What Im not saying 2/20/2010


This week has been rough. There was a moment, just one, when I actually envisioned that I might need to be “committed”. There are just some things that a child should NEVER have to deal with and as a mother when you watch your children deal with those things, no matter how well the child bounces back and overcomes, it not only breaks your heart, but it also creeps into your psyche and breaks it down.

My children are resilient, this much is certain. So, I figure aside from everything else, I also owe it to them to not have the mental breakdown we so rightfully deserve. We’ve survived so much already and I know we will survive this as well…together.

I really struggled with how much of this to share, but the bottom line is that silence is what feeds this epidemic and if writing this out of my mind opens up someones eyes to something or someone else, then it has served its purpose.

The backstory: My EX husband and I separated in October of 2006 and while I could speculate about other things that MAY have been going on in the shadows behind my back, I can say that what WAS going on in my home, to me and my children, was enough to seal my marriage’s demise. After our separation my EX moved in with a woman who had three children of her own. This immediately sent up red flags for me because Pickle (a product of my EX’s first marriage whom I adopted but is no less MY son) had been sexually abused by his half brother while in his biological Mom’s care which was ultimately why he came to live with myself and the EX. It was no secret that there was looooonnnnngggg history of cyclic sexual abuse on her side of the family. I used to blame her for what happened and subsequently abandoning him but, I’ve come to realize in time that she too was a victim and was also mentally ill and just simply incapable of caring for her children or protecting them. Pickle’s sexual abuse occurred shortly after my EX and her split up and so now that: 1) we had split up; 2) he was now being exposed to two boys who were the same age he was when his abuse occurred and; 3) that he was also going to be exposed to his own hormones because of the presence of a teenage girl in the new home….I was acutely aware that these were potential triggers for him. For those of you who aren’t aware: my oldest son is also special needs so he needs A LOT of guidance and supervision anyways, couple that with urges he can’t understand and memories he cannot forget and you have have a whole lot of potential for really bad things to happen.

I brought this to EX’s attention and begged of him to pay close attention and not under any circumstances to allow the children to share the same bed. To my dismay, he didn’t listen because in his mind I was trying to control him and he couldn’t have that. Priorities, obviously. Everything is about him.

So came the Summer of 2007, when my Pickle would  report to his therapist that there was dangerously, inappropriate playing that was going on with not only him, but now my youngest son, and the EX’s girlfriend’s son, PlayDoh. I was devastated. If it had not been for my current husband (boyfriend at the time) I don’t know what I would have done. Don’t misunderstand me, I was a rock for my children. They needed that from me and there was no other choice, but I also needed a soft place to fall and he held me and talked me through my mental dark places so that I was able to do that.

The counselor had to make a telephone call to Children Services and because they revealed even more to me in the privacy of my home, I had to make that call as well. Despite Children Services telling me not to “warn” EX about what was to come, he was their father, at least I still imagined he deserved that application at that point in time, and so I called him. I remember sobbing to him on the phone and begging him to help us. I told him I would never keep his children from him but that he couldn’t take them around this other child until this was all sorted out. This began an argument. I couldn’t tell him what to do with HIS children. I begged him. I told him if he insisted on continuing to expose them to this other child that I would have no choice but to stop visitations and thats not what I wanted. I wanted him to help us.

Then, he showed up for his next visit with not only his girlfriend but PlayDoh in tow and that was the beginning of the end. He became upset that I refused the visit even though I explained over and over that he could see his children, just not take them to her home or have them around the other children. Those were the instructions from the therapist and Children Services.Then he and his girlfriend began to call me sick, saying I made up this whole story to keep him from the kids. I don’t know who would do such a thing but they adamantly ignored the fact that Pickle reported this to his therapist. I wasn’t even there. She told me. With him taking this position against us, I felt I had no choice but to call my attorney and file an emergency motion for supervised visits and it was, obviously, granted.

The months that followed are kinda a blur now. I had to resign from my job at the time in order to meet the requests of the therapists and Children Services. I had to produce my children for a physical exam at the hospital, I had to sit through interviews with Children Services, a guardian ad litem (court assigned advocate for children), therapists, and court hearings with my EX. As I was writing this, I remembered a mediation session in which I asked to step outside and when he followed me out he said something to the effect of how could I make my children go through a physical exam.

