“If I know what love is, it is because of you.”
~ Herman Hesse
Repost. There is nothing more to say today.
I didn’t make any concrete resolutions for this year, but I had some pretty resolved ideas of things I wanted, no needed, to do this year.
For example: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. One of the things I resolved to do this year was not so much to lose weight but to transform my life – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually… This is a multi-faceted thing. I want to get my life back. I don’t mean that I’ve been unhappy – I have been more happy in the last 3 years, even in the midst of great suffering, than I can ever recall, but like a lot of mothers I’ve spent the last few years a little lost in my kids. I don’t regret that in anyway. They needed me. We needed each other. We went through a divorce and remarriage, reestablishing ourselves and we’ve finally gotten to this good place where we are ok with our lot in life and all that involves from that past or that might carry over from the past. Right now is a time when I actually have the ability to take more time for me and I need to.
Physically, one of the ways that I am attempting to keep this on track is that I’ve joined a medically based fitness center. With some of my health issues and because my physical therapy has been run out of the same building it made a lot of common sense to be able to have child care on site with a membership and continue my workouts as well. One great thing about this is that as a member they start you out with an assessment and an exercise prescription. They redo the prescription every couple months so you don’t get bored and the assessment is done every six months to check your progress and set new goals and keep you on track. I think that’s awesome. I’m actually kinda excited about July and finding out where I am. I am also happy to report that I made the Consistency Club last month and got the added bonus of losing 8lbs. And in another small, but HUGE feat for me, I have stopped biting my nails. I heard that it takes 21 days to pick up or break a habit so – I’ve broken a bad one and picked up a good one. Go me!
Spiritually, I’ve decided that I need to get back to church more. I’m not big on organized religion per se but I am not so dumb as to believe that I can completely neglect my spirit and feel honkey dorey. I’ve seen so many people who have it all and feel empty and go: “Why aren’t I happy?” Hey – it’s called your soul – you’re neglecting it! Now, I’m not saying that there are not other things that people can do that fuels their soul, it just so happens that for me, going to church – for the most part, helps me reconnect spiritually and shed the negative stuff. It gets me back to a true place of knowing that come what may – it will work as out as it should and I will find my way.
Emotionally and Mentally, the plan was to get back to blogging because lets face it in order to keep one’s sanity you have to keep your sanity and blogging is a heck of a lot cheaper than seeing a therapist. So – this is a start to keeping that promise to myself. I’m a little behind and I could make a bunch of excuses, but the truth is that its important and I need to make the time and so I will.
It appears I’m off and running and have finally put these plans to paper. I always hate sharing these kinds of things because of the accountability factor but – the last resolution deals with living with more integrity. I don’t think this is something that I required large amounts of work on, but something I think we could all strive to improve and on that note: I have put it out there and am making myself accountable.
Time will tell.
A lot has changed.
Jer and I are have now been married over a year and are now in our new house. It’s beautiful. I love it. It’s our home. We talk about growing old in it and to be able to mentally put myself back in the shoes of growing old with somebody in and of itself is something. Wasn’t so long ago, I thought I would be doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. Not alone….obviously the kids would be there. I can’t imagine a life without them, but I mean taking the highs and lows without a partner to share the joy, the pain….all the bittersweet stuff that you want to turn to someone and just be able to look at them, remember it all without saying a word and know you’ve made it and that you’re going to make it.
I am now a college graduate. I earned my Bachelors in Legal Studies and walked in cap and gown and all that jazz. That was an amazing feat for me. I know, that other people have achieved more than a Bachelors. I know that other working mothers have earned their degrees. I commend them all. BUT, it was a monumental moment in my life. I’m not going to let anyone discount it. It means alot and I hope it says a lot about my perseverance and determination to more than just me. I couldn’t even begin to find the words of explaining how hard it was to keep that goal in focus at 2 o clock in the morning, while studying from a hospital room with The Pickle b.s. and especially in my last semester when I almost lost my father.
I almost lost my father. I type the words and tears come. But, the biggest lesson my father ever taught me was what got me through. Faith. A peace that passes all understanding. I knew that whatever happened, he was going to be ok and I was ok. Don’t get me wrong. There were moments when I lost it, when I thought how unfair it was that this was happening to our Dad, this good man. I asked the whys. And eventually the dark gave way to light, hope and believe it or not even more faith. My father survived in a 10% chance. God apparently doesn’t care for statistics. Boy, am I thankful for that.
