Fucking Furious

This post is brought to you by voice to text. It will not be edited. Hell, it may not even be read again. All I can tell you is that I’m infuriated. I am sick to death of people who take no accountability for their lives and circumstances and play the victim. Especially when there are actual victims they have hurt and left in their wake. 

I have officially moved on in my grief cycle and am done with denial and sadness. 

I’m fucking furious. 

Intrusive thoughts

He never really loved you. He loved the idea of you: a woman who is an amazing mother, the kind he never had, someone who would love him unconditionally in all the ways he thought himself unworthy, but not you. His love was always conditional. As long as he got his way.  As long as you made it easy on him, do the heavy lifting and be thankful when he wipes your brow and pats your back.  When he said he would never hurt you or your children, he just knew what you wanted to hear…needed to hear, but he would never even bite his tongue to spare any of tou the lashing. You know what you did wrong? You closed your eyes. You stopped watching and you listened and you choose to believe what you wanted. Dont upset the apple cart. Listen to the sweet nothings. He enjoyed it while it fed his own ego and made him look good or polished his reflection as a narcissist. He loved the way it made him look like a better man but he wasnt. He wasnt even a man. He was a trapped little boy, scared to really ever take the chance you gave him to have all the things he *said* he wanted. Facade. Smoke and mirrors. Masks. Everything you  didn’t want or need.

Maybe you’ve never really been loved by any hand that has touched you.  I mean, Jesus, look at the things you’re own father, saint to others, has done to you even recently.

Maybe those things never existed or will. Maybe they don’t make men like they used to. Maybe they never did.

Silence/BROKEN

I’m finally ready to talk about it.

Maybe it’s not so much of a want to talk about it, but maybe I feel like I need to.

The last few months have been an emotional roller-coaster of epic proportion.

Pickle is no longer living here. It brings tears to my eyes just typing it. Living it is something quite different. I’ve been told for quite some time that he would one day need to be some sort of assisted living scenario, I just didn’t think it would come so soon.

A couple months ago, I was FINALLY able to get him into treatment with a therapist who I actually saw him make leaps and bounds with. It was a good thing, it still is, but in the midst of that counseling a lot of things started to surface. I found out that there had been a lot more things going on between my children in the EX’s care than I could have ever imagined. Although these are not the sorts of things a mothers mind wants to imagine or even comprehend, I incidentally also caught him being sexually inappropriate and opportunistic.

Pickle was horrifically sexually abused as a toddler while residing with his biological mother, so this is a demon I am aware he struggles with. Hence, why I am constantly stressed and half-sleeping, listening, watching…..etc. Once you mentally become aware of such things, they don’t ever go away. I always knew this was possible, I just hoped it wouldn’t. With him entering puberty and the things he began revealing in counseling I developed a safety plan in which Jedi stayed the night at my parents house (they live three blocks away) and complete the rest of daily routine in typical fashion. He’d go to school, ride the bus home with his sister, do his homework, have dinner and at bedtime he’d go to my parents to sleep. He spent his weekend here, except for bedtime. It wasn’t easy.  The hardest thing I ever had to do. It hurt like hell.

There were times when I felt I was betraying one for the other. It was hard to wrap my head around how I ended up in a position where my biological son would be sent away for his protection, while my adoptive son would remain with little inconvenience in his life. None of the counselors involved thought this was good, but agreed there was nothing else to do. As it turned out, with my younger son out of the house, older son started becoming opportunistic and, again, unimaginable, started to target my daughter. Typing it now, I still don’t know I came out the other end and somehow kept all these relationships in tack.

After having about a dozen people tell me over and over and over again that I had done everything that I could and that it was in his best interest to get him into intensive, inpatient treatment….I finally got it through my thick skull that it wasn’t giving up….it was actually the best hope there was not just for him but my other two children. The worst part of all of this, or the hardest thing for me to overcome mentally was that Children Services had to take custody in order for the treatment to be covered. They call this dependency. It’s when a child requires care beyond the ability of any guardian to provide. The costs of this treatment are astronomical. $500 PER DAY. Even with private funding from groups organized for this purpose, we were still looking at $200-$300 PER DAY, which only very wealthy people could afford. Beyond that, as I’ve been told, our home environment, with two younger children, is too stimulating for him at this time. So, I’ve got to learn more than I ever wanted to know about the Juvenile Court system as well because he had to be adjudicated and a bunch of other legal mumbo jumbo that is pointless to get into.  I just keep telling myself that it could’ve been much worse. He could have done worse, outside of the home, been charged and that would have put him in sex offender program that likely would have caused him to be re-victimized because of his cognition issues/low I.Q. So he is safe and the other two children are too.

