I Quit! (?)

Ive got a lot of decisions to make for my professional self.

Currently, I am working as a paralegal. In the position I currently hold, I work for a man I admire on a personal level but can’t handle working with on a professional level. Right now I work as an independent contractor, which means its part-time and I can work from home when I need to, which has been great with the kids and issues surrounding my parents health this year. However, to make a long story short – I require organization and scheduling and he is more a fly by the seat of my pants, shoot first and ask questions later type of business man.

I can go with the flow better than most, but when you wait until 15 minutes before I have to leave for the kids when I’ve been in the office all day, or wait til 7pm at night to to give me something that he assures me has to be done this instant, when I’ve been available and waiting all day, that’s not cool and when my paychecks start to bounce…I think it’s time to start reviewing other options.

Regardless of that mentioned above, an opprotunity presented itself and I agreed to go for an interview. The interview turned into a job offer that I really would be crazy to pass up. It’s full-time but the hours work great with me and my husband’s schedule. It would allow me to get them off to school and him to be here when they get home. There are also cheaper medical benefits available to me after 90 days than we currently have through my husband’s employer and I would have paid time off after 90 days and a weeks vacation time after 6 months. Free life and disability insurance paid for by the company. This is the job/benefits I would want if I decided not to continue on to law school.

I’ve been toying with continuing on to law school since before I even finished my Bachelors Degree this past summer. But it’s a HUGE decision. Aside from the personal sacrafice to myself and my family for another 3-5 years, it’s a financial one too and I’ve got kids who will be thinking about college in another 5-8 years. I’ve had attorneys in my life tell me I should definitely do it, I’d do well, I’ll get through it and then there have been others who have cautioned me against it. Not because they don’t think I would be good at it, but because if they had it to do over again – they may have chosen another avenue professionally. I’ve been told there is more job security and less stress in being a paralegal, IF you work for the right attorney. But that in and of itself may prove to be a bigger problem because, a lot of attorneys can be tough to work for. Which brings up my biggest hang up all….the fear that if I go to law school that I could become the kind of attorney that I absolutely hate. Ive been told that the attorneys people hate, were douchebags before they went to law school and only come out more full of themselves and so, I have nothing to worry about….but I wonder.

In the meantime, I think taking this job is a good move because if I am ever going to be able to make it work, this would be the  job to do it in. It’s an opprotunity I can’t pass on. It’s also a good time for me, personally and professionally to make this move in order to make other decisions in the next year about which way Im going. I know I’m doing the right thing, but it’s still hard to quit the job I currently have. I’m agonizing over writing my resigantion letter and how he’s going to take it. Ive made it possible to give him two weeks, but I’m afraid he’s going to get really upset when he sees my resignation. My husband says if that happens so be it. I keep trying to reason in my head that if I were getting canned I’d be given 10 minutes to collect my things and be shown to the door so essentially its the same thing if he gets upset, but I at least I did the right thing by extending the courtesy of notice, right?

I’ve only walked out on one job without notice and it was simply because I had been pushed to my breaking point and couldn’t do one more minute of work for such a pompous asshole.

I could start this job today, tomorrow, whenever, if I wanted to,  or if need be but, the bottom line is that I like my boss, personally, so I don’t want to burn any bridges.

I know this is the right thing to do, but it doesn’t make it any less awkward or difficult.

The BUT 9/28/06

I cannot tell you how freakin happy I am that this quarter has wrapped. It was a rough for me. I got my final grades back today and I got an A in both classes!!!!! New job is going REALLY well. Really, REALLY well. Not only do I enjoy the actual work I’m doing, but I get along well with the attorney. BUT….

the kids all have colds, which make them delightful to deal with…

and i….well, i could give TMI, but i’ll just say there is something very wrong in the place where you don’t want things to be wrong. it’s uncomfortable. it’s also made my mind spin since there have been some questions as to my husband‘s fidelity. i may be the most ignorant person on earth…. i know all men have the capacity to cheat … like i said, my head spins.  guess i’ll know for sure in the next couple days cause i have to go to the gyn today.

ugh

Moving right along 9/25/06

I managed to finish up my final papers for class. Now it’s just a matter of finishing up the actual coursework, like reading, so that I’m prepared to take my finals tomorrow. You have no idea how happy I’ll be when this quarter is over. It’s been really rough.

