Men are analyzers.
When we’re not feeling our best or something isn’t working, we try to figure out what’s wrong. We think the situation through. We calm ourselves down and look at problems systematically. We look for root causes or missing parts or broken pieces. Then, after identifying the cause of the issue, we usually come up with some sort of solution.
We decide, after thinking on it for a day or so, that we need a new fan belt, more vitamin C, or some vodka and a 50 dollar bet on the number six horse. We apply the solution and, before we know it, the car is running great, our sinuses have cleared up, and we’ve blown off the steam we needed to blow off. Problem fixed—except for the hangover.
Issues start when we try to approach our relationship problems in the same way, when we try to project our way of doing things onto the women in our lives.
It might look a little like this:
We come home after work or go to her place after school. The moment we walk through the door, we notice her foul mood. Frustration is built up in her furrowed brow. She is a storm cloud ready to crack. Even the room seems to have darkened with her anger. Her wrathful silence is so foreboding that we find it repulsive. A primal part of us might even be a little afraid at these powerful and dark emotions.
“What’s her problem?” is the first question that pops into our heads.
We immediately go into problem-solving mode. We assume there is a specific cause. We assume there is a singular issue that can be addressed that will fix the situation. We rack our brains, but can’t think of anything. Did we forget a birthday? Forget to call? Not notice a new haircut? We can’t figure it out, but no matter how much we ask her what’s the matter, she constantly tells us it’s nothing.
Why does she have to be so complicated?
We sit with her in silence. Maybe make a few more attempts to find out what the problem is. Maybe she lashes out at us because we keep asking, and we don’t really know what’s going on. Maybe we make the terribly silly mistake of telling her to calm down. Eventually we walk out, telling her we’ll come back when she figures out what her issue is and can talk it out like an adult.
At this point, we’ve not only failed our woman, we’ve failed ourselves.
We’ve wrongly assumed her situation is the same as a bike with a broken chain. We’ve wrongly assumed it’s as simple as finding the right piece we need to fix it. We’ve wrongly assumed, like all the other problems in our lives, that it’s our time to take control of the situation.
Like a ship’s captain that finds his vessel has strayed off course, we attempt to change her direction. We’ve tried to steer her, but our woman is not a ship. We are not her captain. She’s the ocean that we’re sailing in—vast and mighty. If we try to wrestle her immense waves we will lose every time. We will drown. She might not even know she’s doing it, but she will swallow us.
Our job is not to be the captain, or even the ship. Our job is to be the rock standing strong on the shores of the ocean that we love. Our only job is to be there, and to be there for no reason other than our love for her waters.
Like any other body of water, there will be days when she crashes against us. Wave after wave, it might feel like the ocean will never again be calm. When her tide is high we may feel like we’re about to drown. Sometimes she hits us so hard we think we might crack. But if we remain full and abundant in our love for her, and constantly present in our masculinity, it will pass.
Her waters will quiet. She will once again lovingly caress us, her waves gently lapping at our ankles. She will completely open her heart in response to our stubborn love. She will trust in our strength, and feel safe in showing us the depths of her dark and healing waters. She’ll let us dive into her completely and we will taste her salty kiss. She’ll show us just how much we have to learn from the mysterious gifts she has to give us.
Until, of course, another storm brews on the horizon. But, our job as the rock never ends.
So if you cannot love her stormy weather as much as you love her sunrise , she isn’t the woman for you. If you cannot find humour in the situation and her need to close up, lash out, or walk away, you’re not the man for her.
If when her waters get rough you cannot give your unconditional love to her, you’re treading in an ocean too deep and powerful for your swimming abilities. It is better for you both if you find a smaller pool to dip your timid feet in, and for her to find a man willing to embrace her inherently wild and endlessly passionate nature.
Author: Michael Giorgi
Having met you later in life,there are no memories of
young romantic love,
high school roller skating parties,
college weekdays longing for your touch.
No memories of experiencing together
life’s first tastes of freedom
or the innocence of believing that
we had all the time in the world.
I never knew your young body nor you mine;
those days when I looked radiant in the morning.
When life finally brought us together
We stood before each other
In the stark reality of all we had become.