How could I make them? Like there was a choice?

No the choice was when he decided to go off and leave the kids unsupervised or letting them all share the same bed, despite  not only me, but all the professionals involved telling him not to.

(Deep Breath Break)

Let’s fast-forward: The court recommends, after reviewing the professionals recommendations, and orders the EX to permanent supervised visits until such a time as the children become more comfortable with seeing him in an unsupervised setting. He goes 6-8 months without seeing them. EX starts asking me to draw up adoption papers for Hubster to adopt the kids, has his brother call me and demand that I hurry up and draw up adoption paperwork WHILE IM AT THE HOSPITAL WITH PICKLE for an epilepsy monitoring admission. – EX even calls me one night drunk and threatens to “beat my ass” if I don’t let him see the kids, as if its in my control after all that he’d done to create this nightmare, I ask the Court for a protection order and he somehow manipulates the magistrate with water works and gets supervised visits reenacted. Yup, thats right! He threatened physical violence and then cried and made it all better after all of the above. Thats the legal system for ya! I nearly lost my mind and made my tongue bleed biting it to not correct the magistrate’s incorrect assumptions and application of law. Several attorneys told me that it’s frustrating when that happens on your case because you cannot correct them in open court, but they couldn’t imagine if the case involved their own kids and especially under the circumstances.

Turns out he had broken up with the girlfriend so the other child wasn’t involved and for awhile it seemed as though he may have seen the light and might behave the way a father should. He’s still a complete ass to me, but I am not the kind of woman who believes this should impede on the children’s relationship with their Dad. It would be nice, but it’s just never  going to happen. Although I was advised not to, I made the decision to move from supervised visits to monitored (at a relatives house and they meet with someone before and after the visits to discuss how it went) and then we moved on to one night a week, spending the night one night and eventually a standard visitation schedule because I know we all wanted him to be the Dad they wanted.

Within 6 months, I had to file for supervised visits again. On New Years Eve I had to request another emergency order to supervise visits because of the kids coming home filthy, unfed, reporting the water and heat being off  and the last straw involved skin staph infections that almost got me in hot water in the emergency room.

Since the visitations have stopped the kids have started telling their therapist and myself, Hubster and my parents all sorts of tales about things that occurred in their father’s care, but the worst of it came this week. While we were swimming at our health club, Now, I of course realize that there is going to be some natural curiosity amongst children. I’m sure we have all “played doctor”, but something about this just didn’t sit right. There’s just this heightened, anxious, excitement static that starts to get charged around them that I must be sensitive to. Maybe after your eyes have been opened to this – there is no shutting them. Hubster will tell you that often times when the children are awake, I am highly distracted because I am always keeping an ear out or trying to stay aware of what they are doing. But nothing could have prepared me for what was disclosed next.  And thus, now all three of my children have been exposed in ways that their innocent brains just can’t understand.

I’m angry. I’m soooooo angry. I promise not to let this anger consume me, but I do feel it is warranted. You know, screw validating my anger. I’M ANGRY. I’m disgusted. I loathe him. Nobody ever accused this man of being smart, but more than 3 people TOLD HIM SPECIFICALLY how to protect the children from this sort of thing and he just what – ignored them? Was it too much work to expect his supervision and guidance for 3 hrs one night a week and every other weekend at his brother’s house. More than that, I’m angry because HE has hurt them. It sucked to watch my now husband hold my son while he sobbed about how much he hates his father and how none of this would’ve ever happened to him if his Dad had protected him. He said all his Dad cared about was drinking.

I remember once writing  those exact same words. I remember feeling the pain as I wrote that he would always choose alcohol over his family. And the words I wrote after that, came back to haunt me as I listened to my son: “I just hope that my kids don’t ever come to this same realization.”

I just can’t shake this overwhelming thought/feeling that all of this is a consequence of my own poor decisions. Somewhere deep inside I knew, even at nineteen and naive, that I should have run screaming in the other direction when I met EX. I had been raised in church my whole life, I had a good father, my parents had a great marriage – I knew what a man was supposed to be and EX was not it. I yolked myself to him unequally and it was a heavy burden to bear. I know a lot of it has to do with my oldest son. He needed me. I made a lot of bad decisions for myself that ultimately made very good outcomes for him, but still I can’t shake it.

