Fucking Furious

This post is brought to you by voice to text. It will not be edited. Hell, it may not even be read again. All I can tell you is that I’m infuriated. I am sick to death of people who take no accountability for their lives and circumstances and play the victim. Especially when there are actual victims they have hurt and left in their wake. 

I have officially moved on in my grief cycle and am done with denial and sadness. 

I’m fucking furious. 

Intrusive thoughts

He never really loved you. He loved the idea of you: a woman who is an amazing mother, the kind he never had, someone who would love him unconditionally in all the ways he thought himself unworthy, but not you. His love was always conditional. As long as he got his way.  As long as you made it easy on him, do the heavy lifting and be thankful when he wipes your brow and pats your back.  When he said he would never hurt you or your children, he just knew what you wanted to hear…needed to hear, but he would never even bite his tongue to spare any of tou the lashing. You know what you did wrong? You closed your eyes. You stopped watching and you listened and you choose to believe what you wanted. Dont upset the apple cart. Listen to the sweet nothings. He enjoyed it while it fed his own ego and made him look good or polished his reflection as a narcissist. He loved the way it made him look like a better man but he wasnt. He wasnt even a man. He was a trapped little boy, scared to really ever take the chance you gave him to have all the things he *said* he wanted. Facade. Smoke and mirrors. Masks. Everything you  didn’t want or need.

Maybe you’ve never really been loved by any hand that has touched you.  I mean, Jesus, look at the things you’re own father, saint to others, has done to you even recently.

Maybe those things never existed or will. Maybe they don’t make men like they used to. Maybe they never did.

Silence/BROKEN

I’m finally ready to talk about it.

Maybe it’s not so much of a want to talk about it, but maybe I feel like I need to.

The last few months have been an emotional roller-coaster of epic proportion.

Pickle is no longer living here. It brings tears to my eyes just typing it. Living it is something quite different. I’ve been told for quite some time that he would one day need to be some sort of assisted living scenario, I just didn’t think it would come so soon.

A couple months ago, I was FINALLY able to get him into treatment with a therapist who I actually saw him make leaps and bounds with. It was a good thing, it still is, but in the midst of that counseling a lot of things started to surface. I found out that there had been a lot more things going on between my children in the EX’s care than I could have ever imagined. Although these are not the sorts of things a mothers mind wants to imagine or even comprehend, I incidentally also caught him being sexually inappropriate and opportunistic.

Pickle was horrifically sexually abused as a toddler while residing with his biological mother, so this is a demon I am aware he struggles with. Hence, why I am constantly stressed and half-sleeping, listening, watching…..etc. Once you mentally become aware of such things, they don’t ever go away. I always knew this was possible, I just hoped it wouldn’t. With him entering puberty and the things he began revealing in counseling I developed a safety plan in which Jedi stayed the night at my parents house (they live three blocks away) and complete the rest of daily routine in typical fashion. He’d go to school, ride the bus home with his sister, do his homework, have dinner and at bedtime he’d go to my parents to sleep. He spent his weekend here, except for bedtime. It wasn’t easy.  The hardest thing I ever had to do. It hurt like hell.

There were times when I felt I was betraying one for the other. It was hard to wrap my head around how I ended up in a position where my biological son would be sent away for his protection, while my adoptive son would remain with little inconvenience in his life. None of the counselors involved thought this was good, but agreed there was nothing else to do. As it turned out, with my younger son out of the house, older son started becoming opportunistic and, again, unimaginable, started to target my daughter. Typing it now, I still don’t know I came out the other end and somehow kept all these relationships in tack.

