making THIS work

we had this court ordered parenting class wednesday night.

i don’t know why i thought it would be a good idea for us to go together, but by the time we got downtown, i was in tears and realized i had made a mistake.

turns out he has told some people about my blog, people he shouldn’t have. then he had the audacity to tell me to stop writing because he doesn’t want them to read it, he thinks it might hurt THEM to know that we still have feelings and love for one another. it will make him look stupid. there are things he wants me to keep secret so we don’t look crazy. and you know what i say to that and to THEM. here’s a great big FUCK OFF!

had anybody else really cared about him or us or our children and had taken the time to HELP instead of feeding the fire….we might not be here right not. this is my place to get things out so i can heal and move forward and be the mother and friend to my children that they so desperately need right now. remember, my children? none of you know ME and i find it quite amazing that those who had no interest in what i had to say or thought or what i, myself and my husband and family were going through, that now you suddenly care about what i say and think on those matters. it’s laughable. but isn’t going to stop me. i have nothing to hide. see that’s the thing about the truth, when you tell it, you don’t have to worry about who will come across it and what can be done with it. so read on….i don’t care.

after the class we went and grabbed a bite to eat and talked. we talked a lot about his brother and his fiance’. the situations are not the same, but i know where they are, how much it hurts, and despite all the things his brother has done and said to contribute to the demise of my marriage and family, i still tried to help my ex help them. (wow, ex. he really is, isn’t he?) i thought to myself several times, how i wish my BIL had taken the time to help his brother the way his brother so desperately wants to help him. and i also thought how i wish my ex would have wanted to desperately try to repair his own relationship with the same conviction as his brothers. just another fucked up revelation to have.

the weird thing about all this, is that now…for whatever reason, we’re actually talking to one another again. sadly, i think i’ve seen more of the man i love since we accepted the finality of our relationship than i’ve seen in the last two years. his gentleness , like the way when i start to cry he’ll take my hand, his words like when he tells me that he’ll always love me, it’s sincere, very sincere, his respect for me and appreciative of ME, as a person, like when he tells me i have more integrity than most people he knows. that guy….i love, i adore him….i’m over the moon for that guy. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. i wish he knew that. i wish he knew that HE was all i ever wanted. it makes it hard for me. because while i’m happy to see that guy again, i’m angry that he wasn’t around prior and destroyed because he never stays. i wonder why that is. i wonder if it’s me that changed him, is it life, is it circumstance, is it the responsibilities? part of me think it’s old wounds from him previous marriage and relationships that he never healed from and that i know i’ve paid for a thousand times over….. maybe it’s all of it. i just hope that guy sticks around for his children and whatever he can’t be for me, will make it better for our babies.

god, knows i haven’t been myself and i know i’m happy to be putting the pieces of my puzzle back together piece by piece. sincerely, i hope he does the same. nothing would do my heart better than to see him being that guy again, laughing, making others laugh, playing his drums, being the daddy he used to be, loving himself and letting himself be loved, even if it’s not with me.

i ran into my attorney yesterday at the courthouse while i was working. he pulled me aside for a couple minutes and we talked. he told me how hard it had been to see me sincerely agonize over this process and the loss of my marriage. guess he’s not used to that. i personally, just think it’s the loss of the role, not particularly him. the loss of my children’s family. he told me that he wondered if the marriage was really over. he told me that he wanted both of us to make the right decision. he talked about conciliation, which he had to explain to me. i guess it’s just a 90 day delay in the proceeding to explore other options, such as separation, counseling, etc, etc….it doesn’t mean he moves back in or actually that anything changes but we just give it more time. he told me to think about it.

