Random Memory

Ive been forgetting a lot of things since getting sick. So in an effort to try and write things down before I forget them, I shall begin posting random, really random, memories …

Random memory 1: I was helping out at a wake following a funeral. I went to serve wine, but couldn’t find a wine bottle opener anywhere. Then, this woman pulled TWO out of her purse!

Mind blown.

Good Riddance, 2006! (my year in review)

Seems every year I sit down to write my end of year blog, thinking that I will be glad to be rid of this year, that next year will be better, and somehow it always seems worse. This year has truly taken the cake. I can barely see the keyboard as type through tears remembering it all. But I think in order to really move on and leave things behind and appreciate our life as it is now, we must really look at where we’ve been….without further ado…. here is my 2006 in review

January 06′ –  Miss Crazie’s Dad had a heart attack and she came home for a visit. A visit that seemed to change everything for her and she made the decision to move back home to Ohio and boy was I glad to have her back. Little did I know how much I would need her and all my friends this year. Pickle was admitted to the hospital for nearly a week because of his seizures. After months of trying and starting to worry, Ni found out she was pregnant.

Feburary- Jedi turned 5, Steelers won Super Bowl XL, Had my eyebrow pierced, Eva’s baby shower, Mack passed away.

March – Jedi diagnosed with asthma, Got Pickle’s new birth certificate after adoption,  The BOYZ GONE WILD incident, realization of state of marriage, tried romantic night away thing to compensate, Beavis’ granddaughter is born, lump in my breast and cysts reappear in ovaries, Pickle’s 10th birthday party , the end of Matilda and I’s decade long “friendship”, Diva’s ear tube surgery.

April – Got to go to a Cav’s game, Ni & her daughter visit for Diva’s 3rd birthday, we almost lose my mother from A-Fib, two incidents that led me to realize how cold my husband really was  (looking back, I think this was what sealed my marriage’s fate), bad insomnia sets in, decide to make some changes, enrolled back in college, leveled the yard, put in patio, popped rib out in process, Ni finds out she’s having a boy!

May – Begin college classes, Cinco de Mayo celebration on new patio, got Diva potty trained, was put on meds, the first talk of separation, Diva’s first movie – Over the Hedge, Day out w/ Thomas, Aero’s game, druken phone calls by husband to my friends and sister, Memorial Day cook-out debacle.

June – Husband tries to sabotage my mid-terms, cysts get worse, put on hormones for 3 months, My best friend moves into her own place, my sister calling from jail, first discussion of separation with Husband ,Pickle diagnosed as cognitively disabled, Took kids to Zoo, Husband‘s drinking gets worse, Husband starts coming home later and later, Fight with Crazie, Lots of swimming with Beavis at her new place with the kids at the pool, Jedi graduates from Safety Town.

July – Family bike ride from hell, start marriage counseling, 4th of July from hell, Pickle diagnosed with urinary reflux, I tell Mom-in-law that I think it’s over, My Dad’s birthday from hell, Me running away to Beavis’, Jedi breaks his arm, Trip to Kentucky w/ kids, Husband‘s spectacular (heavy sarcasm) celebration of my birthday, the long drive to Virginia for Ni’s baby shower and the decisions I made during that time on my drive, surprise cake on my birthday when I arrive in VA and my 21st birthday lunch with Tessa and MACkenzie (wink), first time I’ve genuinely smiled in months.

August- Mammogram for lump in breast, Cpl. Joe Tomci’s funeral, 1st time Husband doesn’t come home at night, Biscuit visits – its sad when someone in your husband‘s family tells you to run, the lies start to pile up, get night job just to have some space only to have to quit because I can’t rely on husband to be home at night,  Jedi gets stitches in his lip, the “BJ” incident, husband leaves, husband comes back to “work things out” only to continue to go out all the time, severe migraines set in, Husband tells me he’s seen a lawyer.

September- Jedi’s stitches in head after Diva hits him with hammer to kill a spider (it’s funny now), Husband put on 30 day probationary period, Mega-depression sets in, Ni brings her baby boy into the world, Darryl deployed… again, Pass out from migraine/exhaustion/dehydration, Got my first job as a legal assistant, Chuck commits suicide, the weird infection, I see a divorce attorney.

October –  I file for divorce, the “choke hold” incident, husband arrested, restraining order, husband moves out, My 6th Anniversary visit to Kentucky, EX has a date with someone I suspect he cheated on me with, accepting it’s over, I start being myself again, I find my smile again, stop taking anti-depressent, dating again? – scary!, not ready.

