Change Ahead

I have not been writing much of my own content lately because I have been preoccupied with things going on here and preparing for a potentially BIG change within our lives.  We have arrived at a point with Pickle in which he is pushing up against a ceiling right now in placement. When this has happened in the past, he has regressed. The last thing I want is to see all the hard work and efforts everyone has put in go away, but the question has now become what is in his best interest and where do we go from here.  I also know that every time we have presented Pickle with an obtainable goal, he has shown us that he is able to do it and I would really like to see what he can do.

On our end, the circumstances that led us to seek Children Service’s involvement are no longer present. Pickle is not the same person he was coming into the situation or even three months ago and neither are his siblings or Jer and I.
I know that what Pickle needs is more real world experience that he is not going to be able to obtain within any paid placement with staff being paid to oversee his every move. I think he needs guidance from his parents and the mentoring available through his peers and siblings to learn to navigate the world as he would like to know it. So, we have decided to try and bring him home and attend the high school for his last nine weeks of his senior year.
This is not something that Jer and I are doing on a whim. We’ve re-evaluated this situation at every turn and right now, we see that he has maxed out what he can do in the system and that home is the best option. We have already agreed to a voluntary six month plan with Children Services because we know it is in Pickle’s best interest to ensure continuity of care and have the proper supports in place.  We are also realistic and know we will still need services for job training and placement, education planning, behavioral counseling and waivers/vouchers for things like summer preoccupation/camp and possibly respite to ensure that nothing/no one becomes stagnant.
I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know how long home will be the best option, but I know right now it is and may continue to be throughout his attendance at college. But I am not envisioning home to be a permanent placement. Only because I am mother who wants for my child what any other mother wants, to see her child reach his fullest potential and him living at home for the rest of his life is not Pickle’s fullest potential. I also think that allowing him to come home will give us the opportunity to see if Pickle may be able to go beyond a group home setting and with supports in place he may be able to achieve what he ultimately wants, which is to reside on his own.
The MR/DD board is concerned that we are setting him, and potentially our family, up for failure. I could not say why they’ve developed this stance and I really don’t want to get too caught up on that statement or those feelings. I just know what I know. And I know that I’m not asking DD to do anything that they wouldn’t normally do for a client. I’m only asking that they begin the process now instead of waiting for him to age out of the system at 21.
Everyone else is on board and has arrived at the same conclusion we have.
Hopefully, after the meeting with all the parties involved tomorrow we will have a better idea of the big picture.
I would ask that you join me in prayer for God’s will in this situation, not my own.

What’s going on

It’s been 6 months since I wrote anything here, which flat-out stuns me. There used to be a time when all I did was write here. It hasn’t really been that there isn’t anything for me to write about. i just had to make my peace with writing in a more censored way than I was used to. At some point in the near future, I imagine that won’t be the case anymore.

So what has gone on for the last 6 months of my life? LOTS!

Last post: I got engaged. Didn’t really see that one coming. I mean I did. We talked about it, we had even played around in a jewelry store a few times just pointing out things and talking about the future. Then the ring came. A lot of people have asked me how I could have moved on so quickly after everything I’ve been through and if I have any doubts, but the honest to God truth is that I don’t have a single doubt. I have doubts about marriage, love and life in general, but not about him and even those tend to fade into the background where he is concerned. What has happened, happened. There really isn’t a damn thing I would’ve done differently. I know that. I accept the past exactly as is and I’m just ready to move on with my life. The future looks bright.

There are still messes from the past that are being cleaned up. The whole explosion of events from last summer have led to a court calendar I didn’t want. The last hearing is scheduled for April 18th. What it boils down to at this point is that there have been a slew of professional and evaluators in our lives since then and they have ALL determined, in a short summary, that the El Chupa Douchebag is a douchebag who is more interested in being a victim than he is in being a father to his children.

