I was feeling much better and that I would see her tomorrow, I get worried wondering what has happened to her and the kids. I’m calling and calling and calling when finally, I get an e-mail of all things.

Listen up people! E-mailing is not the proper way to handle a problem. In fact, it’s borderline offensive to handle your problems that way if you are in the habit of ALWAYS calling someone. AND, if you aren’t mad about anything, you shouldn’t suddenly accuse someone of something that has nothing to do with it. This would lead the receiver of the e-mail to believe you are full of shit and that there OBVIOUSLY is a problem. From what I could gather and it was pretty hard to dig through the bullshit, I’m being punished for being sick Monday and she’s playing some game to prove a point. I’ve checked out. Don’t have time. Wake me when it’s over.

And you know what else? I just wish people could make up their minds whether they are confident or passive-aggressive? I mean can you really be both?

I’m off to find something to eat that will comfort me, which is a whole other subject for a different day.

 

Quote of the day: Never explain. You’re friends don’t need it and you’re enemies will never believe you anyway.

He loves me

Yesterday was nice.

Husband called in sick, got up with the kids and got them all dressed and fed while I slept in. Then he brought me breakfast in bed, did the dishes, picked up the house, went shopping with me at the mall, made dinner and then made my favorite cookies for dessert.

In return, I took him to Old Navy and told him to get himself some new clothes. I think he rather enjoyed himself. The man has NEVER gone shopping for clothes like that before.  I may have created a monster.

While we were laying in bed last night, I thanked him for everything he had done and asked him what I did to deserve all of that. He kissed me on the head and said,

Everything. You always do everything and I love you so much, Steph and I just don’t ever want you to doubt it.

AWwwwwww.

But now it’s back to the grind. Laundry, dishes and Mommy stuff.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

 

~ Stephanie 

 

P.S.I have a Question of the Day: Have you ever had an orgasm while dreaming about sex?