Sunday’s Song

I have a wild heart. It loves fiercely. My heart is always in search for the wounded. I don’t come to prey upon them. I understand their pain. I take the wounded in and give them safe space. When the wounded are met where they are and loved unconditionally  exactly as they are, they become more resilient and the truest version of themselves.

For reasons that have eluded me until today, they don’t stay. Once my wounded are bound, they gain confidence and before I know it, they’re on their way. That’s the double-edged sword for people who love unconditionally.  Unconditional lovers feel great contentment when someone they were able to guide, or restore in some way, contributes to humanity. After all, what greater cause is there? We stay rooting on the sidelines and also; we often go home alone, never having had an expectation of anything resembling appreciation. There is no debt for services rendered. Then, without further obligation the transaction is closed.

Today it occurred to me that not everyone appreciates the power of love. I want to believe the misunderstanding and fear has to do with their past alleged experiences with “love” and not some deeply imbedded fuckedupedness on my part. I think back on my own experiences and understand, but I will not digress. I will not hide. I will not refuse to love when someone loves me because someone else did it different, or not at all, in the past. I will not cease to plan and do, because of prior trials erred. I won’t cower. I won’t run when it looks like love. I won’t bow. I’ll be here in the arena with my hands in the air ready to fight for love. I’d like a partner in love and life, fighting in the name of love WITH ME, but I don’t need anyone to fight battles FOR ME. If a faithful warrior does not manifest, I know I’m scrappy enough to stand on my own.

Still, just once, I’d like to see it. I’d like to see a wounded warrior rise up and take my side.

I’d like to have an endless supply of unconditional love to spread healing to as many wounded as humanly possibly. Everybody hurts, however, suffering is a choice. There is no need for humanity to suffer in dire straits for love. There is enough to go around. I have to believe that, for us anyway…if you’d let us love.

I love you

That’s what he said.

When I asked what made him say that his response was:

“I don’t know. I don’t want to lose you over three words.”

Since then, I’ve been nauseous.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Competing with men’s comfort zones is pulling me apart. Everything is never ending.

I believe in love

I was at a punk/metal bar tonight because they were hosting a chick book club’s PRIDE drag show fundraiser.

Stop and read that again.

Punks. Metalheads. Nerds. LGBT. Black. White.

Let me add: I watched a young man pray with his now sister before they took the stage TOGETHER. An 80-something Grandma got on stage with the chick lits and danced to En Vogue’s ‘Free Your Mind’.

I really took it in. It was love.

It was really fuckin rad and beautiful.

The Trip

Flexing my courage muscle and reconnecting with my sense of adventure, led me on a trip I had never taken before. Mentally. I am safe and have a most excellent trip sitter. When he feels me revealing vulnerability, he takes off his shirt to even our spiritual levels. I cannot take my eyes off of him. He feels like looking in a mirror. He meets my compassion and intimacy. We lay together until the darkness is all around. It’s not a scary darkness. It’s peaceful. Stars twinkle and lightning bugs are aglow. I am in child like wonder. I move to sit on the old, worn wooden floor, but staying close enough to simultaneously touch him, only if I need to, so as to stay grounded. It feels as though everything in the universe in somehow geometrically revealing itself to me. I see the ways all energy is connected. I feel an immense understanding and gratitude in my soul. Silence has never sounded so good. The crickets, frogs and owls all singing with the wind. I close my eyes. In my mind’s eye, I sit in the center of a mass, bountiful forest on the ground’s dirt. Moonlight spotlights me here. In its beam I can see memories very vividly. Things I had not thought of in years.

Memories:

Childhood trauma, but in a way that was healing and a release. Everything made sense.

– My Aunt going “missing” while I was spending the night and my cousins telling me that their Dad was going to kill her.

– Arguments between Mom and Dad. Holes punched in the wall. Being awaken and packing up belongings, secretly, in the middle of the night.

– My Dad being distraught after witnessing a woman jump to her death.

– My parents having an argument on a road trip. Stopping Mom from removing a bottle of pills from her purse. My memory suggests she was suicidal.

– Distracting my little sister (7) with playing music and coloring in my room as a teenager and covertly sneaking and calling my Nana when I believed my Mom was suicidal and begging her to pick up her bedroom phone, while on a cordless on the other side of the door.

Revelations:

I always have music playing. This was a coping mechanism for myself and a protection for my little sister.

The only hope for a better future is to stop hoping for a better past.

The perfection in timing of bearing my children, earlier than planned, but right on time and before I would not be able to. The one experience I cannot imagine my life without.

Everyone is just a person and therefore FLAWED.

The devil on our shoulder is self-serving while the angel is concerned with serving others in love. Is hell then a society made up of the self-serving devils and heaven a society made of people serving one another in love?

I feel love. I just feel love for everything and everyone. Love, love. All you need is love.<3

And coming down from Cloud 9, was a mighty fine ride (13 years in the making).

Whatever this is…I want MORE.

Note to Self

Darkness is lack of light, as sin is lack of love. It has no unique properties of its own. It is an example of the “scarcity” fallacy, from which only error can proceed. Truth is always abundant. Those who perceive and acknowledge that they have everything have no need for driven behavior of any kind.

~ A Course in Miracles