Bed of Lies

So does she know I’ve been in that bed before?

A thousand count, and not a single thread of truth

If I was just another girl

Then I’m ashamed to say that I’m not over you

There’s one thing I need to know

So call me when you’re not so busy just thinking of yourself…

Do you ever think of me when you lie?

Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

And I knew better than to look in your eyes

They only pretend you would be mine

And oh how you made me believe

You had me caught in every web that you weaved

But do you ever think of me when you lie?

Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

Note to Self:

I know this truth will feel like a knife in your heart—but, my dear sweet woman, if he wanted to be with you, he would be.
If this man who you’ve given so much of your heart to was able to understand even one iota of what your love truly means, then he never would have turned his back on the magnificent woman you are.
Love is rarely mutual, which is why when it is, magic explodes in the brilliance of stardust.
I know it seems like perhaps it’s just bad timing—that maybe he isn’t ready for you, or even that he’s not sure he deserves you—but none of that is the point.
The only thing that matters is that if he wanted to be with you—he would be.
For when a man falls in love with a woman, nothing can stand in the way. Not life, obstacles or even one’s ideas of readiness or worthiness.
Because as much as we’d like to think otherwise, there is no real reason that he’s not beside you this evening, other than the fact that he’d rather be somewhere else.
There’s no greater pain than loving someone and having them not choose you, but the sad truth is that it’s not your fault. However, that doesn’t make it his fault either. Sometimes love just doesn’t work out the way we want it to.
Sometimes it’s just not right—and unfortunately, sometimes it is right, but we choose to walk away anyway.
I wish I could tell you that there will be someone else out there who sees everything that the other man didn’t—and when he kisses you, you’ll understand why it didn’t work out with the man who stole your heart.
However, the reality is—I can’t.
See, there are lessons in love, and sometimes we come face to face with the kind of love we have only ever dreamed of—yet that doesn’t mean it will always have a happy ending.
Sometimes, in this life, we only find something once. We can say that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that there are a number of people who can come together and be happy, and perhaps that is often true—but as you know, so much more exists to love than just happiness.
Yet, even that knowledge doesn’t make it any better—the only choice you have to make is whether you’re going to keep making excuses for a man who can’t decide if he wants you, or if you are going to choose joy instead.
Will you let go of someone who’s never been able to commit to you, and instead, make room for someone who will?
Someday, a man will come into your life, and he will simply show up for you. He will be present, he will be sure, and even if the fires don’t burn quite as passionately, he will stay where others only left.
I know that you love this man who won’t choose you, and I know that there is pain in your heart, because out of everything in this world, all you really want is for him to be there with you—but, my lovely woman, he isn’t.
Any man who really wanted to be with you wouldn’t be this conflicted about it. Maybe there would be things to figure out, or situations to discuss, but that would be something to figure out together.
Maybe it just wasn’t love for him—-or sadly, maybe it was, but he just couldn’t accept it.
We never know what each new day might bring, and while it’s tempting to just sit and wait for the perfect time—hoping that this love that feels so right might eventually come to fruition—sometimes it’s just time wasted.
We each take our own journey in this life, and sometimes these men we love truly do have to lose it all before they realize what they had—or could have had. Sometimes we need to figure things out and grow, but you must realize that if he really wanted to be with you—he would be.
All the reasons he believes about why it wouldn’t work, or why it’s foolish, would suddenly seem inconsequential in comparison to the way your eyes make his heart flutter. The obstacles and difficulties would melt in the heat you both create between you—quite simply, nothing else would matter.
And so, sometimes the only choice we have is to simply love them from afar and welcome new possibilities into our hearts, because waiting can only be done for so long before it is truly done in vain.
No one doubts your love for him, but how long do you want to love a man who refuses to love you in return?
How long will you tell yourself that perhaps tomorrow is the day he’ll decide he can’t live without you?
As difficult as it is to accept, the only reason you’re not with him right now is because he doesn’t want to be there with you. Life is pulling him in another direction—or maybe, it’s just that he’s chosen to walk down a different path. After all, that’s the thing about love—we always have a choice.
And though we may wish he’d made a different one, the reality is—he didn’t.
As much as you may love him, the reality is that if he really wanted to be with you—he would be.