It’s just incredibly hard not having him here. Even though he required twenty-four hour supervision and our lives completely revolved around him, I wish there was something more I could’ve done. I wish I could heal his memories…his soul. I can’t even count the number of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep over all of this.

Whats made it even more emotional has been the final bow of the EX in the children’s life. I guess being under the microscope with everything that was going on with the kids was more than he could handle. A couple days after he was told that he would be required to go through dependency (drug/alochol) counseling and testing to remain involved through the pendency of Children Services involvement he decided that he wanted my husband to adopt the kids. If there was ever any hope in me for him to turn out to be a decent father figure to our children, much less just a decent human being….it is gone. I could have never imagined that he would sign away his kids, like possessions, in exchange for being let off the child support hook. It was his ONLY concern in the processing of the required legal paperwork. To say I am disgusted … is putting it mildly.

None of this is what I want for my children.

The only peace I have is holding onto the hope that all of this will allow all of the kids to be restored in ways that lead them to have healthy, happy, beautiful, full adult lives someday.

And every pain and sacrifice to that end, is worth it.

True Colors

For example, in January there was this stupid disagreement that occurred between my sister and I, on Facebook of all places. Actually, to be more accurrate…my sister imagined a disagreement between us and it continued from there. I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience where you say something to someone in humor and it doesn’t get conveyed via the internet and they blow it out of proportion and then you’re sitting at your computer going….’Wait, what the fuck just happened?’ or is it only me these things happen to?

Remember when people were posting their bra colors as statuses??? Yeh – it’s about that, that’s how stupid this is.

It started because I posted my bra color as my status and then forwarded the message to my closest friends/family (so I thought) to do the same. All in fun, no big deal, everyone I send the message to does it, except my sister. Sometime later, my sister posts as her status that: “Posting your bra color as your status does more to promote Victoria Secret than breast cancer awareness. It’s stupid/slutty. Do something worthwhile and go to komen.com”

(Ironically, the Susan Komen foundation loved this campaign. See here, here, and here.)

Anyways, when I read this status I read it to my husband and laughed. I know my sister’s personality. If she thinks she’s right and your wrong, she will beat a dead horse with it. She always takes it as a personal attack if you challenge any of her thoughts/beliefs and then plots a personal attack on you or whomever has made this mistake. You can’t say anything or it’s an insult, but she can actually insult you and you’re just supposed to take it. And if you insult her, even unknowingly or just in her perception, she’ll never forget it.

You’ve never seen someone hold a grudge like this girl. She hates everyone. She’d be the first to admit that. Then she’ll get upset and say eveyrone ignores her, no one wants to hang out, no one acknowledges her birthday. I mean she’s said this to me about people in our family and I’m thinking: “But you hate them, so what does it matter.” Nothing is ever good enough anyways so who would want to try?

I’ve never faulted her for it, she’s my sister, I love her, Ive written it off as immaturity, but as she’s gotten older it can be exhausting. So, I’ve just learned to take it in stride.

In this case, I saw her post, I just laughed and then I wrote “Thanks” as a comment under her status. I cannot convey the inflection of the voice I intended to use to convey this over the internet, but it was not meant to be like “Thanks alot, bitch” or anything close. It’s one word. She wrote” “Sorry it’s true.” I actually did write “So I’m stupid/slutty?” and then deleted it thinking she wouldn’t understand the humor and would blow it out of proportion. Turns out, it was too late. How this turns into the rest of it, I’ll never know.

This led to her sending a REPLY ALL message to everyone I had sent the bra color instruction to saying basically that I had over-reacted and made all this drama like I always do and that she can’t write anything on her Facebook without me thinking its about me!?!?!

HELLO POT – YOU’RE BLACK!

I was beyond confused. I simply wrote back and asked her what her problem was and that this was all in good fun for a good cause that she needed to relax. That essentially I wasn’t mad. that she was in fact the one starting the drama. I told her I wasn’t sure who had pissed in her Cherrios today and what the problem was, but I hope she felt better.