He has been reduced to supervised visits, every other Sunday for two hours, if the kids decide to go. Recently they have developed more disdain in regards to this situation because the time that he does have with them, he has used to bad mouth me and defend himself with lies, which even in their immature mind, recognize are not true, only furthering all the frustration they feel. He calls about twice a week. The kids can usually tolerate about 2-5 minutes before they’ve had enough. It’s sad, but I guess for now that’s the way it’s got to be. At least I hope it’s only for now. I would like to blame it all on Stankcy. I don’t think she’s a nice person and I believe she is actually playing all the head games he once accused me of playing. Ironic, huh? I dunno. Believe me, I’ve pretty much beat my head to a pulp trying to find a solution that end results with him being an exemplary parent. My best friend, Beavis, says sometimes that solution is just good-bye.

Fortunately, there’s been a man in their life who has stepped up to the title of father without any head banging or prompting and this seems to be making a world of difference.

Despite all this, the kids are doing great.

School is going great. Looks like I’ll be graduating with my Bachelors in Legal Studies come next summer and my career in the legal spectrum has really taken off. I like my job. I could love it. I love some of the people I work with….others I could just do without. I can’t tell you what a difference it makes to get a bit of notice for all your hard work and to have people tell you how above and beyond they think you perform in your role, even if it’s never your boss.

If you had told me 3 years ago that this would be my life, I’d probably have punched you in the face, but surprise, surprise, I’m finally where I want to be in my life story, just with different scenery, plot and characters.

Class of 2015?!?

Today was Pickle’s grade school graduation. That made me feel old.

As if that wasn’t enough, the school gave all the kids these lovely t-shirts to wear that said CLASS OF 2015.  I can’t believe that! In 2015, he’ll be graduating from high school? That’s only 8 years away – which means the teenage years are right around the corner. How did that happen? That’s less time than has passed since he came into my life, and that has flown by. wow.

Actually, I don’t feel old, it’s just a strange thing to remember graduating grade school yourself and then to watch your own child do it. Very stange.

Anyways, CONGRATS!!!! I’m one very proud, Mom.


I am done with another semester of school.  (applause) Thank you. Thank you very much.

Even though my finals haven’t been graded yet, I’m pretty certain, I’m walking away from it with an A in my Social Problems class and a B+ in my Civil Litigation II class. Seriously – I don’t know how I do it sometimes.

Yes, people, I’m proud of myself.

Huh, what do you know…. I really am.



More bullshit

El Chuba called at 5:25 to tell me that he wasn’t coming to get the kids. I said, “5 minutes before you’re supposed to be here and when the kids are ready to go and expecting you?” I tell him that our parenting plan says scheduling changes should be made 24 hours in advanced and I sorta resent that he’s going to make me be what I have never been, a bitch. He says that he was waiting on some money to show up and that it didn’t and since I wouldn’t work in the best interests of our children and help with transportation that he couldn’t afford to come get them and bring them back tonight, again Thursday, again Friday, bring Jedi out to his game and then to his sister’s graduation party Saturday (he will be attending that, of course), and then again Sunday so he wouldn’t be getting them on Thursday either and he would get them on Friday night.

I don’t remember exactly how the conversation evolved, but somehow he said that the CPO was interfering with the kids best interests and him being able to spend time with them and that I needed to drop it or he would just see me in court. I told him that all he was doing was bullying me to get his way and that him doing that over and over again makes me more inclined to have it modified or extended. I tell him that the things he says and does lately, really scares me. Again he tells me that I need to drop the CPO because it’s not in our kids best interest or that things will just get worse. I ask him how he can really think he is working in our kids best interest after when I called him around 3:30 to talk to him about Pickle getting in trouble at school, he hung up on me and then didn’t return my call and that he still hadn’t asked me about it. He asks me what happened with at school and I tell him that he has the right to call the school and that I think he should just do that and find out for himself, because he doesn’t listen to me when I talk to him about the kids, he always makes it about us somehow and points a finger at me. He says,”Well, he is living with you and he sure seems to be having a lot of problems with school since he’s been with you.” I point out that he did it again. Instead of sticking to the issue at hand, he used it as an opportunity to paint me in bad light. I told him that I wasn’t going to do this with him.

