Upside Down

Just when I thought I was getting used to life as I now know it….my little snow globe world has been picked up, shook and I’m waiting for all the snow to settle again I suppose.

~My Dad is in the hospital – AGAIN. Last summer he had this ultra rare stomach condition where air expands in the lining of the stomach. I guess something like 50 people have had this happen in the history of medical science, 9, including my Dad have survived. This means that doctors don’t really know what happens after the fact. As it turns out, when he stomach poofed up, it caused some tearing on the arteries that feed blood to the stomach. This has caused scar tissue which is slowing and at times prohibiting blood flow to the stomach. This is not good. Lack of blood flow=tissue dies=stomach dies=stomach removed=NOT GOOD. The only options there are right now is to continue to go and stint and/or stretch these arteries. However, you can’t do that too often because it could tear an artery. So, last option is bypass….same as heart bypass, but I guess when you do it on someone’s stomach arteries it’s EXTREMELY risky. I hate, HATE, all of this. It’s not fair. My father is the best Dad a girl could ask for. Most people would tell you he is one of the best people they’ve ever met. I honestly can’t keep count of the number of people who have told me that through the years. He’s just a great guy. It is beyond discouraging when I see him dealing with all of this and other piece of shit fathers/people seem just coasting through life. UGH!

~ Paperwork with THE EX is final. He signed paperwork stating he would not contact us and forfeits his parental rights in exchange for not having to pay child support. Selfishness is an ugly thing.

~ Things at work suck. My boss lacks any passion for….well, anything. It’s a cake job with good pay and benefits, but I don’t think it’s worth it. Found out Friday that he’s an even bigger douche than I could have possibly imagined AND he’s sexting another girl in the office who is TERRIFIED to do anything about it. Creeper. Trying to decide whether to circulate the resume and get the hell outta there or tough it out until I make a decision about law school.

~ Ive gotta make some decisions about law school. If I go, I need to just do it. i’m not getting any younger and neither are my kids and they’re going to college. Period. I graduated with my Bachelors last summer and decided to take some time to figure things out but if I wait too much longer, I won’t go. In order to go next Fall  (2011), I have to take the LSAT by this December at latest so I can put in my apps this Spring. Big decision. Aside from the financial investment, its a lot of sacrifice for the entire family and I’m just not sure  how much sacrifice is too much. The kids have been through a lot.

~ Its hard to make decisions when there are so many what-ifs involving the kids, mostly Pickle.  I’m not talking about regular what-ifs here. i’m talking about not knowing if he’s ever going to be able to come home because of the younger two kids. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much that pains my heart. When I start venturing down this thought track, it’s all down hill.

I really need to get to bed. The lack of sleep surely isn’t helping me get things turned around.

Clarity

My father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease today.

Everything stops when you hear a diagnosis like that. Literally. You don’t hear anything else, see anything else. That’s it. It’s surreal. The sound in my mother’s voice was well, pretty much undescribable, so I won’t try.

I called a friend of mine and asked him a lot of questions. Knowledge is power, right? I still didn’t feel any better.

Then I called my sister. I told her to meet me at my parents house.

My Dad was so happy to see us there together.

Then he went upstairs and broke down and cried with my Mom. They both came downstairs together. My Dad said “So, as it turns out there’s something wrong.” It would have been something we’d joke about if it hadn’t been so damn serious. For months, me and my sister have done what we do, pick on Dad, telling him he’s getting too slow for 53 years old and to go see a doctor’s for God’s sake. His one arm was weaker than the other, we thought a rotator cuff tear or something…we shut out anything worse.

And then my Dad did the most amazing thing a Dad could do. He took us in his arms and he cried. He said “I’m gonna have my cry.” I told him that I wanted him to know that we loved him and that he and Mom had always seen us through everything and that we would see him through this. And he said, ” I know … that’s why I’m not going to feel sorry for myself and I’m not afraid, because I know you guys love me and we’ll deal with it together as it comes.

Then we had our cry and then Dad sat back in his recliner like he always does and me, Mom and sister all sat and talked with him and laughed with him and life went on.

I can’t tell you how difficult it is to face one of your own parents mortality. There aren’t any words for that. Just tears. In the face of realizing that my Dad was only human, I also thought he was the strongest and bravest guy in the world.

My Dad, my hero.

Today is one of those days. those moments in life, where everything ceases to exist except one thing. The thing that matters. Life. Life and everything that comes with it. The good, the bad, the laughter, the tears. It’s one of those moments where you have such clarity about what matters and what doesn’t that you can’t believe you missed for so long.

When bad things happen to good people

Today is my Dad’s last day at his job. About six weeks ago, instead of getting the pay raise and bonus that he more than rightfully deserved…he was informed that he would be laid off. It sucks. Mostly because my folks live about 5mins away and they’ve decided with my sister moving out and this lay-off looming that they will sell their house. They will go wherever my Dad finds work. I am close to both my parents and so are my children.  My Mom & Dad are very involved with their grandkids.


 (((sigh)))



Situations like this really make me question life in general.


My Dad is good guy and a hard worker. There were other people who could have been let go and wouldn’t have been missed at all. But my Dad has always been a good leader, he has integrity and has been respected for that.


Even now, while I curse such a thing happening to him, he reassures that there is a reason for this and has faith that better things await him. His example really touches me. I know he’s where I’ve gotten my strength from.


I’ll be forever grateful for that.


Love you, Daddy.