Now, mind you this message was a thread to other people and some of these other people are our family members who had posted the color of their bra, some of them were friends and work colleagues of mine who in fact, have lost loved ones to breast cancer and so none of them understood what she was upset about or what had happened and were trying to explain themselves. I just apologized for the dramatics. And then one very opinionated friend, Matilda, basically said that we all needed to SHUT THE F*&% up and get over it because “there are wars and shit” and I agreed.

I don’t know if that upset my sister or what but the next day I’m sitting at work and I get a text message from my sister that says “You’re a cunt

The only person whom has ever called me this word, to my face anyways, was my EX. Immediately, Im vulnerable and wounded. I ask her what her problem is and explain that this is some imaginary conflict between us, I’m not mad and don’t understand what the hell is going on. Then she tells me that I’ve crossed the line this time (???), she’s done with me, that she doesn’t love me, she hasn’t for a long time (???) but has tolerated me because we’re sisters and I’m not to contact her again.

OUCH! If it wasn’t so incredibly hurtful, I would have laughed at the stupidity of it. I cried the whole way home from work that day.

The worst part of all this is that my mother and father both had health issues last year in which we thought we might lose them both. If anything that experience only reignited my belief that life is too short and you hold those close to you tight while you can because tomorrow may never come. It’s even more hurtful and confusing to me that she has chosen to behave this way because now my parents can’t enjoy their family all together because my sister refuses to speak/see me. Which also means she is not speaking/seeing my children which I can’t even find words to express my feelings on. I’m sure she’d see them if they went somewhere without me, but you know what, I’m fucking tired of people playing games that involve my children. Seriously, grow up! I just can’t fathom that she would be so selfish, knowing everything my parents and my children have been through. But maybe that’s the problem entirely. Maybe she just can’t see past herself. She can’t put herself in anyone else’s shoes and see the flip side of her behavior. I don’t know.

Normally in this situation I would call, email, write, etc….doing everything I can to figure this out. Make myself sick with worry over her and her psychological health. Not just for me, but for my parents who deserve way better than to suffer over something so petty. For family in general. I did tell my Mom I was sorry things were like this. She told me I didn’t owe her an apology. I too recognize that this isn’t my fault, but I still want to fix it for Mom and Dad.

Regardless, because I know I am already in the thick of dealing with my own overflowing plate…..I let it go. Completely. There’s no grudge. And unlike the old me there’s no worry. It just is. I’m not going to seek her out, but I will always be here. I don’t know that we’ll ever be close after this. It is what it is.

No matter what you’ve done for yourself or for humanity, if you can’t look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?

I’ll believe it when I see it

Today was visitation day for the kids with the El Chupa Douchebag. He called this morning to see who would be attending as in recent weeks both of the boys have more or less thrown in the towel in regards to playing the games their father engages in. I tell him it will most likely only be Diva. He says that sucks. I concur, but what can I do? He asks to talk to the boys and only Jedi will come to the phone.

Before I hand the phone over I hear Stankcy and PlayDoh in the background and I ask him if he can go somewhere alone so that when Jedi gets on the phone that he doesn’t hear PlayDoh as there are so many issues that involve him. Apparently when he goes away to get some quiet private time, “she” freaks out because “she” thinks he’s talking to me. This gets him pretty heated and they get into an argument. I explain that I’m not trying to cause problems, that I don’t care about “her” or “them” but I’m just trying to make things work for the kids. He says he knows, which shocks me and then he goes on to tell me that she’s a selfish bitch and that he’s started to see all the ways in which she has destroyed his relationship with “his family”.As I expected, Jedi has a meltdown about going to see his El Chupa so I take Diva over to my parents so that they can transport her to the visit.

I’m crying it’s just really emotionally draining to see your kids stress so much over seeing their “father”, for the love of God.

I send him a text message letting him know we’re running a few minutes late and that only Diva will be coming. He calls the house and is actually cordial to Jer. Asks him if there is anything he can do to help. Jer tells him he doesn’t know and he’ll have me call him later. El Chupa calls my cell and asks me what he can do. I tell him that all I can offer is my opinion and I already know he doesn’t want to hear it. He tells me that I’m the mother of his children, that makes my opinion matter. (Who is this person?)  I tell him… the kids problem with you is that: 1. they don’t like the way they see/hear you treat me and;;

2. that you live with “her” and after everything they feel like you betrayed them – those are their words, not mine. He actually says, that he can see why they might feel that way. I tell him that he needs to understand that they don’t feel that way because of me though. He stops me and tells me he knows. I tell him that he needs to stop telling them that he’s not mad and that he’s not being mean to anybody because they’re not stupid, they know he has and then they think he’s a liar. I tell him what you need to say is “I’m sorry, I’ve been a jerk. I was wrong. .I’ll try harder” and then DO IT.

