Conviction

It never fails that when I hear a sermon Sunday morning that convicts me spiritually, I am tested HARDCORE on the subject. is it just me?

Maybe I dont want the eyes of my heart opened!! 🙈


Sweet baby Jesus, can you please just let whoever I come in contact with be spiritually enlightened instantaneously with the same conviction? 🙌🏼

#gobeforeme #specificprayer

Open letter from my husband 

If you know my wife you know that she is very caring. The kind of friend a friend would want to have. She does everything she can for the people she loves even when she is struggling and thats one of the many reasons I married her. 

Im a simple man and usually have few words on social media but in the last 24 hours Ive watched my wounderful wife be truly broken up and I need to say something. 

My wife got pregnant before she was married. According to the Bible that’s a sin. Even though she did everything in her power to make her 1st marriage to a abusive alcoholic work she got divorced. Again the Bible says this is a sin. She married me -TECHNICALLY adultery in the Bible, another sin. A broken commandment. Right up there with murder and taking the Lords name in vain. 

Even so we were allowed to get married, I adopted the kids, we get to be a family, we get tax breaks for all of this, I can provide insurance for my family, I am able to hold her hand in the hospital and we can legaly make decisions for each other and our kids if we need to. We attend church. These are our rights despite our sin. She said all this to me today. Then she asked if we were undeserving of our rights. She asked if she was less deserving, if I was less deserving, if our kids were less deserving of these rights. Then she asked if we were deserving of Gods grace and love. 

My wife has taught me more about Gods grace and love then I ever learned from church. She acts in love even when its uncomfortble Because of her faith and I think thats exactly what a christian should be. 

Maybe our other actions make us sinners according to the Bible but I dont believe that they make us or our kids less deserving of freedoms, rights, privleges, love or grace from the government, society or the church. 

So when I see her reading things from “the church” and “christians” discussing how sad it is or against Gods word it is when rights are extended to gays because of sin and how christians SHOULD feel and think about it with tears in her eyes, when I see how it effects her hope and crushes her faith, I wounder if its really the message of Gods will.

If youre saying that gays should not have these same rights because homosexuality is against Gods word, then you’re saying the me and my own family do not deserve our rights. I have to ask if this is the message you really want to convey because if it is I think everybody is gonna need to take a minute to look in the mirror and at friends family and congregatons to realize how many of us have or are acting against Gods will and commandments. 

What do we all deserve? 

Let those without sin throw the first stone.

DBT & Gino

I started DBT today, but only made to the last processing hour of the day. I ended up having to talk to a psych nurse for the last 2 hours discussing my reasons for being there. Not much to say about that that hasn’t already been said here though.

My Jedi saw Gino today for the first time since … well, since the decline started. I guess if I’m honest he’s been a decline since January.

This is where I get fucked up about shit. This is that part that boggles my mind. IF there is a God, no, I believe there is a God. That is not the problem. The problem is that if God is so loving and merciful, how exactly does this happen to a child. I understand that I can’t blame God for this. I believe there is as much evil in the world working to destroy us as there is good, if not more. I suppose just as there is a leader/ruler fo the good/peaceful/light side, there must then be an equal of ruling the bad/evil/dark side. Yes, just like Star Wars.

I only bring that up in the of the entry because Gino has always been “Jedi Gino” to me and everybody in the community and he is a whole force to be reckoned with. Such a spit fire and Jedi Gino has one I the best laughs I have ever heard.

So what’s plaguing me here is: Why God doesn’t intervene on his behalf? That’s what gets me fucked up. NO MOTHER should bear the weight of the loss of a child. It’s cruel. What’s more cruel is that not only does this child have to suffer, and there is no doubt he has, it’s an unimaginable suffering for anyone, much less a child. But last September, this child, this mother, this family was relieved to know that the cancer was hone. Jedi Gino has defeated the evil, merciless cancer he nicknamed “General Grievous”. BUT it came back, with vengeance and has totally ravaged his little body.

My Jedi, Gino’s best friend, finally got to sit with him today for the first time since not only his “Make A Wish” trip to Disney and the beach, but also 3 brain surgeries. He hardly resembled anyone we know but my Jedi was unphased. To him it’s his best friend through and through.

His Mom was so moved by Jedi’s actions and was brought to tears when she saw Gino responding to his mere presence. Gino even had the willpower to stay out of his room, awake, smiling and even laughing. What a gift Jedi gave to not only Gino, but his mother and whole family.

Words cannot express my pride. What an amazing kid.

The Note

I’ve decided the best way to deal with this situation concerning my terminally-ill ex-mother-in-law is to just say what I feel and mean what I say, in the most simplistic of ways and let her take it from there.
Really, that’s all I can do.

