Never is a Promise and I’ll never need a lie.

Today would’ve been my 9th wedding anniversary to my exhusband, a fact that seems to be weighing on his mind if his text messages are any indication. He speaks of vows. Something he never valued previously. I’m frustrated by the interruption to a life I’ve had to put back together from pieces.

Couldn’t find my own words, but these lyrics have always said it best. If you understand, more power to you. If you don’t, I don’t care to offer any further explaination or dedication of time to this subject.


You’ll never see
The courage I know
Its colors’ richness 
Won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow, 
The way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you

But as the scenery grows, 
I see in different lights
The shades and shadows 
Undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch
I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still to proud to mention
-to you

You’ll say you understand
But you don’t understand
You’ll say you’d never give up
Seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise
And you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never touch
These things that I hold
The skin of my emotions
Lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel
The heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown
To you

You’ll say don’t fear your dreams
It’s easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall
From hopes so high
But never is a promise
And you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never live the life that I live
I’ll never live the life
That wakes me in the night
You’ll never hear the message I give
You’ll say it looks as though I might
Give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, 
I see in different lights
The shades and shadows
Undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch
I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention
To you

You’ll say you understand,
You’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up 
Knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in
You don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing 
When I start to cry
But never is a promise
And I’ll never need a lie

Perhaps the light at the end of the tunnel is a train? 10/2/07

Fuck.

This is not what I wanted at all. I just kicked off my high horse. There was not soft place to fall. It hurts. A lot.

Sunday night after the post, after flying high, after feeling content, I went downstairs to some laundry and when I was done, I decided to go into “the office” and leave Jerm a silly message and tape it to his computer so he would see it in the morning.

While I’m sitting there, an IM pops up on the screen. It’s from a girl. Innocent enough. But then she says something else, and something else, and something else and my smile fades from my face and my heart sinks into my stomach, and I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m going to vomit.

I snap out of it and go into mission mode…pulling up all the archived conversations. This cannot be happening. This is a bad dream. Please, let it be a bad dream.

I print them out. I have to physically hold them out of cyber space and see the words. All of them. About 20 pages of them. I saw the words. I knew what they were even through blurry, tear-filled eyes and shaking hands. This would not be another time in my life where I pretend this isn’t happening.

I take them all upstairs. He’s sleeping in MY bed, in MY room, in MY house…peacefully. I’m enraged. I slam the door open and turn on the light. He shoots up out of bed in a daze. I throw the pages in his face and tell him to get the fuck out of my house. He’s looking for something to say, but there is nothing to say. It’s all there in black and white now.

I don’t remember what he said or if he said anything. The next thing I remember is being curled up in a ball on the floor in the kitchen, sobbing like someone had just ripped my heart out. Asking why he did this. Asking what is wrong with me that makes people do horrible shit like this to me. Screaming that it hurts as if Im physically feeling the pain. And it did. It hurt really fuckin bad.

And then he was there. He was on the floor with me. And he is crying.

And as much as I want to finish this post…. I never will.

It’s not fair.

As if it’s not enough that I had to quit my job so that I could be home with my children and get them through all of this….now, I have to take the time I need to devote to them, in order to prepare to defend myself against nothing. It’s just ElChuba and Stankcy’s accusations that I’m a liar. So, I have to go through and transcribe phone conversations myself, so I don’t have to pay my attorney’s office, cause now that I’m not working, I surely can’t afford it. (By the way, for anyone who’s looking for a last minute gift for my birthday Friday, I’d take a donation to my paypal account so I can keep my attorney in paper. It’s a vicious cycle because, as I’m trying to prepare for court, the kids are constantly interrupting, which makes everything more annoying and stressful. They’re just being kids. I want them to just be kids. I want to be able to enjoy them just being kids and I can’t. I HAVE TO DO THIS. And in the meantime, he does nothing…NOTHING. He doesn’t have to do a damn thing except sit back and complain and point the finger. When if he had been being a father to begin with, none of this would’ve happened.

Despite making an exception for supervised visitation so that he could see his children, it’s my fault that he can’t see them, because he can’t afford it. CAN’T AFFORD IT?  Listen, as a parent I can tell you – there is NOTHING that could keep me away from my children. NOTHING. If I didn’t have cash on hand for the visits, which are only $40 per hour for the social worker’s time – you better believe I do whatever it took to get. I’d ask my friends and family for help. I’d beg for it. Hell, I just start selling shit off in order to see my kids. IT’S AN EXCUSE.

