aloha

another potential suitor bites the dust.  *raises glass*

fuck, i don’t know what it was.  as you like to say, “it was something.” i doubt you will ever give it more credit than that. what was it? what were you to me? what was I to you?

I was your greatest ally during a time of great trepidation in your life. or I tried to be. you couldn’t even ask me about my fucking day. I have no desire to hold together the shards of your confidence; and also I could have. you know you are better than this. I’m not entirely sure which you fear more.

Please? understand this. I can’t martyr myself to the potential disease ever again.

 

Forget everything…& Remember this 

Via elephant journal

Everything that has happened along the way—forget it.
Forget about the first love that broke your heart.
And forget about the last break too.
Forget the time a friend you thought was best pushed a knife in your back.
Forget the words and the spite that resound in your head.
Forget the trauma that injured your flesh or your bones.
Forget the rejection you felt when someone failed to recognise your value.
Forget the tears that cleansed your soul.
Forget the mistakes that everyone makes.
Forget what you gave, without return.
Forget the mistrust, the resentment and the jealousy.
Forget about lies, betrayal and deceit.
Forget about the ones that got away—they were not meant.
Forget the time someone tripped you and caused a fall.
Forget the times you gambled but forgot you could lose.
Forget about whispers and gossips and stories—it is all an illusion, the truth only lives in one self.
Forget about rules and regulations—make new.
Forget about thinking—let the mind sit still.
Forget about time—let your heartbeat decide.
Forget about fear, it will paralyse—it is useless.
Forget about perfection, it is unobtainable—imperfection is true beauty.
And forget about forgetting—allow the release to happen. Naturally.
Then try as you can, to remember this…
Everything is already a part of you, the lessons have been learned, the memories etched and the effects have sunk in.
There is no need to hold on—it all already exists, so allow it. Let it just be. Without grasping.
Without pressing repeat.
It all had a purpose, once, long ago. Even if it was yesterday, or a minute ago—it has now passed. Past.
So just breathe…and breathe again. Deeply.
Right here, right now.
You are alive. You survived. In this very moment, this one… here…
You can choose. Choose to live.
Run. Fly. Wildly.
Begin again.
And begin to feel alive.
Feel.
Everything and nothing and all in between—feel it all. Flushing through your veins—let it in, let it sit and then let it go.
Slowly, but very surely, replace all of the forgotten with all of the new.
Add to it, mix to it, blend whoever you were, who you are now with who you are about to become.
Alchemy—turn it to gold. Turn you. It is easy. Try. All of you. Every part.
Stir the storms with the rainbows, the pleasure with the pain. Create.
Forget the old. Sprinkle in new.
Stardust. Magic. Wanderlust. Mystery. Moonlit skies. Forests. Deserts. Sparkle. Dance. Have faith. Go. Find. Don’t look far. It is there. It always was, always has been. Right there, right here. Right now.
Be free.
And each time you are overwhelmed, or hurt, or angry or in pain—go back to the top, read once more, unlearn, forget and begin again.

Truth be told

“In the end it is not the words of our enemies we will remember, it is the silence of our friends.”

After spending 8 years of my life loving him, helping him, defending him, covering for him, lying for him and making excuses for him… I am done.

He has betrayed me, stabbed me in the back and thrown me in front of the bus for his own benefit for the last time. I was the only real friend he ever had. He knows it. I know it. And while it hurts badly to face the fact that he will never give me credit for any of that or being the only person in his life who has ever stood up for him and been there for him… I accept it. However – I am not going to tolerate it anymore. The beauty of divorce is I don’t have to.

How soon he forgets about how I left college to be with him when my parents made me choose, because I believed him when he said he wanted to build a life with me and he and his son needed me. Nevermind who supported him in getting custody of Pickle and that I was the one at home with Pickle while Daddy was out getting wasted. That I was the one who gave him money to help him go down to North Carolina to get Pickle back when the egg donor ran off with him only to have him take some skank with him and cheat on me in the process. And why didn’t I run then? Because of Pickle. Who was the one who attened all of his Pickle’s special education meetings, who has been the one to get him all the medical attention he needed?