so i’ve been thinking about it. and my thoughts are this: i don’t need 90 days more to sit and agonize over something that seems pretty inevitable. i would need to see some BIG changes. yes, i do hear him talking, he says a lot of good things, but he always has. it’s the actions and follow through where we continually come up short. like when we did counseling before… he said he wanted to, he went and that was about it. even our counselor ended up getting completely frustrated because he was saying one thing and then chucking it all out the window with his actions. and he never saw that. and i still don’t think he does. he thought i was trying to make everything about his drinking, but i wasn’t…it’s just it kept coming up over and over again. he got drunk and said this, he got drunk and did this…EVERY FREAKIN week. so there’s that. that hasn’t changed. let me clarify, i’m not talking about the drinking, i’m talking about follow through. but of course, i’m still terribly scared that he’ll start drinking and go off the deep end again. i don’t need to be the one mothering his drinking habits, i don’t need to be the one telling him to get some counseling to deal with the demons he’s trying to drown out. i won’t elaborate, because it’s not my story to tell. our kids don’t need to see him like that or hear us arguing about it because that’s not all he is and i don’t want to focus on that anymore. i want him to be able to deal with other things. we all need to. plus, it just makes him more miserable. i just need to see him make the initiative to do that for himself without it being contingent anything else. he needs to do it for him and i just don’t see it happening.

then of course there’s the money issues. this was always a problem. he’s just bad with money and then gets mad when i can’t fix it. that is still there. despite me making a list of his bills for him with the dates and amounts and how to pay them…he’s forgotten. i’ve had to give him money i don’t even have for gas, and medication and all of that has gone without much notice. this always leads to another big issue for him, that he thinks i’m trying to be in control of everything. i really don’t want to be. jesus, id love for him to step up and take care of shit and say “i’ve got it handled.” i’d have kissed his fuckin feet if he ever did that. god knows i have enough to keep me occupied. and he cares to much about what everyone else thinks. and that’s just wrong in so many ways. then of course, there’s the abuse. he only put his hands on my twice in our time together, but the emotional, mental and psychological abuse…there’s a lot of work that i need to do for myself now.

i just want to let go and move on. there’s been enough hurt and enough tears. there’s a lot of healing to be had. i want all of this to be over. i don’t want to review the shoulda, woulda, couldas anymore. i’m tired of possibly and maybes and what ifs. i just want to be 5 years away from all of this and have all the answers and see the big picture.

right now i feel like i’m stuck in this little dark corner on the canvas of god’s masterpiece and am desperately wondering what the hell is going on.


when i finally got a hold of him last saturday morning, he told me he was at work. he had had to much to drink and didn’t want to drive home. when i asked why he didn’t answer my calls he said his phone was on vibrate in his pocket and he didn’t feel it. this is his work phone. the same phone he jumps half way across the room to answer no matter what we’re doing. whatever. why didn’t he call. he didn’t have an answer for that. he was just sorry he didn’t call. whatever. i took the kids to go play in the fountain at the park like i promised them i would. imagine that- keeping promises. hmpf.

when we got home, he was setting up the pool in the backyard for the kids. nevermind that he couldn’t have done this the whole week prior when it was 100+ outside. but now when he wants to look good in front of the kids, he does it. im not stupid and neither are they. my oldest son looks at me and says “he must be really sorry.” how freakin pathetic is that, that he even recognizes it, that he knows this isn’t a normal dad thing? unbelievable.

he immediately is all up in my face and is all apologies…

ive been neglectful of a lot of things and i’m sorry, babe. things are going to change.”


so that DAY was different. he was different. he was an active participant in our marriage and family. his mom even called him and laid into him about how what he did was totally uncalled for and inexcusable. and this i thought….might make a difference. she told us we should sit down and write out a list of things we needed to change and then write down how we would compromise on those things and that if we couldn’t do it, we should split up, because she didn’t want the kids dealing with this kind of crap. i concur. so she took the kids overnight to give us some alone time to deal with these things. after we dropped them off, husband was all about us having a night to relax, watch a movie, spend time together to reconnect and i really tried to move forward, which was really, really hard considering how i felt inside about everything going on. so we spent our time together, we held hands, we had sex…twice, he made brownies, we watched a movie, we cuddled in bed. i couldn’t say what happened but the next day everything seemed to go right back to the way they always are…about him.