This all just makes me sick to my stomach.

When we went to court last Friday, all he talked about was himself. He was more interested in covering his own ass than he was in his own kids and what has happened to them. He actually submitted an affidavit to the court, a sworn testimony, that said everything I told the court that happened to the kids had “no basis in fact” THEN we go to mediation last Friday, and he says right in the middle of it, that he knows something happened. What is that? I’ll tell what it is, aside from sick, it’s perjury.

Do you know he looked me right in the eye and said I can’t believe YOU’RE doing this to them. That YOU’RE keeping them away from their father. As if all of this is MY fault. I didn’t do this to them. In fact, when I went to him with it, he didn’t believe me. When I told him he could have visitation anywhere but there, he just insisted on ignoring me, said nothing to ease my mind, nothing to protect the kids, he just wanted his visitation. What choice did he leave me with but to stop visitation? Am I really supposed to rely on his merit? And then I am the one who tells my attorney I don’t want to keep him away from them, that I just want to protect them, I don’t want to make it any  harder on them, I ask for the supervised visits and then it’s my fault that he can’t afford it?

C’mon

And you know what really sucks?

Being the only person whose stood up for the kids through all this and as if it’s not enough that I’m on my own and he’s denying it, I have to be persecuted. His stupid girlfriend has to start saying that I’m immature and that she thinks I have some kind of personality disorder. That’s what I get for doing what I’m supposed to do for my kids?

I’m thinking you know..how horrible to not have him on my side, on my kids side. And why does there have to be a side, why isn’t it a given? Why does everything have to be a fight? And why do I have to fight for my children, against their father?

I’m so tired of fighting.

It’s just not fair.

I spoke too soon

Drama still exists, as I became painfully aware of today.

I’ve spent most of my day crying, or feeling like I was on the verge of tears. I’d like to be able to excuse it away with my “monthly visitor” approaching, but the fact of the matter is, it’s all really fresh and he can, and does, still hurt me.  and damn, I’m sick of being caught up in it.

In the last two days EX has approached me twice about things people have said I said or did. He said / she said horseshit. The things he relays are beyond absurd, they are bold faced lies. He asks why it hurts me so much if I know they’re lies. But the TRUTH, the truth is that it hurts because

#1- he would CHOOSE to believe them

But actually after already talking to one of them and having them tell me they never said that what’s really bothering me is that…

#2- I’m beginning to get the picture that he’s made all of it up. I don’t think these people said shit to him, which makes the whole thing more perplexing. I mean, wtf? WHY would he do that? Why would he or anybody else take the time to conjure up such things and create unnecessary drama just for what… fun?

I know I am not important enough of a person for people to sit around and make shit up about me, shit, I’m unimportant to him. He doesn’t give a shit about me, he proves that more and more everyday.

Which leads me to believe… it’s about him. People will believe what they want to believe, or need to believe, no matter what the cost. Kinda like those crazy people and their HaleBop cult who all killed themselevs when the comet passed so they could go on a spaceship. Uh-yeh. I just don’t get how people consciencely sell lies to themselves, just to make them feel better. It’s the coward’s way out. And nothing changes this way, which makes it even worse.

I just don’t deal well with lies at all. I want there to be truth and justice and fairness. And the sad fact of the matter is…. it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes life, people, circumstances, just down right suck and aren’t fair at all.

Why do I even bother?

I need to progress instead of regress.

I’m done boohooing about this crap. As much as I deal with because I want things to be cordial and I want to keep the lines of communication open, it’s just not worth it.  I’ve developed way too much love of myself to let someone disrespect me this way. If it were anybody else, I wouldn’t take it. I think the only way to cut this shit out of my life, is to cut it off at the source.

Hey, sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

Quote of the day: Never explain; You’re friends don’t need the explaination and your enemies will never believe you anyways.

p.s. Mr. Michael…. I can’t go to your page without it crashing my computer. I keep trying but I think there is a bad script on it or something. I miss reading your posts terribly. Shoot me an e-mail. You should have it.