Note to Self

“If someone is being unkind or petty or jealous or distant or weird, you don’t have to take it in. You don’t have to turn it into a big psychodrama about your worth. That behavior so often is not even about you. It’s about the person who’s being unkind or petty or jealous or distant or weird. If this were summed up on a bumper sticker it would say: Don’t own other people’s crap. The world would be a better place if we all did that.”

True Colors

For example, in January there was this stupid disagreement that occurred between my sister and I, on Facebook of all places. Actually, to be more accurrate…my sister imagined a disagreement between us and it continued from there. I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience where you say something to someone in humor and it doesn’t get conveyed via the internet and they blow it out of proportion and then you’re sitting at your computer going….’Wait, what the fuck just happened?’ or is it only me these things happen to?

Remember when people were posting their bra colors as statuses??? Yeh – it’s about that, that’s how stupid this is.

It started because I posted my bra color as my status and then forwarded the message to my closest friends/family (so I thought) to do the same. All in fun, no big deal, everyone I send the message to does it, except my sister. Sometime later, my sister posts as her status that: “Posting your bra color as your status does more to promote Victoria Secret than breast cancer awareness. It’s stupid/slutty. Do something worthwhile and go to komen.com”

(Ironically, the Susan Komen foundation loved this campaign. See here, here, and here.)

Anyways, when I read this status I read it to my husband and laughed. I know my sister’s personality. If she thinks she’s right and your wrong, she will beat a dead horse with it. She always takes it as a personal attack if you challenge any of her thoughts/beliefs and then plots a personal attack on you or whomever has made this mistake. You can’t say anything or it’s an insult, but she can actually insult you and you’re just supposed to take it. And if you insult her, even unknowingly or just in her perception, she’ll never forget it.

You’ve never seen someone hold a grudge like this girl. She hates everyone. She’d be the first to admit that. Then she’ll get upset and say eveyrone ignores her, no one wants to hang out, no one acknowledges her birthday. I mean she’s said this to me about people in our family and I’m thinking: “But you hate them, so what does it matter.” Nothing is ever good enough anyways so who would want to try?

I’ve never faulted her for it, she’s my sister, I love her, Ive written it off as immaturity, but as she’s gotten older it can be exhausting. So, I’ve just learned to take it in stride.

In this case, I saw her post, I just laughed and then I wrote “Thanks” as a comment under her status. I cannot convey the inflection of the voice I intended to use to convey this over the internet, but it was not meant to be like “Thanks alot, bitch” or anything close. It’s one word. She wrote” “Sorry it’s true.” I actually did write “So I’m stupid/slutty?” and then deleted it thinking she wouldn’t understand the humor and would blow it out of proportion. Turns out, it was too late. How this turns into the rest of it, I’ll never know.

This led to her sending a REPLY ALL message to everyone I had sent the bra color instruction to saying basically that I had over-reacted and made all this drama like I always do and that she can’t write anything on her Facebook without me thinking its about me!?!?!

HELLO POT – YOU’RE BLACK!

I was beyond confused. I simply wrote back and asked her what her problem was and that this was all in good fun for a good cause that she needed to relax. That essentially I wasn’t mad. that she was in fact the one starting the drama. I told her I wasn’t sure who had pissed in her Cherrios today and what the problem was, but I hope she felt better.

Now, mind you this message was a thread to other people and some of these other people are our family members who had posted the color of their bra, some of them were friends and work colleagues of mine who in fact, have lost loved ones to breast cancer and so none of them understood what she was upset about or what had happened and were trying to explain themselves. I just apologized for the dramatics. And then one very opinionated friend, Matilda, basically said that we all needed to SHUT THE F*&% up and get over it because “there are wars and shit” and I agreed.

I don’t know if that upset my sister or what but the next day I’m sitting at work and I get a text message from my sister that says “You’re a cunt

The only person whom has ever called me this word, to my face anyways, was my EX. Immediately, Im vulnerable and wounded. I ask her what her problem is and explain that this is some imaginary conflict between us, I’m not mad and don’t understand what the hell is going on. Then she tells me that I’ve crossed the line this time (???), she’s done with me, that she doesn’t love me, she hasn’t for a long time (???) but has tolerated me because we’re sisters and I’m not to contact her again.

OUCH! If it wasn’t so incredibly hurtful, I would have laughed at the stupidity of it. I cried the whole way home from work that day.

The worst part of all this is that my mother and father both had health issues last year in which we thought we might lose them both. If anything that experience only reignited my belief that life is too short and you hold those close to you tight while you can because tomorrow may never come. It’s even more hurtful and confusing to me that she has chosen to behave this way because now my parents can’t enjoy their family all together because my sister refuses to speak/see me. Which also means she is not speaking/seeing my children which I can’t even find words to express my feelings on. I’m sure she’d see them if they went somewhere without me, but you know what, I’m fucking tired of people playing games that involve my children. Seriously, grow up! I just can’t fathom that she would be so selfish, knowing everything my parents and my children have been through. But maybe that’s the problem entirely. Maybe she just can’t see past herself. She can’t put herself in anyone else’s shoes and see the flip side of her behavior. I don’t know.