we had to get up and rush around to get out of the house. he said we would make our list in the car. i grabbed a pen and paper and we rushed out the door. we stopped and got a bagel and coffee and he started listing his changes, which were actually things he thought I needed to change. i needed to cook more meals so we could be “healthy” and have a good “foundation” for our family. but he would need $20 a week to eat lunches out at work.  i needed to give him more affection and sex. i let him talk and wrote down notes about questions i wanted to ask him regarding his “changes”. we got to his mom’s, we picked up the kids, went home and it wasn’t brought up again. he bitched and complained about everything. he even complained about being horny. i pointed out that we had had sex twice within the last 24hours and he kept playing with himself. so i said “fine, let’s go fuck.” and upstairs we went. i can’t tell you how shitty it makes me feel that he treats me like this, i hate it. and it’s like being stuck between a rock and hard place…no pun intended, cause if i don’t have sex, he’s an ass to me and if i’m like, (sigh) ok, let’s go….he says i act like it’s a chore. i didn’t act that way the two times the night before. and my god, who the hell complains about sex after getting it twice already? i swear to god, its like hes dependent on everyone and everything else to make him happy, because he, all by himself, is miserable. he was short with the kids. he was completely negative about everything. it was awful.

i went to lunch with my girlfriend sunday and told her about everything that was going on. and something she said really resignation with me. she said that even if all the things he had on his list were truly things that i did wrong…it still wasn’t an excuse for the way he treats me and disrespects our family. very true. and she also pointed out that he only brings things up when i confront him about something he is TRULY wrong about and needs to take accountability for and, he uses it as he way to divert attention. it’s like a trap…if he can even get me to start thinking about how it’s my fault…then i will let go of the real issue. i saw the point.

 i shut down….again. i didn’t lay into him. in fact, i didn’t say anything to him. i just did the motions to get by til tuesday…counseling…and i just let it rip. i told the counselor that i was sick and tired of my husband and everyone else trying to find MY FAULT in HIS actions. hello? he’s a grown man, making his own decisions. and while it was true that it took two people to make a relationship work, i wasn’t going to do the politically correct thing and get myself in the trap of placing blame on myself where it wasn’t due, because the truth is that it can be only one person that totally ruins a marriage no matter what the other partner is trying to do to make it work. his response was to say that he thought we had never taken the time to really address our issues and that we shouldn’t give up until we do that. i told him that it was pretty much impossible because he was in denial about what the issues were. he said that i never returned his love. when the counselor intejected that he had a really odd way of showing love and what he says he wants and his actions were in total contrast on that…he didn’t get it. he never does.  he told him again that he needed to concentrate more on what he could change instead of what he wanted me to change.

his cousin was visiting from out of town this week and im rather close with her. so she came over tuesday night. he totally kissed my ass in front of her. he even made us biscuits and sliced off butter and brought it to us. he covered us up with blankets. and it wasn’t cute…it was kinda….scary…psycho scary.

friday we were supposed to spend time alone with the two little ones while the oldest is away for the weekend. he says he had a side job which he then ended up having to go out and finish saturday because of a problem. im not saying its not true, but his track record isn’t so great lately. regardless, i spent the time with the little ones without him and then i made arrangements for them to go to my parents, so we could have some time alone and talk things out. we went to dinner at jillian’s downtown. we had a good time. we had drinks, we shot pool, we played video games, we left holding hands and smiling, cracking jokes. since he had pushed about 6 drinks on me, i was feeling pretty uninhibited and started putting the moves on him in the car. i asked him to drive somewhere secluded. i had to keep stopping because he wasn’t taking secluded roads and there was traffic. look…im all for having some fun and being adventurous, but i really dont want people to see all my business like that. so i was getting a little frustrated because at this point all the problems are rising up in my foggy head. I say maybe he should pull off the road and climb in the back with me and get it on. then i think, i don’t want to do this. im trying to please him. why? but i do like a little spontaneity, right? why does it feel so wrong?