After two years at a job that I tried to be thankful for, that I hoped would make me better professionally, I came to realize that it was a dead end and that it had made me into someone I didn’t like very much. Someone who began to resent when the kids needed me most because ultimately it meant that it would be held against me. The great working mom dilemna: more at work, less at home vs. more at home, less at work – feel guilty either way. Someone who would listen to bullshit and not call it. And the breaking point was a lack of respect and class so obvious, I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Yes, there were experiences I gained and people I hold dear from them, but the job….it was a hopeless situation that I couldn’t change and changing myself was not going to get me anywhere, professionally or otherwise. Not there, not anywhere. Perhaps status quo is good enough for some….perhaps settling and making it seem like more than it is, is enough….but, not for me. I left.
Once again, one door closed and another one opened. Not only did it come with more money and less hours….but as an added bonus, I’m now working for someone I always wanted to work for. An attorney who actually cares. (Yes, they do exist!) Not just that, but a real family man. A guy who gets it: There’s nothing more important than your family. And not just his family, but my family too. There’s nothing ingenuine about this man and he asks for my honest opinion…and by honest, I mean, even if we disagree, he respects that I said it and where it came from. A man whose family has an intense legacy that is not just impressive on paper, but admirable in an ethical way that you just don’t see anymore. Not only am I happier, I’m excited and inspired.
I once heard someone say that it’s funny that as we go forward day to day in life nothing seems to change, but when you look back everything is different. Everything is so different from how it was…how I thought it would be. Everything is so much better than any plan I could’ve designed myself. Sometimes I think it really is better just to let go. You can’t control everything and if you get too caught up in your plans for the future, you miss the present entirely.
What’s that saying? Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans?
Ain’t that the truth!
A lot of people have told me that I don’t say much about my husband. I assume that means as compared to how much I used to talk about my El Chuba Douchebag.
Why is that? Why do we have less to say when we’re happy?
I don’t have much to say because he’s a fairly simple man. He gets up and goes to work at 4 am so that he can work 8 hours before he comes home to meet the kids off the bus. He does homework with them and makes dinner on week nights so that we can sit down and eat when I get home. He even does the dishes. My girlfriends tell me that in the lottery of men, I hit the jackpot.
But he also snores, loudly, he omits smells from his body that I could never find words for, he plays video games for Christ Sake and he hits all my buttons when we disagree, it’s really annoying. He’s still a man, he’s done and said stupid, stupid things.
But the best thing about him, the thing that makes me know that he is without a doubt the guy for me, you know, THE ONE….is that he gets me. We can have an argument over laundry and hang up the phone on each other and when I talk to him again its as if it never happened. If I tell him I’m sorry he takes me in his arms and say he knows it was just stress talking, kisses me on my forehead and that’s the end of it. Sometimes when I get mad and talk crap, he’ll laugh just because whatever I said was so funny, even if it was in the heat of the moment.
I make it sound like we fight alot. And we really don’t but its usually those times when I notice that he gets me the most.
Mostly, I just like that we go to bed an hour before when we actually want to sleep because we know were going to lay in bed and talk about whatever enters our head, we’re gonna laugh, then we’ll cuddle up and some nights we fall asleep and some nights the snuggles leads to kisses and the kisses lead to, well….you get the point. But no matter what he’s there every night when I go to sleep and he texts me every morning when he knows I’m getting up to tell me good morning and I love you.
I just like having a partner. I love that it’s him.
I don’t know when I became accustomed to not being happy, where waiting for the other shoe to fall or the rug to be swept out from under me became the norm, but I am acutely aware that it’s not at all normal now.
I am actually happily married. It’s happened. It exists. I don’t’ have to try very hard. I’m just myself. He’s himself. We go to work, we come home. We eat dinner as a family, we do our own things, we do things together, we hardly ever fight, we have sex, we don’t have sex, we laugh together, I fall asleep snuggled up to him or him curled up behind me, there are no expectations…things just fall into place. It works. And I’m happy. He’s happy. The kids are happy. But I find myself looking for signs that something is amiss. Looking for whatever it is that I’m missing because it can’t possibly be that this is it. There isn’t a secret I’m going to find out 4 weeks from now? He’s just suddenly not going to decide that he’s unhappy? He’s not suddenly not going to come home one night? That could be a touch of bipolar paranoia.