Nevermind that he asked me to marry him and begged me to have his child so Pickle would “have a good Mommy and the family he deserves” only to turn around and tell everyone in his family that it was an accident and wasn’t planned. Nevermind that he didn’t say a word when his brother and mother accused me of trying to trap him. And hello? For what? Like it was some success to give up college and live with him in a trailer. Wow – good insight. Then for him to get drunk one night and spit in my face and hit me in the stomach and tell me that he didn’t give a fuck what happened to me or Jedi, that all he needed was Pickle and he had him now. Nevermind, that when he asked me a month later to forgive him and told me he had seen the light and that he wanted to build a family with me, I married him while he was unemployed and agreed to leave my job to be a stay-at-home Mom to Pickle and Jedi when he arrived.

Speaking of that – how soon he forgets how I stuck with him through all his job changes, firings and unemployment. One time because he falsified a government contract for a kick back and one time because he was drinking so heavily he couldn’t take his ass to work and got fired when I was 6 months pregnant with Diva. How that stress lead to preterm labor at 6 months and complete bed rest, which I never did, because I could never depend on him.

Oh and let’s not forget how when Pickle confessed the horrible things that had happened to him, I was the one who got him counseling, while Daddy drank and drank and drank to the point of passing out and making Pickle think he was dead – like that’s what he needed, or getting behind the wheel of his truck one night, while it was running in a closed garage and then passing out and me being the one who saved his life. Nevermind that it caused so much stress that I ended up with high blood pressure and toxemia and having to be induced a month early. Nevermind that that’s why our Jedi will suffer from asthma for the rest of his life. And what about me going out for the first time in two years by myself for some stress relief to come home and find him passed out, having left candles burning that were scorching the wall, while our children slept in the next room.

And the kicker? When I would finally have enough that I would go to someone in his family for help, he would lie and say that I was just being dramatic and his family supported him. I get unconditional love – I get that family should support one another, but when a grown man has children that he is putting in harm’s way -it’s time to stop enabling the man, and start standing up for the children. To all of you who washed your hands of me and the kids – I won’t soon forget. I have one word for you: KARMA.

Then, let’s not forget the final straws. El Chupa yelling at me for having him come home from work when my Mom went into A-Fib. SHE ALMOST DIED! and my friend, Crazie, was more compassionate, than my husband. Then, me passing out in a car right in front of him and him admitting to bringing me home and trying to get me up out of the car, and when he couldn’t wake me up, he continued on and drove to Wal-Mart to get speakers for his beloved Jeep and left me unconscious with three kids in the backseat, tonly for me to wake up, have no idea where I was and for him to offer no excuse and no apology. Yes, just one more example of his loving devotion and concern. Finally – The night he was drunk and walked around all night calling me a “stuck up bitch” in front of my children because I was asking him to turn his music down when I was trying to get them to bed for school the next day. When I asked him again to turn it down he came across the room at me and grabbed me by the throat, only to tell his Mom that he had only tried to hug me and had accidentally gotten his arm around my neck. Yeh – nevermind that when I got away from him and he saw how terrified I was that he laughed sadistically and threatened me about not calling the cops. Nevermind, that when I tried to call my Dad, he disconnected the phone and that because of that MY DAD CALLED THE COPS – not me. And after that, I seriously was supposed to not have him arrested? God only knows what would’ve happened.

Now this – him calling me the past three weeks, telling me how miserable he is with his girlfriend and that he needs therapy and me trying to be supportive, tracking down phone numbers for him to call for help, worrying myself sick….only to have him turn around and back stab me. When a problem arose with one of our kids and I went to him about, he let her run her mouth about me and influence him in the background and ran with it, instead of believing me or giving me the benefit of the doubt. And then to top this off, in case all of this wasn’t enough, he decides to screw me over on our taxes, tells me it wasn’t his fuckin problem and I could fuckin pay it, because he doesn’t live here? After I filed jointly to save his ass from having to pay a $6000 underpayment? Lost my Pell grant money for college because of it and this is the thanks I get? Enough is enough. At some point if you keep piling shit on someone’s shoulders, they’re gonna break. So, I say – you know what I’m done, I’m not helping you out anymore, your unpredictable and you’re an asshole, I tell him I’m not gonna drive the kids 40 mins away to drop them off for his visitations anymore, cause, well, like he said, it’s not my problem. After all, he knew where his kids were when he moved out there – how is it my responsibility now? Then after that – he has the AUDACITY to accuse me of using the kids of leverage.