After having about a dozen people tell me over and over and over again that I had done everything that I could and that it was in his best interest to get him into intensive, inpatient treatment….I finally got it through my thick skull that it wasn’t giving up….it was actually the best hope there was not just for him but my other two children. The worst part of all of this, or the hardest thing for me to overcome mentally was that Children Services had to take custody in order for the treatment to be covered. They call this dependency. It’s when a child requires care beyond the ability of any guardian to provide. The costs of this treatment are astronomical. $500 PER DAY. Even with private funding from groups organized for this purpose, we were still looking at $200-$300 PER DAY, which only very wealthy people could afford. Beyond that, as I’ve been told, our home environment, with two younger children, is too stimulating for him at this time. So, I’ve got to learn more than I ever wanted to know about the Juvenile Court system as well because he had to be adjudicated and a bunch of other legal mumbo jumbo that is pointless to get into.  I just keep telling myself that it could’ve been much worse. He could have done worse, outside of the home, been charged and that would have put him in sex offender program that likely would have caused him to be re-victimized because of his cognition issues/low I.Q. So he is safe and the other two children are too.

It’s just incredibly hard not having him here. Even though he required twenty-four hour supervision and our lives completely revolved around him, I wish there was something more I could’ve done. I wish I could heal his memories…his soul. I can’t even count the number of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep over all of this.

Whats made it even more emotional has been the final bow of the EX in the children’s life. I guess being under the microscope with everything that was going on with the kids was more than he could handle. A couple days after he was told that he would be required to go through dependency (drug/alochol) counseling and testing to remain involved through the pendency of Children Services involvement he decided that he wanted my husband to adopt the kids. If there was ever any hope in me for him to turn out to be a decent father figure to our children, much less just a decent human being….it is gone. I could have never imagined that he would sign away his kids, like possessions, in exchange for being let off the child support hook. It was his ONLY concern in the processing of the required legal paperwork. To say I am disgusted … is putting it mildly.

None of this is what I want for my children.

The only peace I have is holding onto the hope that all of this will allow all of the kids to be restored in ways that lead them to have healthy, happy, beautiful, full adult lives someday.

And every pain and sacrifice to that end, is worth it.

True Colors

For example, in January there was this stupid disagreement that occurred between my sister and I, on Facebook of all places. Actually, to be more accurrate…my sister imagined a disagreement between us and it continued from there. I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience where you say something to someone in humor and it doesn’t get conveyed via the internet and they blow it out of proportion and then you’re sitting at your computer going….’Wait, what the fuck just happened?’ or is it only me these things happen to?

Remember when people were posting their bra colors as statuses??? Yeh – it’s about that, that’s how stupid this is.

It started because I posted my bra color as my status and then forwarded the message to my closest friends/family (so I thought) to do the same. All in fun, no big deal, everyone I send the message to does it, except my sister. Sometime later, my sister posts as her status that: “Posting your bra color as your status does more to promote Victoria Secret than breast cancer awareness. It’s stupid/slutty. Do something worthwhile and go to komen.com”

(Ironically, the Susan Komen foundation loved this campaign. See here, here, and here.)

Anyways, when I read this status I read it to my husband and laughed. I know my sister’s personality. If she thinks she’s right and your wrong, she will beat a dead horse with it. She always takes it as a personal attack if you challenge any of her thoughts/beliefs and then plots a personal attack on you or whomever has made this mistake. You can’t say anything or it’s an insult, but she can actually insult you and you’re just supposed to take it. And if you insult her, even unknowingly or just in her perception, she’ll never forget it.

You’ve never seen someone hold a grudge like this girl. She hates everyone. She’d be the first to admit that. Then she’ll get upset and say eveyrone ignores her, no one wants to hang out, no one acknowledges her birthday. I mean she’s said this to me about people in our family and I’m thinking: “But you hate them, so what does it matter.” Nothing is ever good enough anyways so who would want to try?

I’ve never faulted her for it, she’s my sister, I love her, Ive written it off as immaturity, but as she’s gotten older it can be exhausting. So, I’ve just learned to take it in stride.

In this case, I saw her post, I just laughed and then I wrote “Thanks” as a comment under her status. I cannot convey the inflection of the voice I intended to use to convey this over the internet, but it was not meant to be like “Thanks alot, bitch” or anything close. It’s one word. She wrote” “Sorry it’s true.” I actually did write “So I’m stupid/slutty?” and then deleted it thinking she wouldn’t understand the humor and would blow it out of proportion. Turns out, it was too late. How this turns into the rest of it, I’ll never know.

