Own your shit. 

Via: elephant journal
I don’t mean own anything physical. I mean, let’s all own that nasty, yucky, sticky, emotional and physiological stuff that’s been bogging us down, stifling our true brilliance, tarnishing our beautiful souls.
Let’s Own. It.
So….perhaps some of us are living with a troubled past. Or present. Let’s own it.
Food issues?
Completely codependent?
Trust issues?
Commitment phobic?
Let’s own it all.
I could write a novel length list of possible “issues,” hang-ups, phobias, attachments and questionable personality attributes. The cold hard truth is this: we all have shit in our lives that needs to be dealt with. Nobody’s life is perfect. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has gotten a free or easy ride on this attraction we call life.
The first step is getting over any judgment or preconceived notion that our struggle is somehow more important, more difficult or more traumatizing than anyone else’s, because we never know what that person we perceive as happy, grounded and full of grace has had to struggle through. We only see what people want us to see, through a lens of our own twisted perception that creates our personal reality.
We are special and unique because we are beautiful individuals…not because of what we’ve been through. That “stuff” doesn’t define us. We all have our own shit. Let’s get over the idea that ours makes us entitled to anything—a bad attitude, sympathy, permission to treat ourselves or others poorly…no. Just…no.
Okay. We’ve gotten over the twisted entitlements and yes, we’ve got some less than shiny-happy pieces of our lives. Now, let’s take full and total responsibility for it. Own it.
I don’t mean that anything that happened to us is our fault. That’s silly. Sometimes we are made victims and that is a terrible thing. Sometimes we find ourselves in traumatic or just really crappy feeling situations and that sucks. I don’t mean that we have to take responsibility for the actions of others or for pure bad universal luck, but we do have to take responsibility for how we’ve dealt with or reacted to it.
If it will make you feel better, I’ll go first:
I am a co-dependent woman who loves too much. I have a weird relationship with food and use it as a coping mechanism when I’m uncomfortable in any way. I have made some poor choices in romantic partners (and a couple friends) that put me into some scary and traumatic situations. I sometimes seek out affection to validate my worthiness and often find myself fighting battles that are not my own in hopes that it will earn me love.
I own all the previously mentioned craziness. What does this mean for me? It means that I fully recognize that I’m a broken person but in that recognition is a big ol’ helping of some serious self-love and acceptance. I may be broken but I own the hell outta all those little pieces of me and as a result I’m embracing my areas of opportunity and have found the motivation I need to work through them.
Doing the work isn’t easy.
It’s easy to pretend that everything is bright and shiny and perfect, that we don’t need anything from anyone because life is grand just as it is…but as for me, I cannot live another day without embracing my “stuff,” without owning my shit, because doing so would be inauthentic and I just can’t breathe another breath living a lie.
Want some more cold hard facts? Until we own every little piece of ourselves, until we fully see ourselves and own who we are, what made us that way and want to fight to rise above and be our best selves, we will never be happy. We will never have a healthy relationship—with ourselves or with anyone else. Period. Harsh truths.
What can we do? We can hire a therapist. Do some introspection. Exercise our bodies, minds and spirits to exercise out our personal demons. Sometimes it takes some work just to uncover enough bravery and self-love to fully recognize or see your own “stuff,” and that’s okay.
Let’s own our shit, and then do the work to shovel it out of our personal experiences.
It will always be part of our story, but it doesn’t have to be the main plot.

Stirring the pot

The last couple days have been strange.

First, Ive been sick on and off for nearly two weeks. Nausea and pretty much everything I eat going right through me.

It started a couple days before my birthday, went away for a couple days and then back again right around the 1st of the month. I thought the 2nd bout was due to a medicine change until I remembered the first. Anyways, long story short, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I went to the doctor and it’s negative. Came home and took another one and its positive. Bloodwork from doctor’s office comes back negative. All things considered, it was a little bit of an emotional roller coaster. Shock, joy, fear, wonder, apprehension. I even dreamed about a little girl named, Lacy. Even joked with Jer about twins.

Now. it’s all numb and it’s probably better that way. I don’t want to think or concern myself with what else could cause 2 false positive pregnancy tests. Medicine? Cysts? Cancer?

