This is the first time in … well, a really long time, that I haven’t been absolutely dreading Mothers Day.
I could write about the whys and hows that caused this stretch, but I regress. I feel ransomed. Instead, I have decided to write about why I go forward tomorrow.
I go forward because I am a mother. I go forward for my children, because while they may only need me to lead for a little while longer, I will continue to be their mother without their need. Being a mother is seared into every fiber of my being. It’s what I do. Not just for my own children, but with all children whose lives cross my path. I’ve been called into this unknown for as long as I can remember. Every dream I had as a child was to have a child. Sure, I’ve dreamt of traveling to new places and meeting new people, collecting adventures, but the only adventure I was ever certain I could not leave this planet without having stepped into has always been motherhood.
The most profound moment of my entire life was the one which held the sound of my child’s heart beating from within my womb. That was the moment I became a mother. While most things I’ve once held dear have now been counted as loss, come hell or high water, that moment will always be mine. No one can take it from me. That love and wonder remains the same.
My children are everything to me. I see them. They are too smart for their own good, and ignorant beyond belief all at once. They see me. A God in their wonder, yet another inherently flawed human wrapped in their unconditional love. I am their greatest teacher, they are mine. That’s the way it goes. We live, we love, we learn. We become.
From now on, I will celebrate BECOMING a mother.
That’s my moment. That’s my thing.
That’s Mothers Eve to me.
My two teenagers have taken to singing “I’ll Be There For You” by The Rembrandts (or the Friends theme song) everytime something goes wrong and Im at wit’s end.
Grocery bag splits open, spilling groceries across just cleaned floor:
Kids: 🎼”so no one told you life was gonna be this way”🎵 *clap clap clap 👏 *
Im convinced that a singing child is a confident child.
There is nothing quite like falling asleep to your child singing in the next room.
I heard someone say, “Somedays you eat salad and exercise, somedays you order pizza and binge on Netflix, its all about balance.”
That stuck with me.
Like…somedays you feel top notch and sincerely dont give a shit what anyone says or thinks about you, somedays the wrong glance brings you to your knees.
Somedays youre certain your dog is the best dog that ever existed, somedays your dog takes a shit on the floor right after you take him outside because he’s a prick.
Somedays you believe that marriage is a beautiful, sacred bond that will last forever, somedays you finalize your second divorce and feel like you dont have enough middle fingers to shove in love’s direction.
Somedays you leap into the dating pool while throwing caution to the wind and are optimistically surprised when you meet a nice guy, somedays youre left questioning your sanity after finding the “nice guy”‘s multiple dating site profiles.
Somedays you think family is a precious gift to be cherished above all other relationships, somedays youd like to pack your shit and move into a vast wilderness…forever alone.
Somedays you are in awe of your children growing older and wish you could slow time down, somedays youre certain there is no way you will survive your spawn’s teenaged years and wish death would find you.
Yesterday. 3:47pm. I made the following note on my iPhone:
Checking out at desk from son’s doctor appointment and I suddenly feel breathless. Im certain some sort of virus, likely the plague because I saw a woman who look like she had the plague, has just invaded my body.
Sure as shit, I woke up sick today.
Actually before I even went to bed I started feeling as if my cat had been toying with my tonsils and started this lame half cough. Then I woke up with the plague.
Now, Im lying here in a pseudo-benadryl like reality toying with the idea of creating a huge alliance of single mothers that will perform functions of the luxuries we provide to others during their illness but never have extended to us. Like making chicken noodle soup or a tuck in service. Single moms are a tough bunch so we dont need this pansy ass shit on the regular but we definitely could use some TLC when we’re sick. Being sick as a single Mom is the pits. Nobody cares that you’re dying of the plague. Theyre just like, “Where’s dinner?” or realize its the perfect time to neglect their chores because Mom is too sick to be taken seriously because you sound like a troll and cant hold your eyes open. (Thanks, Nyquil) Then, its double suckage because when you start feeling better you have to deal with all the extra bullshit nobody bothered to do because you were sick. It’s just not fair.
So Ive decided that when the cat finally actualizes her world domination plans and makes me the supreme leader of humans who provide food and defacation dispoal services, a branch of my power will be devoted to creating an alliance. We will boss kids around, dispense Lysol and chicken and dumpling soup and the world will be a better place because of it.
I went and woke jer up and I told him.
I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore.
I told him that it’s been more than a year since I went to him and laid out all the issues and he made promises to fix things and make efforts
I told him its been all talk and no follow through.
He said he thought he’d been doing better and if it made any difference he had planned to call and set up therapy tomorrow
I wont let him hurt the kids anymore.
I told him so. I told him that I didn’t know who he was anymore. He’s not the man I fell in love with. By always having my EX to compare to …well that’s a pretty low bar and I can’t stay married to you because sometimes you pay attention to me and it’s nice when you’re hurting my kids. I said I never imagined Id say this to you but I don’t like who you are and Im watching my son turn into you and it makes me sick to my stomach. I said that the kids are an extension of me and when you hurt them it hurts me. It’s selfish of me to consider anything else.
Then I came back upstairs, climbed into bed and now Im laying here with a million things going through my head and tears … so many tears.
Everything is going to change but it has to.
I haven’t been around in the blogsphere lately. I keep trying to force myself to write something but the more I think about it, I just don’t want to. I don’t think it’s depression. It doesn’t feel like the kind of depression that I’m typically accustomed to dealing with but, then again, I seem to not recognize my depression as such until I’m past the point in which sitting down to write about it would be helpful. I guess maybe I’m not the best judge on the matter.
I’d like to think it’s more of a distracted state.
We had a hearing on our Motion to bring Pickle home last Tuesday. It was approved with flying colors. I spent the rest of the week running around trying to tie up loose ends and getting other needed pieces in place. He started back at the high school yesterday and is really happy about they way everything has turned out. I was probably more excited about school paperwork than I had ever been or will be. We even filled out his FAFSA for next year. That’s been the good distraction.
While I haven’t been dealing with Pickle stuff, I’ve mostly been laid up with this awful back pain. It has been all consuming, driven me to tears and the brink of madness and other than this brief little statement on the matter, I really don’t feel like diving into the cesspool of stuff surrounding it. I’m just thankful that my epidural spinal injection is tomorrow and that I can at least count on some sort of resolution where the pain goes buh-bye to follow. That’s the bad distraction.
What I’m trying to say is that I’ve either been too busy to write or just flat out not wanting to do much of anything when I don’t have to.
This morning we were awaken with a BANG! that shook the whole house. A thunderstorm was rolling through just as the kids alarms were going off to ready for the school day, My thoughts, of course, went to wondering how long this storm was going to last and if I was going to need to drive them to the bus stop or to school altogether when me cellphone rang. It’s my Dad calling to say that the storm had woken him up too and that he’ll take the kids to school today. I hang up the phone even more grateful for my Daddy than I already forever am, when it hits me. THIS is one of the many things that never occurs to the EX.
Does he ever wake up wondering how the kids are?
How does he go about his day not knowing how they’ll get to school during a storm, how their day will go, what they’ll eat for lunch, what kind of social situations they might need guidance navigating, what homework they may have, the things they’ll have to say about their day, whether there’s food to eat for dinner, if they’ll get their chores done or need a privilege taken away to motivate them or without those hugs and kisses before they go to bed safely tonight?