This led to her sending a REPLY ALL message to everyone I had sent the bra color instruction to saying basically that I had over-reacted and made all this drama like I always do and that she can’t write anything on her Facebook without me thinking its about me!?!?!

HELLO POT – YOU’RE BLACK!

I was beyond confused. I simply wrote back and asked her what her problem was and that this was all in good fun for a good cause that she needed to relax. That essentially I wasn’t mad. that she was in fact the one starting the drama. I told her I wasn’t sure who had pissed in her Cherrios today and what the problem was, but I hope she felt better.

Now, mind you this message was a thread to other people and some of these other people are our family members who had posted the color of their bra, some of them were friends and work colleagues of mine who in fact, have lost loved ones to breast cancer and so none of them understood what she was upset about or what had happened and were trying to explain themselves. I just apologized for the dramatics. And then one very opinionated friend, Matilda, basically said that we all needed to SHUT THE F*&% up and get over it because “there are wars and shit” and I agreed.

I don’t know if that upset my sister or what but the next day I’m sitting at work and I get a text message from my sister that says “You’re a cunt

The only person whom has ever called me this word, to my face anyways, was my EX. Immediately, Im vulnerable and wounded. I ask her what her problem is and explain that this is some imaginary conflict between us, I’m not mad and don’t understand what the hell is going on. Then she tells me that I’ve crossed the line this time (???), she’s done with me, that she doesn’t love me, she hasn’t for a long time (???) but has tolerated me because we’re sisters and I’m not to contact her again.

OUCH! If it wasn’t so incredibly hurtful, I would have laughed at the stupidity of it. I cried the whole way home from work that day.

The worst part of all this is that my mother and father both had health issues last year in which we thought we might lose them both. If anything that experience only reignited my belief that life is too short and you hold those close to you tight while you can because tomorrow may never come. It’s even more hurtful and confusing to me that she has chosen to behave this way because now my parents can’t enjoy their family all together because my sister refuses to speak/see me. Which also means she is not speaking/seeing my children which I can’t even find words to express my feelings on. I’m sure she’d see them if they went somewhere without me, but you know what, I’m fucking tired of people playing games that involve my children. Seriously, grow up! I just can’t fathom that she would be so selfish, knowing everything my parents and my children have been through. But maybe that’s the problem entirely. Maybe she just can’t see past herself. She can’t put herself in anyone else’s shoes and see the flip side of her behavior. I don’t know.

Normally in this situation I would call, email, write, etc….doing everything I can to figure this out. Make myself sick with worry over her and her psychological health. Not just for me, but for my parents who deserve way better than to suffer over something so petty. For family in general. I did tell my Mom I was sorry things were like this. She told me I didn’t owe her an apology. I too recognize that this isn’t my fault, but I still want to fix it for Mom and Dad.

Regardless, because I know I am already in the thick of dealing with my own overflowing plate…..I let it go. Completely. There’s no grudge. And unlike the old me there’s no worry. It just is. I’m not going to seek her out, but I will always be here. I don’t know that we’ll ever be close after this. It is what it is.

No matter what you’ve done for yourself or for humanity, if you can’t look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?

I’ll believe it when I see it

Today was visitation day for the kids with the El Chupa Douchebag. He called this morning to see who would be attending as in recent weeks both of the boys have more or less thrown in the towel in regards to playing the games their father engages in. I tell him it will most likely only be Diva. He says that sucks. I concur, but what can I do? He asks to talk to the boys and only Jedi will come to the phone.

Before I hand the phone over I hear Stankcy and PlayDoh in the background and I ask him if he can go somewhere alone so that when Jedi gets on the phone that he doesn’t hear PlayDoh as there are so many issues that involve him. Apparently when he goes away to get some quiet private time, “she” freaks out because “she” thinks he’s talking to me. This gets him pretty heated and they get into an argument. I explain that I’m not trying to cause problems, that I don’t care about “her” or “them” but I’m just trying to make things work for the kids. He says he knows, which shocks me and then he goes on to tell me that she’s a selfish bitch and that he’s started to see all the ways in which she has destroyed his relationship with “his family”.As I expected, Jedi has a meltdown about going to see his El Chupa so I take Diva over to my parents so that they can transport her to the visit.

