Sunday’s Song

I’m always trying to do and say the right things, yet somehow constantly coming up short in others eyes. I know, logically, that I can not make everyone happy, even with the best intentions. Yet, whenever I deem somebody to be upset about things (that have absolutely no bearing on me) I try time and time again to “fix” it.

I must learn the subtle art of not giving a fuck. Literally, I could care less. It appears to work out better for those who care less. Well … the others appear alive and fulfilled, but they are the walking dead. They’ve gone numb for self-preservation’s sake. They can’t see or hear you.

This means all the sugar I was spoon fed through my church upbringing is what now makes me sick. Being told to do unto others as you would do unto yourself (or is it: as you would have others do to you?) in principle, is lovely. Out here in the hard knock life, the reality is quite the opposite though. Everybody is looking for real and nobody is bringing real to the table. The most socially acceptable and fashionable means of intimacy is sexual, but sex does not equal love; and it does not quench our soul’s deep thirst for connection.

We’re left with sadness, feeling incomplete. Those feelings are valid;

And also, I am done with them.

I believe in love

I was at a punk/metal bar tonight because they were hosting a chick book club’s PRIDE drag show fundraiser.

Stop and read that again.

Punks. Metalheads. Nerds. LGBT. Black. White.

Let me add: I watched a young man pray with his now sister before they took the stage TOGETHER. An 80-something Grandma got on stage with the chick lits and danced to En Vogue’s ‘Free Your Mind’.

I really took it in. It was love.

It was really fuckin rad and beautiful.

The Trip

Flexing my courage muscle and reconnecting with my sense of adventure, led me on a trip I had never taken before. Mentally. I am safe and have a most excellent trip sitter. When he feels me revealing vulnerability, he takes off his shirt to even our spiritual levels. I cannot take my eyes off of him. He feels like looking in a mirror. He meets my compassion and intimacy. We lay together until the darkness is all around. It’s not a scary darkness. It’s peaceful. Stars twinkle and lightning bugs are aglow. I am in child like wonder. I move to sit on the old, worn wooden floor, but staying close enough to simultaneously touch him, only if I need to, so as to stay grounded. It feels as though everything in the universe in somehow geometrically revealing itself to me. I see the ways all energy is connected. I feel an immense understanding and gratitude in my soul. Silence has never sounded so good. The crickets, frogs and owls all singing with the wind. I close my eyes. In my mind’s eye, I sit in the center of a mass, bountiful forest on the ground’s dirt. Moonlight spotlights me here. In its beam I can see memories very vividly. Things I had not thought of in years.

Memories:

Childhood trauma, but in a way that was healing and a release. Everything made sense.

– My Aunt going “missing” while I was spending the night and my cousins telling me that their Dad was going to kill her.

– Arguments between Mom and Dad. Holes punched in the wall. Being awaken and packing up belongings, secretly, in the middle of the night.

– My Dad being distraught after witnessing a woman jump to her death.

– My parents having an argument on a road trip. Stopping Mom from removing a bottle of pills from her purse. My memory suggests she was suicidal.

– Distracting my little sister (7) with playing music and coloring in my room as a teenager and covertly sneaking and calling my Nana when I believed my Mom was suicidal and begging her to pick up her bedroom phone, while on a cordless on the other side of the door.

Revelations:

I always have music playing. This was a coping mechanism for myself and a protection for my little sister.

The only hope for a better future is to stop hoping for a better past.

The perfection in timing of bearing my children, earlier than planned, but right on time and before I would not be able to. The one experience I cannot imagine my life without.

Everyone is just a person and therefore FLAWED.

The devil on our shoulder is self-serving while the angel is concerned with serving others in love. Is hell then a society made up of the self-serving devils and heaven a society made of people serving one another in love?

I feel love. I just feel love for everything and everyone. Love, love. All you need is love.<3

And coming down from Cloud 9, was a mighty fine ride (13 years in the making).

Whatever this is…I want MORE.

Sunday’s Song

Wild hearts can’t be broken, baby girl.

It hurts, yes, but that’s growing pains.

I know you think you’re a mess, but trust momma, you’re just breaking chains years ahead of your time.

I’m proud of you. Stay woke.

No matter what anyone does, says or thinks about it, I’ll fight for us to know the truth. I’ll never surrender.

This is OUR rally cry.