I regress. This isn’t about me – it’s about the kids and they need me. Now that I’ve taken the time to somewhat vent…I can focus.

And I quote…

Not only is this blog worthy it may very well be the event of the week ok….month.

Part of my work as a paralegal is to go down to the courthouse and drop off various documents to judges. One of the attorneys in the firm forgot a file on Monday morning and I had it run it down to her. I decided since I was already downtown that I would check up on some paperwork I had left to be signed by a judge last week forgetting that Monday morning is his arraignment day.

I am completely unaware as I open the door to the judges’ chambers and BAM! I’ve walked into a room full of men in orange county issued jumpsuits. You can’t just back out of this, you’re already there and the deputies are looking at me now. I explain why I am there and go ahead through the room as gracefully as possible saying excuse me politely as I wind through the orange sea. Halfway through the room distance I hear a “Hey Mami” which was followed by the kinds of ohhhs that I haven’t heard since a cat call in middle school. I turn and smile and continue on my way. Yah for options!!!

This is not the most entertaining part of my morning though.

After retrieving my paperwork and finding my way back to the solid marble shores of the courthouse annex, I begin to wind my way down the stairs when I meet a…..umm…..seasoned, toothless female on her cellphone. Just as I am almost out of earshot of the woman, I get to catch her blurt out this gem, that I will never forget, and I quote,

“If he ain’t good enough to make bail, he ain’t good enough to make it with my pussy.”


The judge did not extend my protection order because there wasn’t another act of violence or threat of violence. She did however say that if “we” ended up before her again, that she would automatically grant a 5 year protection order with no exceptions regarding the kids.

My attorney told me in private later that he tried to play up EX’s instability and volatile nature. He told me that he would be surprised if I didn’t end up with another protection order within six months. He said he believes that EX is an easily angered petty fool, and that he will do something stupid. Just something else to look forward to.

More interesting news came out of today. El Chupa’s attorney revealed somethings. Apparently, there are problems in paradise. El Chupa is on the verge of losing his job. “She” is on the verge of losing her house. And although, we were informed that “they” are getting married “soon” El Chupa’s attorney advised that they are having a lot of problems.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about that.

I mean on one hand, I’m not surprised. I knew as much from the sporadic, sniffle filled apologies that I receive in voicemails and such. After having him cheat on me and destroy our family and put our kids through the hell, it’s a little vindicating to know he’s getting what he deserves. But on the other hand, how sad, that after all the pain and heartache he caused us, it’s all for nothing. How pathetic that his pride in appearances means more than seeing his own children.

And with that. …. I’m at a lost for words.

It’s not fair.

As if it’s not enough that I had to quit my job so that I could be home with my children and get them through all of this….now, I have to take the time I need to devote to them, in order to prepare to defend myself against nothing. It’s just ElChuba and Stankcy’s accusations that I’m a liar. So, I have to go through and transcribe phone conversations myself, so I don’t have to pay my attorney’s office, cause now that I’m not working, I surely can’t afford it. (By the way, for anyone who’s looking for a last minute gift for my birthday Friday, I’d take a donation to my paypal account so I can keep my attorney in paper. It’s a vicious cycle because, as I’m trying to prepare for court, the kids are constantly interrupting, which makes everything more annoying and stressful. They’re just being kids. I want them to just be kids. I want to be able to enjoy them just being kids and I can’t. I HAVE TO DO THIS. And in the meantime, he does nothing…NOTHING. He doesn’t have to do a damn thing except sit back and complain and point the finger. When if he had been being a father to begin with, none of this would’ve happened.

Despite making an exception for supervised visitation so that he could see his children, it’s my fault that he can’t see them, because he can’t afford it. CAN’T AFFORD IT?  Listen, as a parent I can tell you – there is NOTHING that could keep me away from my children. NOTHING. If I didn’t have cash on hand for the visits, which are only $40 per hour for the social worker’s time – you better believe I do whatever it took to get. I’d ask my friends and family for help. I’d beg for it. Hell, I just start selling shit off in order to see my kids. IT’S AN EXCUSE.

This all just makes me sick to my stomach.