On what might have been 8 years

IMG_7638I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

I’ve fallen out of love and back in since last year, just not with the same person. Occasionally, I really shake my dirt off and rise. More often, it seems as though Im sitting in my fallen hole, waiting to see if someone dares attempting my rescue or at least if anyone really notices that Ive fallen at all. That is partially my own fault though. I make-believe that Im ok when Im not. Perhaps, doing the same  thing…waiting to see if  someone dare look behind the curtain, or at least notice there is a curtain.

Maybe that’s all I have known love to be…a waiting game.

I just needed to change my perspectacles to see that maybe, just maybe, love is delicious ambiguity. An adventure, not a destination. Not anniversaries, but instead always  attempting to collect every possible experience we can together. It’s not the years in love, but the love in those years.

Im willing to take the risk. There will be times when it all falls apart at the seams, no doubt, but I’d just really appreciate, if just once, and once is all I need in this lifetime, if I could have a partner that will tug just as hard to bring them back together, over and over and again and again, as many times as it takes. That’s what I want. Not perfection, but a flawed human, with more heart than ego, willing to admit “I fucked this up and I need your help to fix it”, and follow through. Ah, the follow through. 

If anybody is wondering what the reality of remarriage is for me, that’s the only vow I want or that I ever wanted for that matter. 

Love without betrayal would be heaven, but Im not sure it exists. 

That’s what I’d like from the current love I’ve fallen in. I’d like this guy, who’s still a little stuck in the middle, as am I, to build a partnership with me. I’d like to fill in our newfound foundation with substance. I’d like us to brush the dirt off the other’s shoulder. I would like to constantly rotate the heavy pulling and lifting, equally yolked, so as one tires, the other bears more and vice versa. I’ll bend to  give him a boost and when he reaches higher heights, he doesn’t look down on me, but instead bends to pull me on level. Always give and take. You might think that’s 50/50 but you’d be wrong. It’s 100/100. When you give 100 you will inspire 100 to be given back. Never dictating it, but inspiring it.

Despite the fear of abandonment and the raw vulnerability, these are the contents of my heart’s desires laid bare. After everything, that’s no small feat and Im really proud to hold such confidence in being capable and ready and worthy of that kind of love.

If it took being broken open again and again to arrive at this capacity, I have no regrets.





The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice – – –

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

‘Mend my life!’

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations – – –

though their melancholy

was terrible. It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.
But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do – – – determined to save

the only life you could save.

~Mary Oliver

Use the blessing of your heartbreak to create a brilliantly beautiful life

He, or she, is not yours to keep.They never were. They made sure of that.
Some paths cross and intertwine for what seems like a split-second—and we want it to last longer, we plead it to last longer, we get down on our knees and pray to the wet, dewy earth because it seems like everything would be perfect if this love could just last forever.
The truth is, love dies. It withers. It evaporates. It rises into the sky like rainwater and becomes something new.

It’s a cycle we hate.
Because it’s nice and comforting and lovely to think that a relationship should go on forever, that it’s infinite—but most of the time, love is a chapter, a single sentence, a page, a riveting, prose-soaked paragraph—not a whole book.
Most of the time, love is temporary.
What a goddamn tragedy, right? But it doesn’t have to be. It can be beautiful. It can be inspiring.
Yet so often, we sit alone in our rooms, tears pouring from our eyes, trying to pull together the frayed edges of a broken love and weave it into something real, something that would make us less lonely, something that could mean something deeper. We obsess over what could have been, what could have worked, if only this, if only that and blah, blah, blah. Maybe they were the one, after all?
Maybe. But mostly, that’s bullshit.

There has to be a better way to live. And there is.
It starts with the truth: it didn’t work out. If it would have worked, your hearts would be together right now. There would be no question. There would be no attempting to glue things back together with your tears and shaky hands.
When love is broken, let it be
And yes, your heart might be broken, too. But it’s okay. It’s so okay, in ways you can’t taste yet. It’s a blessing. And I know it hurts, it hurts like hell—disappointment crashes around you like fragile china, and it feels terrible, suffocating and vile, like cheap cologne.