W,

I don’t know how to start this note or where it might end I guess I just feel that God has put it on my heart to write for awhile now. I don’t think I could ever reconcile the truth of what we have lived in the past few years with what you have been told. I just think it has been terribly unfair to you and I but especially the kids. I just want you to know that we really care about you, immensely. We love you and if you ever want to stop by and talk or talk about nothing at all, the kids would like that, I would too, and the door is always open. Ball’s in your court.

Stephanie

Praise You in This Storm

Often when I share things with people about things that have happened to me or are currently happening to me and follow them with a smile or a laugh, they are perplexed. It happened again today.

I found and applied for a job recently that I was rather interested in. I have been layed off for over a month now so when I got a call for an interview and the interview went well I got excited. When one of my references relayed to me some of the information that had been relayed to her, I got hopeful. When I called in for a second interview this week and was told I was one of three people left in the running for the position with the law firm out of sixty people who had initially interviewed and that there was something to be said for that, that I should give myself a pat on that back, I did. When I got the call this morning that the position had been offered to one of the other candidates, I listened as they told me that I had no short-comings and that every one really liked me but a decision had to be made and they were going to keep my resume on file because they did intend to hire in the future and would hope I might still be interested. I let my reference know that I had been passed over and I think she took it worse than I did.

WHY?!?” she demanded, and she wasn’t satisfied with the above answer. So I told her everything happens for a reason. Life is hard, but God is good. This much I am certain. Everytime I’ve questioned something that has happened, the answer has eventually come – I’ve just remained faithful and so I would this time as well. I explained that we were ok financially with one salary. My Mom is having heart surgery at the end of the month and to be honest, I would be grateful to have the time to be with her at the hospital that day and the for her recovery. There was a long pause.

Well, that’s a good attitude?”   Yes, it was presented as a question and I laughed, again told her we would talk soon and told her to have a good day and to call me so we could get together for lunch soon since my schedule is rather flexible and all.

If you’re wondering, no, I haven’t always been this way. When I was younger I tried to control every little thing that happened. I thought that being in control equalled power and power equalled respect. It took me awhile to figure out that controlling everything didn’t leave any room for error or much time for to enjoy the little things or to change your mind and try new or different things. It’s ok. It will be ok. I had to let go and let things happen on their own. It was liberating and I enjoy life a lot more. I notice things I never noticed before and things happen that might not have if I was trying to contain the situation. Now, I just trust that things will happen as they should and it might not all be good, but it will work out. I have faith, even in the thick of it that I’ll come out the other side.

“And even though my heart is torn…I will praise you in this storm”

Memorandum to God

I would never dream to question your ultimate plan for my life. Much to my surprise, even the darkest of days have always seemed to have had their purpose as things panned out. I know you’re never supposed to give me more than I can handle. However, I also know you are very busy and I thought just maybe you’ve been preoccupied with other things, such as the atrocities in the world that make my circumstance pale in comparison. So, I’ve composed this little memo to let you know that I’ve officially gotten all I can handle. I’m flattered you think so much of me, but really, I’m not this strong. I’m weak and tired. I need some sleep. I need some peace and serenity.

Please?

Accident

Jedi was in a car accident this morning.

He was on the mini-bus from daycare to school, when a truck swerved over into the lane and hit the bus, shattering the driver’s window and jolting the kids around. Thankfully, the kids were all ok. Just really shook up and some bumps and bruises. Thankfully, it happened right in front of the Fire Dept so, police, ambulance, fire trucks were on the scene ASAP and right around the corner from my work.

They released him to me at the scene and I took him to the ER to be checked out because he was complaining about his neck and back hurting and he has a bump and bruise on his left cheek where his face hit the window or wall of the bus.

Getting that phone call was the worst. My heart just sank into my stomach. I think what made it worse was that I had some kind of a premonition about this happening last week. Almost eveyday last week, I kept thinking about it and I’d tell myself I was being paranoid, he was safe, etc, etc… and then it happened.

Seeing his little tear soaked face step off the bus and being able to wrap my arms around his little body again, was the best feeling in the whole world. It was hard not to cry. I was just so thankful he was ok.

When I got him to my car, I just held his little face in my hands and kissed him all over, telling him that he was ok. And the amazing thing, was the peace my own child gave me in the moment. The first few things he said to me were… that he was scared and thought he was going to die, but that all he could think about was how happy he was yesterday with his family, and how Jesus would keep him safe. He said right after it happened he thanked Jesus for keeping him safe and that he knew his angel was with him.

As terrible of a thought it is to think that your child could be gone in a second, how comforting to know that’s what he thought about.

I feel so bad for him. It just seems like every safe thing he has known or loved in his life has been stripped away from him this past year. I know that might sound silly, but I just feel like nothing is safe anymore and it just hurts worse to hear my son vocalize things like that. And the worst part is, as a parent, is feeling there was nothing I could do to stop any of it. I can’t even describe what that feels like.