And I quote …

“Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There’s always some reason

To feel not good enough

And it’s hard, at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh, beautiful release

Memories seep from my veins

And maybe empty

Oh, and weightless, and maybe

I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel

Fly away from here

From this dark, cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

There’s vultures and thieves at your back

The storm keeps on twisting

Keep on building the lies

That you make up for all that you lack

It don’t make no difference

Escape one last time

It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness

Oh, this glorious sadness

That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel

Fly away from here

From this dark, cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here”

~ Sarah McLachlan

Sunday’s Song

“Rise”

I won’t just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can’t write my story
I’m beyond the archetypeI won’t just conform
No matter how you shake my core
‘Cause my roots—they run deep, oh

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I’ll fight it, I’ll fight it
I will transform

When, when the fire’s at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They’re whispering, “You’re out of time,”
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed

‘Cause when, when the fire’s at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They’re whispering, “You’re out of time,”
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

 

Sunday’s Song

Jer signed a year lease on his own place and is in the process of moving all his big ticket items out of the house. I guess that makes the separation “official”.

I had hoped that something different would happen, anything. I kept hoping he’d be the one guy in my life to stand up and fight for me, but instead I’m just here shadowboxing, prepared to swing at something, anything.

He had said that his intentions were to take this time and space to work on his own issues so that if we stood a fighting chance, he’d be able to fight. Words vs. actions doesn’t seem that way though. Im grown enough to recognize that. 

As his best friend was helping him move out yesterday, I heard him say, “If this is a bluff, I’m not helping you move your shit back in.” It made my gut drop. My gut said this was something I couldn’t ignore. That’s his best friend. What exactly, if anything, has he said to him about his intentions? 

I don’t know. I just don’t want to deal with any of this. I’d just like to awaken when all the dust is settled and decisions are made so I know what to do. And so, we have this Sunday’s song …

Waiting Game 

I’m thinking it over
The way you make me feel all sexy but it’s causing me shame
I wanna lean on your shoulder
I wish I was in love but I don’t wanna cause any pain
And if I’m feeling like I’m evil, we’ve got nothing to gain
What if I never even see you cuz we’re both on a stage
Don’t tell me listen to your song because it isn’t the same
I don’t wanna say your love is a waiting game
Baby I’m thinking it over
What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start
What if it only gets colder
Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart
Cuz lately I’ve been scared of even thinking ’bout where we are
What if I never even see you cuz we’re both on a stage
Don’t tell me listen to your song because it isn’t the same
I don’t wanna say your love is a waiting  game

via: Banks

Sunday’s Song

There’s something about Easter, or resurrection Sunday that makes me reflect on my trials and triumphs. The sweet and the sour. It may be the gospel of just three days separating such a horrific event leading to the most glorious day the world has ever known. Maybe it’s the suggestion that new life can be breathed into even the most impossible situations. Whatever it is I just come away from it … grateful.

For all of it.
The good, the bad and the ugly. No matter what I’ve done or where I’ve been, it has got me here and despite the struggles, looking back through it all is quite a beautiful sight.

It just so happens that I watched ‘Beyond the Lights‘ last night and discovered the perfect song and lyrics for exactly what it is I’m trying to convey.

Foul Play

This morning I was accosted by a song. 

I recognized the melody immediately. Tim McGraw. 

When all our tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in me
Way down deep inside my heart

I knew every word as it came, even as I tried to block the weight of it out. A song that takes me back to a time of bittersweet. I guess a time when I still believed the lines meant something. Something I wish I still believed. 

Just like the waves down by the shore
We’re gonna keep on comin’ back for more
‘Cause we don’t ever want to stop

But we could and we did and I want to forget. I want to forget that I ever believed that I was something more than small that could be cast aside.  I want to forget that revelation. 

Late at night when you’re not sleeping
And moonlight falls across your floor
And I can’t hurt you anymore

I wish that were true. No, I could not even pretend, as I may like to, that was true. Even now. It hurts. I don’t want things to be like this. 

Please remember me

No. I’d like to forget you as I know you now. I’d like to live with the nostalgic notion of you. Somebody that I used to know.