Letters I meant to send

Dear Bean,

I dreamt of you last night. I wanted to reach out and remind you that I care, I’m rooting for you and hope this finds you and yours well. I know you already know that. I don’t know if you know that I miss you and the boys presence in my life immensely, our long conversations on cold nights until we fell asleep, your hand between the leather of my boot and cotton of my jeans as we just ride your bike down an open road, on a sunny, summer day, the feeling and freedom like flying.

I’ll never understand how or why you arrived at the decision to erect these boundaries between us, but I respect them. I’m leaving with the best moments tucked away safely in my memories and no regrets.

Peace and Prosper, Captain.

Tonight was brisk and rainy.

Around 8pm, I met him again for a drink in the hotel bar. We got closer as our conversation continued. We walk a couple doors down for dinner. He seems satisfied afterwards and I’m certain we will part ways, but he asks me to have another drink with him. We take our time walking the city block. He tries to capture the mood with a picture: a dark, wet passage lit up by string lights and store fronts that dance in the drizzled, rippled puddle reflections.

Over our last drink, he brings up one of our first conversations, a question I posed that has really caused him to do some soul searching. He tells me he feels an attraction to me: and also he feels that he is still very much jaded from his prior relationships.

He hesitates.

I love you

That’s what he said.

When I asked what made him say that his response was:

“I don’t know. I don’t want to lose you over three words.”

Since then, I’ve been nauseous.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Competing with men’s comfort zones is pulling me apart. Everything is never ending.

Serendipitous conversation

Have you had one of those conversations you never saw coming from someone you’ve known, but suddenly find out is willing to introduce themselves to you on another level? A conversation that tears down walls and opens up doors?

I had that conversation tonight.

It was if I was looking through a key hole and suddenly everything aligned, illuminated and gave me a desperately needed glimmer of hope.

Good people exist.

They’re tired and skittish, but what a brutiful sight when a spark sets off a blaze of bravery to share their souls once more.

On being “needed”

I’m struggling. Physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

When I tell people this, they tell me I’m the strongest person they know and that they are certain my resilience will break through all of it. Depending on the person, I sometimes just barely confess the truth I’m feeling at my core, that I’m not as certain.

The follow-up response always leaves me confused: “I need you”, they say.

I’m really not even sure what that means.

Perhaps the reason I don’t ask is because I’m afraid that it has more to do with them, than me. Maybe deep down, I can’t conceive that I’m irreplaceable when so many have walked away and lived their lives without bother.

What is the message and/or lesson?

“you’re stronger than me”

I’ve had this said to me so many times by a man, I’ve lost count.

At first, it sounds like a compliment. No, at first it is a compliment. They admire it. It’s intriguing. They even take pride in it when they talk about how strong I am to others.

But let me tell you what happens. They stop admiring it. It becomes a bar set too high when they would rather go numb. They “shh” me because they can’t find their own words. They call me “crazy” because to examine their own feelings looks a lot like work they can’t get credit for in a paycheck.

Then it turns to: “I’m just not strong enough for you. You deserve better” and they jump ship.

Here’s the thing: you get stronger when the only option you have is to be strong. If the opt out/greener grass option remains available to you, you’re never going to get strong enough. Unless, you WANT to do the work. Guys, a lot of you are still praying for things that you could have long since accomplished, had you not turned your nose up when the opportunity was given to you because it looked more like work, than a blessing bestowed upon you.

May it be of benefit to someone because it just hurts my heart a whole lot tonight.