When we went to court last Friday, all he talked about was himself. He was more interested in covering his own ass than he was in his own kids and what has happened to them. He actually submitted an affidavit to the court, a sworn testimony, that said everything I told the court that happened to the kids had “no basis in fact” THEN we go to mediation last Friday, and he says right in the middle of it, that he knows something happened. What is that? I’ll tell what it is, aside from sick, it’s perjury.

Do you know he looked me right in the eye and said I can’t believe YOU’RE doing this to them. That YOU’RE keeping them away from their father. As if all of this is MY fault. I didn’t do this to them. In fact, when I went to him with it, he didn’t believe me. When I told him he could have visitation anywhere but there, he just insisted on ignoring me, said nothing to ease my mind, nothing to protect the kids, he just wanted his visitation. What choice did he leave me with but to stop visitation? Am I really supposed to rely on his merit? And then I am the one who tells my attorney I don’t want to keep him away from them, that I just want to protect them, I don’t want to make it any  harder on them, I ask for the supervised visits and then it’s my fault that he can’t afford it?


And you know what really sucks?

Being the only person whose stood up for the kids through all this and as if it’s not enough that I’m on my own and he’s denying it, I have to be persecuted. His stupid girlfriend has to start saying that I’m immature and that she thinks I have some kind of personality disorder. That’s what I get for doing what I’m supposed to do for my kids?

I’m thinking you know..how horrible to not have him on my side, on my kids side. And why does there have to be a side, why isn’t it a given? Why does everything have to be a fight? And why do I have to fight for my children, against their father?

I’m so tired of fighting.

It’s just not fair.

So much to say, so little time

Well a lot has happened in the last two weeks…

Children Services has been out to interview my kids. They also went over and interviewed PlayDoh. The stories were consistent, the details of the games, the porno, the acts and there was even more. Jedi revealed a lot more when he talked to the lady from Children Services. So much more. Pickle admitted to things he most certainly shouldn’t have done. Jedi’s story is consistent with Pickle’s that PlayDoh started it. Aside from that, Pickle is cognitively disabled and very sheltered, a lot of the “acts” that were acted out, were things he’d have NO IDEA about.

Yes, I know his history makes him more statistically probable but, in 9 years that I’ve been with him, there was nothing. But we are going through a divorce, which is a potential trigger considering ElChuba and the Eggdonor were going through a divorce when he was victimized.

This is just beyond fucked up. Especially since I specifically made the point about this being a potential trigger for Pickle so fucking clear!

(deep breath)

Let me be very clear about something …  I’m not trying to persecute this other little boy. I want someone to pay attention to him. Something has happened to him. Little kids just don’t wake up one day with these ideas. They came from somewhere and the most unfortunate part of all of this is … the social worker told me, ElChuba and Stanksy were more frustrated at the annoyance and hassle of the situation, then they are concerned for any of the kids. Her words, not mine.

Visitations have been nixed for the short run. He can only have supervised visitations once a week with a social worker present and he must pay for them, which means – he’s probably not going to see them. They haven’t seen or talked to him in two weeks, and the weirdest thing about it is, they’ve been just fine with that. Not only have they not asked for him … they haven’t said a word about him. That to me, speaks VOLUMES about the level of his involvement in their lives.

They all are in counseling now, and I’ve made an appointment for a forensic interview for them at Children’s Hospital at the end of the month. I just cannot even go there in my head right now.

I hear everyone telling me that I’m doing, everything I can, but it doesn’t seem like enough. These are MY CHILDREN, something horrific happened to them. How am I not to blame? I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I told my attorney. I told Jer, I told my Mom and I know there was nothing I could do… I know that. I couldn’t have stopped visitations or I’d have been found in contempt. I tried talking to ElChuba and he ignored me. But GOD DAMNIT – why couldn’t I stop this? Why didn’t the years of me talking to Pickle, and years of counseling do anything to protect him from this happening again? From it happening to another child?

To say the least, the days after the interview have been hard. Hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to leave my children. Unexpected panic attacks, fits of rage, waves of sadness. It’s been overwhelming. I had to go to my doctor and get something for my nerves. I was given a couple days worth of Xanex and then switched over to something way less addictive. Addiction seems to run in my family so, I am very leery of drugs. They want to put me on a anti-depressant, but I just can’t. I’ve tried everything on the market over the years and it seems to work for awhile and then it just fades off. Aside from that, my problem isn’t so much depression as it is that my mind won’t stop racing. That my friends, is anxiety. So, now I have to see a psychiatrist. Not a therapist, a psychiatrist. I’m thrilled – really.

