T-R-O-U-B-L-E

Jer was everything i was swearing to avoid…..tattoos, piercings, bad boy, edgy thing going on.
but he is the sweetest.

Jer is a man. a good man. he issues compliments. he’s respectful. he treats me like the only woman on earth. like a queen. and it’s sincere.
he also says the most incredible things. like last night, we were watching a movie and i started laughing and i turned to laugh w/ him and he was just smiling and looking at me and then he says, “you are so beautiful“. *melts*

a couple days ago, he had asked me about my ex. i started talking about it and stopped, telling him i would get into that one day when we didn’t have anything better to do and my sock drawer was organized. he wouldn’t let me. he told me he wanted me to talk to him about anything. so, we talked a little bit about it. i told him i had been stupid. he grabbed my hand and told me not to do that to myself. he didn’t ever want to hear me say that again. then he looked me straight in the eye and said, “just promise me no matter what happens between us you won’t go back with him. he never deserved you and it hurts me that he didn’t respect you and treat you the way you deserved. you deserve better, even if it’s not me.

Jer informed me today that he has fallen in love with me. he was so scared to say it too. he says he’s never felt like this about anyone before and so fast. he said though he never believed in it before, it was love at first sight. he clarifies, not lust, because if it was lust he wouldn’t be scared out of his mind about how he feels.

the really scary part, is that i feel that way too. it’s not scary because of him at all. in fact, i feel for the first time in a long time, i am being myself and he totally digs it. he likes me just the way i am. no … he adores the me that i am. do you know how huge that is? what scares me is that i could allow myself to be so vulnerable after everything i’ve just been through. now, this, i’m ok with? i can’t explain what the hell is going on, but there is a connection between us that is just unreal. it’s that something you read about in books or see in movies. i can totally be myself around him. i feel like i’ve known him forever. there’s nothing that we haven’t or can’t talk about with one another. it seems crazy, but it doesn’t feel crazy. it’s like everything i ever wanted in a man, every piece that was missing in everyone else that came before…..just ~poof~ appeared.

is this really happening?
to me?!?!?!?!?

my own soap opera

i think i’m gonna have to stop watching my soaps. i just wish i could stop participating in my own drama.

i decided to give myself somewhat of a day off today and tried to take it easy. i colored with the kids, we made snacks and vegged out and when they wanted to play play-doh for the 3rd time i got them set up and indulged in my recorded episodes from this week. it’s disgusting sometimes. i actually think i threw up in my mouth a little.

you know there’s this guy on there who really jacked up his marriage, and he’s actually fighting for her. he’s all like i’m gonna fix this and i’m gonna prove myself to you. does that happen?. puh-lease. oh, and my other favorite story line is between this crazy girl whose ex has really put her through this vicious cycle over and over again, of course they are the best of friends now….and now she has this all too perfect hunk of a man vowing to be patient with her and take care of her heart, he’s great with her kids, blah blah blah blah… oh and the other couple who were married and he cheated on her and now after that bitch died after giving birth to their child they are once again making their way back to one another, they’ve healed, blah blah blah…and it’s ok now, cause he’s acting like a prince again. no really, he’s an actual prince on the show.

after watching the show … you get something like my last blog. silly me, i had this moronic moment where i felt all high on possibility and the fact that no matter what happens i’m gonna be ok. he’ll be ok. the kids are gonna be ok. we’ll be friends, life will be different than how i imagined, but manageable, blah blah blah blah blah…. and all you have to add to that mix is just a couple hours and BAM! right back to reality.

i may be his friend, but he is no friend of mine. correction, in brief moments of guilt or nostalgia, or when he wants something, like a piece of ass, he can be pretty convincing, but friends…real friends don’t switch things like respect and concern on and off. as much as i wish we continue on as friends, i don’t think we can right now. there was a miscommunication between us tonight that went way too far. i started crying because he wouldn’t listen to what i was trying to say and he, once again, didn’t have the time or the heart to listen, he decided in his head what i meant and what i was trying to do and say and it was all my fault and that was that. that is not a friend.

boundaries is the word for tonight. he has all the power and control to make this as good or as bad as he wants to right now and he changes his mind too damn much. i’m gonna need to set up some really firm boundaries for myself and the kids, and we’ll have to stick with them, so we know what to expect, he knows what to expect and feelings don’t get hurt. and i also need to stop being so damn available and catering to him in the interest of the kids. it’s just as much on him as it is me and so instead of expecting what i give, i need to give what i am given.
i think that will be a good start.