Upside Down

Just when I thought I was getting used to life as I now know it….my little snow globe world has been picked up, shook and I’m waiting for all the snow to settle again I suppose.

~My Dad is in the hospital – AGAIN. Last summer he had this ultra rare stomach condition where air expands in the lining of the stomach. I guess something like 50 people have had this happen in the history of medical science, 9, including my Dad have survived. This means that doctors don’t really know what happens after the fact. As it turns out, when he stomach poofed up, it caused some tearing on the arteries that feed blood to the stomach. This has caused scar tissue which is slowing and at times prohibiting blood flow to the stomach. This is not good. Lack of blood flow=tissue dies=stomach dies=stomach removed=NOT GOOD. The only options there are right now is to continue to go and stint and/or stretch these arteries. However, you can’t do that too often because it could tear an artery. So, last option is bypass….same as heart bypass, but I guess when you do it on someone’s stomach arteries it’s EXTREMELY risky. I hate, HATE, all of this. It’s not fair. My father is the best Dad a girl could ask for. Most people would tell you he is one of the best people they’ve ever met. I honestly can’t keep count of the number of people who have told me that through the years. He’s just a great guy. It is beyond discouraging when I see him dealing with all of this and other piece of shit fathers/people seem just coasting through life. UGH!

~ Paperwork with THE EX is final. He signed paperwork stating he would not contact us and forfeits his parental rights in exchange for not having to pay child support. Selfishness is an ugly thing.

~ Things at work suck. My boss lacks any passion for….well, anything. It’s a cake job with good pay and benefits, but I don’t think it’s worth it. Found out Friday that he’s an even bigger douche than I could have possibly imagined AND he’s sexting another girl in the office who is TERRIFIED to do anything about it. Creeper. Trying to decide whether to circulate the resume and get the hell outta there or tough it out until I make a decision about law school.

~ Ive gotta make some decisions about law school. If I go, I need to just do it. i’m not getting any younger and neither are my kids and they’re going to college. Period. I graduated with my Bachelors last summer and decided to take some time to figure things out but if I wait too much longer, I won’t go. In order to go next Fall  (2011), I have to take the LSAT by this December at latest so I can put in my apps this Spring. Big decision. Aside from the financial investment, its a lot of sacrifice for the entire family and I’m just not sure  how much sacrifice is too much. The kids have been through a lot.

~ Its hard to make decisions when there are so many what-ifs involving the kids, mostly Pickle.  I’m not talking about regular what-ifs here. i’m talking about not knowing if he’s ever going to be able to come home because of the younger two kids. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much that pains my heart. When I start venturing down this thought track, it’s all down hill.

I really need to get to bed. The lack of sleep surely isn’t helping me get things turned around.

I Quit! (?)

Ive got a lot of decisions to make for my professional self.

Currently, I am working as a paralegal. In the position I currently hold, I work for a man I admire on a personal level but can’t handle working with on a professional level. Right now I work as an independent contractor, which means its part-time and I can work from home when I need to, which has been great with the kids and issues surrounding my parents health this year. However, to make a long story short – I require organization and scheduling and he is more a fly by the seat of my pants, shoot first and ask questions later type of business man.

I can go with the flow better than most, but when you wait until 15 minutes before I have to leave for the kids when I’ve been in the office all day, or wait til 7pm at night to to give me something that he assures me has to be done this instant, when I’ve been available and waiting all day, that’s not cool and when my paychecks start to bounce…I think it’s time to start reviewing other options.

Regardless of that mentioned above, an opprotunity presented itself and I agreed to go for an interview. The interview turned into a job offer that I really would be crazy to pass up. It’s full-time but the hours work great with me and my husband’s schedule. It would allow me to get them off to school and him to be here when they get home. There are also cheaper medical benefits available to me after 90 days than we currently have through my husband’s employer and I would have paid time off after 90 days and a weeks vacation time after 6 months. Free life and disability insurance paid for by the company. This is the job/benefits I would want if I decided not to continue on to law school.

I’ve been toying with continuing on to law school since before I even finished my Bachelors Degree this past summer. But it’s a HUGE decision. Aside from the personal sacrafice to myself and my family for another 3-5 years, it’s a financial one too and I’ve got kids who will be thinking about college in another 5-8 years. I’ve had attorneys in my life tell me I should definitely do it, I’d do well, I’ll get through it and then there have been others who have cautioned me against it. Not because they don’t think I would be good at it, but because if they had it to do over again – they may have chosen another avenue professionally. I’ve been told there is more job security and less stress in being a paralegal, IF you work for the right attorney. But that in and of itself may prove to be a bigger problem because, a lot of attorneys can be tough to work for. Which brings up my biggest hang up all….the fear that if I go to law school that I could become the kind of attorney that I absolutely hate. Ive been told that the attorneys people hate, were douchebags before they went to law school and only come out more full of themselves and so, I have nothing to worry about….but I wonder.

In the meantime, I think taking this job is a good move because if I am ever going to be able to make it work, this would be the  job to do it in. It’s an opprotunity I can’t pass on. It’s also a good time for me, personally and professionally to make this move in order to make other decisions in the next year about which way Im going. I know I’m doing the right thing, but it’s still hard to quit the job I currently have. I’m agonizing over writing my resigantion letter and how he’s going to take it. Ive made it possible to give him two weeks, but I’m afraid he’s going to get really upset when he sees my resignation. My husband says if that happens so be it. I keep trying to reason in my head that if I were getting canned I’d be given 10 minutes to collect my things and be shown to the door so essentially its the same thing if he gets upset, but I at least I did the right thing by extending the courtesy of notice, right?

I’ve only walked out on one job without notice and it was simply because I had been pushed to my breaking point and couldn’t do one more minute of work for such a pompous asshole.

I could start this job today, tomorrow, whenever, if I wanted to,  or if need be but, the bottom line is that I like my boss, personally, so I don’t want to burn any bridges.

I know this is the right thing to do, but it doesn’t make it any less awkward or difficult.