But it’s okay. Set it all down. Set down the grief. The pain. The gut-wrenching agony of everything you’ve been carrying around.
Set it all down. Just for a second.


Feel tingly new life and promising possibilities pour into you with every inhale—feel stale air barrel out of you with each exhale.

When you’re ready, release your hands from the clutching, the clinging, the clawing onto fumes of what could have been. Use the depths of your pain to weave something new—like maybe, your own dreams.
What is your deepest, most delicious passion?
What does your soul taste like?
What do you want to leave behind when you die?
Redirect your energy.
The energy of heartbreak is as intense as a crashing sea, and if harnessed properly—it can be a magical time of awakening. It’s not about suppressing pain or pretending like we aren’t hurting—but rather, to gently spin the rawness of that energy in a new direction—in the direction of growth and inspiration, rather than stale, lackluster longing.
We spend so much time worrying about love. When it will come. When it will end. Why did it end? Do they love us back? Will he call? Will she reject me again?

We need perspective. We need to zoom out. We need to do other shit. Awesome shit. Breathtaking shit. Soul-igniting, toe-curling shit that makes us smile a smile so big it could swallow the stars and crack open the sky.
I know we always say life is short, but it’s long, too—strung together of hours and minutes and seconds that can feel very long indeed, like watching paint dry, when we feel unease inside our bones.
So how do you want to spend your hours, your minutes—your life?
Open your eyes. There’s a whole, vast, wonderful world out there to explore. To experience. To taste. To fall in love with. 
There are evergreen mountaintops, joyous friends, wet forest floors, and the comforting sweetness of family. There are poems, melty mango sunrises and even meltier, mouthwatering sunsets. There are juicy hugs, inspiring ideas that change our lives, the earthy smell in the air after it rains, stranger’s ruby smiles, travel, disease, poverty, and death. I know, it’s not all pretty.

But it’s real. And our worries about love? Well, they’re not always so real.
Stop, for one second, searching and longing so hard for love—stop obsessing, overthinking, and exhausting yourself in a sea of sputtering worries and fragile hopes and a thousand what-if scenarios.
Relax, sweet soul. Settle into your skin instead.
Settle into your delicious skin so deeply that you begin to hear the hushed whispers of your spirit spring to life.
What if you searched half as hard for your dreams as you do for love?
What if you searched for your soul instead?
What if you delved inside and found the gritty, wild passion that drives you?
It’s all about energy. Where do you want to put yours?
Because sure, we can spend our days fixated on whether or not he likes us, if she’ll call. Hell, we’ve all done that. But is there a more fruitful pursuit that calls your name?

Is there a gorgeous passion that sings to your soul?
Is there a way you could benefit the world, in some uniquely beautiful way?
Do it.
Now’s the perfect time to do all the awesome things you always said you would, but never actually did.
Paint yourself to luscious life, in the most inspired way ever. Redirect your energy to your own heart. Reconnect with your wildest, most succulent dreams. Invest in your soul. Tend kindly to your needs as you would a sexy new love interest.
Use the blessing of your heartbreak to create a brilliantly beautiful life. 
And the wildest, most infuriating thing of all is that when we are lit up—energized, galvanized and living our dreams with an abundance of passion—love will find us. It can’t help but find us. It will smack us over the heads. Love will weave itself into everything we do, it will blossom all around us like lilacs in the Spring.

But take this time for you. Just for you.
Take this time—not just so you can one day find love—but so you can find yourself.
It’s all about energy.
Where do you want to put yours?

Fucking Furious

This post is brought to you by voice to text. It will not be edited. Hell, it may not even be read again. All I can tell you is that I’m infuriated. I am sick to death of people who take no accountability for their lives and circumstances and play the victim. Especially when there are actual victims they have hurt and left in their wake. 

I have officially moved on in my grief cycle and am done with denial and sadness. 

I’m fucking furious.