I resigned from my job. I had to miss a couple days of work in June because of going to court and because of things needed since this happened. Then I have three additional days this month, that I would need off to go to court and to take the kids to the appointments Children Services feels they need to have, not to mention the counseling appointments. When I went and asked for the additional days, he told me that while he understood my situation, he couldn’t give me the time off and I should probably resign. What choice did I have?

Because of this – we withdrew our application to adopt Puggles. Any extra money we thought we had will now go to paying bills and my attorney for all the extra work he’s had to do. This also means there won’t be extra money for traveling this summer, which is a bummer. I was really, REALLY looking forward to taking the kids to places without having that sick to my stomach worry of how ElChuba might drink or embarrass us. God knows I want nothing more than to get the hell out of here now. I’m hoping family might make it up here. God knows I need them. My parents, God bless them, are just awesomely supportive and helpful. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

I cannot give enough credit to Jer. I can’t tell you how many nights he’s literally rocked me to sleep while I sobbed and then he turned around and got up at 5 am to go to work. He didn’t bat an eye when I told him I resigned, he told me we’d get by. He told me there was probably a reason for it and that what I was doing for the kids was more important than anything I’d do at work, or any paycheck that would provide anything else.

Aside from what he does for me, he’s been great with the kids. He helps me put them to bed at night and tells them their safe and we’re both here and he’s not going to let anything happen to them. When Jedi has been waking up in the middle of the night, Jer gets up with me and helps me get him back to bed, talking him down, showing him everything is ok. We’ve been doing a lot of stuff as a family, picnics at the park, water gun fights, watching movies together … and it makes a world of difference.

I know this is an all kinds of fucked up, far from fairy tale world I’ve gots going here, but Jer is definitely my knight in shining armor. He’s surely saved me … and my kids.

So, I’m hanging on.

We all are.         ~          Together.

I hate this 6/28/07

I had to take the day off work today. I’ve spent the whole day talking to counselors, social workers, police officiers and attorneys. There was an emergency order filled with the court to stop visitations. Well, not stopped, but they are to be supervised by a social worker at a Family Visitation Center, because while I don’t want the kids to not see their Dad and make any of this any harder than it already is, 1) his house is not an option anymore and; 2) I can’t trust him not to badger the kids, or tell them their lying or distort things for him.

I hate this. I hate all of it.

There are somethings I’ll never get used to

Sitting in a waiting room as far away from possible from the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life without exchanging eye contact or words, while he sits next to the woman who so quickly occupied the space in his heart where I was promised to be forever.  The man, who asked me to marry him, who swore to honor and cherish me – til death do us part, who held my hand while I gave birth to our children….

It’s hard to take when thought of like that.

However, this is also the man who took me for granted, never honor or cherished me as a wife, used me and abused me for all it was worth and grabbed me by the throat while he was drunk while our children were earshot away.

Not so heartwrenching where all that comes to play.

I woke up early this morning. Laid in bed staring at the ceiling and just asking God for some strength and discernment in this current turmoil. Got up to go to the bathroom and got a little freaked out to hear footsteps coming up the stairs. But, I was greeted by a warm smile, a kiss on the forehead, a toasted bagel and fresh coffee. When I asked Jer what he was doing home he says he had planned to take today off and cleared it with his boss weeks ago, for support. We let the kids sleep in while we talked. It was tremondously helpful to have him there. We took the kids to daycare together. We ran errands together and then chilled for awhile. He was going to go to court with me, but I thought it better to go with my Dad as all of these changes are hard for everybody and I didn’t want to add to it. I figure these things are between ex and I and the ex knows my Dad and he knows he’s fair, levelheaded and unbiased.

El Chupa Douchebag showed up with his girlfriend. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but you think if someone really had their kids best interest at heart and was looking for a solution in that regard that they wouldn’t bring someone to court with them whom they have told you is extremely jealous of you and your chidlren. Someone who got pissed at him for visiting our child in the ER because I was there. Doesn’t really promote an open dialogue. But really, what else did I expect? Of course she had to be there. She can’t let him do anything alone. In my opinion, that’s not love, that’s codependence and ownership, but what do I know.  She is his keeper and apperhently it works for them.