Had to make arrangements with my Dad to watch the kids as I had already paid for tickets to a Cavs game for tonight. They were out for ice cream with my Dad when ElChuba called to tell them good-night.I’m sure he be so put out because the kids weren’t available to talk, when he could have had a visitation. (eyeroll)

The good, the bad and the ugly. 3/26/07


I am gonna be the proud new momma to a …

 2007 Chevy Equinox. Part of the divorce process. Removing names on cars. I’ll be very happy…until I have to make that first payment anyways.

The BAD:

Well, it’s not bad, but it’s making life a little crazy with work and school, the kids are on Spring Break this week and it’s supposed to rain all week starting tomorrow. So, hello spring, good-bye sanity. lol


I started having excruciating pain last night in my abdomen. Got so bad, I couldn’t sleep from 4:30 this morning on. I took myself into see the doctor and found out I not only have a urinary tract infection, but a bladder infection and I’m working on a kidney infection. It’s lovely, really.

That’s a WRAP!

This semester at school has wrapped. (sigh)

You have no idea how happy I am that it’s over.

I had to take Intermediate Algebra.

F*** Algebra.

I hate it. I cursed it everytime I sat down to do it. Seriously, at least three times while I was in seminar, doing homework and taking tests, each and everytime I sat down to do it, I would say out loud, “I hate Algebra.” Really, I do. Why? Because I have ABSOLUTELY no use for it. I will have NO USE for Algebra in my chosen profession. None, but yet I am not only required to take yet another dose of Algebra because once in high school wasn’t enough, I also have to pay to take it. I think that sucks. Why can’t I take some kind of math related class that I can actually apply professionally? Like, ok, I’m going to school for Legal Studies, why can’t I take a class in say…Tax Law Math? That would be relevant. That would make sense. But, NOOooooooo, we all have to take Algebra. Blah! Fooey on you higher education system! Didn’t help that my professor was a witch either. Grrrrr…. Oh well, it’s over, I passed…no more algebra ever. yay!

I’m just grateful I have the chance to finish my degree, so even dealing with some b.s…it’s worth it.

Braces yourselves …

I actually had an adult conversation with EX today.

It went pretty well. We were discussing moving up our hearing date with the divorce and got into talking about how difficult the whole thing has been. He was talking about being conflicted about everything going on, because there is a lot. Not only are we grieving the loss of whatever it is we had, but we are both trying to balance out new lives, new budgets, new roles, responsibilities and relationships. I started to tell him to be cautious with the new girl. I told him that I liked her and that she seemed nice, but I was worried he might start a pattern over. That it seemed similar to how our relationship started. Me being in a bad place and seeing someone else in a bad place that wanted to help. That I didn’t want him to take her for granted or vice versa. He said it wasn’t like that, that she had her own stuff going on and that I should understand because isn’t it different with Jer?

Well, yes it is, because #1- he’s not coming out of a marriage and #2- he doesn’t have kids. I’m not rescuing him. I’m not trying to help him in anyway.  My point was the similarity of EX coming out of his first marriage and getting immediately involved with me and him coming out of our marriage and getting immediately involved with her. It is similar in that way. Not that she is like me or anything like that, I don’t know her, I couldn’t say, but it is similar.

He told me that something had happened between them, that neither one of them was ready for, he said she didn’t think a guy like him existed and they fell in love. That was kinda hard to take to be honest. knowing somebody you tried to share your life with is moving on, is one thing, but to hear that it is, love … a little different. This is where your mind starts spinning … you start to ask questions and think about things that might not even be rational.

It occurred to me that his office Christmas party was tonight and that he would be going with her. Do you know that I actually bought myself a hot little number to wear to this thing tonight months ago? To look good for him? Do you know what it felt like to take it back? It was like that dress held so many more things and I just had nothing to do with it anymore. (sigh) I started thinking about how he probably wouldn’t even have this job if i hadn’t have encouraged him to go to that 2nd interview. What would’ve happened then?Iif he hadn’t have met certain people through that job and had their influences fueling the fire, would we be here now? Would he not have started staying out all hours of the night drinking with his boss and coworkers? If he hadn’t have had so much pressure put on him by his job, would he have drank so much? Would he have ignored his family the way he did? Or was it all inevitable? Honestly, he did those things before this job. Then I  wonder what kind of guy he is that she thought didn’t exist. Couldn’t have been the guy who was around towards the end of our marriage, cause those guys are a dime a dozen. I guess part of me wonders if it’s actually possible that he can be with her, what he could never be with me and why is that? Why couldn’t he be this stand up guy for his me? For our children? for our family? It doesn’t make sense. I mean, wouldn’t he have had more motivation be that guy to save his own family? Which leads me to wonder if it is just a smokescreen?