Normally in this situation I would call, email, write, etc….doing everything I can to figure this out. Make myself sick with worry over her and her psychological health. Not just for me, but for my parents who deserve way better than to suffer over something so petty. For family in general. I did tell my Mom I was sorry things were like this. She told me I didn’t owe her an apology. I too recognize that this isn’t my fault, but I still want to fix it for Mom and Dad.

Regardless, because I know I am already in the thick of dealing with my own overflowing plate…..I let it go. Completely. There’s no grudge. And unlike the old me there’s no worry. It just is. I’m not going to seek her out, but I will always be here. I don’t know that we’ll ever be close after this. It is what it is.

No matter what you’ve done for yourself or for humanity, if you can’t look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?

He’s never seen the light, he only feels the heat

The title of this blog is my mother’s favorite way to describe my ex and boy, has she nailed it. If I had to pick a sentence to capture it all, that’d be the one.

As always, things have come full circle with ElChuba Douchebag. (Half mythical being/half douchebag)

The kids are back in counseling, we’re headed back to Court. He wants his child support reduced – all about money. I want supervised visits reinstated – all about kids’ well-being.

It’s only been 6 months since we agreed to let him have these unsupervised visits and it’s been a nightmare. One thing after another. He doesn’t have money for food to feed them, can’t get them, he’s gotta do this, do that, tells the kids to fight with me so they can come live with him (yes, that really happened, i.e…so he doesn’t have to pay support) tells the kids I’m a pain in the ass.

My youngest son has had enough. Every visit is this coax and wait, is he going, isn’t he. Do I help? Do I not? If he doesn’t go, its days of hell with EX its all my fault, yada yada, If he does go, its days of hell because I have to hold him while he cries and watch him struggle with his emotions. It’s pretty said to hear your 8 year son say “I want to go back to seeing Dad at the visitation center. That was the only time he did what he was supposed to because somebody is watching him and he pretends to be good.”

The kid is just as God made him, discerning. He thinks about things logically and he figures people out pretty quick.  

Things have gotten a little creepy for me too. Drunk phone calls at 1am. pretend texts from his girlfriend saying that she thinks she’s standing in the way of us getting back together and being a happy family.
Yeh, this whole divorce and remarriage thing? Just for shits and giggles people. It’s all been a sad ploy to see how much we’re meant to be together.
Text messages from his phone that his ‘friend’ sent that says “I want you to get rid of Jereme or whoever and come back home, or I’ll come there. I’m your husband and I always will be.” (shiver)

I can’t even review everything that has happened in the last six months because I’d be writing forever. But, Its so horrific that I made yet another request of the Court and the hearing is on the 16th.

Mentally prepare for the drama to unfold when he gets served notice.

Here we go again.

BridesMAIDzilla

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If I haven’t said so… I’m planning a wedding.

Jer and I are getting married Labor Day weekend. I’m thrilled. I know I got the right guy and after everything that’s happened, its high time to get together with those who love us and CELEBRATE!!!

Turns out that’s not so easy because everyone has their own life, with their own issues and their own ideas that somehow have to be taken into account…for our wedding?

Case in point, my cousin, Ni. We’ve been close our whole lives. I was her maid of honor in her wedding and I always planned to have her as mine. The day after Jer proposed to me, I asked her to be my maid of honor. At the time she was living out of state and so, I was delighted when she and her husband decided to relocate their family 5 minutes away. I’ve wrote about that before. Once they get here, Jer and Ni’s husband, Jo, start hanging out and since we’re trying to keep the wedding party all family, Jer asks him to be his best man. Cool. Except as soon as we do, Ni starts talking about how we need to be sure to have my Aunt Chey, who is doing my photography and did hers as well, get a picture of her and Jo all dressed up since she didn’t get one of the two of them together at her own wedding. (It was the first wedding Chey ever did, as a favor, free). Then Ni asks me to make her daughter a flower girl with my daughter in the wedding. I tell her that its a special thing for the kids as I am getting remarried and want them to feel important to the event.

Six months after asking Ni to be in the wedding and four months after her arriving to Ohio, it was time to go pick out her dress. We go and try on dresses and end up picking out our favorites, which were dresses she had posted pictures of on my MySpace as suggestions.

This is when the 1st SNAFOO happens:My cousin Li goes to try on dresses (she’s out of state) and the first dress is not “holding her in”. They don’t have the other dress Ni and I had listed so she says she will go back after we actually order Ni’s dress. We decide we’ll go with Dress #2

SNAFOO 2:Before we are supposed to go order the dress, Ni tells me, not by phone or face to face, but via MySpace, that her stimulus check didn’t show up and won’t be here for about a month so she can’t afford the dress right now. She asks me if I can buy it for her and she’ll pay me back out of her husband’s bonus check at the end of the month. This is problematic for obvious reasons (I have so many other wedding expenses and am far from financially able to front money like this) but was worsened by the knowledge that she had six months to get this money together, had the money to eat pratically every night, was ready to make a purchase amounting to the dress cost the weekend prior to receiving this message and that she had to add in … “I don’t have parents I can borrow it from like you“. Despite all this – I bit my tongue and tell her I will figure out a way to order the dress and we’ll go the following weekend. The next message doesn’t offer any appreciation to this effort but instead a “Geesh! it’s not like you’re giving me the money-you’re just fronting it. It’s not like I wanted this to happen.” Bite tongue again….move on.   My Mom says she will pay for it with her credit card so we can get it ordered and Ni can just pay her back. We go down to order the dress and decide to try on a couple more dresses before placing the order. I don’t like any other as much as the first dress we picked out and they all have the same problem presenting for my other cousin (bridesmaid) in that they were strapless. Dress #2 also covers Ni’s tattoo on her breast, as SHE wanted, and would look great on both she and Li so we order Dress #2.

