A higher calling

I’m not trying to catch feelings, I’m trying to build an empire.

That’s real talk.

I’m done with this low level, surface bullshit.

Yes, I’ve been broken, but it’s only taught me my capacity to love and I’ve grown and continue growing.

I’m learning to trust myself and others in ways that have been uncomfortable, but SO worth daring greatly.

I’m ready.

And I quote …

There is no fight left in her. And that’s the best thing that ever happened for her.

For far too long the futile battle of light & dark has left her exhausted. She’s accepting both light & dark as the inherent gifts of the universe. She’s not in a duelling match with them. The light no longer wishes to ‘reform’ her dark, and her dark no longer wants to ‘control’ the light. Suddenly, she’s not playing the polarity game.

She’s not fooled into buying the teaching that there’s something wrong with her that needs fixing, and she’s got work to do before she’s finally ‘good’. Her divinity is in fully embracing her humanity. All of it. So where’s the imperfection?

The myth that one day light will vanquish the dark and there will be peace would have kept her exhausted & imprisoned. She’s already at peace right now! Even the light and dark within her are sitting at peace with each other. Game over.

What she’s experiencing in the ceasing of war is an unbelievable tranquillity & peace. Thank goddess she believed in her own wisdom.

Author: Joyous Woman With Sukhvinder Sircar

Bed of Lies

If I was just another girl

Then I’m ashamed to say that I’m not over you

There’s one thing I need to know

So call me when you’re not so busy just thinking of yourself…

Do you ever think of me when you lie?

Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

And I knew better than to look in your eyes

They only pretend you would be mine

And oh how you made me believe

You had me caught in every web that you weaved

But do you ever think of me when you lie?

Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

The wait for indifference

The thing that always trips me up is when actions don’t match words.

When I said: “I see you”. I really fucking meant it.

What you deemed “unstable” is what happens when you approach life with vulnerability and dare to love people exactly where they are.

I find it interesting how you cover the intimidation you feel with “logical” opinions.

That’s not alpha male. That’s tyranny. That’s your brain controlling you instead of you controlling your brain. THAT is unstable. It will never be sustainable. It’s not honorable.

Here’s your mirror.

Note to Self:

I know this truth will feel like a knife in your heart—but, my dear sweet woman, if he wanted to be with you, he would be.
If this man who you’ve given so much of your heart to was able to understand even one iota of what your love truly means, then he never would have turned his back on the magnificent woman you are.
Love is rarely mutual, which is why when it is, magic explodes in the brilliance of stardust.
I know it seems like perhaps it’s just bad timing—that maybe he isn’t ready for you, or even that he’s not sure he deserves you—but none of that is the point.
The only thing that matters is that if he wanted to be with you—he would be.
For when a man falls in love with a woman, nothing can stand in the way. Not life, obstacles or even one’s ideas of readiness or worthiness.
Nothing.
Because as much as we’d like to think otherwise, there is no real reason that he’s not beside you this evening, other than the fact that he’d rather be somewhere else.
There’s no greater pain than loving someone and having them not choose you, but the sad truth is that it’s not your fault. However, that doesn’t make it his fault either. Sometimes love just doesn’t work out the way we want it to.
Sometimes it’s just not right—and unfortunately, sometimes it is right, but we choose to walk away anyway.
I wish I could tell you that there will be someone else out there who sees everything that the other man didn’t—and when he kisses you, you’ll understand why it didn’t work out with the man who stole your heart.
However, the reality is—I can’t.
See, there are lessons in love, and sometimes we come face to face with the kind of love we have only ever dreamed of—yet that doesn’t mean it will always have a happy ending.
Sometimes, in this life, we only find something once. We can say that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that there are a number of people who can come together and be happy, and perhaps that is often true—but as you know, so much more exists to love than just happiness.
Yet, even that knowledge doesn’t make it any better—the only choice you have to make is whether you’re going to keep making excuses for a man who can’t decide if he wants you, or if you are going to choose joy instead.
Will you let go of someone who’s never been able to commit to you, and instead, make room for someone who will?
Someday, a man will come into your life, and he will simply show up for you. He will be present, he will be sure, and even if the fires don’t burn quite as passionately, he will stay where others only left.
I know that you love this man who won’t choose you, and I know that there is pain in your heart, because out of everything in this world, all you really want is for him to be there with you—but, my lovely woman, he isn’t.
Any man who really wanted to be with you wouldn’t be this conflicted about it. Maybe there would be things to figure out, or situations to discuss, but that would be something to figure out together.
Maybe it just wasn’t love for him—-or sadly, maybe it was, but he just couldn’t accept it.
We never know what each new day might bring, and while it’s tempting to just sit and wait for the perfect time—hoping that this love that feels so right might eventually come to fruition—sometimes it’s just time wasted.
We each take our own journey in this life, and sometimes these men we love truly do have to lose it all before they realize what they had—or could have had. Sometimes we need to figure things out and grow, but you must realize that if he really wanted to be with you—he would be.
All the reasons he believes about why it wouldn’t work, or why it’s foolish, would suddenly seem inconsequential in comparison to the way your eyes make his heart flutter. The obstacles and difficulties would melt in the heat you both create between you—quite simply, nothing else would matter.
And so, sometimes the only choice we have is to simply love them from afar and welcome new possibilities into our hearts, because waiting can only be done for so long before it is truly done in vain.
No one doubts your love for him, but how long do you want to love a man who refuses to love you in return?
How long will you tell yourself that perhaps tomorrow is the day he’ll decide he can’t live without you?
As difficult as it is to accept, the only reason you’re not with him right now is because he doesn’t want to be there with you. Life is pulling him in another direction—or maybe, it’s just that he’s chosen to walk down a different path. After all, that’s the thing about love—we always have a choice.
And though we may wish he’d made a different one, the reality is—he didn’t.
As much as you may love him, the reality is that if he really wanted to be with you—he would be.