 i have to direct him to a secluded road. then he tells me to stop because he wants to pull off and have sex. he pulls behind a freakin movie theater where they have these bright spot lights out back, to ward off people like this, nevermind the fact that we are within 5 mins of two very secluded metro parks. then he actually gets out of the car and comes around and opens my door because he wants me to bend over the front of the car. ummm, no. im looking around, im totally uncomfortable and i say this is not a good place, not no, just not here. and he looks at me and says, im going soft. he was really expecting me to do this…THERE! i just slumped in the seat and told him just to take me home. he started telling me on the way that he wanted to be romantic with me but that i didn’t seem interested, or seem to WANT him and he was pretty desirable. I looked at him and said, “i’m not interested? hello? wtf?!?” i mean seriously, who complains about getting a blow job? i swear he’s bipolar sometimes. then the whole way home, he’s talking about me not being affectionate and that i don’t love him and how i treat sex like its a chore. when i told him we had sex three times last weekend and i had only acted that way once because he had bullied me into it and he says, yeh and the other two times, i had to do all the work. so i turn to him and said so let me get this straight, you get to stay out all night the night before drinking, without even calling me and then when you come home not only am i not supposed to say anything and move on but im supposed to be totally into and excited about having sex with you? then i tried explaining that i frustrated about not having any privacy not giving him head, because if i didn’t want to do it, why would i have even initiated it? by the time we got home, i was fuming. i just couldn’t believe this was happening. and then he says to me,

i think you were right when you said you can’t make me happy. you can’t and you’re not happy either, so we should just talk about how we’re going to split up….” after that i just didn’t want to hear anything else, and when he started talking shit about me again, i remember screaming, shut-up! i don’t want to talk about what you think about me anymore. so he started saying that he probably shouldn’t go stay with his mom because he would get spoiled there. he said he could go stay with his brother but would probably end up in a fight with him because he’s a cocky shit who can’t back it up. (wtf?) and then he starts telling me that he would need some money for gas, chew, and food…so i got up and got the money he had given me earlier from his side job and put it on the table. he said well that’s really subtle, so basically you’re telling me to fuckin go. i just sat there not knowing what to say…so i said i don’t know what to say, im not going to say anything cause no matter what i do or say, you turn it into something else. he says well we just need a break and maybe it will only take a week and we’ll realize whats’ really important. then it was like a switch flipped and he says well i’ll have to make some arrangements. the kids aren’t here we should chill out and watch a movie. after replacing my jaw, i told him i didn’t want to watch a movie and that i was just going to go to bed. i got up and went to the bathroom and stood in the hallway upstairs for a few minutes, crying silently….looking at our kids empty beds and thinking how much all of this would hurt them and how badly i didn’t want to see them hurt. when i came back down we went back and forth about watching a movie and then he was going to go to bed and i told him i would just sleep on the couch. he started talking about how he couldn’t even feel loved in his own home and that he just wanted me to love him. i didn’t say anything. he got up and made phone calls and told me to go up to bed, that he would sleep on the couch. i told him i would wait up to know what he was going to do. and finally, he got in touch with his brother and got up and started putting his shoes on and gathering his keys and stuff to leave.

bye.” he says.

 i finally ask what im supposed to tell the kids and he said he would come home the next day and we would talk to them together. i told him it didn’t even make sense for him to leave then. he said to just tell them that he was at work. i told him i wouldn’t lie to them. so he told me just to tell them he was at uncle jbob’s because he was miserable. i started to put my shoes on and he asked me where i was going. quite defensively… where i was going…like he thought i was going out or something. i told him i was going to move my car out of his way. so i got in my car and moved it and he left.

 i came inside the house and sunk down the door and cried for a good half hour. i called my girlfriend and talked and cried with her for nearly an hour. really, thank-god for my friends cause i don’t know where i’d be without them. and then i cried myself to sleep.

this morning, i got up and started focusing on my school work, cause im way behind. ive got to stop shoving my stuff to the back burner like this. obviously efforts in other areas, really don’t matter anyways. and there was no word from him until around 5:30pm, when he just showed up to spend some time with the kids and get some stuff he said. this involved checking the caller id and writing down numbers off of it, questioning me about why our daughter was still asleep at 5:30 and then hovering over my laptop. completely freakin weird. then he started asking me if i had said anything to the kids, asked if i thought we should talk to them. i told him i thought we should wait til after our counseling appointment this week and ask for advice on the subject. then i asked him what was going on, were we separated and trying to work out or was it over? he told me that we were taking a break. i think ross gellar. so i say, what does that mean exactly, i want to be very clear…does that mean that you’ll be going out drinking and sleeping with other people? he says no that he intends to be responsible and safe? so i ask what the hell that means…that he’ll wear a condom? he said no, and something to the effect that he hoped it would just be for a week or so and that we would realize what really mattered and then he added, “i don’t know what it matters…you don’t want me anyways“. i didn’t give him the pleasure of a response. i just got the kids ready to go with him and started making dinner. he asked what i was making, and wasn’t pleased to hear hamburger helper. i reminded him he has shrimp scampi in the freezer so he calls me from the park to ask me if i’ll heat it up for him. i didn’t think it was a big deal, so i did and then he and the kids came back and ate, he got his stuff together, didn’t say shit about dinner and he left. again.