In the meantime, Ni’s rent gets behind and they need the bonus money for the rent and now she’ll pay my Mom back out of her stimulus, when she got it. Whatever. When we go to pick up Dress #2, I decide to get a new wedding dress. To make a long story short… I bought my dream dress years ago and never wore it, so I was going to wear it now, BUT my dreams have changed I guess. No big deal. Ni is actually excited about the whole thing, and I find a dress, get to see her dress against it, love it, order it. We go on our way.

SNAFOO 3 – Out of nowhere Jo decides he is unhappy here in Ohio and not making enough money so they are moving back to Virginia in less than two weeks. This is CRAZY! All the reasons they moved to Ohio, being closer to family, our kids growing up together, better schools, etc, etc, still remain. This also means that they will need their stimulus check for their relocation – again. I begin asking if they are sure they will be back for the wedding because the move is going to cost a lot of money on top of still needing to get Jo’s tux, Ni’s shoes, accessories and alterations for the wedding and now renting a car or airfare and a hotel. She’s taken back when I mention the hotel, because she assumed that they would be staying with us.

Ok…stop here, have you ever gone to any wedding and thought you would just bunk up at the bride and groom’s place???

Anyways, I side-step that pile of poo and explain it’s going to be crazy and I’ll have to talk to Jer about it because that would be a lot more stressful and that we don’t know how the kids are going to be feeling then and blah, blah, blah. She actually tells me at this point that if they can’t stay with us, then they can’t be in the wedding. Now I’m out a best man and maid of honor if I don’t let them stay with us. (At this point, I start thinking how I’m gonna pay my Mom back for this maid of honor dress now that no one else can wear and my GOD what if I had made her daughter a flower girl – AHHH!) Of course, when I tell Jer, he thinks the whole thing is nuts, he says that ever since I asked Ni to be in the wedding it’s been nothing but problems and I’ve been stressed out. That I should have a maid of honor who can deal with her own stuff because I have enough to take care of.

The next day, I get a MySpace message, Ni decides, for MY SAKE, that they aren’t going to be in the wedding, but they will definitely be here for the wedding. She wouldn’t miss it.  I’m disappointed, but at this point its almost a relief because its been nothing but stress and I really didn’t think it was going to work out and didn’t want all this to ruin our relationship.  I call David’s Bridal and tell them the situation, ask if there’s anything we can do with the dress, they tell me I can bring it in for store credit, more or less. I still need shoes and all that jazz so, that works for me and my Mom. Sigh of relief. I tell her I’m disappointed, but I understand that she’s just not in a place in her life right now where this could work out and it really only mattered that she was there. I tell her that I’ll get the dress from her and can get store credit, yada, yada yada …

The next day was the day my cousin Li was going to order her dress. She goes and tries on several dresses, I told her so long as it was the same color, fabric, length, she could get what she felt comfortable in because at this point there is no bridal party. She calls me and tells me that they have a dress that matches my wedding gown and comes in the color and she really likes it. She says if I still want the other dress she’ll order it because it’s my wedding. (What a revelation!) I look it up online while shes on the phone and I like it and since she’s the only one in the wedding at this point it doesn’t really matter, and if thats what she feels comfortable in – all the better, her Mom says it looks great, I’m fine with it….so she orders that dress.

SNAFOO #4 – Two hours after Li orders her dress, Ni calls me and tells me that she and Jo have talked about it and since they are definitely coming no matter what…it wouldn’t cost much more to be in the wedding so long as my Mom can wait for her to pay her back…again, they’ll be there. I tell her I don’t think it will be a problem and that I will talk to my Mom. I start telling her about Li going to the store and ordering her dress and that she got a different dress but its the same color and that she was going to upload a pic to MySpace soon. We get off the phone and shortly after she sees the pictures of Li in her dress she calls me back and starts asking if since David’s Bridal was going to give me a store credit if she could take her dress back because she tried this dress on and it was more flattering and if she keeps the dress she had now she would have to pay extra to get a good girdle to hold her and she would feel really fat standing next to Li. Now, I’m just annoyed. Now she’s bitching about a dress that not only did she pick out with me and try on, but she hasn’t even paid for? I tell her that the store was only willing to do that to help me out and it would make me look stupid if she tried to exchange it because they knew who she was. I tell her if she wants to call them she can. We get off the phone. I’m stressed out all night. I decide to go back through the pictures we took in the different dresses and realize she had never even tried the dress Li ended up with on. There was one similar, but it was strapless which was why we stuck with Dress #2.

