Down the rabbit hole …

Had a complete meltdown in my doctors office this morning and in an instant, I had a plan to die and knew I’d never make it home if I left. Sitting in that room, sifting through the past month’s tests and prescriptions, hearing that staying the course is the only way through. I told her that I felt overwhelmed emotionally and was physically immobilized. I can’t be poked anymore, tested, gnaw at my nails awaiting test results while my vision sporadically leaves.

There’s just no words to describe how weary I’ve grown. Yes, I’m a strong woman, but this appears to be my tapping out for the time being.

Now, I sit in an emergency room a few floors down from my doctor’s office with a 1on1 nurse. I’m still in pain. My circumstances have only gotten worse by choosing this path to take care of myself.

Fuckin A.

I feel complete hopelessness. Everything feels nihilistic.

And I quote …

“People talk about depression all the time. The difference between depression and sadness is sadness is just from happenstance—whatever happened or didn’t happen for you, or grief, or whatever it is. Depression is your body saying f*ck you, I don’t want to be this character anymore, I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world. It’s too much for me.

You should think of the word ‘depressed’ as ‘deep rest.’ Your body needs to be depressed. It needs deep rest from the character that you’ve been trying to play.”

And I quote…

” The pills do work, then?”

 “Yes. Mostly. They work but sometimes I don’t work even harder. I’m too broken for the glue to hold without the occasional failure, I’m afraid. I can function perfectly for quite some time, but then…. well something will bump into me and I will shatter”

I’m going down

Sometimes life pushes us down because there’s something we’re supposed to find something down here.

OR at least that’s what I’ve heard and keep telling myself, but for the life of me I just can’t seem to sugar coat all this shit or even just turn it into fertilizer. 

I’m tired. I didn’t sleep last night and I don’t know if I can tonight. It’s getting harder and harder to sleep without him, but getting more time in his arms just doesn’t seem to be in the cards right now.

 I got spoiled having him completely to myself last week in Florida and unfortunately, I think that was expected to suffice longer and maybe it would have had I known. I tried to give him down time and keep to myself as much as possible since it was a work trip. We stayed in, instead of going out, which was totally fine, because I was in great company. I stuck to the agenda, but I could still feel his anxiety rising. I noticed his drinking increasing, but vacay. I drove us to the airport last Friday to  try to help alleviate it in whatever way I could, but going through security seemed to dissipate that. I thought maybe it was being away from his boys, but when we got home, it still didn’t seem to alleviate. 

Yes, I understand all the circumstances were back but it just seemed different, he felt distant, like he was checked out. Like last Saturday with the Craigslist fiasco. I tried to recover the time we had together  by pulling everyone in over a shared family dinner, engaged and giggly. I actually remember being proud of myself. Wait… am I delusional about what I bring to the table, literally?

He said he felt better after some down time with me at my place on Monday. Then, he went back to juggling the week, while I was recovering from a medical procedure. He even fixed a pretty major plumbing issue for me before  he had to rescue the boys.  He was busy and I was lonely, but it just felt like …intentional distance. Admittedly, I needed him more than I conveyed and that is my own fault, but his boys needed him more and recovery isn’t going as planned. I tried to deal with my own shit because I genuinely thought he was getting maxxed out. Also, Im not good at saying, “I need you.” 

Yesterday was his youngest’s birthday and I couldn’t be there, not just because of the procedure recovery, but because they were having a “family dinner” and integration is a tricky process for all parties involved. I know that it was harder for him than it was for me, I was trying to be supportive, but after becoming priivy to all the conversations he and his ex shared over the upcoming birthday, her near death experience…. (even as the nurse was trying to find him to update him on me) I reached my max in insecurity and my girl brain spun up and in a frustrated effort to brush off anymore unnecessary worry on my part and anxiety on his, I was curt, misspoke via text and created a whole other problem. One in which, his response, completely rubbed me the wrong way and left me raw. So now, even with two days off from work, he’s seemingly still without “downtime” and I’m beginning to suspect that I may be more trouble than I’m worth to him. 

I feel like my insecurity would better mend with his presence and his anxiety would better mend without mine?

What the fuck does that even mean?

It’s really hard to cope with things having to be so complicated when I desire such truly, simple things. 

Are we making it more complicated than it needs to be? Are things complicated because these circumstances are too unreasonable to navigate?  

Or is there something else down here I need to see?