Too mature to hide
Yet secretly wondering
If the other would stay
And if love was worth the trouble
After all this time.
Piece by piece
We removed the layers of life
Shedding off what no longer served us
Until we discovered a place deep inside,
Beyond judgment, expectation,
Or what anyone else thought
Where we found only pure light.
Smiling, we instinctively knew
We had everything we needed
For the rest of the journey.
With you by my side
I can see the light in your eyes
Of who we really are.
Forgiveness has never been so easy
And love so real.
Having met you later in life,
The knowledge that our time here is limited
Grows stronger with each passing moment.
Instead of running,
I pause and breathe.
Hold your gaze.
Feel your energy.
And open my heart to the mystery of life.
Author: Christy Sperrazza
“People ask me, ‘Why are you single?’ You’re attractive, intelligent and creative. My reply is I’m overqualified.” ~ Unknown
Yes, I’m single. No, I’m not lying.
It doesn’t matter if the question is coming from family, my friend’s husbands or random strangers—it’s an inquiry that suggests that because of the woman I am, I should have been taken off the market long ago.
But, the thing is, I’m not looking to be taken off the market, just so I have someone’s arm to hold onto as I cross the street.
I’ve joked around and told people that not everyone can handle my flavor of awesome. I’ve said that I am too busy with work and my children to date. There have been times I’ve whimsically replied that whenever it’s meant to happen it will and cynical moments where I said well maybe I am meant to be single forever.
In truth, I’m single because I have lost the ability to settle.
I don’t just want company—I want to be wowed, and in all honesty I’m not wowed that easily.
The funny thing is, it’s not about what kind of car a man drives, nor is it found in his possessions, that he brags about, as supposed evidence of his character and worth.
No, what I am looking for can’t be found in any material things.
It’s found in the eyes of a man and in his heart.
The way he approaches the world and how his life is evidence of what he stands for. I’ve realized that I’m not after just any man—I’m only in pursuit of someone who burns as passionately as I do.
I don’t need someone to play house with and pass the time until we eventually realize we want different things. I don’t need to learn any more lessons from dating different versions of the same man, nor do I need someone to reflect my self-worth back to me.
These lessons I’ve learned have not been overnight. This in depth and sometimes scary self-work has been done sitting by myself, learning that I am enough just the way I am.
I’ve got this. I’m not looking for a bargain basement kind of love.
I won’t be sifting through discount love in an attempt to have something, because I would much rather wait it out, do me, and be ready when someone of my caliber and energy level comes around.
I’m honestly single because I am a lot to handle—with colors that defy the logical and a taste that lingers upon the heart. It’s okay that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea—but what I am will be the right fit for someone who understands the complexities of my contradictions.
The question, “How can you be single?” implies that those asked are supposed to be taken, but maybe it’s the people who actually have their act together who remain single the longest.
Relationships aren’t just for pleasure but also for self-growth. Sometimes we need other’s help to teach us the lessons we are too blind to see. But other times the only person to explore our issues with is ourselves.
Because regardless of who it is, or how enlightened they may seem—we’ve all got issues. How they manifest themselves in our lives depends on what stage of awareness and healing we are in.
For a long time, when someone asked me why I was still single, it made me question my relationship status because I couldn’t just team up and date random people like so many seem satisfied with. It was as if something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel a strong desire to fill my social calendar with those wanting to take me to dinner or concerts.
But then I realized, it was because I had fallen in love with myself and my life—as is.
I enjoy my own company, and that of friends and family so much that the only reason I would accept an invitation by a prospective man is if I felt he could add something to my already full life.
I’m not living my life day to day, hoping for the best. No, I am here building my own empire in the sky, and the fact is once a woman has decided to build her own castle she isn’t looking for someone else to do it for her.
Does that mean I think I am superwoman, and that I can do everything on my own? No, not at all. But it does mean that I know the qualities I am looking for, not in a lover or a boyfriend—but in a partner. I want someone whose dreams are just as full as mine, who aspires to a life they can attain with hard work and dedication.