Tired of being tired 7/8/06

i must say that the last few days have really been some of the worst of my life.

monday after having a pretty good family weekend together and being promised that he would not stay out all night after his department head meeting, he stayed out til 12:30am tuesday morning.

tuesday after waking up to him trying to mount me and rubbing his hard on against my leg, pushing him off and asking him why he continues to act so selfishly, he yelled at me and told me he never gets anytime for himself, that all he does is work , that he doesn’t play drums anymore and that he’s miserable at home. i didn’t yell back or even argue. it just sucked and i cried. i was late arriving to the parade route pickle and i were supposed to be marching in with the character counts group from the city school district. we were asked to walk as citizens with character in honor of my adoption of pickle. we arrive and find out, character counts apparently doesn’t, because the group had pulled out of the parade and hadn’t notified anybody. one of the city council members overheard this and told us to walk with them and hand out candy. after walking the two-mile route we headed out to my aunt and uncle’s for a cookout and he and i fought almost the whole hour long ride out there while the kids were sleeping. i told him that i wanted to separate because i couldn’t deal with him anymore and the kids shouldn’t have to. his response was, “it’s been over for a long time.” wow. something about the way he said it reminded me of something a guy would say to excuse his behavior when he was found out having an affair or something. when i asked him how he could say that when i had just adopted pickle six months ago, his response was, “yeh, that was awfully convenient.” CONVENIENT?!? for who? is it just me or is that…weird? i don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean but, at that point i just stopped talking. at my aunt’s house he kissed my ass and acted like the perfect parent. was putting his arms around me and carrying me around in the pool. and then on our way to watch fireworks, he started telling me that he couldn’t live without me and divorce wasn’t an option

wednesday was the day i hoped to get good news and was obscenely off.  about a month ago i consulted a urologist about pickle’s wetting problems. he first discovered that pickle was not voiding properly so he did an ultrasound of his bladder and kidneys. his left kidney was smaller and it appeared his right one was compensating, because it was enlarged. he then preformed something like a vcgu or some similar string of letters, which was basically him inserting a catheter and dye into his bladder and then taking rapid xray photos to see what happens when he urinates. we found out he has severe urinary reflux, which means his urine is flowing back into his left kidney.  i don’t think i need to explain why this is bad, but the short of it is….that your kidneys clean your blood of waste and then excrete it as urine into your bladder, if the waste is then dumped back into your kidney it causes a lot of problems, the worst being kidney failure and well…i can’t even say. most kids who have this outgrow it  but pickle is past that point. most kids who have this are put on a daily antibiotic but with his medical history and conditions and current medications it wouldn’t be prudent and so he will have to be monitored closely, provide frequent urine samples to check for bacteria and at the first sign of bacteria, he will have to have surgery to try and correct the reflux. i can’t discuss this anymore right now….just can’t.

when i got home my mom had been watching the kids and i had to relay the information to her and then she told me i should call my mother in law, which i did. while i was relaying the information to her (and as i write this now) i started to cry. i told her i couldn’t take anymore. that while her son knew we were waiting for results he continued to add stress by going out and drinking and driving home and i just couldn’t deal with it anymore. that dealing with just pickle and his problems was enough stress for one person let alone, the other two. it’s ridiculous that it seems anytime my attention has to be on the kids, he acts like one. i told her that i had done everything i could to make him happy and that i had nothing else to give him. i told her that it used to drive me crazy when he and i first got together that she would say i was too young but that i realized there was truth to that. because when you’re young and you see a man hurting, you believe that you can make the difference to him and that when you do he will love and appreciate you for it and it will be worth what you go through, but that the truth is, it just doesn’t happen like that and that some people will just take and take and take all that they can.

