Serendipitous conversation

Have you had one of those conversations you never saw coming from someone you’ve known, but suddenly find out is willing to introduce themselves to you on another level? A conversation that tears down walls and opens up doors?

I had that conversation tonight.

It was if I was looking through a key hole and suddenly everything aligned, illuminated and gave me a desperately needed glimmer of hope.

Good people exist.

They’re tired and skittish, but what a brutiful sight when a spark sets off a blaze of bravery to share their souls once more.

On being “needed”

I’m struggling. Physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

When I tell people this, they tell me I’m the strongest person they know and that they are certain my resilience will break through all of it. Depending on the person, I sometimes just barely confess the truth I’m feeling at my core, that I’m not as certain.

The follow-up response always leaves me confused: “I need you”, they say.

I’m really not even sure what that means.

Perhaps the reason I don’t ask is because I’m afraid that it has more to do with them, than me. Maybe deep down, I can’t conceive that I’m irreplaceable when so many have walked away and lived their lives without bother.

What is the message and/or lesson?

“you’re stronger than me”

I’ve had this said to me so many times by a man, I’ve lost count.

At first, it sounds like a compliment. No, at first it is a compliment. They admire it. It’s intriguing. They even take pride in it when they talk about how strong I am to others.

But let me tell you what happens. They stop admiring it. It becomes a bar set too high when they would rather go numb. They “shh” me because they can’t find their own words. They call me “crazy” because to examine their own feelings looks a lot like work they can’t get credit for in a paycheck.

Then it turns to: “I’m just not strong enough for you. You deserve better” and they jump ship.

Here’s the thing: you get stronger when the only option you have is to be strong. If the opt out/greener grass option remains available to you, you’re never going to get strong enough. Unless, you WANT to do the work. Guys, a lot of you are still praying for things that you could have long since accomplished, had you not turned your nose up when the opportunity was given to you because it looked more like work, than a blessing bestowed upon you.

May it be of benefit to someone because it just hurts my heart a whole lot tonight.

Since Mom was in the hospital, we’ve been spending a much greater amount and quality of time together. We’ve both been talking about all these very vivid memories and dreams that keep coming to mind. We have been trying to piece together memories and timelines. This is also coinciding with me decluttering … well, my whole life. Below is an example of one of many astounding connections we have come across. This joint time and effort has provided the greatest insight into who my Mom is and how she arrived at herself in the present, as I’m doing the same work myself. It’s beautiful and I am so grateful for it.

On a good note

Perhaps it is the steroids treating my pneumonia talking, but as awful as I feel physically, my heart is hella happy.

First night of summer and my baby girl finally spread her wings and socialized. Met knew people. Genuinely laughed. Bounced up the stairs at 10pm just making it home for curfew and the thing she’s been missing for so long….that happiness, that genuine lust for life as she relayed the events and conversation of her night.

It bound up everything in me that had been emotionally destroyed.

I can’t explain it beyond that. I’ll take it.

It’s still a man’s world

I missed a call from the police department today. With a son with special needs living on his own, a newly licensed teenage son and a teenage daughter with mental health concerns, getting a voicemail with an officer/contact information but nothing else, that’s not cool!

I did what any mother would do and switched back and forth between attempting to reach the officer and my kids. Murphy’s Law: Once I got the kids checked off, I got through to the officer. He’s following up on a telecommunications harassment complaint.

To make a very long story short: I had to reprimand my daughter about something she posted on social media about the boy who randomly slid his hand up her shirt. Yes, HE harasses her, HE is dating her best friend since 1st grade and friend takes his side, HE bullies my daughter at school to intimidate her from talking, her mental health took a huge hit, I had to pull her out of the school, but she was reprimanded and had charges dangling over her head because of talking about it, yet this little fucker receives no consequences. His mother said, “My son wouldn’t do that”.

PARENTS: LISTEN! We’re all human and flawed. Yes, even your child. Believing that your child just simply isn’t capable of doing something is a poison like no other. If we do not have uncomfortable discussions with our children, we will only create monsters of privilege with no accountability. (See:Trump)

This whole situation is bringing up unpleasant memories. PTSD in full effect. I just don’t understand how this is still happening 20 years later?! That’s fucked up.

The conversation I had with her was to the point and unremarkable. The disgust and despair I feel for having to have had it at all … I don’t even have words to describe.