He tells me he’s sorry. I tell him I don’t want to hear “sorry”, I’ve heard it for 10 years, enough, I just want him to make it right with them. He tells me he will. He says she’s a selfish bitch and she’s made this situation a win-win for her and a lose-lose for him and that he was blinded by it for way too long. I tell him I tried to tell him, but he didn’t want to her it. He says he couldn’t hear it. I told him that Jer even says that everything changed when he moved in with her. Sure, we had our issues and arguments, but we were always able to set it aside for the kids. We had dinner together and went to school functions together and they spent the night when they wanted. Then that stopped because “she” was jealous of him being around me, of his relationship with the kids. “She” started filling his head with b.s. because it worked to her advantage to turn him against us, but HE LET HER. He tells me he’s going to make it right.

That might have been a good decision a YEAR AGO.

(sigh)

The thing that makes this strange is that on Thursday he signed the papers ending our Shared Parenting Plan, giving me full custody and legal guardianship of the kids. The only parenting rights he retained were supervised visits. In the past, when he has played this hand with me, it has been prior to a court decision or agreement in Order to make me feel sorry for him and to cut him some slack. That’s not the case now.

I’m very suspicious of ulterior motives here. I’m also keenly aware that in the past, I was the “selfish bitch” so I don’t like the finger pointing that’s going on there, but he did also say it wasn’t just that, that it was his own actions as well.

Diva comes home from visitation and says “Daddy says he’s not going to be a jerk anymore“. My Mom says, “He was different today

Weird. That’s all I can say.

I’ll believe it when I see it.

this is gonna get ugly 10/5/06

i tried to talk to him about the separation agreement, turns out we couldn’t do much agreeing. actually, i take that back…he was pretty agitated when i told him how much child and spousal support would amount to. that was his big concern. not his family falling apart, but child support. he said: “so basically i’ll give you a paycheck for nothing“. yeh, he’s sweet. then, i started telling him that while i would like to have shared parenting and for the kids to have more time with him than the standard ordered visitation, i was concerned about his drinking and wanted language added to the agreement where he would abstain from drinking during his visitations. this really set him off. he told me this was another way of me controlling him and just trying to get my way. that is was ridiculous. he laughed at me. told me that if i wanted to be nasty, we would get nasty.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

eventually the words all run together. they’re mean, spiteful…they all sound the same.

i know i’m doing the right thing. i do. and it’s not divorce that i fear.

what i’m scared of is the kids only having him to depend on during visitation. don’t get me wrong, i don’t think he’s a bad father, but where alcohol is involved, he sense is gone and it scares me. if i’m honest that’s probably the reason i’ve stayed as long as i have. because i figured if i stayed i could protect them and if we went our separate ways i’d have to trust him……with my children……and i don’t. not where alcohol comes into play.

(((((sigh)))))))

this is gonna get ugly. i just know it.

 

i dont know how much more of this crap i can take 10/1/06

this weekend was horrible.

i’m actually thankful tomorrow is monday. it means that he’ll be headed back to work and away from me and the kids. hallejuah!

where do i even begin?

thursday… had all my std tests done. found out that aside from whatever it is that is going on, it’s also stirred up a uti and a bladder infection which would explain why i was in so much discomfort. after my appt and meeting with my boss for the day, i went home, put on jammies, ordered a pizza and chilled with the kids. when he called and said he would be late, i figured i’d start on some filing for friday. when he got home at 7, baby girl ran to the door and hugged/kissed him. he comes in the room. i say hi. he looks at me and says “why is she the only one who runs to the door with hugs and kisses?”

here we go. self-pity mode night.

i get up, hug him, kiss him on the cheek and ask how his day was. he bitches about his job and how he hates it there now. i calculate in my head how long he’s been there. little over 9 months. this is about right. every year to two years, he changes jobs cause he just hates it and it’s everyone else’s fault. i tell him to try and hang in there and remember it’s a job and that the real reason he works is for everything else, for his family.  this keeps him quiet for a minute before he aks me if i really love him. i stop what i’m doing, look him straight in the eye and say, yes, i do. i return to my work. he says, that’s it? then he says “tell me, tell me how much you love me“. is this fair? i mean, i’m sitting here concentrating on client cases and you’re demanding that i spell out my love for you? i wouldn’t call him at work and do that.  for about 10 mins baby girl keeps giving him hugs and kisses and he says over and over and over, “at least somebody loves me“.  i just ignore him. this is what my counselor has told me not to react to, so i won’t. i don’t. he starts sighing and sulking about making himself dinner. this from the guy i’ve cooked a meal for all week, without a single, thank-you, nothing. the guy i called and asked if i could order pizza for dinner because i was so tired and uncomfortable, “yeh sure, we had pizza for a late lunch here, i can fend for myself.” so, whatever. ignore. ignore, ignore.

