The Work

Im currently reading ‘How To Be Sick:A Buddhist-Inspired Guide For the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers“. It teaches various Buddhist practices in application to the trials faced by those, like myself, who are chronically ill. As you might expect, there are many other practical everyday life applications that could be used by anyone. 

I just finished reading a chapter about Byron Katie and her work in encouraging us to question the validity of our thoughts and ending any suffering that may accompany them, using what she calls “The Work” or inquiry. This inquiry practice begins with us asking whether the thought is true. Then, asking whether we know absolutely that is true. Third, is to note our reaction when we believe the thought is true. Fourth, reflecting on who we’d be without the thought and finally to come up with a “turnaround”, a statement in the opposite form of the original thought. 

It struck me in reading this that there are many thoughts, illness related and otherwise, where this work would do me some good. So without further ado, I will tackle the thought that has been plaguing my heart for a good bit of time in what will likely be the start of a new blog feature called, what else?, The Work:

Thought: Im tired of being misunderstood by people who offer no benefit of the doubt or resolution especially in constrast to my continued grace and forgiveness with the same people. 

Is it true? Yes, I absolutely hate not being given the benefit of the doubt, having the good brushed under the rug and a perceived flaw focused upon without being given the chance to explain or remedy the situation. 

Is it absolutely true? YES! 

My reaction: I feel wounded, hurt, maybe even betrayed. Unimportant. 

Without the thought I guess I’d just be a person who continues to extend grace and forgiveness. 

The turnaround: I love not being given the benefit of the doubt! Now I dont need to offer an explanation. Those who really know me, dont need one and those who don’t would probably not believe me anyways. This has to do with their thoughts. I cannot control someone’s elses thoughts anymore than I can control my own. I dont have to tiptoe around on glass trying not to re-offend. I conserving time and energy. I can be myself. 

And there you have it, folks. 

All better. 

Day Forty-Two: Making Brain Waves-Healing with Binaural Beats and Isochronic Tones

This was quite the experience for me. I almost felt outside myself, which I believed I have to much of a monkey brain (swinging from one thought to the next) to achieve, however, this started a lift from my physical being.
Im committing to trying the final chakra balancing with binaural beats again and again.

With Love,
Stephanie

90 Days to Spiritual Enlightenment

Molecular Thoughts

Having perused the internet for videos that assist with meditation

a common thread in my searches was the tagline-“with binaural

beats and isochronic tones.” I have to admit; the images that were

attached to these videos were a bit intimidating. As I was already

vulnerable I was doing my best to remain as grounded as possible.

Fearful of the unknown I stuck to the meditations I knew and

loved-the ones with ethereal music; dream locations that were

lovingly described by a calming voice-the ones you see daily on

this blog in fact.

The theory behind binaural beats is neither religious or terrifying.

They must be experienced with headphones and each ear experiences

a different frequency of auditory sound-the middle section of

your brain then creates a beat (a phantom beat) to make up for

the difference in frequency from ear to ear.

Binaural beats are experienced by people for many…

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And so it begins

I had my first epidural spinal injection Friday morning.

First, I must say that it was a weird experience for me because the maternity ward where I had my kids is now the pain management procedure area. I had my procedure in the same room that I had my c-section with my daughter and the recovery room was the same room where I gave birth to my son. Bizarre. But as my girlfriend pointed out, maybe it was God’s way of telling me it could be worse, I could be giving birth.

Anyways the procedure was quick and easy. Got my panties in a bunch for nothing in that regard, BUT the aftermath … OW!!! About 4hrs later I felt like I was kicked in the back by a horse! I could not get comfortable to save my life. I was moaning and whining like a toddler.

And then it happened … the most glorious moment… I woke up this morning with NO pain … anywhere. It may not have lasted long but that moment was almost orgasmic! Then I got up and with every moment came more pain.

I can’t help but wonder if this shot is actually going to do what I hoped it would or if I’m going to have to go through all 3 shots before that happens…is the recovery after each going to be so painful…is it going to help at all?

Dear Baby Jaxon

It is in comprehensible to me that I have to write these words from the bottom my heart instead of holding you in my arms been whispering them gently into your little perfect ear. I can only imagine what you may have looked like but I am certain that you would’ve had your daddy’s glorious, green, gorgeous eyes. I used to dream of you while looking at daddy’s eyes in his baby pictures.

Your daddy is a good man. I know he would’ve raised you with a lot of tenderness and depth. He isn’t the kind of man who pretends to not be aware of things beyond the physical. My heart aches knowing that the world will not get to be molded to fit for another good man’s presence. The world needs more people like your daddy. My hopes and dreams for the impact you would have had on the world are unmeasurable, but the impact your short time in our lives had will never be forgotten.