It’s slightly humorous since he used to always be so paranoid and make accusations about me trying to control everything. Who knows, maybe he doesn’t even see how he’s been manipulated. How she’s molded him and his life and his relationships with those he loves into exactly what she was comfortable with. Not my problem.

Here’s some free advice to everyone: If you are trying to do something that you think is in the best interest of your children and it involves telling a bold faced lie about the other parent – it is not in your child’s best interest. That mentality is just selfish and self-serving. But at least I know what I’m dealing with. He’ll say anything and do anything with out regard for what it does to me, or more importantly, the children. This is all about him. Which makes all the things I have motioned the court for concerning the kids, that much more validated.

The day ended on high notes though:

When I left, I got to go pick up the kids. They all ran up to me, yelling … “MOMMY!” Hugs and kisses galore. When I arrived back at the house, I received the most beautiful bouquet of flowers along with a moment of complete peace while the man I loved held me in his arms.

And that, my friends, is what makes it all worthwhile.

Is this how we say Goodbye?

Today was D- Day.

My EX (weird) and I had our court hearing and 8 years of my life was wrapped with hearing a judge say that she was “granting both of us a divorce“.

Divorce is final.

Marriage is over.

He shall now and forever be….THE EX. I don’t plan on EVER having another.

I feel almost as if someone has died. Maybe because the “life” I worked so hard for the last 8 years is gone. I’m sad for the kids. I already hate the visitations and splitting up holidays horseshit. None of this is fair to them. That’s what makes me angry. It doesn’t seem fair to show up and put forth the effort to gain some kind of security for your kids just to have it ripped all to hell. I could sit here for hours on end, writing about all the things I did and what I think I deserve. All the coulda, woulda, shouldas… but it’s pointless. I’m not gonna do it. It’s over and I’m putting this burden down. Really, I think … no, I know I did the right thing. I’m gonna be better off and happier and eventually, so will the kids. I couldn’t have done anything more than I did.

I can walk away knowing I gave it my all and that’s just going to have to be enough.

It’s time to start a new life … a much happier, healthier life.

making THIS work

we had this court ordered parenting class wednesday night.

i don’t know why i thought it would be a good idea for us to go together, but by the time we got downtown, i was in tears and realized i had made a mistake.

turns out he has told some people about my blog, people he shouldn’t have. then he had the audacity to tell me to stop writing because he doesn’t want them to read it, he thinks it might hurt THEM to know that we still have feelings and love for one another. it will make him look stupid. there are things he wants me to keep secret so we don’t look crazy. and you know what i say to that and to THEM. here’s a great big FUCK OFF!

had anybody else really cared about him or us or our children and had taken the time to HELP instead of feeding the fire….we might not be here right not. this is my place to get things out so i can heal and move forward and be the mother and friend to my children that they so desperately need right now. remember, my children? none of you know ME and i find it quite amazing that those who had no interest in what i had to say or thought or what i, myself and my husband and family were going through, that now you suddenly care about what i say and think on those matters. it’s laughable. but isn’t going to stop me. i have nothing to hide. see that’s the thing about the truth, when you tell it, you don’t have to worry about who will come across it and what can be done with it. so read on….i don’t care.

after the class we went and grabbed a bite to eat and talked. we talked a lot about his brother and his fiance’. the situations are not the same, but i know where they are, how much it hurts, and despite all the things his brother has done and said to contribute to the demise of my marriage and family, i still tried to help my ex help them. (wow, ex. he really is, isn’t he?) i thought to myself several times, how i wish my BIL had taken the time to help his brother the way his brother so desperately wants to help him. and i also thought how i wish my ex would have wanted to desperately try to repair his own relationship with the same conviction as his brothers. just another fucked up revelation to have.