i’m trying to finish up so i can watch my thursday night shows. right after his show goes off and mine is about to come on he pauses it, looks at me and tells me he’s horny.  i tell him sorry, i’m really not interested. i mean – hello???  crotch is under reconstruction. his response was to drop his head and close his eyes and rub his forehead as if he was trying to ease a headache, sighing loudly, sulking on and on through the show. when it ended, he gets up, gets his laptop and says “goodnight” really nasty and goes upstairs. i just stayed on the couch. i left the tv on, but didn’t watch it. i just laid there, fuming, biting my nails, trying not to go tell him off for being such an inconsiderate, selfish jerk. i didn’t do it. i didn’t react. it took me 2 hours to get over it, but i did. then i went upstairs where he was looking up dept of labor information about his job on the laptop. i asked him if he was almost done and he smacked his lips at me and said “no. i can’t believe you’re gonna stay down there all this time and then come up here and act all annoyed cause i have the light on when you know im looking up important information for work.” (snort) i denied my first instinct to claw his eyes out, told him i was not annoyed, was in pain, uncomfortable, ready to go to sleep and just asking when he would be done. then i just pulled the blankets up over my head and turned my back towards him. i guess he went downstairs and slept on the couch at some point.

friday. i had counseling. he was proud of me for not reacting. we talked a lot about  the job and how i had put things in place to be prepared while i was still waiting for the husband to start putting in some effort. (i.e. preparing for the worst, hoping for the best) he told me i shouldn’t set myself up to be disappointed by him where my job or income was concerned because he couldn’t be trusted right now. he asked me if i had thought about putting some money away, getting my own checking account. he told me i should think about putting my paycheck aside. this seemed reasonable to me. especially since there was some extra money in the account already and there was another check on the way. i sent my check off to my savings account in virginia. this plays out more later…

he calls says he’s on his way home. calls back about 5 mins later, says guy from work just called him and asked him to have a beer, so he’s gonna go and he’ll be home later. whatever. I think he got back around 10pm. i don’t think he was drunk either and i can’t say i would’ve cared either way. it’s old. i’m getting over it. what ticked me off most about this incident was that the night before i had asked if i could go out to dinner with my girlfriend and he said it wasn’t a good idea because he was tired and it wouldn’t be fair to the kids and then here he goes. it’s annoying to say the least. i mean how would he like it if the roles were reversed and he was a stay at home dad and i had a job and he didn’t get to go out and socialize with adults and i would go off to work and then out for drinks at least once a week? not to mention all the times he drank at home this week.

saturday morning the kids are up and we’re still laying in bed and he starts being mean to them. telling me they don’t listen and i let them walk all over me. i didn’t say a word. when i do, it doesn’t help so i just laid there, cringing at the way he was talking to them and treating them. it made me sick to my stomach. and i’m thinking to myself how fair is it really that he expects a 10, 5 and 3 year old to listen to me, when he doesn’t? he’s not consistent at all. in fact every rule that he applies, he breaks or lets them get away with and then he wonders why they don’t listen. (snort) whatever. i tell him that he should probably spend some one on one time with them and explained that i need to get out and do something anyways. i need a break. he says well maybe he can get a sitter (which means i should call my dad, he never makes arrangements) and go watch his dad play out with his band (code: you can be my designated driver while i drink with my family) ummmm, let me think … no. well how about we go out on a date, dinner and a movie? ok, i’ll do that. sounds a little promising, right?