Why am I writing all this?

I just thought it was about time the truth be told. Not the truth according to Stephanie, but the actual truth. Why would I make this up? It makes me look like a TOTAL DUMBASS! A pushover. A victim. And anybody who knows me, knows that’s the last thing I want to be. But, I am tired of hiding, and I’m tired of nobody knowing. I want somebody, anybody to know the truth. He knows it’s true. And the fact that he will only continue to deny it, says oodles about his character.

 To those who read this and choose to continue to enable him – just remember you’re as much to blame for what’s happened and what’s gonna happen. And really, I mean this from the bottom of my heart – you all deserve each other.  Know that he talks as much and as badly about ALL of you, friends and family, as he does me.  He is two-faced. Bottom line.

 t all hurts. Ya know, cause it’s one thing for him to lie to himself and not take responsibility, but it’s something different for him to continue lying to everyone else. Just to make shit up about someone and sell it like it’s gospel…ridiculous! It’s cruel and unusual punishment. And for what? For loving him? For being there for him? For trying to help? For raising his son from his previous marriage on my own? For giving and giving only to have him take and take?I ‘m just sick of it all. All of this is beyond not fair.  Fine- he doesn’t love me, maybe he never did. Hell, he doesn’t even have to like me. I sure as hell don’t want pity. But, at the VERY least I think I’m owed some appreciation and respect.  Or just leave me the hell alone. Please?

 I can’t take it anymore. I’ve had enough. So, from here on out, it’s about me and the kids. It’s not ever gonna be about him or what he needs or what his problem is, I’m done caring, because he never gave us a second thought. He is responsible for his relationship with them. I am done covering for him. I’m done making excuses for him. I’m done helping him in any aspect – ever! If you can’t understand that – I can’t help you, but…

 I’m just done.

 It’s taken a really long time, but I get it now. No matter what I do – good or bad…. I will be nothing more than someone for him to blame. That’s all our relationship and marriage amounts to. Sad, but true… and I’m ending it.

 No more.

What Jedi has to say 3/9/07

I’ve been having some problems with Jedi as of late so I made arrangements to spend the day alone with him and kinda figure out what’s been going on.

I know one of the problems is that he’s not getting enough sleep. He’s been having a lot of nightmares lately, actually night terrors is what the doctor has coined them. I’ll hear him in the middle of the night screaming and crying. I can’t wake him up immediately when this happens because it makes it worse. What I try to do is sit next to his bed and kinda coax him out of it. I start talking to him softly and just tell him he’s dreaming. he says he has bad dreams about stuff at his Dad’s girlfriend’s house. one of his bad dreams is about a man breaking into the house and killing his dad while he’s sleeping. That even creeped me out just hearing him say it. Another is about him playing a game under the covers and then he starts choking and he can’t breathe. I asked him if he had ever had a bad dream about me. He said that once he dreamt that I left him in the store and he was lost. I asked him if that had ever happened. he said no and I explained that dreams aren’t real, even if they feel real, and just because we dream something doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen.

I decided just the two of us would go to the library and we got some books to read together about being scared of the dark, bad dreams, what to do if you get lost, a book about feelings, and a book called “dinosaur divorce”. Afterwards, I told him I would take him anywhere he wanted for lunch. He picked Burger King. As we sat eating lunch together, he got all teary eyed and told me that one of the things that hurts his feelings and that he worries about daddy, is that he thinks if his dad marries his girlfriend that he will be her kids’ daddy and not his and then he will only have a mom. I think i genuinely felt my heart break in that moment.  I put him on my lap and held him while he cried and told him that daddy would always be his daddy no matter what and I would always be his mom. He said, just like I’ll be your son even when I’m grown up?  Yep, just like that. Then he said, “but mommy why does daddy want to live with her and her kids if he didn’t want to live with us?” I told him that me and daddy didn’t get along anymore and that it wasn’t his fault, that me and daddy didn’t want to fight anymore, because it made everyone sad, and even though we don’t all live together as a family anymore, we’re still a family and daddy still loves him just as much as he did when he lived with us.