Yes, it is painful because we cannot embrace you and express our love physically but, we refuse to pack it away. I will always seek you out in this world beyond ours in which we will someday have our many questions answered and tears wiped away. I send a little prayer your way here and there, but know there is nothing my heart desires more than your presence.

I want nothing more than to bear the physical, mind-bending pain of your birth and the precious relief of holding you in my arms, safe and warm, counting those 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes. To feel your small breaths stretch my heart to new bounds of love, admiration and gratitude that I could not have imagined before. I want nothing more than to lay you in your father’s arms, watching them fumble you graciouslessly, as a first-time father does with his little world.

I wish I had been able to introduce you to your brothers and sister. You have amazing siblings. They would have held your hand through many adventures.

Why is it so painful to lose what wasn’t ? They tell me not to try to understand everything because it isn’t meant to be understood just accepted.
I’ve been around enough to know that dreams don’t turn to gold, but you are the exception to the rule, a dream that was and is even if we can’t see you. I do take comfort in knowing that you were in the safest, most peaceful place a soul can be and as a mother, your mother, I can accept that I cannot physically hold you to know that you will be in your heavenly father’s arms forever.

Until we meet face-to-face, please feel our love always.

All my love, Mommy

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shining light in the dark

I had one of the ugliest experiences I’ve had with my ex since…. well I guess the night he grabbed me by the throat. I left his house in a hurry without taking the kids inside and cooing and coddling them before I left. Why? Because after waiting for him in his driveway for over a half-hour because he was running late from work, again, my car was about to run out of gas and I was trying to make it to the gas station. Then he has the audacity to act like I’m this horrible parent right in front of the kids, after I waited FOR HIM!?!? He asked me why I didn’t go get gas while I was waiting? Wtf? Cause I was WAITING on you. The kids would’ve flipped if I had left with them after already being at his house. I swear to God, I can’t win.

But, it lead to one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

Instead of being frustrated by my emotions and letting in complicate things between us, I let Jer be there for me. He actually took me in his arms and told me that he wanted me to know I had a safe place to go with all my tears and he wanted me to let it go. He must’ve held me for a good hour, while I sobbed. He even went as far as apologizing for all the hurt my ex had caused me. He said he wanted me to feel validated. He said I didn’t deserve it. He told me he could see it in my eyes and he didn’t want to see it anymore, so he wanted to help me put the burden down.
And I did.

Despite knowing my ex will always cause drama, because he thrives on it, I know I can deal without falling back into the bitterness and resentment of it all.
I’m gonna be ok.
Everything is gonna be ok.
And you know what else?
I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m not gonna lie for him or hide for him anymore. That’s over. I did it way to long.

When you’re in the throes of a divorce, it’s way too easy to sit down and cry, and frankly, I’d like to be done and over with crying and being angry. That’s why I started this site. I’ve kept this blog of everything I’ve been through because I find it therapeutic for me to write about my failures and fears and let them go when I hit the submit button. I get it out and put it down and get to walk away with a clean slate to move forward with my hopes and dreams. That’s what this has always been about. I still read my blog entries now and then because they help me keep perspective, it helps me not take things for granted. Censoring this would be censoring my healing process, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.
This is about moving forward.
That’s what I’m gonna do.

making THIS work

we had this court ordered parenting class wednesday night.

i don’t know why i thought it would be a good idea for us to go together, but by the time we got downtown, i was in tears and realized i had made a mistake.

turns out he has told some people about my blog, people he shouldn’t have. then he had the audacity to tell me to stop writing because he doesn’t want them to read it, he thinks it might hurt THEM to know that we still have feelings and love for one another. it will make him look stupid. there are things he wants me to keep secret so we don’t look crazy. and you know what i say to that and to THEM. here’s a great big FUCK OFF!

had anybody else really cared about him or us or our children and had taken the time to HELP instead of feeding the fire….we might not be here right not. this is my place to get things out so i can heal and move forward and be the mother and friend to my children that they so desperately need right now. remember, my children? none of you know ME and i find it quite amazing that those who had no interest in what i had to say or thought or what i, myself and my husband and family were going through, that now you suddenly care about what i say and think on those matters. it’s laughable. but isn’t going to stop me. i have nothing to hide. see that’s the thing about the truth, when you tell it, you don’t have to worry about who will come across it and what can be done with it. so read on….i don’t care.

after the class we went and grabbed a bite to eat and talked. we talked a lot about his brother and his fiance’. the situations are not the same, but i know where they are, how much it hurts, and despite all the things his brother has done and said to contribute to the demise of my marriage and family, i still tried to help my ex help them. (wow, ex. he really is, isn’t he?) i thought to myself several times, how i wish my BIL had taken the time to help his brother the way his brother so desperately wants to help him. and i also thought how i wish my ex would have wanted to desperately try to repair his own relationship with the same conviction as his brothers. just another fucked up revelation to have.