I’ll just wait to see the doctor.

New Years Resolutions

I didn’t make any concrete resolutions for this year, but I had some pretty resolved ideas of things I wanted, no needed, to do this year.

For example: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. One of the things I resolved to do this year was not so much to lose weight but to transform my life – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually… This is a multi-faceted thing. I want to get my life back. I don’t mean that I’ve been unhappy – I have been more happy in the last 3 years, even in the midst of great suffering, than I can ever recall, but like a lot of mothers I’ve spent the last few years a little lost in my kids. I don’t regret that in anyway. They needed me. We needed each other. We went through a divorce and remarriage, reestablishing ourselves and we’ve finally gotten to this good place where we are ok with our lot in life and all that involves from that past or that might carry over from the past. Right now is a time when I actually have the ability to take more time for me and I need to.

Physically, one of the ways that I am attempting to keep this on track is that I’ve joined a medically based fitness center. With some of my health issues and because my physical therapy has been run out of the same building it made a lot of common sense to be able to have child care on site with a membership and continue my workouts as well. One great thing about this is that as a member they start you out with an assessment and an exercise prescription. They redo the prescription every couple months so you don’t get bored and the assessment is done every six months to check your progress and set new goals and keep you on track. I think that’s awesome. I’m actually kinda excited about July and finding out where I am. I am also happy to report that I made the Consistency Club last month and got the added bonus of losing 8lbs. And in another small, but HUGE feat for me, I have stopped biting my nails. I heard that it takes 21 days to pick up or break a habit so – I’ve broken a bad one and picked up a good one. Go me!

Spiritually, I’ve decided that I need to get back to church more. I’m not big on organized religion per se but I am not so dumb as to believe that I can completely neglect my spirit and feel honkey dorey. I’ve seen so many people who have it all and feel empty and go: “Why aren’t I happy?” Hey – it’s called your soul – you’re neglecting it! Now, I’m not saying that there are not other things that people can do that fuels their soul, it just so happens that for me, going to church – for the most part, helps me reconnect spiritually and shed the negative stuff. It gets me back to a true place of knowing that come what may – it will work as out as it should and I will find my way.

Emotionally and Mentally, the plan was to get back to blogging because lets face it in order to keep one’s sanity you have to keep your sanity and blogging is a heck of a lot cheaper than seeing a therapist. So – this is a start to keeping that promise to myself. I’m a little behind and I could make a bunch of excuses, but the truth is that its important and I need to make the time and so I will.

It appears I’m off and running and have finally put these plans to paper. I always hate sharing these kinds of things because of the accountability factor but – the last resolution deals with living with more integrity. I don’t think this is something that I required large amounts of work on, but something I think we could all strive to improve and on that note: I have put it out there and am making myself accountable.

Time will tell.

This Morning

Pickle had a complete emotional breakdown this morning. He got in trouble for being too rough with his sister and when I disciplined him for it, he just lost it.

He was crying, shaking, he could hardly form words. Started talking a lot about his “Dad”, how hurt he was, how angry, sad.  It went on for about 40 minutes. We had a good talk. He hugged me and let me hold him while he cried. If you have a child on the spectrum, you understand what a rarity this is.

Then he wiped his eyes said he was going to be ok and went on about his day. Which was a pretty good one. He was helpful to me and his brother and sister. He was interactive with us.

Very interesting.

Nice recovery. I’ll take it.

Will it ever end?

This weekend, Jer and I started sorting through stuff in the basement and trying to get it cleaned up and organized. It’s nice to be sitting here at a grown-up desk, at a new computer, with all my work stuff organized and in it’s place. Very nice.

However, while digging through the basement – I came across some things that I had kept as keepsakes for the kids. Holding the outfits that I brought Jedi and Diva home from the hospital in swept me up in a flood of emotions I wasn’t prepared for. I found a file of stuff from EL Chupa’s first divorce and records I kept of all the horrible things the EggDonor put Pickle through. It stung a little, realizing how much work I did, to end up here. Somehow it just doesn’t seem right that after everything I’ve done that I should be treated with such disdain. Scratch that – it isn’t right – period. what should be happening is that El Chupa and I should be putting ourselves aside, we should be respecting each other as the other parent of our children, and showing our children that even though marriages ends, love can go on in a different way, by being friends with each other’s best interest and ultimately our children’s best interest at heart. But instead all I’m getting is down right ridiculous, immature and petty behavior.

