Lord knows he checked out mentally long ago but I told him to leave physically. I can’t handle his ghost on my couch that stalks the kids and I’s emotional sanctuary.
I have to re-examine my life alone. I have to face the reality that he’s never coming back.
I don’t know where this road leads. There’s parts of me that think it leads right into the treacherous pits of hell. There’s another part of me that thinks maybe that’s where I’ve already been. I’m hoping the only way out is up now.
God knows, I’m crawling and clawing at my surroundings trying to regain my balance and find some foundation to build upon. I’m being careful to not hastily build on quicksand. I’m doing a lot of examination of my surroundings and those surrounding me. I’m taking stock of intentions vs. actions, reaching out more to those that are willing to take action with me. I have no use for lip service. Put up or shut up.There’s work to be done. Lend a hand or get the hell out of the way.
Mostly I’m just promising to love myself in a way that maybe I never have. I’m loving my body and soul. Taking time to care for each. And so, I need to recommit to being here more often and writing more. That’s part of taking care of me. I always show up for my kids and friends. I know that about myself. I love that about myself, however, I need to be more selfish. I need to make time and space for my thoughts and feelings because no one else will, unless I recognize and make them a priority. I’ve given myself permission to have bad moments and days, but not all at once. If I slip and stumble, I will do the next right thing for myself. I will not allow myself to get stuck in these moments and days though. I will continually reach deep down inside myself, or even outside myself if need be, to find the momentum to keep going.
I don’t know where this road leads, but I will keep going.
This post is brought to you by voice to text. It will not be edited. Hell, it may not even be read again. All I can tell you is that I’m infuriated. I am sick to death of people who take no accountability for their lives and circumstances and play the victim. Especially when there are actual victims they have hurt and left in their wake.
I have officially moved on in my grief cycle and am done with denial and sadness.
I’m fucking furious.
Last week I came across a picture that reminded me of you. It brought me to tears and ripped open a wound. It hurt thinking of the way things are between us now. But this morning as I was donning a sacrament we share, it occurred to me that we didn’t really. WE haven’t shared things for a really long time. I have. I have tried to share. I have tried to reach out. I have more than met you halfway. I’ve picked up the tab. I’ve tried. And for someone who constantly looks around and passes judgment on others for their lack of effort in maintaining relationships, you really should stop and take a look at yourself. I dont do things because I expect anything in return. That’s not what this is about. Im just saying that if you’re always measuring people up where the hell was your ruler when it came to me? Because if you were paying any attention to what I did, especially in contrast to your lack of doing, I not only met the bar, but surpassed you. Not only did I not get any credit, but you tossed me aside without pause. Who does that? Exactly who do you think you are? Relationships are two way streets, give and take. Who do I have to be to warrant reciprocity? Obviously, Im not enough and nothing I did or do will be either. So why should I care?
I have no idea.
If anyone is owed an apology it is I, but I don’t require one. Because I love you and I forgive you. I dont care to measure or keep score. That’s how love works.