I’m waiting for someone who can match my strength. He will be strong enough so that I don’t always have to be strong. I’m not looking for someone to be like me, but to complement me.
Perhaps the biggest reason that I am still single is that I know exactly what I want.
I am looking for presence in a man. He’ll know how I should be spoken to and how to ignite a fire inside my belly. The fact that I don’t yet have this is okay with me because I do have faith that I will one day.
So, why am I still single?
Because I have decided not to accept less than what I deserve. I have learned that my worth doesn’t lay in the hands of a man. I wake up each day absolutely in love with my life.
Until the day comes when a man comes into my life and enhances what is already here, until he is ready to accept me as is and will not try to stifle my magic and have the kahunas big enough to claim me as his own … I will remain single because I’ve found myself.
And that is more than half the battle of finding another.
1. This isnt a fairy tale, it’s real life and you will create the ending.
2. Never start a relationship with someone in a desperate state. When you are lost at sea, any port will be the right port.
3. If you want to give something a shot, then have the patience to wait this out, let the dust settle and start with a solid foundation. That’s faith.
4. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Take the time to sit down and write a plan of action. Review your best/worst case scenario and plan for both.
5. Seek help. Professional help. A counselor who can help you work through the issues BEFORE creating a volatile scenario for you or your children.
6. Actions speak louder than words – ALWAYS. Pay attention to what they do, not what they say.
7. If someone wants a future with you and your children, they should be doing everything to show up as a complete person, not in pieces that you’re going to put back together.
^^remember that if nothing else^^
Sometime around New Years I signed on to a dating site. I took the time to write a very detailed “About Me” section and then, I was overwhelmed by the response.
So overwhelmed that I didn’t respond to any messages and I shut down the profile. After a long discussion with my (longest) male friend about my experiences over the past year and my expectations moving forward, his advice to me was: “Slut it up, Stephanie”.
It sounds way worse than the intended message, which was that I needed to end my streak of serial monogamy and just go on a TON of dates, embrace my passion for learning about people, listening to their stories and getting to know them. It is one of my favorite past times and something I set aside as my depression turned me inward. He was absolutely right. I know what I want and need in a man, but not every man can handle me full on. I have learned that the answer is NOT becoming smaller to make them more comfortable, but I wasn’t sure what the answer actually was.
Then I began to grow curious and inspected my relationship with this man and why it had lasted 25+ years. Yes, we dated in high school, but even denying a marriage proposal didn’t end our friendship. <— THIS IS THE ANSWER.
Why is it that when we go into dating that we automatically focus on finding love, instead of friendship? Why do we get so anxious about our worth in a complete stranger’s assessment? Why are we waiting for returned returned calls, texts and affections to determine our relationships fate? When we don’t hear from a best friend, why do we reach out and ask if everything’s ok, instead of thinking “They don’t like me. I wonder what I did wrong?”.
Turns out upon closer inspection, my longest lasting, most fulfilling relationships were with my friends. The ones who love me just as I am and unconditionally. Those friends have become my tribe, my family. I love my friends.
Shouldn’t love be … friends on fire?
Just think about the difference that could made in our lives by approaching romantic partners with a friends first philosophy.
I’ve started trying.
I reactivated my account and changed my status to “Looking for: Friends”. I weeded a ton out and also saved myself a whole lot of time just by this one simple click. The results amaze me. Ive been on more quality dates with more like-minded individuals in the last two weeks, than I have in my entire adult life. Im making new friends and I love it.
Two prospects may indeed start a fire (One, in particular), but in all honesty, I am able to fully enjoy and engage without reservation outside of romance and because Im already certain that I am a respected friend, accepted just as I am, Im daring greatly without the fear of anything being swept out from under me.
Friends first. I highly recommend it.
The whole world seems to be “commitment phobic” or perhaps it’s a chemical imbalance … a societal attention deficit disorder. It’s a Netflix and chill culture … a very special hell for any hopeless romantics remaining.
I know this truth will feel like a knife in your heart—but, my dear sweet woman, if he wanted to be with you, he would be.
If this man who you’ve given so much of your heart to was able to understand even one iota of what your love truly means, then he never would have turned his back on the magnificent woman you are.