But seriously? This is it? Life is this easy? Love is this reliable? Happiness just happens?
This guy comes home everyday happily. Helps the kids with their schoolwork. He even makes dinner and does the dishes. He sends me text messages every morning that say, Good morning, beautiful. I love you. Have a great day….or something to that effect. He kisses my good night, every night. And when I tell him how wonderful he is or vice versa we both say, but I’m really not, I’m not doing that much. It just happens. There’s no drama, no tragedy, no ultimatums. We just are. It just is. We are happy.
It’s absolutely phenomenal to me that I spent so much time, living is such a distorted, unpredictable, alter reality and THAT actually became so normal to me that THIS is hard to accept???
I’m relearning happy.
What a concept.
It’s been 6 months since I wrote anything here, which flat-out stuns me. There used to be a time when all I did was write here. It hasn’t really been that there isn’t anything for me to write about. i just had to make my peace with writing in a more censored way than I was used to. At some point in the near future, I imagine that won’t be the case anymore.
So what has gone on for the last 6 months of my life? LOTS!
Last post: I got engaged. Didn’t really see that one coming. I mean I did. We talked about it, we had even played around in a jewelry store a few times just pointing out things and talking about the future. Then the ring came. A lot of people have asked me how I could have moved on so quickly after everything I’ve been through and if I have any doubts, but the honest to God truth is that I don’t have a single doubt. I have doubts about marriage, love and life in general, but not about him and even those tend to fade into the background where he is concerned. What has happened, happened. There really isn’t a damn thing I would’ve done differently. I know that. I accept the past exactly as is and I’m just ready to move on with my life. The future looks bright.
There are still messes from the past that are being cleaned up. The whole explosion of events from last summer have led to a court calendar I didn’t want. The last hearing is scheduled for April 18th. What it boils down to at this point is that there have been a slew of professional and evaluators in our lives since then and they have ALL determined, in a short summary, that the El Chupa Douchebag is a douchebag who is more interested in being a victim than he is in being a father to his children.
He has been reduced to supervised visits, every other Sunday for two hours, if the kids decide to go. Recently they have developed more disdain in regards to this situation because the time that he does have with them, he has used to bad mouth me and defend himself with lies, which even in their immature mind, recognize are not true, only furthering all the frustration they feel. He calls about twice a week. The kids can usually tolerate about 2-5 minutes before they’ve had enough. It’s sad, but I guess for now that’s the way it’s got to be. At least I hope it’s only for now. I would like to blame it all on Stankcy. I don’t think she’s a nice person and I believe she is actually playing all the head games he once accused me of playing. Ironic, huh? I dunno. Believe me, I’ve pretty much beat my head to a pulp trying to find a solution that end results with him being an exemplary parent. My best friend, Beavis, says sometimes that solution is just good-bye.
Fortunately, there’s been a man in their life who has stepped up to the title of father without any head banging or prompting and this seems to be making a world of difference.
Despite all this, the kids are doing great.
School is going great. Looks like I’ll be graduating with my Bachelors in Legal Studies come next summer and my career in the legal spectrum has really taken off. I like my job. I could love it. I love some of the people I work with….others I could just do without. I can’t tell you what a difference it makes to get a bit of notice for all your hard work and to have people tell you how above and beyond they think you perform in your role, even if it’s never your boss.
If you had told me 3 years ago that this would be my life, I’d probably have punched you in the face, but surprise, surprise, I’m finally where I want to be in my life story, just with different scenery, plot and characters.
Pickle asked me last night when Jer and I were going to get married. I had a moutful of pop and nearly spit it out everywhere. I told him I didn’t know and asked why he was asking me. He tells me that he knows I really like him and that he thinks I should. He says we’ve been together forever, we don’t fight, we laugh a lot, he loves me, I love him, so why not? I told him I wasn’t ready to get married yet because I had just had my heart broken and that I wanted it to get all better first. Then when we got home Pickle asked Jer when he was going to ask me to marry him. He didn’t freak out and scream running in the other direction. KUDOS! Then he told Pickle he loved me lots and we weren’t ready to get married yet.
I thought all of this was pretty cute … until today.
Today, Pickle’s counselor told me that he told her that EX asked him (did you get all that?) if it was ok for him to ask his girlfriend to marry him.
Kinda a slap in the face.
Not sure how i feel about that yet.
There’ll be more on this subject when I can wrap my brain around it.