These conversations, this underlying angst that he’s feeling, is exactly why I held on as long as I did. This is exactly why I didn’t want to get divorced?  This is what I’ve been afraid of, especially with Jedi.  He picks up on things emotionally that most kids wouldn’t. He’s a very sensitive guy. Just like he’s brought up the fact that he has to sleep on the floor when he goes to daddy’s house and her kids sleep in a bed. Personally, yeh – I think that’s fucked up, but still I defend EX and say, well daddy is just moving in there and it’s gonna take awhile but, once he gets all moved in – you’ll have your own bed.

But really shouldn’t that have been the top priority? For the kids to feel comfortable and taken care of in the new situation their being exposed to?  But then of course there are her kids, why should their lives and house and rooms be turned upside down so soon after their own family’s split? But are my kids less important? Who exactly is looking out for their best interest? I can see where Jedi might get this idea. It’s not so far-fetched or dramatic. but what the hell can i do about it? That’s what really sucks. I can’t protect my babies.  I tried talking to EX about the bed situation before and he acted like I was making it up. It becomes about him and his ego. He just seems so oblivious to anybody else’s feelings. All he did was ask why they haven’t said anything to him about it. He started making excuses about how he’s trying to get set up. That’s so far beyond the point. The point is that your kids are having some feelings that are valid no matter what you think. but, just like I’ve told EX 100x … all I can do is make him aware and then ultimately it’s up to him what he does with the information.

After Jedi went to school, I decided to call Ex. I asked him if he had asked Pickle if it was ok for him to propose marriage. He laughed and said no. I explained what Pickle had told his counselor and then I told him about what Jedi has said to me. He says that Pickle had asked them if they were going to get married and when he asked him if he thought they should, Pickle said sure and then Jedi asked him if he married her if he would still be his dad and he told him yes, of course and that he would always be his dad. I was a bit relieved to hear that he had already comforted him on this, but still feeling really bad for my little guy. I went on to tell him that i hoped that if he got to the point that he was going to propose to her that he would at least tell me out of respect before I heard it from the kids or anybody else. Not that he needs my permission or opinion or that I would care one way or the other, but just so I’m prepared when my kids come at me with stuff like this.

All of this is so overwhleming to me, so I can only imagine what it feels like to the kids. If i’m honest… I’ll admit, I wonder the same things sometime. Why can he have the happy little family with her and her kids when he couldn’t with us? Why was it that he flat out resented having us to be responsible for and then he just takes it on again? I mean, really, it doesn’t make much sense.

It hurts. It hurts bad. And while I’ve never voiced any of this around my children, and I never will tell them how I really feel so that the hurt doesn’t trickle down on them and they can form their own opinions…I’m starting to see that the truth always comes out and kids are a lot smarter than we think.

This is how it happens.

It’s always a little thing like this.

I call the pharmacy for refills on Pickle’s seizure meds last night, no biggie. Jer runs up to get them for me and they didn’t fill the one. Seems medical insurance companies can do this. They can pay for a medication one month, they won’t pay for it the next month. But, this is anti-seizure medication. It’s not like the kid can go without it, right? I’m annoyed. I call the pharmacy. She is equally annoyed with said insurance company and very sympathetic to my cause. She will make phone calls to help in the morning, as will I. I make a mental list in my head of who I need to call to get this taken care of before his medication runs out in three days. This is course is the reason why I always call these things in a few days in advance. It’s another one of the small things I do, without notice. And as I’m standing there in the kitchen with his four prescription bottles in my hand, I lost it. I was angry. I was hurt. I was 10 different emotions at once.

How does this happen? How do you step up in a child’s life, take that child in as your own and adopt that child as your own responsibility for the rest of your life, to have the child’s father… totally unappreciate it, disregard it, and then cast you aside and move on? To me, this is a huge thing to do. If for some unforeseen reason The ex wasn’t a part of our children’s life anymore and a man stepped up to the plate and took care of them and got them the help that Pickle has required, I would be forever grateful and appreciative. Everything else would pale in comparison. But, I guess it’s ludicrous to except a blind man to see…well, anything.

But what about everyone else? What about all those who have taken his “side” and support him…who believe I was this heartless bitch who fucked him over? How can they believe that considering … everything?

It hurts. It makes things seem futile.

But, It’s not about it me, I know that.  It’s just a moment and an emotion I wanted to express.