On a happy note, when I scheduled my classes Friday for next quarter, my academic advisor informed me that all my tranfer credits were in order now and it appears I will be graduating with my degree next summer. Yay!

Jedi said the funniest thing this morning. I was helping him blow his nose and I said, “Man, you guys are all getting sick, what’s up with that, buddy?” He shrugged his shoudlers and walked away. About a minute later while he’s eating his cereal he turns to me and says,

Mommy, why does God make cold air if were all allergic to it?”

I love a child’s train of thought. They make a lot of sense sometimes.

Today is my first day on the new job, kinda. We’re meeting tonight at 6:30 to finish paperwork and all that good stuff. Plus, we get to go shopping so I can pick out my own fax, copier, scanner to keep at my house. I’m a girl, I love shopping.

It’ll be a busy day, but hopefully all worth it.

<<<<edit:>>>>

My one professor really helped me with spiffing up my resume for a legal position, so I wrote him an e-mail this morning thanking him for his help. He replied…

Congrats on the paralegal job, Stephanie! If your schoolwork is any indication, you should make a fine paralegal.

This is a man who was a JAG attorney. He knows his stuff. His response and his opinion really mean a lot to me. 

The interview 9/19/06

Today is the big day. The interview for the paralegal position. This isn’t the law firm from last week, this is different, but so much better. In fact, it’s like divine intervention. The money is good….really good.  The experience would be invaluable, because it’s not just legal work, but it’s pertaining to family law….exactly what I want to go into. But the best part is that this attorney is just getting her family law practice started after being a family court judge, so I can WORK FROM HOME for now and as her practice grows….I’ll grow with it. Plus, I’ll get to go downtown to the courthouse a couple times a week for filings which is great networking.

If I could’ve written my own job description…this would have been EXACTLY what I wanted.

Send your good mojo.

THANK YOU GOD!!!

the backstory:
last week there was a two line ad in the paper for a legal assistant with a request to reply to a website. said website was listed wrong. but with a little background search through the legal world i was able to find said attorneys REAL website and do a little background check on the attorney. she is a sole proprietor as a family law attorney. she used to be the family court attorney for the county we live in. this intrigued me because as most of you know my dream would be to continue school all the way through law school and become a family law attorney. so i drafted a really nice cover letter, spiffed up my resume and sent it away.
tonight, after being completely miffed over another promise broken by him and think that my life could not possibly get any worse than in felt in that moment, my cell rang and guess who it was?
but it gets better….not only is she really interested in me and was she impressed with my cover letter and resume, she is just getting her practice off the ground and so i could work FROM HOME! she couldn’t put that in the ad though. she said i would meet with her once a day to pick up legal briefs to be completed at home on my won schedule and she would just like me to run small errands, about 1 hr a day and then go to the courthouse downtown a couple times a week for filings and so on and so forth. can you believe that? i couldn’t have written a dream job description better myself. plus, she said she’s been bombarded with cases and that she really thinks, just couldn’t promise that there would be room for advancement and basically i’d be coming on board to help with the start-up. how awesome is that? i could start there, continue my education and possibly end up with a fabulous career position within the same practice. we hit it off really well over the phone too. she said she needs someone to get started right away and wanted to meet with me tomorrow night.
if i can land this job it would be an answer to prayer.
quote of the day: the darkest hour is always just before dawn.