Final straw SNAFOO- I get a phone call the next morning from Li who sounds really hurt, because Ni called her and left her a voicemail, after not calling her for any reason for months, telling her that the dress Li got was the one she originally wanted and that she would feel fat standing next to her in her other dress. I don’t even know what the purpose of that call was. Was she supposed to change her order? Was it just to make her feel bad? I just didn’t get it and after thinking about it, I just decided Jer was right and after all, it’s his wedding too. This was the whole reason I just wanted to have family in the wedding party, to avoid this kinda shit.  I couldn’t deal with all this and that was it. This whole thing was turning into a nightmare fast and was taking away from the only thing that mattered to me to begin with … Me & Jer.

I had to go home on my lunch break to submit a project to my professor by a deadline. Since messaging seems to be her preferred mode of communication I signed onto Yahoo Messenger and started talking to her. Basically, I tell her that it’s not working out and it’s more stress that I don’t need, that ever since I asked her to be in the wedding it’s been all about her and I need someone to help me and I have to draw the line. She says the only way its about her is because of her money situation. I point out that this isn’t just happening TO her, that she had plenty of time to buy this dress and the way she went about bringing up how she didn’t have parents to ask to borrow the money from was not cool. She starts acting like a victim of me, the horrible, bitch bridezilla, says she was willing to do whatever she had to to be in my wedding (except of course wear a dress that she didn’t pay for but got to pick but didn’t like) She immediately goes into getting nasty and character attacking me, saying that I didn’t do anything for her wedding (let me mention at this point that I lived out of state, that I didn’t even get to see the dress for her wedding, much less pick one out and try it on before ordering it and I paid for it myself and drove from Ohio to Virginia TWICE for wedding stuff and that I asked if she wanted a bachelorette party and she said no, that wasn’t her thing and she didn’t want Jo to have a bachelor’s party) that she understood now why my sister didn’t want to be in the wedding ( my sister isn’t into the whole wedding gig and having a lot of attention on her – no big deal) and that I would regret doing this to her and that she and her mother, my Aunt Terry, wouldn’t be attending (nannynannybooboo). I told her she didn’t need to act that way. That it wasn’t a dramatic situation, it just wasn’t working out. She told me I was the one being dramatic. She told me she would let Jerm pick up the dress because she didn’t want to see me. I tell her she doesn’t need to be immature and that I would come get the dress because I was going back down to Davids to pick up my dress that night.

I drive over, she opens the door, thrusts the dress at me and then slams the door in my face.

When I send her a message in the next couple days asking when they need Jer there to move stuff, she says No Thanks, your Dad is helping. He has Parkinson’s. Obviously, he can’t so I explain that Jer will be there to help my Dad and my Dad was counting on that, if she can’t be civil, I’ll just have my Dad call when he’s on his way. Then I ask if I can bring the kids over to say good-bye to the kids before they leave town and she tells me I won’t be able to see the kids before they leave because she doesn’t wish to see me.

ARE YOU F***IN KIDDING ME? now our kids, our daughters being best friends, aren’t allowed to see each other because YOU’RE mad at ME? I can’t see who I consider to be my niece and nephew and tell them good-bye? Who the fuck does this shit? That really upset me. I thought it was extremely selfish and unfair. Then for extra measure, she removed not only me, but Li , from her TOP 8 on MySpace and her Mom did the same (EWWWW! Burn! insert eyeroll. WTF?) I swear to God its the most immature, crazy bullshit ever. Then her Mom, who never contacts me, sends me a message on MySpace saying that I should take the picture down of Ni and I in our dresses at the store off my page. I just deleted them both, not out of spite, but just to spare myself the bullshit and avoid anymore unnecessary drama. I had to have my Mom take the kids over to say “good-bye” and Ni hasn’t said a word to me since.

When Li goes over to my Nana’s house in Kentucky, where my Ni’s Mom lives, she confronts Li saying that she’s not mad at her but that what I did wasn’t right. What the hell does she have to be mad about? Then to top it off my Aunt Terry has told people that she isn’t coming to the wedding and never even bothered to know the whole story. My Mom was THERE and she knows what happened and she still didn’t treat Ni with such disdain.  But I regress because there isn’t anything I can do about it. People believe what they want, or need, to believe.

I have done a lot in my life to rid it of petty drama. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. After everything me and my children have been through, you’d think my impending marriage would matter more than some ridiculous dress, but if these people can’t get that and be happy for me and my children, family or not, I’m just not going to deal with it. It’s their loss and I’m not going to let the happiest time of my life be dragged through the mud over bullshit.

That my friends is why brides lose their shit.

wtf?

So there’s been a lot that I haven’t written about lately.

Like, the El Chupa not seeing the kids for two weeks, that when he did he used the time to bad mouth me and tell the kids I am a liar and that I’m keeping them away from him, that I take all his money to explain why he wouldn’t stop and get them an ice cream cone on the way home, what little money he does have goes to buy gas to come get them…. (which is interesting considering that’s been once every two weeks at this point, and that he drives a company vehicle, and has that gas provided for him 5 days a week while he works). Then, as an added bonus, he’s been starting in on Pickle about coming to live with him. Just Pickle.

