Jer signed a year lease on his own place and is in the process of moving all his big ticket items out of the house. I guess that makes the separation “official”.
I had hoped that something different would happen, anything. I kept hoping he’d be the one guy in my life to stand up and fight for me, but instead I’m just here shadowboxing, prepared to swing at something, anything.
He had said that his intentions were to take this time and space to work on his own issues so that if we stood a fighting chance, he’d be able to fight. Words vs. actions doesn’t seem that way though. Im grown enough to recognize that.
As his best friend was helping him move out yesterday, I heard him say, “If this is a bluff, I’m not helping you move your shit back in.” It made my gut drop. My gut said this was something I couldn’t ignore. That’s his best friend. What exactly, if anything, has he said to him about his intentions?
I don’t know. I just don’t want to deal with any of this. I’d just like to awaken when all the dust is settled and decisions are made so I know what to do. And so, we have this Sunday’s song …
There’s something about Easter, or resurrection Sunday that makes me reflect on my trials and triumphs. The sweet and the sour. It may be the gospel of just three days separating such a horrific event leading to the most glorious day the world has ever known. Maybe it’s the suggestion that new life can be breathed into even the most impossible situations. Whatever it is I just come away from it … grateful.
For all of it.
The good, the bad and the ugly. No matter what I’ve done or where I’ve been, it has got me here and despite the struggles, looking back through it all is quite a beautiful sight.
It just so happens that I watched ‘Beyond the Lights‘ last night and discovered the perfect song and lyrics for exactly what it is I’m trying to convey.
This morning I was accosted by a song.
I recognized the melody immediately. Tim McGraw.
When all our tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in me
Way down deep inside my heart
I knew every word as it came, even as I tried to block the weight of it out. A song that takes me back to a time of bittersweet. I guess a time when I still believed the lines meant something. Something I wish I still believed.
Just like the waves down by the shore
We’re gonna keep on comin’ back for more
‘Cause we don’t ever want to stop
But we could and we did and I want to forget. I want to forget that I ever believed that I was something more than small that could be cast aside. I want to forget that revelation.
Late at night when you’re not sleeping
And moonlight falls across your floor
And I can’t hurt you anymore
I wish that were true. No, I could not even pretend, as I may like to, that was true. Even now. It hurts. I don’t want things to be like this.
Please remember me
No. I’d like to forget you as I know you now. I’d like to live with the nostalgic notion of you. Somebody that I used to know.
Because I’m trying to ‘Hold On‘, I give you Alabama Shakes, my friends.
“Just sing what you feel, dont let anyone tell you it’s wrong.”
~Wilco, “What Light”
This Sunday’s song is Christina Aguilera’s “Vanity“.
It’s all about fun and sassy.
As I’m trying to find the fun side of dropping weight due to being so sick this week and getting my new glasses … it’s my current psyche. So, let’s crank it up and enjoy ourselves.
That’s all I have to say about that. ❤
The day after tomorrow, I have an appointment with my neuro-opthamologist. I have finally decided to ATTEMPT to get my driver’s license back.
I have not driven in over 4 years. That was when my vision loss began and because my other symptoms were so unmanageable, I had to surrender my license. It wasn’t until late last year when a cardiologist mentioned to me that it MIGHT be possible for me to get my license, with medical restrictions, that I even allowed myself to consider the possibility. When you go from being a working mother to a reluctant housewife with children and no way to get around accept depending on others for transportation, it really sucks. Being dependent on other people is not something I’m good at. One of things I promised myself when I left an abusive marriage years ago was that I would never put myself in the position to be dependent on others again. Life had other plans.
After all that has been said in done medically, I have learned how to get myself functional in certain situations. There are others that are completely out of my control that I still struggle with but learning to letting go has been one of the biggest challenges of my life as well.
As I started this year, I was reading “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown and I made a resolution to do so more often. So, I will go with all my necessary modifications in hand, daring greatly, to discover new possibilities and potential. I will not balk at having to look or feel disabled. I will try. I will continue to fight the good fight.
That’s what this Sunday’s Song is all about.