aside from this, pickle had asked me a bunch of questions about what was going on with me and daddy wednesday. it all ended with him asking me if i we were going to stay married. my best answer was to tell him that i didn’t know, that i loved him and we were trying to work out but that no matter what happened, i would be his mom, he would be his dad and we would love him and take care of him.  i thought that was pretty decent of a response considering how i really feel about it. then as soon as daddy walked in the door from work jedi, who overheard this conversation, said “mommy said she not gonna be married to you anymore.”. bad. real bad. if i had heard it i would be upset too. i understand that. so i looked at him and said he misunderstood, its not what it sounds like and i will explain it to you.  he folds his arms up and sits on the couch  pouting while i try to eat dinner and feed the kids. he starts getting attitude and i tell him, “look, i dont need any shit from you. things did not go well at the doctor’s office today and i need to talk to you about that first so please stop.” he continued to pout, i finished my dinner and then relayed what the doctor told me. we were interrupted by his work phone ringing and him dealing with that was about a 30 minute ordeal. after he got off the phone he sulks down on the couch and says “so why is my son telling me that were not going to be married?” i tell him that pickle was asking me a lot of questions today and he asked if we were going to stay married and i told him i didn’t know and….

him: “you told him what?!? why would you say that?” me: “cause i don’t and…”

his phone rings. he glares at me. he hates me. this is the end of the conversation. after he gets off the phone he spends a lot of time with the kids, doting on them, it seems forced  and odd. he starts asking them about what they did today…and i added on something diva said so he would understand..he glares and says, “ i wasn’t talking to you.” i ask what his problem is and he says “i just dont have anything left to say to you.” i retreat upstairs with laptop and notebooks to study for final exams. fell asleep around 8:30, just emotionally exhausted. he slept on the couch.

thursday morning, diva reminded daddy to kiss and hug me good-bye and he told her “i have to go“. she was not happy about it. i called him on his cell phone after he left to remind him that i would appreciate it if he came home on time so that i could go to a baseball game with my dad for his birthday. he told me he would appreciate it if i wouldn’t talk to the kids and everybody else about out relationship. i finally got the chance to tell him the WHOLE conversation i had with pickle to which he replied, i was full of shit because that’s not what i told him yesterday. i explained that i hadn’t gotten the chance to finish because of his phone ringing, and him choosing to ignore me the rest of the night. then he says, “well my mom told me that you called her too and told her some stuff and im sure the kids just overheard you.” i told him, “ i was outside and the kids were inside with my mom when i talked to her.” he replied, ” that’s what my mom said you told her but i think you’re full of shit.” and then he hung up on me. i called our counselor thursday morning and asked if he could see me. to which he agreed. husband had an appointment alone with him at 7pm, but i really just needed someone to vent to. i took a yoga class which was amazing. that was the highlight of the whole week. ran a bunch of errands, went to the appointment, cried a lot, told him i just didn’t care anymore about figuring things out and that i was just not physically, mentally or emotionally able to continue in the marriage. i went home, got ready to go to a baseball game with my dad for his birthday and made dinner for the kids. normally when husband gets home he would go straight to eating, but this night he decided to start wrestling with the kids and while i kept telling them it was time to eat….he kept playing with them, ignoring me. i snapped. i told him i didn’t deserve to be treated like that and when he started talking back to me all spiteful and nasty, i climbed on top of him on the floor and pressed my hand against his mouth and told him “i am not going to let you talk to me like that in front of the kids…you are not going to treat me like that especially when i did nothing wrong.” he pushed me off of him and walked in the kitchen. when i followed him and told him that he owed me an apology he laughed and said, “what the fuck ever. get the fuck out of my face. just go to your fuckin game.” i blocked him in the kitchen and told him i wasn’t leaving until he apologized to me. i cannot tell you how sick to death i am of unresolved tension. i can’t ever enjoy myself. you know he gets all this time and shit to go out and drink and be by himself because he’s miserable so why is it that whenever i leave i have to continue to be miserable? his solution? he punched out the screen in the kitchen window and jumped out. yeh. jedi and diva were standing in the kitchen. jedi thought it was cool, like spider-man he said. (sigh)

