a much needed compliment

We met with the personal trainer this morning to discuss where we have been, are at presently and the goals we would like to achieve going forward. I talked about everything I had been through and followed it with: “My main man here told me that I have done enough for everyone else. It’s time to learn how to be  selfish and  that is going to start by me taking care of myself, before I can give to anyone/anything else, even him.” With great trepidation I turned to him to await his reaction. He turned away from me, looked our trainer right in the eye and with complete sincerity, he said:

“She’s the most amazing woman I have ever known.”

Paranoia Plagued

Is it just me or has everyone developed a “the world is out to get me” mentality”?

I’m also eager to find out how it is that I come to be in the path of everyone’s projecting of it?

It always starts behind a screen. A tone assumed. Context lost in translation. Intent completely missed. The kicker is that when I see misery mount up to take me down as company and I wave a white flag and say, “I’m on your side”, the paranoid never believe me. This paranoia has a god complex and knows my intentions better than me.

I could be completely silent; and my unshared, private thoughts would haunt the paranoid.

What’s a girl to do?

I’ve tried pleading my case. I’ve offered explanations. I’ve cried way too many tears.

I’m done with it.

 

Where to begin?

I keep getting the same message, in short: I need to use my voice and tell my story.

The question I pose isn’t why, but how? Where do you start? Who do you start with?

I’m looking for guidance, friends. Read. Think; and also PLEASE discuss this with me.

Letters I meant to send

Dear Bean,

I dreamt of you last night. I wanted to reach out and remind you that I care, I’m rooting for you and hope this finds you and yours well. I know you already know that. I don’t know if you know that I miss you and the boys presence in my life immensely, our long conversations on cold nights until we fell asleep, your hand between the leather of my boot and cotton of my jeans as we just ride your bike down an open road, on a sunny, summer day, the feeling and freedom like flying.

I’ll never understand how or why you arrived at the decision to erect these boundaries between us, but I respect them. I’m leaving with the best moments tucked away safely in my memories and no regrets.

Peace and Prosper, Captain.

Tonight was brisk and rainy.

Around 8pm, I met him again for a drink in the hotel bar. We got closer as our conversation continued. We walk a couple doors down for dinner. He seems satisfied afterwards and I’m certain we will part ways, but he asks me to have another drink with him. We take our time walking the city block. He tries to capture the mood with a picture: a dark, wet passage lit up by string lights and store fronts that dance in the drizzled, rippled puddle reflections.

Over our last drink, he brings up one of our first conversations, a question I posed that has really caused him to do some soul searching. He tells me he feels an attraction to me: and also he feels that he is still very much jaded from his prior relationships.

He hesitates.