the man i fell in love with

the man i fell in love with made an appearance wednesday. it was amazing. it was like seeing an old love that you haven’t seen in years and everything happening just the way you would want it to. he said all the right things, did all the right things. and it was sincere. he even recognized and thanked me for my efforts over the last week. he said “baby, you’ve been amazing.”
then yesterday happened.
i knew it was coming….i just knew.
it has become so apparent to me in the last few years that as people take things for granted and do not give credit where credit is due, that things get taken away until you earn a better appreciation.
he was knocked off his high horse yesterday. he was placed on a 30 day probationary period. there was no verbal or written warning, just this. out of the blue. it’s not a good thing. did i mention that in the last two weeks they have fired almost every high earning department head there? all out of the blue? seems a shame that all that going out and drinking after work that he did to “secure his job” didn’t do that at all? especially since i told him time and time again that when push came to shove these people at work whom he considers “friends”, wouldn’t be around when it really mattered and that he was pushing aside those who would, i.e. his family, in the process of trying to be “the man”. he was trying to call his boss, the womanizing rich guy whom he idolizes and thought had his back, and he wouldn’t answer. he tried to call the other people who he goes out with…they wouldn’t answer. it was just me.
and this is how it goes.
with him, it’s jobs. i can’t even tell you how many times he’s changed jobs in eight years. he either gets fired or he quits just before he’s gonna get fired. fired for not fulfilling his duties. and now…..here it comes again. he gets to the point where he gets a little to comfortable and cocky, and everything falls apart. i was hoping beyond hope that this wasn’t coming.
so what did i do?
i went out of my way to try and cheer him up yesterday. i went out and got pizza and potato skins so we could watch the first nfl game last night. i made one of his favorite dinners. i made his favorite dessert. he stopped on the way home and got a six pack. fine, whatever…he had a shitty day, game’s gonna be on. but then at dinner, he started talking about his job and what a slap in the face it was for them to do this to him. i didn’t really know what to say. i was trying to be supportive and i kept telling him that i was sorry. and he kept talking about it and while i was cleaning off the table i said, you know i really think things happen for a reason and maybe someone’s trying to tell you to redirect your efforts where they’ll be more appreciated, like at home. he got this disgusted look on his face and said, “well, i would put in more effort if i thought it would make a difference, but it won’t so, i figure why bother.” and my heart sank. instantly i got this feeling that this comment was one of those that really spoke volumes about his mentality. i mean, jesus, here i am, trying to make him happy, trying to save our marriage, trying to keep our family together and what….he’s just entitled to it? he doesn’t have to put in any effort? and why bother? hell i don’t know maybe because you love me and you love our children and our happiness is the most important thing to you. i can’t really put into words why that comment hurt so much, or why it felt like the last sentence in a novel before THE END…but it did. it ruined my mood. i didn’t even want to watch the football game. i just wanted to go curl up in a ball somewhere and cry.
then when he finished the first six pack…he had the audacity to ask me if i would go get him more beer and i just flat out refused. then he started to get dressed to leave and i asked him not to do it. i asked him what another six pack was gonna do, told him he was making me uncomfortable, that he shouldn’t get behind the wheel of a car, oh yeh…his new car…that we had to get to appease him…but he insisted and told me i left him no choice since i wouldn’t go and he was still thirsty. have some tea, i made that for him today. but he left and i just went to bed. and he stayed up and finished off another 6 pack. which let me clarify…2, 6 packs of 16 oz cans….is the equivalent of what? 16 beers? 16!!! would any normal person drink 16 glasses of anything???
one of the things on his 30 day probationary period notice was that he wasn’t there early enough in the morning to meet with contractors. his boss told him he needed to start arriving at 7 am. he left here at 7:30 this morning.
(sigh)
you know what will happen? he’ll start asking me to update and post his resume for him. he won’t appreciate it if i do and if i don’t it’ll be my fault that he didn’t have a job lined up. look, i’ve stood by him through NUMEROUS job changes and financial hardships. i’ve had to file bankruptcy because of this crap. i did all the paperwork, all the phone calls, all the follow-ups to fix our credit report. i’ve swallowed all my own fears and doubts and unsettled feelings without sharing them, without blaming him, all to be supportive and not stress out the kids. i don’t know if i can do this again. i don’t know if i can hold his hand and support him and reassure him and stand by him through this again. i’ve done it before and look where it got me. he treated me like shit, took our family for granted and walked out the door. honestly, i’m tired of being the strong one all the time. yes, i can be a rock when i need to be, i always do it, i always pull him through, i always pull our family through, i save the day and get no credit and just try to find some satisfaction in the fact that everything stays in tack, but sometimes i need a soft place to fall too and i need saving. it just sucks ten times worse when you do all this and then you don’t get the proper credit or respect you deserve, from the one person whom you expect it from and so desperately want it from.