This is about Pickle. If it wasn’t, if it were about the ex or me, I would’ve walked away years ago and let whatever was gonna happen with Pickle happen. If I had known how all the chips were gonna fall in the end, I still would’ve done the same thing. I still would’ve stood up for him, helped him and loved him as my own. It’s horrifying to me to think where he would be and what his life would be like if I hadn’t. I AM GRATEFUL to have him in my life and for the lessons he has taught me. I’ll forever be grateful to my own parents and family for accepting him as my own as well and not treating him any different from my biological children.

Maybe that is it’s own legacy of love.

I spoke too soon

Drama still exists, as I became painfully aware of today.

I’ve spent most of my day crying, or feeling like I was on the verge of tears. I’d like to be able to excuse it away with my “monthly visitor” approaching, but the fact of the matter is, it’s all really fresh and he can, and does, still hurt me.  and damn, I’m sick of being caught up in it.

In the last two days EX has approached me twice about things people have said I said or did. He said / she said horseshit. The things he relays are beyond absurd, they are bold faced lies. He asks why it hurts me so much if I know they’re lies. But the TRUTH, the truth is that it hurts because

#1- he would CHOOSE to believe them

But actually after already talking to one of them and having them tell me they never said that what’s really bothering me is that…

#2- I’m beginning to get the picture that he’s made all of it up. I don’t think these people said shit to him, which makes the whole thing more perplexing. I mean, wtf? WHY would he do that? Why would he or anybody else take the time to conjure up such things and create unnecessary drama just for what… fun?

I know I am not important enough of a person for people to sit around and make shit up about me, shit, I’m unimportant to him. He doesn’t give a shit about me, he proves that more and more everyday.

Which leads me to believe… it’s about him. People will believe what they want to believe, or need to believe, no matter what the cost. Kinda like those crazy people and their HaleBop cult who all killed themselevs when the comet passed so they could go on a spaceship. Uh-yeh. I just don’t get how people consciencely sell lies to themselves, just to make them feel better. It’s the coward’s way out. And nothing changes this way, which makes it even worse.

I just don’t deal well with lies at all. I want there to be truth and justice and fairness. And the sad fact of the matter is…. it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes life, people, circumstances, just down right suck and aren’t fair at all.

Why do I even bother?

I need to progress instead of regress.

I’m done boohooing about this crap. As much as I deal with because I want things to be cordial and I want to keep the lines of communication open, it’s just not worth it.  I’ve developed way too much love of myself to let someone disrespect me this way. If it were anybody else, I wouldn’t take it. I think the only way to cut this shit out of my life, is to cut it off at the source.

Hey, sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

Quote of the day: Never explain; You’re friends don’t need the explaination and your enemies will never believe you anyways.

p.s. Mr. Michael…. I can’t go to your page without it crashing my computer. I keep trying but I think there is a bad script on it or something. I miss reading your posts terribly. Shoot me an e-mail. You should have it.

Braces yourselves …

I actually had an adult conversation with EX today.

It went pretty well. We were discussing moving up our hearing date with the divorce and got into talking about how difficult the whole thing has been. He was talking about being conflicted about everything going on, because there is a lot. Not only are we grieving the loss of whatever it is we had, but we are both trying to balance out new lives, new budgets, new roles, responsibilities and relationships. I started to tell him to be cautious with the new girl. I told him that I liked her and that she seemed nice, but I was worried he might start a pattern over. That it seemed similar to how our relationship started. Me being in a bad place and seeing someone else in a bad place that wanted to help. That I didn’t want him to take her for granted or vice versa. He said it wasn’t like that, that she had her own stuff going on and that I should understand because isn’t it different with Jer?

Well, yes it is, because #1- he’s not coming out of a marriage and #2- he doesn’t have kids. I’m not rescuing him. I’m not trying to help him in anyway.  My point was the similarity of EX coming out of his first marriage and getting immediately involved with me and him coming out of our marriage and getting immediately involved with her. It is similar in that way. Not that she is like me or anything like that, I don’t know her, I couldn’t say, but it is similar.

He told me that something had happened between them, that neither one of them was ready for, he said she didn’t think a guy like him existed and they fell in love. That was kinda hard to take to be honest. knowing somebody you tried to share your life with is moving on, is one thing, but to hear that it is, love … a little different. This is where your mind starts spinning … you start to ask questions and think about things that might not even be rational.