I’m crying it’s just really emotionally draining to see your kids stress so much over seeing their “father”, for the love of God.

I send him a text message letting him know we’re running a few minutes late and that only Diva will be coming. He calls the house and is actually cordial to Jer. Asks him if there is anything he can do to help. Jer tells him he doesn’t know and he’ll have me call him later. El Chupa calls my cell and asks me what he can do. I tell him that all I can offer is my opinion and I already know he doesn’t want to hear it. He tells me that I’m the mother of his children, that makes my opinion matter. (Who is this person?)  I tell him… the kids problem with you is that: 1. they don’t like the way they see/hear you treat me and;;

2. that you live with “her” and after everything they feel like you betrayed them – those are their words, not mine. He actually says, that he can see why they might feel that way. I tell him that he needs to understand that they don’t feel that way because of me though. He stops me and tells me he knows. I tell him that he needs to stop telling them that he’s not mad and that he’s not being mean to anybody because they’re not stupid, they know he has and then they think he’s a liar. I tell him what you need to say is “I’m sorry, I’ve been a jerk. I was wrong. .I’ll try harder” and then DO IT.

He tells me he’s sorry. I tell him I don’t want to hear “sorry”, I’ve heard it for 10 years, enough, I just want him to make it right with them. He tells me he will. He says she’s a selfish bitch and she’s made this situation a win-win for her and a lose-lose for him and that he was blinded by it for way too long. I tell him I tried to tell him, but he didn’t want to her it. He says he couldn’t hear it. I told him that Jer even says that everything changed when he moved in with her. Sure, we had our issues and arguments, but we were always able to set it aside for the kids. We had dinner together and went to school functions together and they spent the night when they wanted. Then that stopped because “she” was jealous of him being around me, of his relationship with the kids. “She” started filling his head with b.s. because it worked to her advantage to turn him against us, but HE LET HER. He tells me he’s going to make it right.

That might have been a good decision a YEAR AGO.

(sigh)

The thing that makes this strange is that on Thursday he signed the papers ending our Shared Parenting Plan, giving me full custody and legal guardianship of the kids. The only parenting rights he retained were supervised visits. In the past, when he has played this hand with me, it has been prior to a court decision or agreement in Order to make me feel sorry for him and to cut him some slack. That’s not the case now.

I’m very suspicious of ulterior motives here. I’m also keenly aware that in the past, I was the “selfish bitch” so I don’t like the finger pointing that’s going on there, but he did also say it wasn’t just that, that it was his own actions as well.

Diva comes home from visitation and says “Daddy says he’s not going to be a jerk anymore“. My Mom says, “He was different today

Weird. That’s all I can say.

I’ll believe it when I see it.

this is gonna get ugly 10/5/06

i tried to talk to him about the separation agreement, turns out we couldn’t do much agreeing. actually, i take that back…he was pretty agitated when i told him how much child and spousal support would amount to. that was his big concern. not his family falling apart, but child support. he said: “so basically i’ll give you a paycheck for nothing“. yeh, he’s sweet. then, i started telling him that while i would like to have shared parenting and for the kids to have more time with him than the standard ordered visitation, i was concerned about his drinking and wanted language added to the agreement where he would abstain from drinking during his visitations. this really set him off. he told me this was another way of me controlling him and just trying to get my way. that is was ridiculous. he laughed at me. told me that if i wanted to be nasty, we would get nasty.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

eventually the words all run together. they’re mean, spiteful…they all sound the same.

i know i’m doing the right thing. i do. and it’s not divorce that i fear.

what i’m scared of is the kids only having him to depend on during visitation. don’t get me wrong, i don’t think he’s a bad father, but where alcohol is involved, he sense is gone and it scares me. if i’m honest that’s probably the reason i’ve stayed as long as i have. because i figured if i stayed i could protect them and if we went our separate ways i’d have to trust him……with my children……and i don’t. not where alcohol comes into play.

(((((sigh)))))))

this is gonna get ugly. i just know it.