It is what it is

Yeh. It’s been one of those days.

I cried. A LOT. Just bouts, or spells, of crying sporadically. Yes, like a crazy, hormonal woman. Just like that.

The first crying spell came in the car ride with my Dad to DBT this morning because it occurred to me that I had an appointment with Dr. Sue this afternoon and had no way to cover my co-pay because of the ongoing expense of DBT. That sucked.

Then I just couldn’t get it together from there. This led me to “call in reinforcements” for my emotional walls and I completely shut down and was unfocused for much of DBT. I was asked to “check-in” for the day and was evasive. I just would not. Even this small opening to utter words made the tears start again.

When getting in the car to head home with Mom, I was instantly agitated when she inquired if I “think this is working”. This being DBT. As if it were some magical wand that could be waved around and “POOF!” *all better*. Then, I snapped at the kids which made me feel horrible. So again, the tears came. I shoved headphones in my earholes and cranked some music which wasn’t meant for soothing. Obviously, that was unproductive. Oddly, no, not oddly at all food was the rescue. Gross but instantly gratifying, McDonald’s food. (Note to self: Back to food log, do the next right thing.) I definitely don’t want that to get out of control again.

The thing that actually did help, was sharing my new slideshow and music app on the iPad with Mom and the kids. There’s something about soaking in good memories.  (Side note: Mom seems more emotional lately too – this also made me snap back into emotional shape. That’s deep rooted, but not going there today.)

Talking with Dr. Sue also made me quite emotional, but it was a good conversation.

Dinner with the family at the table worked well at improving my mood, as well as working on a project together. I had the kids help me prepare a care package to my dear friend Darryl in Afghanistan. I was also to get some validation from therapist Lynn about my frustrations with DBT. Bottom line: I need to lower my expectations and just attempt to take away 1 new thing that works, for me, every session.

Here, at day’s end, I feel more at peace with the world that 12 hours ago when I was contemplating another inpatient stint. Really, its the last thing I want, well suicide would be the last I want and if it stops that, then I suppose it’s a very desirable thing when Im not feeling safe with myself.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I’m happy to have gotten through another day.

As Diva pointed out with a laugh the other day, I already have a life worth living because of my amazing kids and wonderful family, I just have to learn to LIVE it from moment to moment.

DBT & Gino

I started DBT today, but only made to the last processing hour of the day. I ended up having to talk to a psych nurse for the last 2 hours discussing my reasons for being there. Not much to say about that that hasn’t already been said here though.

My Jedi saw Gino today for the first time since … well, since the decline started. I guess if I’m honest he’s been a decline since January.

This is where I get fucked up about shit. This is that part that boggles my mind. IF there is a God, no, I believe there is a God. That is not the problem. The problem is that if God is so loving and merciful, how exactly does this happen to a child. I understand that I can’t blame God for this. I believe there is as much evil in the world working to destroy us as there is good, if not more. I suppose just as there is a leader/ruler fo the good/peaceful/light side, there must then be an equal of ruling the bad/evil/dark side. Yes, just like Star Wars.

I only bring that up in the of the entry because Gino has always been “Jedi Gino” to me and everybody in the community and he is a whole force to be reckoned with. Such a spit fire and Jedi Gino has one I the best laughs I have ever heard.

So what’s plaguing me here is: Why God doesn’t intervene on his behalf? That’s what gets me fucked up. NO MOTHER should bear the weight of the loss of a child. It’s cruel. What’s more cruel is that not only does this child have to suffer, and there is no doubt he has, it’s an unimaginable suffering for anyone, much less a child. But last September, this child, this mother, this family was relieved to know that the cancer was hone. Jedi Gino has defeated the evil, merciless cancer he nicknamed “General Grievous”. BUT it came back, with vengeance and has totally ravaged his little body.

My Jedi, Gino’s best friend, finally got to sit with him today for the first time since not only his “Make A Wish” trip to Disney and the beach, but also 3 brain surgeries. He hardly resembled anyone we know but my Jedi was unphased. To him it’s his best friend through and through.

His Mom was so moved by Jedi’s actions and was brought to tears when she saw Gino responding to his mere presence. Gino even had the willpower to stay out of his room, awake, smiling and even laughing. What a gift Jedi gave to not only Gino, but his mother and whole family.

Words cannot express my pride. What an amazing kid.

Turning bullshit into fertilizer

I was discharged from the intensive outpatient program (IOP) today. That was a step that followed the partial hospitalization (PHP) that I entered upon leaving my admission on the psych unit.

I realize now that I haven’t done much journalizing. There really was soooooooooo much processing in PHP & IOP everyday and mostly through group therapy that I could have noted, but it was heavy and uncomfortable. They say that’s how you know it’s working. Learning to sit with your discomfort, to acknowledge it and sit with it is one of the most unhinging experiences I have had. That’s tough stuff. Sure, there were emotions, sadness that brought me to tears and anger that made me want to storm out and away … anywhere else. But I’m glad I stuck with it though and didn’t throw something at Larry. Nicknaming him LarBear in my head definitely helped me cope. SEEEEEEE? Coping. Check.

I find a mentor in mindfulness in my psych nurse, Maureen. I love Maureen. What a calming presence she is. I took so much away from her lessons about the way thoughts can control you and how you can acknowledge, identify, process and actually release them. Fang v. Wise Mind.

Wow! Just so very much.

Tomorrow, I start Dialect Behavior Therapy (DBT) which supposedly changes the way you talk to yourself regarding your thoughts. I think personally that if you can change your thoughts,  you can change your world and it’s time to change my world.

Im also back in individual counseling. Lynn is someone I can respect. Im starting to identify and deal with my traumas. IT makes me feel like crying. The body reactionary things that still happen because of the traumas that El Chuba Douchebag caused … I need to deal. I don’t want him to still have any effect in my life now. That piece gets me very frustrated.

I realize now that these traumas have been resurrected because of control issues. Me losing control to the medical mishaps led to me mentally reattaching to the last place where I lost control. Unfortunately, that all revolves a very abusive relationship.

BOOM! I got this shit down.