Down the rabbit hole …

Had a complete meltdown in my doctors office this morning and in an instant, I had a plan to die and knew I’d never make it home if I left. Sitting in that room, sifting through the past month’s tests and prescriptions, hearing that staying the course is the only way through. I told her that I felt overwhelmed emotionally and was physically immobilized. I can’t be poked anymore, tested, gnaw at my nails awaiting test results while my vision sporadically leaves.

There’s just no words to describe how weary I’ve grown. Yes, I’m a strong woman, but this appears to be my tapping out for the time being.

Now, I sit in an emergency room a few floors down from my doctor’s office with a 1on1 nurse. I’m still in pain. My circumstances have only gotten worse by choosing this path to take care of myself.

Fuckin A.

I feel complete hopelessness. Everything feels nihilistic.

And I quote…

” The pills do work, then?”

 “Yes. Mostly. They work but sometimes I don’t work even harder. I’m too broken for the glue to hold without the occasional failure, I’m afraid. I can function perfectly for quite some time, but then…. well something will bump into me and I will shatter”

Note to Self

“You’re not crazy, Stephanie. You’re dealing with a near impossible situation that’s devastating. Frankly, I don’t know how you get out of bed everyday, much less remain functional while someone continues to actively break your heart.  That’s not even close to crazy, that’s brave.  Anybody who doesn’t see that, respect it or makes you question it for a second, just doesn’t get it.

One piece of advice: watch what people do, not what they say. It always tells you everything you need to know.”

~ My psychiatrist

Top Ten Quotes on PTSD

Best description of PTSD Ive ever read …
“It is as though some old part of yourself wakes up in you, terrified, useless in the life you have, its skills and habits destructive but intact, and what is left of the present you, the person you have become, wilts and shrivels in sadness or despair: the person you have become is only a thin shell over this other, more electric and endangered self. The strongest, the least digested parts of your experience can rise up and put you back where you were when they occurred; all the rest of you stands back and weeps.”

The time I lost my mind

Just over 2 weeks ago, the day after Mother’s Day to be exact, I drew a glass of water and set it next to a bottle of pills. I was done.

I had simply had enough of everything I do in life being futile, taking the high road only for it to bite me in the ass while the low life, pieces of shit seem too multiply in numbers daily and always seem to come up smelling like roses. It’s sickening.

Im sick of watching my kids hurt and to be sincerely helpless in curing what ails them. There’s something seriously fucked up about your kids’ “father” (I am using that term VERY loosely) walk out of their lives to avoid child support and drug testing. Even more so…trying to find words to comfort your 11year child cope with his best friend being terminally ill with cancer? Simply unfathomable.

I cant process it but somehow a semi supportive babble finds its way out of my mouth to this young man’s mother, whom I have developed a very close, personal relationship with. My husband has befriended the Dad. We go to the hospital and treat them to a meal in the cafeteria or sit during chemo, where my jedi being this amazing, other-worldly creation who gets in the over-sized hospital bed, where no kid should occupy, next to his friend, reading letters from classmates, playing video games….

And if none of this was enough, I lost a baby and the majority of eye sight. Enough. Who is this God who will never give us more than we can handle? Why can’t I get my shit together and suck up when this boy’s Mom, she’s a tower of strength?

How any higher power found it fitting to grace me with a baby, only to decide it wasnt meant to be after all the down in the muck, bullshit I’ve been through, OH! and then slap me with a life altering disability which rendered me unemployed and completely co-dependent on others is just…beyond words. Watching the horror of this cancer ravaging a child’s body…no words.

Honestly, if you had told me a year ago that I, ME, would ever come remotely close to a suicidal thought, much less developing a plan and acting on one I would’nt have believed it, but then this world had always been too cruel and my heart too tender. Long ago, before….well I had considered suicide to be the most cowardly, selfish way out, but Ive gotta say that in my mind that day, in my nightgown at 2pm, eyes bloodshot from crying all day and my trembling hand holding that glass of water, I believed in my heart of hearts that I was a burden to my family and that they would be better off without me.
THAT IS CRAZY! It is. I know it is. Killing myself would destroy my husband and kids, and my Jedi…that is the most horrific thing I keep thinking about now.  How the hell I arrived at this conclusion is a really good question, but one I may never be able to offer any reasonable explanation for.

It really is a miracle that I turned and walked away. I have a sneaking suspicion that my Uncle was the angel on my shoulder that made the difference. He committed suicide two years ago this fall. Im convinced he too was trapped in error thinking that made him feel his own disabling condition rendered him a burden to his wife and that he was relieving her from a burden she would not otherwise walk away from. What a lie!! Everything that happened after his death was nothing he would ve wanted for her, the love of his life.

Just like him the issue in my case isnt a lack of fulfillment or love. I have a wonderful husband. Honestly, the man should be nominated for sainthood. He calls me beautiful when Im in sweats and no makeup, he whole-heartedly loves “our” children as our children, he’s a good man who I adore and am completely devoted to. My beautiful children, my world, are the most precious, delightful people I have had the great privelege of not only knowing, but raising and watching become AH-MAZING, productive, well-adjusted wonders. You see it wasnt that they werent good enough for me, I didnt feel worthy of them.

(sigh)

My husband found me locked in our bedroom, balling my eyes out. To say he was scared for me is a severe underestimate. He spoke to my doctor and they both convinced me to go to the ER to be checked out. I was admitted. After talking with a psychiatrist at length, it was determined that the combo of medication a neurologist had prescribed to aide with the severe eye pain which accompanied my vision loss, migraines and “consequential depression” was what actually pushed me into this emotional breakdown.

As I have known for awhile, I get manic and guess what? Manic AND depressive people need different medications than tranditionally depressed people! (Oh, and its not manic depressive anymore, its just bipolar or bipolar II in my case, but nobody wants to say that because people will think they’re crazy. Just FYI.) What ensued from that AHA! moment was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced, withdrawl.

oh.         My.       GAWD.
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AND THE FOLLOWING IS NOTHING MORE THAN MY OWN OPINION AND EXPERIENCE.
I had mind altering migraines and electrical shocks that corsed through my whole head, down my spine and extremities. I had terrifying dreams and waking nightmares, nausea, dizziness and the worst body aches EVER. My joints, muscles and skin hurt. I literally hurt to the touch, which made it very difficult to sit, sleep…anything, everything hurt. That’s pretty much all I remember of the first five days.

After 8 days, I was properly medificated (yes, thats my word) and discharged into a partial hospitalization therapy program. Its all group based which has been difficult for me. I either feel like I need to help save everyone after hearing their stories or feel much more depressed. I guess the one big positive is that everyone comes from different walks of life with different problems, but we’re all there and we’re not alone.

(You’re not alone. If you or someone you know needs help, please call: 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Let your story TO BE CONTINUED, not THE END)