November –  Best Friend, Beavis’ son killed … funeral, burial, talking all night on the phone with Trouble, Beavis says “Life’s too short…I’ve waited too long to be happy“. I set the first date-DATE with TROUBLE (Jer), the first court date for the boy who shot my Beavis’ son, a peaceful Thanksgiving.

December – Meet EX’s girlfriend, Met Jer’s Mom, Jer and I celebrate our one month “anniversary” by ending the wait(snicker), Quit smoking, Li’s accident, Jer gets a new job to be closer to me, EX loses his job, I completed 90 day probationary period with my job and get a raise, Had a very bittersweet Christmas, and now……I’m ready for New Years.

This year has been a rough one…

2007 – I’m waiting for ya, hoping you will be my power year…..bring it on!!!

(To all my friends and family…. particularly….my Beavis, Crazie, my sister, my cousins…Li, Ni and Biscuit, my dear friend, Kelli Jo…thank-you for seeing me through all of this. I don’t know where I would be without your love and support. I won’t forget. I love you guys! And to Jer, I don’t know where it goes from here, maybe I’m not ready to know yet, but….I can’t even type this without tears of happiness and gratitude filling my eyes….I will always be grateful to you. Thank-you for just being you, for just loving me for me, for restoring my faith and hope in love, thank-you for everything and for things you’ll never even know cause I could never find the words….I love you.

Favortie Songs (for now…)

Name – Goo Goo Dolls:  I can’t really explain what this songs means to me, but it’s one of those songs that gets me at the core. Reminds me of just after I graduated from high school and was getting into unfamiliar territory and trying to find a soft place to fall.

Here to Stay – Korn: First song I crank after we have had a fight.

Purple Rain – Prince: One of my all time favorite songs. To all my Exs.

Everything is Everything – Lauryn Hill: A great song about the lessons of life.

Your Song – Elton John:  A song my Uncle Marc played for me at the piano once when I begged him to play for me.

Thank You – Led Zepplin: First song husband ever played to me.

Faint – Linkin Park: My song to those who make assumptions about me.

Break Stuff – Limp Bizkit: Cause sometimes you just have a day when everything pisses you off.

If I Ain’t got you – Alicia Keyes: My song to my husband. Yes, I’ve made a lot of sacrafices to keep this relationship afloat but, it’s worth it, for me and my kids if it makes this work….that’s all that matters. Sometimes it is very scary to be this vulnerable to someone but sometimes you find the greatest things by taking the greatest risks.

Lady – Styx:  His song to me. (Can you tell he’s 9 years older than me??? lol)

You Don’t Know How It Feels – Tom Petty: High school. Good times. Nuff’ said.

Sleep to Dream – Fiona Apple: This song reminds me of the boys from my past who begged for my attention and then  didn’t know what to do with me when they got it.

Boys of Summer – The Ataris: When I was about 6 my parents bought their first house and across the street lived a little girl named Julie. We were inseperable til middle school when she moved away to the beach. This was one of her favorite songs (the orginal of course) Makes me think of all the kids I grew up with.

I Wanna Dance with Somebody – Whitney Houston: I grew up in the 80s when Whitney was sweet and innocent. I used to love me some Whitney. I’d crank it up, jump up on my bed and lip sync into my hairbrush in all my glory.

Disco Inferno – 50 Cent: A great get up and shake your ass song. Who doesn’t like to shake dat’ ass and have a good time?

Wild Horses – Rolling Stones: One of my favorite songs of all times.There was a time when I didn’t think my marriage would survive and I heard this song and it really hit me.

Imagine – A Perfect Circle: This is all about my frustraion with the world.

Some Kind of Wonderful – Joss Stone: a re-make of one of my favorite songs of all times. I love anything by Joss Stone.

Jammin’ – Bob Marley: Reminds me of good times hanging out with the boys I grew up with on my block when we were all in high school. Playing spades and drinking Boone’s.

The Reason – Hoobastank:  A song that really helped my husband get across to me how he felt about our past. Helped the healing process. This song is very dear to my heart.

Every Rose Has It’s Thorn – Poison: Had to throw in a shout-out to the big hair bands of the 80s. But this song also reminds me of my best friend from college, Crazie, us driving home and belting out the lyrics to this song with the volume cranked and the windows down.

Love Shack – B-52s: My favorite karaoke song. Last performed with my cousin and my Uncle Bo at my Dad’s 50th birthday party. Good times.

Need You Tonight – INXS: Always makes me think about my Aunt Chey at her wedding reception. Everyone was there and had a great time together. I remember how much my Nana laughed while Aunt Boots danced with Papa Mark. It’s one of my favorite memories.

Naughty Girl – Beyonce’: Hmmm….simply put, I rather enjoy sex and I’ve been called a naughty girl a time or two. I like the feel of this song. It captures THAT feeling.