WHY MUST HE KEEP INVOLVING THE KIDS IN ADULT ISSUES?!?

Last Friday when he was supposed to get them he called and said he would just get Pickle and Diva, because he didn’t want to have to bring Jedi all the way back out here Saturday for his baseball game, and then he doesn’t show. He calls and says that he doesn’t have a witness to come with him to get the kids…however his girlfirend was there earlier running her mouth in the background and egging him on… so he asks if he can come get them all after Jedi’s game for a couple hours to go to his sister’s graduation party (to look good for his family no doubt) and then bring them home. And I told him no… I said it’s been almost two weeks since you’ve seen them, how do you think it’s gonna make them feel that you’re coming to get them for a couple hours and they can’t spend the night like they always do. And he says, “I’m about ready to be fuckin done with all of you, just so I don’t have to deal with this shit.”

EXCUSE ME?!? I start crying and obviousely get upset asking him if he really just said that? His solution…to hang up on me and call back and record himself leaving a message saying that we must have a bad connection or something becuase when he just called someone picked up and hung up. This is his way of covering his ass somehow. It’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid.

Monday when he talked to them, I listened in as the therapist recommended, his conversation with Pickle went something like, I love you and miss you soooo much, won’t it be cool when we can see each other everyday while his conversations with Jedi and Diva were just hi, how are you doing, ok bye.

Then last night 20 mins before he’s supposed to get the kids, he calls and leaves a message that he would like to speak to the children. Not even a minute later I have Diva call him back and she said he didn’t answer the phone. wtf? Then he calls back around 7:30 and I had Pickle pick it up. HIs end of the conversation was “I love you too, I miss you too….I love you too, I miss you too” and then he said ok, bye and hung up the phone and when I pointed out he was supposed to give the phone to Jedi and Diva, he replied “Daddy was the one who hung up“. wtf is he doing now?

Really, I’m sure in his head, in some scheme he’s got cooked up, this makes sense and it’s supposed to make Pickle want to live there or me just… give him up? I don’t know. I just can’t figure how this guy can really make people believe I’m keeping the kids from him. All he has to do is drive out here and pick them up, but in order to get away from that fact he’s started saying he has to have a witness because of the CPO, even though the CPO provides he can pick up and drop off the kids here. It also says he can go to their extra-cirricular activities, but he doesn’t do that either. How can people really buy into this horseshit? I mean seriously… if you’re a parent or you know a good parent, then you know…NOTHING could keep them away from their child. Hell, even if he had a restraining order against me and I had to do all the driving to see my kids, you better believe I’d be at any given opportunity to interact with them.

UGH!

And today should be oodles of fun. My attorney just called and told me that the process server will be going out to serve him with court papers today and that he’d call me beforehand so I had some notice, because he, and I, believe it’s going to set him off.

(deep breath – talking to self: you’re doing the right thing. just hang on.)

He’s one sick puppy

El Chupa is just one sick puppy.

Get this?

After he skipped his first visitation on Tuesday this week and got on the phone with the kids and told them it was all my fault, I just came to the conclusion that I don’t want to speak to him anymore and he can send all his communications through text message or e-mail. I feel like that’s petty, but where the kids are concerned and just for my sanity I just don’t know what else to do.

 I sent him a text on Wednesday to let him know about a change in Pickle’s seizure medications. I sent him a text Thursday to let him know Jedi had bronchitis. Then another to ask him that if there was anything else he wanted out of the house that he needed to have it out by 7pm Saturday night, he would need to be accompanied by a police officer (per his own headtrip) and not wait til the last minute to make arrangements, he was to let me know by 7pm Friday what he wanted and when he would be here. I specifically asked for this 24 hour notice because I didn’t want the kids to be here when an officer showed up with their Dad. There is still some residual angst about police with them, because it was traumatic when their Dad was arrested in October.

What does he do? He calls me – yet again, and he cancels his visitation on Thursday with the kids due to “transportation issues” saying his girlfriend’s van is in the shop and that she’s using his Jeep so he can’t make it and since I won’t bring them out…. blah, blah, blah. Funny, how they’ve both ALWAYS been at the house by the time I drop the kids off. So, when I ask him about this and say it doesn’t make any sense why he can’t come get them…he says he doesn’t want to drive 40mins out here and 40 mins back to her house, spend an hour with them and then do it again.

Excuse me am I the only one with a brain who wonders why he has to have her hold his hand to visit with his kids? Why can’t he do something with them alone – without her and her three kids around? I’m sure the kids would REALLY like that. In fact, I know they would cause they complain he doesn’t do shit without her. Im highly suspect that this is HER issue. She doesn’t trust him. I guess that’s an unwanted side effect of having an affair with a married man. Anyways, then he tells me that HE doesn’t want me to call any of his numbers anymore and all MY communications can come through text or e-mail. It’s like he completely ignored me when I asked him to do it and now he’s telling me what to do? So I hung up promptly and I sent him a text, repeating exactly what I had said on the phone and then I took the kids to the art show/bookfair/ice cream social at their school (which I told him about over a month ago.)