It occurred to me that his office Christmas party was tonight and that he would be going with her. Do you know that I actually bought myself a hot little number to wear to this thing tonight months ago? To look good for him? Do you know what it felt like to take it back? It was like that dress held so many more things and I just had nothing to do with it anymore. (sigh) I started thinking about how he probably wouldn’t even have this job if i hadn’t have encouraged him to go to that 2nd interview. What would’ve happened then?Iif he hadn’t have met certain people through that job and had their influences fueling the fire, would we be here now? Would he not have started staying out all hours of the night drinking with his boss and coworkers? If he hadn’t have had so much pressure put on him by his job, would he have drank so much? Would he have ignored his family the way he did? Or was it all inevitable? Honestly, he did those things before this job. Then I  wonder what kind of guy he is that she thought didn’t exist. Couldn’t have been the guy who was around towards the end of our marriage, cause those guys are a dime a dozen. I guess part of me wonders if it’s actually possible that he can be with her, what he could never be with me and why is that? Why couldn’t he be this stand up guy for his me? For our children? for our family? It doesn’t make sense. I mean, wouldn’t he have had more motivation be that guy to save his own family? Which leads me to wonder if it is just a smokescreen?

This is what led to me telling him that it concerned me that she could have read most everything on my blog and have just brushed it aside and got involved with him so quickly. I didn’t understand that. He said she had formed her own opinion about that. And I said, I know and that’s what concerns me. She has kids, she really should address it. He seemed to start getting annoyed and I just said “Look, I’m not trying to criticize either one of you. If you or even she were one of my friends, I’d say hey…this needs to be addressed seriously.” I’m trying to be a friend and maybe it’s hard for him to hear that right now, but I have to say it and that’s all I can do. He said they had talked about it. I told him that I hoped that he didn’t tell her I was full of shit and that she hadn’t just accepted it. That would be highly irresponsible on both ends. I don’t know what he said or what she said about it, but … the truth is, it concerns me. Mostly because when I got involved with him, he blamed everything on his ex, the reasons he drank, the reasons he was so horrible to her, was all because SHE made him miserable. It was a lie, but all i could see was what i wanted to see. i ignored the obvious, which is, like he is so fond of saying, “it takes two.” I just think If he doesn’t really deal with this, all of it, he will continue to self-destruct just because he never made amends or took responsibility enough to put the burden down so that he can REALLY move on. that’s the change i haven’t seen and that’s why i worry. You know if you can’t see that you did something wrong then you can’t change it, and if you don’t change it you’re bound to repeat it.

I told him that I wanted him to be happy and in a healthy relationship, but in order to do that, he was going to have to be honest with himself and her about what has gone down and how he’s feeling about this whole process. I told him that I was fortunate to be with someone who lets me grieve this loss, without making it about him, without feeling like he isn’t good enough, or feeling that maybe I want EX back and that I hoped he and she could do the same for each other, but it would be hard since she is going through her own divorce and he needs to be aware of her feelings in that regard as well. They both have kids to think about too. I don’t want him to get hurt, I don’t want her to get hurt and I sure as hell don’t want any of the kids to get hurt.

Yep, It’s official.

I’m a mother. I feel the need to protect and nurture everyone.

God help me.

In other news, got to have lunch with my girlfriend downtown today after having to go to court (for work). It’s really great to be able to do things again and be myself again. My girlfriend was even saying how I’m back to acting like myself and how much she’s missed seeing me smile, and hearing me laugh.  She talked about how much she liked Jer and how happy she was for me. That made me feel good. That someone else sees it and appreciates it as much as I do.

I’m happy for me too.

Things are going well. I’m almost done with another quarter at school. Looks like I’ll be graduating this summer. Work is going well. Things are picking upa nd moving forward. It’s very rewarding work that I feel good about doing. The kids are doing well. Despite the typical ornery behavior stuff here and there, they are much more settled and happy. That does my heart well.

And my love life, well…. it’s the icing on the cake. Jer is a great guy with an awesome heart.

I am such a lucky girl…..no I’m blessed. Truly, I am. And the funny thing is, all the crap that I’ve been through, that i thought would destroy me….has only made this all the more sweeter.