This is what led to me telling him that it concerned me that she could have read most everything on my blog and have just brushed it aside and got involved with him so quickly. I didn’t understand that. He said she had formed her own opinion about that. And I said, I know and that’s what concerns me. She has kids, she really should address it. He seemed to start getting annoyed and I just said “Look, I’m not trying to criticize either one of you. If you or even she were one of my friends, I’d say hey…this needs to be addressed seriously.” I’m trying to be a friend and maybe it’s hard for him to hear that right now, but I have to say it and that’s all I can do. He said they had talked about it. I told him that I hoped that he didn’t tell her I was full of shit and that she hadn’t just accepted it. That would be highly irresponsible on both ends. I don’t know what he said or what she said about it, but … the truth is, it concerns me. Mostly because when I got involved with him, he blamed everything on his ex, the reasons he drank, the reasons he was so horrible to her, was all because SHE made him miserable. It was a lie, but all i could see was what i wanted to see. i ignored the obvious, which is, like he is so fond of saying, “it takes two.” I just think If he doesn’t really deal with this, all of it, he will continue to self-destruct just because he never made amends or took responsibility enough to put the burden down so that he can REALLY move on. that’s the change i haven’t seen and that’s why i worry. You know if you can’t see that you did something wrong then you can’t change it, and if you don’t change it you’re bound to repeat it.

I told him that I wanted him to be happy and in a healthy relationship, but in order to do that, he was going to have to be honest with himself and her about what has gone down and how he’s feeling about this whole process. I told him that I was fortunate to be with someone who lets me grieve this loss, without making it about him, without feeling like he isn’t good enough, or feeling that maybe I want EX back and that I hoped he and she could do the same for each other, but it would be hard since she is going through her own divorce and he needs to be aware of her feelings in that regard as well. They both have kids to think about too. I don’t want him to get hurt, I don’t want her to get hurt and I sure as hell don’t want any of the kids to get hurt.

Yep, It’s official.

I’m a mother. I feel the need to protect and nurture everyone.

God help me.

In other news, got to have lunch with my girlfriend downtown today after having to go to court (for work). It’s really great to be able to do things again and be myself again. My girlfriend was even saying how I’m back to acting like myself and how much she’s missed seeing me smile, and hearing me laugh.  She talked about how much she liked Jer and how happy she was for me. That made me feel good. That someone else sees it and appreciates it as much as I do.

I’m happy for me too.

Things are going well. I’m almost done with another quarter at school. Looks like I’ll be graduating this summer. Work is going well. Things are picking upa nd moving forward. It’s very rewarding work that I feel good about doing. The kids are doing well. Despite the typical ornery behavior stuff here and there, they are much more settled and happy. That does my heart well.

And my love life, well…. it’s the icing on the cake. Jer is a great guy with an awesome heart.

I am such a lucky girl… I’m blessed. Truly, I am. And the funny thing is, all the crap that I’ve been through, that i thought would destroy me….has only made this all the more sweeter.

The BUT 9/28/06

I cannot tell you how freakin happy I am that this quarter has wrapped. It was a rough for me. I got my final grades back today and I got an A in both classes!!!!! New job is going REALLY well. Really, REALLY well. Not only do I enjoy the actual work I’m doing, but I get along well with the attorney. BUT….

the kids all have colds, which make them delightful to deal with…

and i….well, i could give TMI, but i’ll just say there is something very wrong in the place where you don’t want things to be wrong. it’s uncomfortable. it’s also made my mind spin since there have been some questions as to my husband‘s fidelity. i may be the most ignorant person on earth…. i know all men have the capacity to cheat … like i said, my head spins.  guess i’ll know for sure in the next couple days cause i have to go to the gyn today.