I’m not trying to catch feelings, I’m trying to build an empire with MY King.
That’s real talk.
I’m done with this low level, surface bullshit. Yes, I’ve been broken, but it’s only taught me my capacity to love and I’ve grown and continue growing. I’m learning to trust myself and others in ways that have been uncomfortable, but SO worth daring greatly.
I’ve just figured out my spiritual debacle. I am not a Christian.
I am a disciple of Christ.
Putting everything else aside, taking no cues from anyone around me and striving to get this one thing right:
“A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.”
Sometimes I honestly feel as though I have been marked as a target by whatever dark forces are at play for affliction. I am way beyond my breaking point and my faith has been pushed to its very outer limits
Reads: “The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you” #autism #awareness
Often when I share things with people about things that have happened to me or are currently happening to me and follow them with a smile or a laugh, they are perplexed. It happened again today.
I found and applied for a job recently that I was rather interested in. I have been layed off for over a month now so when I got a call for an interview and the interview went well I got excited. When one of my references relayed to me some of the information that had been relayed to her, I got hopeful. When I called in for a second interview this week and was told I was one of three people left in the running for the position with the law firm out of sixty people who had initially interviewed and that there was something to be said for that, that I should give myself a pat on that back, I did. When I got the call this morning that the position had been offered to one of the other candidates, I listened as they told me that I had no short-comings and that every one really liked me but a decision had to be made and they were going to keep my resume on file because they did intend to hire in the future and would hope I might still be interested. I let my reference know that I had been passed over and I think she took it worse than I did.
“WHY?!?” she demanded, and she wasn’t satisfied with the above answer. So I told her everything happens for a reason. Life is hard, but God is good. This much I am certain. Everytime I’ve questioned something that has happened, the answer has eventually come – I’ve just remained faithful and so I would this time as well. I explained that we were ok financially with one salary. My Mom is having heart surgery at the end of the month and to be honest, I would be grateful to have the time to be with her at the hospital that day and the for her recovery. There was a long pause.
“Well, that’s a good attitude?” Yes, it was presented as a question and I laughed, again told her we would talk soon and told her to have a good day and to call me so we could get together for lunch soon since my schedule is rather flexible and all.
If you’re wondering, no, I haven’t always been this way. When I was younger I tried to control every little thing that happened. I thought that being in control equalled power and power equalled respect. It took me awhile to figure out that controlling everything didn’t leave any room for error or much time for to enjoy the little things or to change your mind and try new or different things. It’s ok. It will be ok. I had to let go and let things happen on their own. It was liberating and I enjoy life a lot more. I notice things I never noticed before and things happen that might not have if I was trying to contain the situation. Now, I just trust that things will happen as they should and it might not all be good, but it will work out. I have faith, even in the thick of it that I’ll come out the other side.
“And even though my heart is torn…I will praise you in this storm”
“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”
I went to church last weekend to see a missionary from South Africa. It was uplifting, freeing. The missionary was on fire and I burned, a good burn. No more scraping the bottom of the barrell, no more false starts.
I believed there was hope, there was victory. Not that there would be but that there already was.
In the passing week, everytime a negative thought has fluttered between the space in my head, it was shut out. Yeh, I see you, but (flick) see ya.
I’m trying this whole – what you put out there comes back to you thing, so…I can’t say what I am most fearful of. I just squash it.
Is that really possible? Is that what this is about? Am I really supposed to pretend this isn’t happening?
How do you shut out when your mother tells you they found “a significant mass”. That there will be an operation “as soon as possible”. That “the oncologist is on board”.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.