On what might have been 8 years

IMG_7638I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

I’ve fallen out of love and back in since last year, just not with the same person. Occasionally, I really shake my dirt off and rise. More often, it seems as though Im sitting in my fallen hole, waiting to see if someone dares attempting my rescue or at least if anyone really notices that Ive fallen at all. That is partially my own fault though. I make-believe that Im ok when Im not. Perhaps, doing the same  thing…waiting to see if  someone dare look behind the curtain, or at least notice there is a curtain.

Maybe that’s all I have known love to be…a waiting game.

I just needed to change my perspectacles to see that maybe, just maybe, love is delicious ambiguity. An adventure, not a destination. Not anniversaries, but instead always  attempting to collect every possible experience we can together. It’s not the years in love, but the love in those years.

Im willing to take the risk. There will be times when it all falls apart at the seams, no doubt, but I’d just really appreciate, if just once, and once is all I need in this lifetime, if I could have a partner that will tug just as hard to bring them back together, over and over and again and again, as many times as it takes. That’s what I want. Not perfection, but a flawed human, with more heart than ego, willing to admit “I fucked this up and I need your help to fix it”, and follow through. Ah, the follow through. 

If anybody is wondering what the reality of remarriage is for me, that’s the only vow I want or that I ever wanted for that matter. 

Love without betrayal would be heaven, but Im not sure it exists. 

That’s what I’d like from the current love I’ve fallen in. I’d like this guy, who’s still a little stuck in the middle, as am I, to build a partnership with me. I’d like to fill in our newfound foundation with substance. I’d like us to brush the dirt off the other’s shoulder. I would like to constantly rotate the heavy pulling and lifting, equally yolked, so as one tires, the other bears more and vice versa. I’ll bend to  give him a boost and when he reaches higher heights, he doesn’t look down on me, but instead bends to pull me on level. Always give and take. You might think that’s 50/50 but you’d be wrong. It’s 100/100. When you give 100 you will inspire 100 to be given back. Never dictating it, but inspiring it.

Despite the fear of abandonment and the raw vulnerability, these are the contents of my heart’s desires laid bare. After everything, that’s no small feat and Im really proud to hold such confidence in being capable and ready and worthy of that kind of love.

If it took being broken open again and again to arrive at this capacity, I have no regrets.