the weird thing about all this, is that now…for whatever reason, we’re actually talking to one another again. sadly, i think i’ve seen more of the man i love since we accepted the finality of our relationship than i’ve seen in the last two years. his gentleness , like the way when i start to cry he’ll take my hand, his words like when he tells me that he’ll always love me, it’s sincere, very sincere, his respect for me and appreciative of ME, as a person, like when he tells me i have more integrity than most people he knows. that guy….i love, i adore him….i’m over the moon for that guy. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. i wish he knew that. i wish he knew that HE was all i ever wanted. it makes it hard for me. because while i’m happy to see that guy again, i’m angry that he wasn’t around prior and destroyed because he never stays. i wonder why that is. i wonder if it’s me that changed him, is it life, is it circumstance, is it the responsibilities? part of me think it’s old wounds from him previous marriage and relationships that he never healed from and that i know i’ve paid for a thousand times over….. maybe it’s all of it. i just hope that guy sticks around for his children and whatever he can’t be for me, will make it better for our babies.

god, knows i haven’t been myself and i know i’m happy to be putting the pieces of my puzzle back together piece by piece. sincerely, i hope he does the same. nothing would do my heart better than to see him being that guy again, laughing, making others laugh, playing his drums, being the daddy he used to be, loving himself and letting himself be loved, even if it’s not with me.

i ran into my attorney yesterday at the courthouse while i was working. he pulled me aside for a couple minutes and we talked. he told me how hard it had been to see me sincerely agonize over this process and the loss of my marriage. guess he’s not used to that. i personally, just think it’s the loss of the role, not particularly him. the loss of my children’s family. he told me that he wondered if the marriage was really over. he told me that he wanted both of us to make the right decision. he talked about conciliation, which he had to explain to me. i guess it’s just a 90 day delay in the proceeding to explore other options, such as separation, counseling, etc, etc….it doesn’t mean he moves back in or actually that anything changes but we just give it more time. he told me to think about it.

so i’ve been thinking about it. and my thoughts are this: i don’t need 90 days more to sit and agonize over something that seems pretty inevitable. i would need to see some BIG changes. yes, i do hear him talking, he says a lot of good things, but he always has. it’s the actions and follow through where we continually come up short. like when we did counseling before… he said he wanted to, he went and that was about it. even our counselor ended up getting completely frustrated because he was saying one thing and then chucking it all out the window with his actions. and he never saw that. and i still don’t think he does. he thought i was trying to make everything about his drinking, but i wasn’t…it’s just it kept coming up over and over again. he got drunk and said this, he got drunk and did this…EVERY FREAKIN week. so there’s that. that hasn’t changed. let me clarify, i’m not talking about the drinking, i’m talking about follow through. but of course, i’m still terribly scared that he’ll start drinking and go off the deep end again. i don’t need to be the one mothering his drinking habits, i don’t need to be the one telling him to get some counseling to deal with the demons he’s trying to drown out. i won’t elaborate, because it’s not my story to tell. our kids don’t need to see him like that or hear us arguing about it because that’s not all he is and i don’t want to focus on that anymore. i want him to be able to deal with other things. we all need to. plus, it just makes him more miserable. i just need to see him make the initiative to do that for himself without it being contingent anything else. he needs to do it for him and i just don’t see it happening.

then of course there’s the money issues. this was always a problem. he’s just bad with money and then gets mad when i can’t fix it. that is still there. despite me making a list of his bills for him with the dates and amounts and how to pay them…he’s forgotten. i’ve had to give him money i don’t even have for gas, and medication and all of that has gone without much notice. this always leads to another big issue for him, that he thinks i’m trying to be in control of everything. i really don’t want to be. jesus, id love for him to step up and take care of shit and say “i’ve got it handled.” i’d have kissed his fuckin feet if he ever did that. god knows i have enough to keep me occupied. and he cares to much about what everyone else thinks. and that’s just wrong in so many ways. then of course, there’s the abuse. he only put his hands on my twice in our time together, but the emotional, mental and psychological abuse…there’s a lot of work that i need to do for myself now.

i just want to let go and move on. there’s been enough hurt and enough tears. there’s a lot of healing to be had. i want all of this to be over. i don’t want to review the shoulda, woulda, couldas anymore. i’m tired of possibly and maybes and what ifs. i just want to be 5 years away from all of this and have all the answers and see the big picture.

right now i feel like i’m stuck in this little dark corner on the canvas of god’s masterpiece and am desperately wondering what the hell is going on.