When we got home, I had the kids call him to tell him goodnight. I could hear him yelling into the phone about me. I hear Pickle tell him that he didn’t want him to talk about me like that. When he didn’t stop, he came to me with the phone outstretched in his hand and looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “I’m going to hang up on him, Mom” so I took the phone and said his name but he didn’t even hear me, because he was yelling so loud and he still thought Pickle was on the phone. So I said his name a little louder and told him he need to stop, to keep his conversations with the kids about them. He hung up and called back and I tried to tell him again, but he kept yelling, so when he called the third time I put him on speakerphone and told him I would just do his phone calls like this until he could control himself, because the kids didn’t need to hear it, he told me he would do the same to me, which I told him was fine and then I called the Diva to the phone, still on speakerphone, and he started in on her. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you tonight, but Mommy is being mean and..” She’s 4 years old. Despite my best efforts to stay cordial with this asshat, I’m getting really pissed. I send him a text while he’s still on speaker, telling him he needs to keep his convos with the kids about them and that if he can’t I’ll have to ask the court for their recommendation because we’re both too emotionally involved to be able to make them and letting the Court make them, is just stupid. I asked him to think of them, because they need him.

Friday I made some calls to try and find a mediator that maybe we could see to get some of these issues worked out. I called the court and tried to find out how to modify my protection order to include third party intervention with visitations (meaning I would drop them off at my parents and leave and he woudl pick the kids up there, just to avoid the lack of consistency in visits for the kids) so I can completely remove myself and still allow him to be an active part of their lives. Friday night….I get a call from the cops. Cop tells me my Ex had called them about harassing telecommunications I had sent him. I told the police officer that he had asked me to contact him through text or email and that I had only been trying to make arrangements for his belongings and informing him about our kids. He said EX told him that I use that as a front to talk to him about other things and that he’s worried because I hold the protective order over his head and threaten him with it, BUT from what I was telling him, it seemed like that’s EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING. Then he says, if I were you – I would just stick to the CPO tried and true and I guess that’s how it’s going to have to be. I just hate all of this.

When he called to talk to the kids that night I told him that I wasn’t going to put them on the phone after what he had done to them the night before and that I was in the process of trying to find a court mediator so that we could get this worked out so that he wouldn’t involve them and until then, I didn’t want him to call the house or contact me in anyway. I told him just to stick to the CPO like the police officer had said, so there weren’t any misunderstandings.

Then yesterday… (insert severe eyeroll)

Since I had not heard from him about anything he wanted, Jer and I spent the day cleaning out the basement and shed in the backyard.  I threw stuff away, put stuff up on freecycle and then at 6:15pm,  an uniformed officer approached me in my back yard while I was playing with the kids and tells me Ex was here to get his belongings and asked if he could go ahead. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I told him no and explained that I had told him to let me know what time he planned to be here and what he wanted 24 hours in advanced, because I didn’t want the kids here. I showed him the text messages so of course he goes to talk to him and comes back. He said EX told him the only things he wanted were in the back shed and if I would take the kids inside he would get them. I explained that I had cleaned everything out of the shed when I hadn’t heard from him. He asked if I would accept this visit as 24 hour notice and asked if he could come back tomorrow at the same time with another officer to get his things and he would find out what he wanted so I could get it ready and just have it in the driveway or something. After he talked to him, again, he came back and told me specifically that he wanted a sliding glass door and the truck boxes. This really annoyed me, because now I knew he was just being petty and aside from that, that he had gotten the kids all worked up about another officer being at the house, just to serve his own selfish, vindictive, immature ways. I explained that the sliding glass door was for the house and that he had agreed to let me sell the truck boxes because I had put them on my credit card. I went and got my divorce papers and showed that it said I would keep all belongings except for his TV, drum set and occupational tools, which he had already removed and that he was just doing this to be spiteful and I just felt really bad that their time was being wasted this way and feeling quite emotional because of the kids. After he saw the decree he told Ex he needed to leave and contact his attorney. I could hear him ranting from the backyard. The cop came back and told me I should contact my attorney as well and consult with him before I did anything else with any of his stuff. He really stressed that if EX should show back up without an officer that I should call the police immediately. I apologized to him and told him I was really sorry that his time had been wasted and that I thought it was horrible. I told him about trying to get in touch with a mediator so that these issues could be resolved and told him about wanting to change my CPO for third party involvement with visitations and he said that I should look into seeing if he could be required to attend anger management or something. I could only assume this was to mean, he thought he needed it.

He is such a self-absorbed, immature asshole!!!

Im beginning to doubt the El Chupa has any thought about anything other than himself. I’m so annoyed at the stress he’s putting on the kids, cause none of this has to be this way. 

I don’t care anymore

I had a rather ephiphanic ( I may have just invented that word) moment this morning. I don’t know if that’s even a word, but it suits what I’m trying to say, so I’ll roll with it.