when i walked outside to confront him, my parents were in the driveway. he went back inside and locked himself in the bathroom. i had to leave. he wouldn’t answer me. i nearly broke down the door trying to get in, when he opened it, i told him again that he had to stop this. i pushed him and told him i was so sick of all his shit. he climbed into the bathtub and acted like a wounded animal. i told him again, he owed me an apology that he should have at least given me the benefit of the doubt and he could cut the crap. he laughed. i was full of rage i wanted to strangle him. i wanted to beat the hell out of him. i hated him. i told him that i hoped he got what he deserved and that something bad would happen to him and hurt him as much as he’s hurt me…us as a family. he told me he knew that he felt it and left the bathroom. at this point, i start getting really scared, realizing that i have to leave and that he’s mad. i start realizing the kids will be with him. reality sets back in. yes, i had a temporary lapse in judegment….my anger got the best of me i admit it. in fact, i really felt like i was having a mental break. like i was going crazy. i have not been that angry at anyone in a long time. i started thinking about all the ways he had punished me before after a fight, like disconnecting the internet so i couldn’t access my college courses or taking my keys so that i couldn’t leave the house or taking money out of my wallet. i started thinking about him drinking with the kids and i panicked. i grabbed his wallet and keys and my laptop and all my school stuff and went and carried it out to my mom’s car. im crying hysterically at this point. he comes out to the car and tells me he needs his stuff to go to the appointment and that im just being dramatic to put on a good show for my parents. i tell him i’m scared and i don’t trust him and that i want the debit card to the account so he doesn’t spend the mortgage money and that i wanted the key to my car. he says “oh yeh, play the victim when you’re the one hitting me.” right in front of my parents. my jaw drops. i look at my mom and sister and say oh my god, so this is what he’s going to do now. i tell them about me putting my hand over his mouth because he was talking down to me in front of the kids. my dad says he’s going to go talk to him. i start crying even more, feeling like ive ruined my father’s birthday, that my mother with all her heart problems doesn’t need the stress. i go in the house to try and take the kids outside while my dad talks to him, to find my dad crying on the couch asking him how he can’t have a heart and continues to let things go on like this. this really bothered me. it’s enough that he hurts me and rips my heart out, but not my dad. not my dad. i got the kids outside and came back in to tell my dad we should go. i said, “look, we’re the only two people in this room crying dad, he doesn’t care and this is a waste of time.” my dad told me to stop being so negative. that hurt. he said it breaks his heart to think of what the kids will go through if one of us leaves and that we need to work it out and i told him that’s exactly why i want my husband to leave for awhile cause it’s not fair to them now. to which my dad replied that i needed to give him a chance. that hurt. i get that my dad had good intentions and i understand what he’s trying to say but husband of mine, well he’s a little off kilter in the head and he interprets this as my dad taking his side, it will only make the situation worse and i swear to god the next time we argue he’ll say something like, “even your dad agrees with me” and i’m gonna lose my freakin mind.  i just walked out and went and cried to my mom. we all got in the car to leave and i just couldn’t go. i told them to take me back home to my car and i would go to the counseling session with him.

the counseling session was a real eye opener. he’s in denial about his drinking and he’s denial about his behavior and really believes that i’m the one who needs to change. at one point the counselor asked us to both think of the #1 thing that we thought needed to change in order for the relationship to work. he asked if it was communication. i agreed somewhat but said that i really felt he needed to stop being so self-involved if he wanted a relationship. his response was that he couldn’t respond because of me, so i left the room. when i came back the counselor said that it seems he isn’t just concerned with himself and that he’s really concerned about me and my well-being and all my medical problems. (severe eye roll) that was all i needed to hear. i mean c’mon….this is the guy that would get drunk when i had my rib popped out and the doctor would order me to bed….and he’s really concerned for me? this is the guy who got drunk after i had my breast reduction and wasn’t supposed to be lifting the kids, who got diva out of crib one morning only to pass back out, i find her playing in the freakin toilet and had to lift her onto a dressing table, lift her in and out of the tub…all on the morning of my friend Phil’s funeral…and he’s really concerned for me? and this is the guy who was drinking so frequently and heavily at the time of gall bladder surgery that my mother actually made me and jedi move in with her so that she could take care of me while i recovered…and he’s really concerned? come the fuck on. the only thing my medical problems have brought him is an excuse to make me feel shitty about it, feel sorry for himself cause more is expected of him and drink more. then when i brought up that i don’t trust him and im worried about leaving the kids with him when i go to my cousin’s baby shower… he responded that i have no reason not to trust him and that he doesn’t think i’m very truthful. he thinks i over exaggerate when my emotions get involved.  it made me feel like shit. i mean….ok

