Sunday’s Song

This week while inpatient, I learned that Im still perfect even when Im fucked up because Im being myself. I was able to reach out and make deep connections despite intense personal suffering and I was told directly of it’s impact by a handful of people. You may think, ‘only a handful?’ and while you may be right, to meet people where they are and love them exactly as they are, unconditionally, I find is hard work that not all humans are capable. It seems to be my superpower.

A gentleman caller

WHAT IT WAS:
A gentleman I thought had left the scene called this evening to ask me about my day.
(AND whatta a day it’s been.) Since I require immediate medical attention tomorrow morning, he told me he would pick me up, stay with me through aforementioned medical intervention, transport me to his house and provide a soft place for me to fall and recover for 24 hours per doctor’s orders.

WHAT IT FELT LIKE:

wayjtogocarla

Lyrics on my heart today: “Don’t mind if I fall apart; there’s more room in a broken heart.” Carly Simon, Coming Around Again

Bed of Lies

If I was just another girl

Then I’m ashamed to say that I’m not over you

There’s one thing I need to know

So call me when you’re not so busy just thinking of yourself…

Do you ever think of me when you lie?

Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

And I knew better than to look in your eyes

They only pretend you would be mine

And oh how you made me believe

You had me caught in every web that you weaved

But do you ever think of me when you lie?

Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

Sunday’s Song

Jer signed a year lease on his own place and is in the process of moving all his big ticket items out of the house. I guess that makes the separation “official”.

I had hoped that something different would happen, anything. I kept hoping he’d be the one guy in my life to stand up and fight for me, but instead I’m just here shadowboxing, prepared to swing at something, anything.

He had said that his intentions were to take this time and space to work on his own issues so that if we stood a fighting chance, he’d be able to fight. Words vs. actions doesn’t seem that way though. Im grown enough to recognize that. 

As his best friend was helping him move out yesterday, I heard him say, “If this is a bluff, I’m not helping you move your shit back in.” It made my gut drop. My gut said this was something I couldn’t ignore. That’s his best friend. What exactly, if anything, has he said to him about his intentions? 

I don’t know. I just don’t want to deal with any of this. I’d just like to awaken when all the dust is settled and decisions are made so I know what to do. And so, we have this Sunday’s song …

Waiting Game 

I’m thinking it over
The way you make me feel all sexy but it’s causing me shame
I wanna lean on your shoulder
I wish I was in love but I don’t wanna cause any pain
And if I’m feeling like I’m evil, we’ve got nothing to gain
What if I never even see you cuz we’re both on a stage
Don’t tell me listen to your song because it isn’t the same
I don’t wanna say your love is a waiting game
Baby I’m thinking it over
What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start
What if it only gets colder
Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart
Cuz lately I’ve been scared of even thinking ’bout where we are
What if I never even see you cuz we’re both on a stage
Don’t tell me listen to your song because it isn’t the same
I don’t wanna say your love is a waiting  game

via: Banks

Foul Play

This morning I was accosted by a song. 

I recognized the melody immediately. Tim McGraw. 

When all our tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in me
Way down deep inside my heart

I knew every word as it came, even as I tried to block the weight of it out. A song that takes me back to a time of bittersweet. I guess a time when I still believed the lines meant something. Something I wish I still believed. 

Just like the waves down by the shore
We’re gonna keep on comin’ back for more
‘Cause we don’t ever want to stop

But we could and we did and I want to forget. I want to forget that I ever believed that I was something more than small that could be cast aside.  I want to forget that revelation. 

Late at night when you’re not sleeping
And moonlight falls across your floor
And I can’t hurt you anymore

I wish that were true. No, I could not even pretend, as I may like to, that was true. Even now. It hurts. I don’t want things to be like this. 

Please remember me

No. I’d like to forget you as I know you now. I’d like to live with the nostalgic notion of you. Somebody that I used to know.