EX called on his way into work as he sometimes does to touch base, check up on the kids. He inquired into my gutter situation. (It’s half hanging off my house due to recent snow and ice) Then out of nowhere he starts telling me that Matilda (an old friend acquaintance) and his self-righteous brother got into it at a bar this weekend. I actually said, “Who?” After he clarified, I had to wonder what this has to do with me and I inquire why he is telling me this. He says he was just wondering if I had heard anything. Ummmm, no. I don’t speak to either one of them anymore, for good reason. He starts telling me how his brother was out for his birthday and how supposedly Matilda was trying to act like she was “buddy, buddy” with him and trying to “work into his scene” (as if it’s some prestigious feat) and that he more or less tried to belittle her and told her that he never liked her, what did she want?, blah, blah, blah, blah….

So, I ask him. “Why are you telling me this? Why would I care?”

He says, “Well, I was just wondering if you had heard about it in case anything was said about you. I just didn’t want you to get your feelings hurt.

Let me get this straight: I don’t talk to either of these two people, they are out at a bar, probably both wasted without a doubt, they have words that has absolutely nothing to do with me, I know nothing about, nor do I care, yet he’s telling me about it to … protect me, just IN CASE something was said about me?

Know what I realized?

1- EX is an instigator, who feeds on trying to make people as insecure and paranoid as he is.  I recognize it now and I’m not going to play into it anymore.

But more importantly…

2- I realized I really don’t give a shit what, or if anything, was said about me, especially from the likes of these two. Really and truly I don’t care anymore. I know the truth and I’m ok with not having to prove anything, to anyone.   For me – that’s a big deal.

You Can’t Hurt Me Anymore

It’s an amazing thing, the strength you find when you let go. The clarity that comes when you’re not in the thick of it. That whole… “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone” notion. It’s extremely satisfying me to be able to have someone throw drama at me, to recognize it, call it out and to be able to stop it in it’s tracks and shut it down. I like this drama free lifestyle I’ve developed. It’s very chill. Without the negative influence weighing me down, I’m able to relate to others better. I hear, I see, I feel and I like it.

I’ve also learned to accept that you can’t make some people see and you can’t make some people hear. They will always be in their own little land of disillusionment, cause it’s a lot easier than accepting responsibility. And that’s not my problem.  I’m removing myself from the equation so that the new constants can be added. I figure this way, the real properties that exist will come to light.

That makes it official. Algebra is now overwhelming everything else. I just made a algebraic expression out of a personal experience. Blah!

He treats me like a piece of shit.

I think Jer said it perfectly when he said that my ex doesn’t know the difference between treatment of someone he “cares” about and a turd in the lawn. Yep, that about says it all. Not that this is really anything new, but it’s still horribly offensive and it gets old. Maybe this is why hes had to get a new wife every 8 years. For the record, he does apologize. But, so what? This is also typical ex behavior. He’ll treat me exactly the way he wants to and then he will call and apologize and I’m supposed to forget it happened at all?

No. Not anymore.

I don’t care if he had a couple of self-pity days, I don’t care if they were the absolute worst days of his life, you just don’t treat people like that.

I just don’t get it.
What the hell is this about?

I thought maybe ex is upset that another man is getting time with “his family” but you know what? He never gave a shit before. Personally, I think it speaks volumes that a man who doesn’t have any kids is better at acting as a male role model for children than their own father. What he really should be disappointed about is himself. If ex had said he wanted to go see a movie with us, I would’ve gone. But that’s not what he did. That’s not ever what he does. He does nothing and then bitches when things don’t work out the way he “imagined” them in his fantasy world. I’m sure he’s telling everyone his little sob story and their just adding fuel to the fire. I can just hear him now… “Oh, I wanted to take the kids to see that movie and she took the kids with some other guy.” Yeh, boofuckinhoo. Jer knows the kids wanted to see this movie and took the initiative to make it happen, while all “Daddy” could do was sit back, bitch, moan and point fingers.
Whatever.

I just can’t figure out why this wacky, dramatic, emotional roller coaster ride continues. It’s him,  I know, but it’s annoying as all hell to deal with. This is why I’m divorcing him. I’m tired of him always being miserable and me thinking I should fix it, or that I even can. I just want it over and done with.

I am partly worried that he’s drinking again. In fact, that would explain a lot beause alcohol has this up and down effect on him. Jer seems to think that maybe he didn’t think it would turn out like this, maybe he didn’t really think I’d go through with the divorce and that he’s starting to see the consequences of his actions, but really, is that it? I don’t think so. I don’t think he wants me. I don’t think he ever did. We’ll probably never know because ex doesn’t have the capacity to have a sincere, honest conversation. If he did, we might not be here. Hell, he might be able to talk to his “girlfriend” about what’s plaguing him, rather than bottling it up and self-destructing.

Plus, isn’t this what HE wanted?
Wasn’t it him that when I asked him if he really wanted a divorce or if we should just separate and go to counseling, get some distance from the situation, that he said his heart had been broken when he spent the night in jail and he thought there was too much hurt between us for him. FOR HIM? Are you kidding me? All that statement says to me is “I have way too much pride to admit that I really fucked up and have let things get way out of control, so I’m gonna blame you and be done with it, cause it’s way easier than actually TRYING”.
And his heart was broken?