This is how it happens.

It’s always a little thing like this.

I call the pharmacy for refills on Pickle’s seizure meds last night, no biggie. Jer runs up to get them for me and they didn’t fill the one. Seems medical insurance companies can do this. They can pay for a medication one month, they won’t pay for it the next month. But, this is anti-seizure medication. It’s not like the kid can go without it, right? I’m annoyed. I call the pharmacy. She is equally annoyed with said insurance company and very sympathetic to my cause. She will make phone calls to help in the morning, as will I. I make a mental list in my head of who I need to call to get this taken care of before his medication runs out in three days. This is course is the reason why I always call these things in a few days in advance. It’s another one of the small things I do, without notice. And as I’m standing there in the kitchen with his four prescription bottles in my hand, I lost it. I was angry. I was hurt. I was 10 different emotions at once.

How does this happen? How do you step up in a child’s life, take that child in as your own and adopt that child as your own responsibility for the rest of your life, to have the child’s father… totally unappreciate it, disregard it, and then cast you aside and move on? To me, this is a huge thing to do. If for some unforeseen reason The ex wasn’t a part of our children’s life anymore and a man stepped up to the plate and took care of them and got them the help that Pickle has required, I would be forever grateful and appreciative. Everything else would pale in comparison. But, I guess it’s ludicrous to except a blind man to see…well, anything.

But what about everyone else? What about all those who have taken his “side” and support him…who believe I was this heartless bitch who fucked him over? How can they believe that considering … everything?

It hurts. It makes things seem futile.

But, It’s not about it me, I know that.  It’s just a moment and an emotion I wanted to express.

This is about Pickle. If it wasn’t, if it were about the ex or me, I would’ve walked away years ago and let whatever was gonna happen with Pickle happen. If I had known how all the chips were gonna fall in the end, I still would’ve done the same thing. I still would’ve stood up for him, helped him and loved him as my own. It’s horrifying to me to think where he would be and what his life would be like if I hadn’t. I AM GRATEFUL to have him in my life and for the lessons he has taught me. I’ll forever be grateful to my own parents and family for accepting him as my own as well and not treating him any different from my biological children.

Maybe that is it’s own legacy of love.

Braces yourselves …

I actually had an adult conversation with EX today.

It went pretty well. We were discussing moving up our hearing date with the divorce and got into talking about how difficult the whole thing has been. He was talking about being conflicted about everything going on, because there is a lot. Not only are we grieving the loss of whatever it is we had, but we are both trying to balance out new lives, new budgets, new roles, responsibilities and relationships. I started to tell him to be cautious with the new girl. I told him that I liked her and that she seemed nice, but I was worried he might start a pattern over. That it seemed similar to how our relationship started. Me being in a bad place and seeing someone else in a bad place that wanted to help. That I didn’t want him to take her for granted or vice versa. He said it wasn’t like that, that she had her own stuff going on and that I should understand because isn’t it different with Jer?

Well, yes it is, because #1- he’s not coming out of a marriage and #2- he doesn’t have kids. I’m not rescuing him. I’m not trying to help him in anyway.  My point was the similarity of EX coming out of his first marriage and getting immediately involved with me and him coming out of our marriage and getting immediately involved with her. It is similar in that way. Not that she is like me or anything like that, I don’t know her, I couldn’t say, but it is similar.

He told me that something had happened between them, that neither one of them was ready for, he said she didn’t think a guy like him existed and they fell in love. That was kinda hard to take to be honest. knowing somebody you tried to share your life with is moving on, is one thing, but to hear that it is, love … a little different. This is where your mind starts spinning … you start to ask questions and think about things that might not even be rational.

