The last few days have been the most welcomed and also confusing. Toes in sand, drink in hand. Extending framily, … indefinitely. No, that’s not it. As I sit here in the airport, headed back “home”, with tears brimming my eyes and my words failing me, I can’t place my finger on the how/why I had been wounded.
Then this played through my headphones:
“I thought that I didn’t care, I thought I was love impaired, but baby, I don’t know what Im gon’ do….. I’m crying Cuz I Love You”
Well, damn. There it is.
This week while inpatient, I learned that Im still perfect even when Im fucked up because Im being myself. I was able to reach out and make deep connections despite intense personal suffering and I was told directly of it’s impact by a handful of people. You may think, ‘only a handful?’ and while you may be right, to meet people where they are and love them exactly as they are, unconditionally, I find is hard work that not all humans are capable. It seems to be my superpower.
WHAT IT WAS:
A gentleman I thought had left the scene called this evening to ask me about my day.
(AND whatta a day it’s been.) Since I require immediate medical attention tomorrow morning, he told me he would pick me up, stay with me through aforementioned medical intervention, transport me to his house and provide a soft place for me to fall and recover for 24 hours per doctor’s orders.
WHAT IT FELT LIKE:
Lyrics on my heart today: “Don’t mind if I fall apart; there’s more room in a broken heart.” Carly Simon, Coming Around Again
it’s a lot like love, but i won’t call it that.
i’ll just enjoy it while it lasts.
I’m so in love with my life right now.
All of it.
The good, the bad and the ugly. No matter what I’ve done or where I’ve been, it has got me here and despite the struggles, looking back through it all is quite a beautiful sight..
Jer signed a year lease on his own place and is in the process of moving all his big ticket items out of the house. I guess that makes the separation “official”.
I had hoped that something different would happen, anything. I kept hoping he’d be the one guy in my life to stand up and fight for me, but instead I’m just here shadowboxing, prepared to swing at something, anything.
He had said that his intentions were to take this time and space to work on his own issues so that if we stood a fighting chance, he’d be able to fight. Words vs. actions doesn’t seem that way though. Im grown enough to recognize that.
As his best friend was helping him move out yesterday, I heard him say, “If this is a bluff, I’m not helping you move your shit back in.” It made my gut drop. My gut said this was something I couldn’t ignore. That’s his best friend. What exactly, if anything, has he said to him about his intentions?
I don’t know. I just don’t want to deal with any of this. I’d just like to awaken when all the dust is settled and decisions are made so I know what to do. And so, we have this Sunday’s song …