I Hope You Dance – LeeAnn Womack: My hopes for my kids. Honestly, these are the things I want to see from my kids and it will make me proud if they understand their importance even if their hair is green, their pants are falling off their butts, their in some trouble or whatever else.

Hands to Heaven – Breathe: Stirs memories of long distance relationships and how hard it was to be away from someone I loved.

Wake Up – Rage Againist the Machine: The song I reach for when I start feeling sorry for myself.

I’m not in Love -10cc: Another one of my favorite songs of all time. All about after you’ve been hurt in love and trying to hide from it again.

Because you love me – JoDee Messina: My feelings about my personal relationship with God.

I’ll Be Loving You – New Kids on the Block:  Oh lordy…this song brings back Ni and I playing with our Donnie and Jordan dolls, dreaming of being Mrs Wahlberg and Mrs. Knight, crying in the audience of a concert dremaing that they were singing directly to us. For you, Ni, thanks for growing up with me.

Colour my world – Chicago: My parents’ wedding song. Today is their 31st wedding anniversary. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! I admire them greatly and am forever grateful for their example of fidelity and faith. Thank-you.

Arms Wide Open – Creed: I love Creed’s first album the most. But this song came out right around the time that I found out I was preganat with JJ. We also went to see them in concert when I was 8 months pregnant and husband sang these words into my ear while his hands held my belly.

Beautiful – Christina Aguilera: An awesome song about discovering self-worth. I dig it.

Underneath the Stars – Mariah Carey: When my boyfriend went away to boot camp my senior year of high school another boy came into the picture who totally started to steal my heart. This song is all about that.

Red, Red Wine – UB40: One of my favorite song of all times cause it’s soooo true. When your heart is hurting, you need some wine. Cues memory of a Bev and I once being really drunk on wine and doing an improptu accapella version.

Dream On – Aerosmith: Another one of my favorite songs of all time. Follow your dreams and stay true to yourself, take the good with the bad.

More Bounce to the Ounce – Zapp&Roger: Rollerskating with Keo & Mimo and my cousin Ni. They were so cool. Great feel good song.

The River – Garth Brooks: When my Dad retired from the Army we were stationed in Texas and had gotten really hooked on Garth. We listened to his tapes through our whole drive from Texas to Virginia. This is one of my favorites.

Hey Ladies – Beastie Boys: I love the Beastie Boys. Had to throw one of these in there. Their songs often remind me of my cousins and our families renting a beach house and taking a joint trip to the beach one summer. I remember there was a frog. Moving on……

Kissing You – Faith Evans: Darryl moved next door to me in middle school. Intially he picked on me a lot, but in a nice way. Then it turned into this weird protective thing…when I started high school he would walk me to classes and got into a couple fights in my honor. We started having more and more deep conversations. We cried to one another, confided everything about our parents, our fears…EVERYTHING.And then suddenly we found ourselves becoming more than friends. This song is about that.

Anytime – Brian McKnight: And this is the song Darryl sent me a copy of when circumstances took over and everythimg fell away from us.

My Own Prison – Creed: A song about how the burden of guilt from sin is something we create ourselves. Something I really believe. God is graceful. It is not his wish for us to hang our heads in shame and it’s nobody’s place to make us feel that way either. “Those who judge, shall be judged.”

Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2: Summer after I graduated from high school. I made some long drives while listening to U2s greatest hits. This song reminds me about that journey of finding myself.

Hella Good – No Doubt: Sometimes you just feel good and wanan dance.

Another One Bites the Dust – Queen: Matilda. Probably her favorite song but definitely a fitting theme song for her life. ((snicker)) Ah well, at least in my head she’s happy and jammin to this song.

God gave me you – Bryan White: My song to my kids. Cause truly, EVERYTHING changes when you have a child and I’m grateful for that.

Black Betty – Spiderbait: Once on the way back from a night out of heavy partying with my in-laws, we were all piled in a van, with a designated driver of course, and we started playing this game where one person starts a beat and then the next person adds something and so on and so on. Well everytime we would get to Uncle Mark he would start “WooOhh Black Betty, bamlabam!” It was hilarious. It’s one of his favorite songs. Here’s to good times with family.

Innocent – Our Lady Peace: My sister and I went to see Our Lady Peace in concert a few years ago. It was a great time and we sang these lyrics at the top of our lungs about 5 rows back from the stage with our arms around each other’s shoulders.

I Don’t Care Anymore – Phil Collins: My feelings about B.S. and people talking shit.

So Far Away – Staind: Where I want to be.

I Will Remember You – Sarah McLachlan: To everyone who has touched my life.