this is what i dont understand. im the one who has busted my ass to give him everything hes ever wanted. i have sacrificed my own self-respect at times just to push forward our marriage and our family. i was the one that drafted all the letters to his ex wife so that he would have evidence to get custody, i was the one who pushed and pushed him to get custody out of concern, then i was the one who sat home with pickle while he went out and drank after he got custody. then i was the one who got all the help after he revealed he had been sexually abused. i was the one who had to crawl up to bed by myself after returning from the ER by myself one night while i was pregnant with jedi and had been put on complete bedrest because my blood pressure was high enough to cause toxemia while he was out drinking. i was the one put through hell and was miserable during what should have been the happiest time of my life while i was carrying my first child with my husband. i was the one who had to have induced labor because my blood pressure was so high from stress of dealing with pickle’s revelation and his drinking. i was the one who saved his life one night when he decided to go out for more beer and passed out just after starting his truck but before opening the garage door. i was the one who saved his and the boys’ life the night i came home and he was passed out and found flames from candles scorching the wall.  i was the one who had to swallow my pride when he asked for another chance. i was the one who was supposed to be on bed rest when i was pregnant with diva and had gone into preterm labor at 30 weeks  and ending up taking care of the boys while he was out drinking and didn’t come home.  i was the one who stood by his side when he lost jobs and had to move us around year after year after year. i was the one who got us enrolled in the program so we could buy a house. i was the one who watched helplessly as pickle had a grand maul seizure. i was the one who made the doctor appointments and did the research while he felt sorry for himself. i was the one who adopted pickle and i’d do it again. but look where all this has gotten me? and he’s miserable? and im the one who needs to change? and i’m the one who needs to give him a chance? and i’m the one who needs to stop being negative?  and he’s the one who’s miserable? he’s the one who needs time for himself? and i’m supposed to care? i’m supposed to keep trying? he doesn’t think i’m truthful? he’s questions me?

im in a very dark place right now. if i wasn’t positive that he would use it against me in court when push came to shove, i would probably have myself committedd for intensive therapy.  the only thing that keeps me from losing it is the kids.  but im on the edge. i dont’ know how much more i can take. between all of this shit with him, then this new stuff with pickle, then finding out that 40% of these kids with reflux have siblings with reflux, facing final projects and exams, looking for a job, just thinking about divorce , worrying about money….i’m gonna crack. and the only thing i’m sure of is that i will have to be the one to find the light again. i will have to fight my way back from this…alone

i just don’t know that i can. im tired

and im tired of being tired.

im leaving. im going to stay the night with my friend.

Let’s be honest

I wake up this morning and roll over and tell my husband, that I feel extremely nauseated, so instead of saying “Poor baby” or just giving me a hug, he tells me that I need to start eating better. Isn’t that sweet??? I could’ve gone w/out that.

In fact, I felt as though it was a hit below the belt. When your significant other says “I’m tired” or “I’m not feeling good” shouldn’t you comfort them not say “Did you take your vitamins?” ”
You should eat better” Is it just me?

Maybe it’s the way he said it…

Then to top off this moment, I got a dialogue letter this morning. Should probably explain at this point that my husband and I are in counseling. Our counselor told us we should dialogue, which basically means writing each other letters, and using “I FEEL” statements, instead of accusatory statements.

The best quote from the letter – “LET’S BE HONEST OUR MARRIAGE REALLY SUCKS RIGHT NOW”.
Isn’t that pleasant???
All because I wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t tend to HIS needs. (sigh)

Today is going to be a GREAT day!