It occurred to me that his office Christmas party was tonight and that he would be going with her. Do you know that I actually bought myself a hot little number to wear to this thing tonight months ago? To look good for him? Do you know what it felt like to take it back? It was like that dress held so many more things and I just had nothing to do with it anymore. (sigh) I started thinking about how he probably wouldn’t even have this job if i hadn’t have encouraged him to go to that 2nd interview. What would’ve happened then?Iif he hadn’t have met certain people through that job and had their influences fueling the fire, would we be here now? Would he not have started staying out all hours of the night drinking with his boss and coworkers? If he hadn’t have had so much pressure put on him by his job, would he have drank so much? Would he have ignored his family the way he did? Or was it all inevitable? Honestly, he did those things before this job. Then I  wonder what kind of guy he is that she thought didn’t exist. Couldn’t have been the guy who was around towards the end of our marriage, cause those guys are a dime a dozen. I guess part of me wonders if it’s actually possible that he can be with her, what he could never be with me and why is that? Why couldn’t he be this stand up guy for his me? For our children? for our family? It doesn’t make sense. I mean, wouldn’t he have had more motivation be that guy to save his own family? Which leads me to wonder if it is just a smokescreen?

This is what led to me telling him that it concerned me that she could have read most everything on my blog and have just brushed it aside and got involved with him so quickly. I didn’t understand that. He said she had formed her own opinion about that. And I said, I know and that’s what concerns me. She has kids, she really should address it. He seemed to start getting annoyed and I just said “Look, I’m not trying to criticize either one of you. If you or even she were one of my friends, I’d say hey…this needs to be addressed seriously.” I’m trying to be a friend and maybe it’s hard for him to hear that right now, but I have to say it and that’s all I can do. He said they had talked about it. I told him that I hoped that he didn’t tell her I was full of shit and that she hadn’t just accepted it. That would be highly irresponsible on both ends. I don’t know what he said or what she said about it, but … the truth is, it concerns me. Mostly because when I got involved with him, he blamed everything on his ex, the reasons he drank, the reasons he was so horrible to her, was all because SHE made him miserable. It was a lie, but all i could see was what i wanted to see. i ignored the obvious, which is, like he is so fond of saying, “it takes two.” I just think If he doesn’t really deal with this, all of it, he will continue to self-destruct just because he never made amends or took responsibility enough to put the burden down so that he can REALLY move on. that’s the change i haven’t seen and that’s why i worry. You know if you can’t see that you did something wrong then you can’t change it, and if you don’t change it you’re bound to repeat it.

I told him that I wanted him to be happy and in a healthy relationship, but in order to do that, he was going to have to be honest with himself and her about what has gone down and how he’s feeling about this whole process. I told him that I was fortunate to be with someone who lets me grieve this loss, without making it about him, without feeling like he isn’t good enough, or feeling that maybe I want EX back and that I hoped he and she could do the same for each other, but it would be hard since she is going through her own divorce and he needs to be aware of her feelings in that regard as well. They both have kids to think about too. I don’t want him to get hurt, I don’t want her to get hurt and I sure as hell don’t want any of the kids to get hurt.

Yep, It’s official.

I’m a mother. I feel the need to protect and nurture everyone.

God help me.

In other news, got to have lunch with my girlfriend downtown today after having to go to court (for work). It’s really great to be able to do things again and be myself again. My girlfriend was even saying how I’m back to acting like myself and how much she’s missed seeing me smile, and hearing me laugh.  She talked about how much she liked Jer and how happy she was for me. That made me feel good. That someone else sees it and appreciates it as much as I do.

I’m happy for me too.

Things are going well. I’m almost done with another quarter at school. Looks like I’ll be graduating this summer. Work is going well. Things are picking upa nd moving forward. It’s very rewarding work that I feel good about doing. The kids are doing well. Despite the typical ornery behavior stuff here and there, they are much more settled and happy. That does my heart well.

And my love life, well…. it’s the icing on the cake. Jer is a great guy with an awesome heart.

I am such a lucky girl…..no I’m blessed. Truly, I am. And the funny thing is, all the crap that I’ve been through, that i thought would destroy me….has only made this all the more sweeter.