Love is rarely mutual, which is why when it is, magic explodes in the brilliance of stardust.
I know it seems like perhaps it’s just bad timing—that maybe he isn’t ready for you, or even that he’s not sure he deserves you—but none of that is the point.
The only thing that matters is that if he wanted to be with you—he would be.
For when a man falls in love with a woman, nothing can stand in the way. Not life, obstacles or even one’s ideas of readiness or worthiness.
Because as much as we’d like to think otherwise, there is no real reason that he’s not beside you this evening, other than the fact that he’d rather be somewhere else.
There’s no greater pain than loving someone and having them not choose you, but the sad truth is that it’s not your fault. However, that doesn’t make it his fault either. Sometimes love just doesn’t work out the way we want it to.
Sometimes it’s just not right—and unfortunately, sometimes it is right, but we choose to walk away anyway.
I wish I could tell you that there will be someone else out there who sees everything that the other man didn’t—and when he kisses you, you’ll understand why it didn’t work out with the man who stole your heart.
However, the reality is—I can’t.
See, there are lessons in love, and sometimes we come face to face with the kind of love we have only ever dreamed of—yet that doesn’t mean it will always have a happy ending.
Sometimes, in this life, we only find something once. We can say that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that there are a number of people who can come together and be happy, and perhaps that is often true—but as you know, so much more exists to love than just happiness.
Yet, even that knowledge doesn’t make it any better—the only choice you have to make is whether you’re going to keep making excuses for a man who can’t decide if he wants you, or if you are going to choose joy instead.
Will you let go of someone who’s never been able to commit to you, and instead, make room for someone who will?
Someday, a man will come into your life, and he will simply show up for you. He will be present, he will be sure, and even if the fires don’t burn quite as passionately, he will stay where others only left.
I know that you love this man who won’t choose you, and I know that there is pain in your heart, because out of everything in this world, all you really want is for him to be there with you—but, my lovely woman, he isn’t.
Any man who really wanted to be with you wouldn’t be this conflicted about it. Maybe there would be things to figure out, or situations to discuss, but that would be something to figure out together.
Maybe it just wasn’t love for him—-or sadly, maybe it was, but he just couldn’t accept it.
We never know what each new day might bring, and while it’s tempting to just sit and wait for the perfect time—hoping that this love that feels so right might eventually come to fruition—sometimes it’s just time wasted.
We each take our own journey in this life, and sometimes these men we love truly do have to lose it all before they realize what they had—or could have had. Sometimes we need to figure things out and grow, but you must realize that if he really wanted to be with you—he would be.
All the reasons he believes about why it wouldn’t work, or why it’s foolish, would suddenly seem inconsequential in comparison to the way your eyes make his heart flutter. The obstacles and difficulties would melt in the heat you both create between you—quite simply, nothing else would matter.
And so, sometimes the only choice we have is to simply love them from afar and welcome new possibilities into our hearts, because waiting can only be done for so long before it is truly done in vain.
No one doubts your love for him, but how long do you want to love a man who refuses to love you in return?
How long will you tell yourself that perhaps tomorrow is the day he’ll decide he can’t live without you?
As difficult as it is to accept, the only reason you’re not with him right now is because he doesn’t want to be there with you. Life is pulling him in another direction—or maybe, it’s just that he’s chosen to walk down a different path. After all, that’s the thing about love—we always have a choice.
And though we may wish he’d made a different one, the reality is—he didn’t.
As much as you may love him, the reality is that if he really wanted to be with you—he would be.
Despite current circumstances, I really am grateful for the men in my life. My father, my “boyfriend”, my male friends, my sons. They’re very helpful at providing a prospective I wouldn’t otherwise have.
It’s interesting though.
The man successful in business just wants to find love.
The man successful in love wants success in business.
The man successful in both, well, he’s still insecure. He tells me all men are to varying degrees and Im only starting to realize that monumental truth. Noteworthy though is that he didn’t set out looking for either specifically. He just lived his life with integrity and what was meant for him found its way.
We, men and women, are really more alike than we are capable to realize.
Men, if you want more love, just say so. Watch what happens.