the weird thing about all this, is that now…for whatever reason, we’re actually talking to one another again. sadly, i think i’ve seen more of the man i love since we accepted the finality of our relationship than i’ve seen in the last two years. his gentleness , like the way when i start to cry he’ll take my hand, his words like when he tells me that he’ll always love me, it’s sincere, very sincere, his respect for me and appreciative of ME, as a person, like when he tells me i have more integrity than most people he knows. that guy….i love, i adore him….i’m over the moon for that guy. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. i wish he knew that. i wish he knew that HE was all i ever wanted. it makes it hard for me. because while i’m happy to see that guy again, i’m angry that he wasn’t around prior and destroyed because he never stays. i wonder why that is. i wonder if it’s me that changed him, is it life, is it circumstance, is it the responsibilities? part of me think it’s old wounds from him previous marriage and relationships that he never healed from and that i know i’ve paid for a thousand times over….. maybe it’s all of it. i just hope that guy sticks around for his children and whatever he can’t be for me, will make it better for our babies.

god, knows i haven’t been myself and i know i’m happy to be putting the pieces of my puzzle back together piece by piece. sincerely, i hope he does the same. nothing would do my heart better than to see him being that guy again, laughing, making others laugh, playing his drums, being the daddy he used to be, loving himself and letting himself be loved, even if it’s not with me.

i ran into my attorney yesterday at the courthouse while i was working. he pulled me aside for a couple minutes and we talked. he told me how hard it had been to see me sincerely agonize over this process and the loss of my marriage. guess he’s not used to that. i personally, just think it’s the loss of the role, not particularly him. the loss of my children’s family. he told me that he wondered if the marriage was really over. he told me that he wanted both of us to make the right decision. he talked about conciliation, which he had to explain to me. i guess it’s just a 90 day delay in the proceeding to explore other options, such as separation, counseling, etc, etc….it doesn’t mean he moves back in or actually that anything changes but we just give it more time. he told me to think about it.

so i’ve been thinking about it. and my thoughts are this: i don’t need 90 days more to sit and agonize over something that seems pretty inevitable. i would need to see some BIG changes. yes, i do hear him talking, he says a lot of good things, but he always has. it’s the actions and follow through where we continually come up short. like when we did counseling before… he said he wanted to, he went and that was about it. even our counselor ended up getting completely frustrated because he was saying one thing and then chucking it all out the window with his actions. and he never saw that. and i still don’t think he does. he thought i was trying to make everything about his drinking, but i wasn’t…it’s just it kept coming up over and over again. he got drunk and said this, he got drunk and did this…EVERY FREAKIN week. so there’s that. that hasn’t changed. let me clarify, i’m not talking about the drinking, i’m talking about follow through. but of course, i’m still terribly scared that he’ll start drinking and go off the deep end again. i don’t need to be the one mothering his drinking habits, i don’t need to be the one telling him to get some counseling to deal with the demons he’s trying to drown out. i won’t elaborate, because it’s not my story to tell. our kids don’t need to see him like that or hear us arguing about it because that’s not all he is and i don’t want to focus on that anymore. i want him to be able to deal with other things. we all need to. plus, it just makes him more miserable. i just need to see him make the initiative to do that for himself without it being contingent anything else. he needs to do it for him and i just don’t see it happening.

then of course there’s the money issues. this was always a problem. he’s just bad with money and then gets mad when i can’t fix it. that is still there. despite me making a list of his bills for him with the dates and amounts and how to pay them…he’s forgotten. i’ve had to give him money i don’t even have for gas, and medication and all of that has gone without much notice. this always leads to another big issue for him, that he thinks i’m trying to be in control of everything. i really don’t want to be. jesus, id love for him to step up and take care of shit and say “i’ve got it handled.” i’d have kissed his fuckin feet if he ever did that. god knows i have enough to keep me occupied. and he cares to much about what everyone else thinks. and that’s just wrong in so many ways. then of course, there’s the abuse. he only put his hands on my twice in our time together, but the emotional, mental and psychological abuse…there’s a lot of work that i need to do for myself now.

i just want to let go and move on. there’s been enough hurt and enough tears. there’s a lot of healing to be had. i want all of this to be over. i don’t want to review the shoulda, woulda, couldas anymore. i’m tired of possibly and maybes and what ifs. i just want to be 5 years away from all of this and have all the answers and see the big picture.

right now i feel like i’m stuck in this little dark corner on the canvas of god’s masterpiece and am desperately wondering what the hell is going on.