As Rafiki said: It Is Time

Sometimes, maybe destiny just slaps you right in the face.

I’ve been up all night with painsomnia and stomach junk. I was feeling depleted enough at sunrise to doze off. Then my alarm woke me up (1hr and 23mins of sleep according to my FitBit. This little electronic, sin against fashion that I wear in a rose gold color upon my wrist.) I awake to not being able to see out of my right eye. This is a fun, new-ish symptom from pseudo tumor cerebri. That’s right, folks. It is literally, all in my head. My body and brain believe that there is a tumor in my body (my cerebral area; see also spinal cord) that isn’t there. This means that I have all the symptoms of a brain or spinal cord tumor however, I do not. It is as much fun as it sounds to be. To be clear that would be none for anyone who might have missed it. And also; excruciating abdominal pain that left me in the fetal position. Clearly, an awesome way to start the day.

Luckily, my trusty productively distracting iPhone was within reach and I was able to silence the alarm and also message Ms. Teenager Diva to get up for school to no avail. I call out for Tessa to go audibly, or physically, wake her up. I text my Momma and ask if she can transport today. Normally, Tessa would be the one I would ask for this, but yesterday her truck broke down in process and it was a WHOLE thing. Momma stepped in this morning.

Continuing the juggle flow I have going, I dial my psychiatrist, Dr. Loris, to painstakingly explain the current predicament which will require me to cancel, last minute, an appointment I requested ASAP less than a week ago. Frankly everything I just said is self-explanatory. There are way too many things being juggled and I cannot keep up. If my medical history has taught me anything it is: the one thing I can consistently expect is that my physical body will break down under tremendous mental stress. I obviously am a glutton for punishment because I decided to soothe my soul by self-talking shit to myself.

Loser. Burden. Shameful. Worthless.

Again, the smartphone saves me. I open the Instagram application to access a folder of saved affirmations. Before I can even get to it, one of my favorite authors has sent this brief message out to our souls:

There it was again. Another tickle in my brain making my hair stand on end. It rings the bell of one of my first and purest passions: writing. The signs point and illuminate this path again; and I cannot resist the luster.

I shall start with editing current website content. After that I will finish the drafts I have. There may be an influx of notifications, all apologies; and also it is time.

Onward.

And I quote …

There is no fight left in her. And that’s the best thing that ever happened for her.

For far too long the futile battle of light & dark has left her exhausted. She’s accepting both light & dark as the inherent gifts of the universe. She’s not in a duelling match with them. The light no longer wishes to ‘reform’ her dark, and her dark no longer wants to ‘control’ the light. Suddenly, she’s not playing the polarity game.

She’s not fooled into buying the teaching that there’s something wrong with her that needs fixing, and she’s got work to do before she’s finally ‘good’. Her divinity is in fully embracing her humanity. All of it. So where’s the imperfection?

The myth that one day light will vanquish the dark and there will be peace would have kept her exhausted & imprisoned. She’s already at peace right now! Even the light and dark within her are sitting at peace with each other. Game over.

What she’s experiencing in the ceasing of war is an unbelievable tranquillity & peace. Thank goddess she believed in her own wisdom.

Author: Joyous Woman With Sukhvinder Sircar

A higher calling

I’m not trying to catch feelings, I’m trying to build an empire.

That’s real talk.

I’m done with this low level, surface bullshit.

Yes, I’ve been broken, but it’s only taught me my capacity to love and I’ve grown and continue growing.

I’m learning to trust myself and others in ways that have been uncomfortable, but SO worth daring greatly.

I’m ready.

Bed of Lies

If I was just another girl

Then I’m ashamed to say that I’m not over you

There’s one thing I need to know

So call me when you’re not so busy just thinking of yourself…

Do you ever think of me when you lie?

Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

And I knew better than to look in your eyes

They only pretend you would be mine

And oh how you made me believe

You had me caught in every web that you weaved

But do you ever think of me when you lie?

Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

The wait for indifference

The thing that always trips me up is when actions don’t match words.

When I said: “I see you”. I really fucking meant it.

What you deemed “unstable” is what happens when you approach life with vulnerability and dare to love people exactly where they are.

I find it interesting how you cover the intimidation you feel with “logical” opinions.

That’s not alpha male. That’s tyranny. That’s your brain controlling you instead of you controlling your brain. THAT is unstable. It will never be sustainable. It’s not honorable.

Here’s your mirror.