Listen, how about my heart was broken when you hit me in the stomach when I was pregnant, not once, but three times, and I never told anyone how bad it really was, because you swore it would never happen again and I forgave you, and then 5 years later, after everything I did and sacrificed to TRY and make you happy, after taking in Pickle like my own child, and helping make all your dreams come true, I get rewarded by you getting drunk one night and coming across the room at me for NO REASON to put your hand around my throat and hurt me so bad that I ended up not being able to turn my head the next day and had to go to the hospital? Yeh, you’re damn straight I let them take you to jail. I told you if you ever put your hands on me again that I would put your ass in handcuffs and that was a promise I not only kept to you, but to myself and my children. I’m not gonna break out any god damn violin for you. Don’t tell me about a broken heart. Don’t tell me about hurt.
Save it. Own up. Be a man.

Another thing that bothering me with all of this shit is this other chick. Not because she’s ex’s new, well whatever the hell she is, but because this woman is an educated professional. She has a brain. She’s apparently a nurse. So, what the hell is she doing with him? I know somebody at his work is reading this? Is it her? How does she reconcile this shit in her head? How does she unconscionably pursue a man who SHE KNOWS put his hands on a woman like that. I mean, this was only a month and a half ago. She’s not ignorant enough to believe there’s any excuse for that. Hell, anybody whose been reading this, has to know better. Wouldn’t they tell her? Warn her? Where are these people’s conscience. What if it was you this happened to? Even if it was YOUR friend? Your sister? Your Mom?
I mean, WTF?
My guess?
I’m beginning to realize in re-reading my entries that they’ve been an item for awhile. He is still putting up the fake front he does at work, with her ( and probably everyone else) behind the scenes, but I have faith that the facade will crash and burn fast enough. Why? Because it is, what it is….a facade. They’ll all see. (Karma is a bitch and she’s coming, that I can assure you.)

But, sincerely, I’m worried for her. The kids already like her, and really, I think that’s great, if she’s good to them, then I’m good with her. I’m not the psycho, jealous type. I’m not gonna hate her just to hate her. I don’t know this girl. I’m not mad at her. BUT what is bothering me is this …. Here’s another woman with a brain that will fall for his act. Not only that but, it upsets me horribly that even one more child would be subjected to him or thinking that what he’s gonna do to their mother, or them, is what a man does. It’s crap. I know I did it all because once I got involved, I wanted to help Pickle and I wanted to help ex and I thought he would love me more for it in the end. I fell for the victim act, hook line and sink er’ and once the gig was up, I had too much pride to let anyone know that they had been right about him all along. What’s worse is that as a woman, I want to tell her. I want to warn her. But as a woman, I also know she’s probably wouldn’t hear me and would think I’m just trying to be hateful. And I don’t hate my ex. I care and love him very much. Always will. I want the best for him, but he’s still in self-destructive mode, I know it. I can tell and I just don’t want ANYONE else to be hurt in the process. There’s been enough hurt.
(sigh)
I don’t even know her and I can say she deserves better and so do her kids.
So do my kids.
So do I.
This shit has got to stop.
(steps off soapbox)

shining light in the dark

I had one of the ugliest experiences I’ve had with my ex since…. well I guess the night he grabbed me by the throat. I left his house in a hurry without taking the kids inside and cooing and coddling them before I left. Why? Because after waiting for him in his driveway for over a half-hour because he was running late from work, again, my car was about to run out of gas and I was trying to make it to the gas station. Then he has the audacity to act like I’m this horrible parent right in front of the kids, after I waited FOR HIM!?!? He asked me why I didn’t go get gas while I was waiting? Wtf? Cause I was WAITING on you. The kids would’ve flipped if I had left with them after already being at his house. I swear to God, I can’t win.

But, it lead to one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

Instead of being frustrated by my emotions and letting in complicate things between us, I let Jer be there for me. He actually took me in his arms and told me that he wanted me to know I had a safe place to go with all my tears and he wanted me to let it go. He must’ve held me for a good hour, while I sobbed. He even went as far as apologizing for all the hurt my ex had caused me. He said he wanted me to feel validated. He said I didn’t deserve it. He told me he could see it in my eyes and he didn’t want to see it anymore, so he wanted to help me put the burden down.
And I did.

Despite knowing my ex will always cause drama, because he thrives on it, I know I can deal without falling back into the bitterness and resentment of it all.
I’m gonna be ok.
Everything is gonna be ok.
And you know what else?
I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m not gonna lie for him or hide for him anymore. That’s over. I did it way to long.

When you’re in the throes of a divorce, it’s way too easy to sit down and cry, and frankly, I’d like to be done and over with crying and being angry. That’s why I started this site. I’ve kept this blog of everything I’ve been through because I find it therapeutic for me to write about my failures and fears and let them go when I hit the submit button. I get it out and put it down and get to walk away with a clean slate to move forward with my hopes and dreams. That’s what this has always been about. I still read my blog entries now and then because they help me keep perspective, it helps me not take things for granted. Censoring this would be censoring my healing process, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.
This is about moving forward.
That’s what I’m gonna do.