wrong. 5 mins later, we start fighting. i go to brush my teeth and i come back in the bedroom to find him digging through my purse. (let me stop and explain at this point that in recent months, i sleep with my purse, keys, cell, and laptop, right next to my side of the bed, for fear that he’ll do something. like the time he unplugged all the computer equipment when he was drunk or took my keys with him to work so i would be stuck here all day, etc,) i ask what he’s doing. i don’t think i ever got an answer before i snatched it out of his hands and told him i didn’t have any money. he said something about picking up bagels on the way out to his brother’s. i asked what had happened to the $100 he had kept out of his paycheck. after a “god damn” like i had been riding his ass for asking the question, he starts going into lunch, chew, here, there, blah, blah, blah and all i said in response was “wow.” i mean, $100 in cash could last me…probably 3 -4 weeks. now he’s all defensive. didn’t i get paid? yes. where’s that money? i put it in my savings account. this sent off a wide eyes psycho look. he was pissed.  what about the ssi check? it’s in my purse, i haven’t done anything with it yet. so what’s in this account, what’s in that account? which turned into him actually logging onto the account, which i don’t think he’s ever done before because i had to give him the login id and password. he’s looking at the check register and being really mean and nasty. asks me what i wrote this check for and that check for. dr. appt. prescriptions, otc treatments for my *problem*, pizza one night … all stuff he knew about and he’s acting like i’ve done something really deceitful and crazy. i tell him he needs to calm down and quit talking to me like this. he continues. i tell him he’s an asshole. this is the part where he gets all self-righteous. “well, i’m not name-calling” good for you, dear. really, good for you.

oh yeh. here you are FINALLY caring about the finances, telling me i’ve done all this shit behind your back, acting crazy, talking to me like a piece of shit in front of my kids while, they are once again, getting away with murder cause your too busy being psycho but yes, sweetness, you surely didn’t name call. give me a fuckin break.

he just went on and on and on and on and on and on, til finally, i said “you know what, i’m gonna get my stuff and go stay at my mom’s for the weekend. i don’t need this and the kids SURELY don’t need this crap“. he starts telling me how he’s gonna take the money out of the account.  i explain that he can’t do that because there are already bills scheduled to be paid out of the account on the 1st. why would he do that? he says “because it’s my god damn money!”  but really, it was for the bills and our mortgage. so when he left the room, i grabbed the bill stuff away from the table and the checkbook, threw it in my laptop bag and went upstairs to get my stuff together to leave. as im pulling stuff out of the closet, he walks in our bedroom, all pissed off and i tell him right off the back not to touch me and to stay away from me, don’t make this worse…DON’T TOUCH ME, that’s the last thing you wanna do.

i was scared. i really was. he starts pulling on my laptop bag. he kept trying to open it and i pulled back, so he snatched my keys out of my hand and ran downstairs. i asked him for my keys back and told him i just wanted to leave and he said give me the checkbook. i told him he could have it, but, again, that money needed to be there and the way he was acting, i couldn’t trust him.  he refused to give me the keys so i told him the car was in my name, i just wanted to leave. he laughed at me and told me to call them. i started to call my dad to at least help me figure out how to calm the situation down. while i was dialing, he unplugged the phone from the wall. my arms were full and i was trying to dig my cell out of my purse. i tossed the phone on the stairs in front of me. i walked outside and he shut and locked the door behind me. then he came out and started getting into my car. i yelled for him to get out. he gave me the most evil look i’ve ever seen. i can’t explain it, but it made goosebumps all the way up my arms. it was this smirk. it was only a split second, but it said a lot.

he started grabbing my file for work and cut me the look again. finally, i get him to give me the keys. he removes my house, work keys from it and i tell him no, now he has my house/work keys. the COPS show up. i explain. they tell him he’s being ridiculous and that this isn’t going to get resolved so he should just give me my keys and let me leave. after he gave my keys, i go to leave and he brings the kids out of the house and is telling them to wave. seriously. this to me tells me he has no interest in not putting them in the middle of this situation.

i left and was driving around aimlessly.  i just sat there and cried. i went to my parents house and just laid on the couch with my head in my mom’s lap and sobbed for about an hour. she told me i should just hold on to the ssi check and open my own checking account to pay the bills out of so i could at least rely on that money, that even if he hated me he was responsible for tending to his families’ needs and he was just being hateful and unreliable.

i didn’t go home til around 10pm. the house was trashed, there was take-out food containers all over the kitchen, food all over the kitchen table, floor, family room floor, he had broken down a couple computers on the dining room table…the house was just gross….but i didn’t say anything. the kids were in bed so,  i went and took a shower, got on my pajamas and went to bed.

i got up this morning and got the kids ready to go to church with my parents. after they left, i just came upstairs and went back to bed. the antibiotic they have me on, makes me sleepy. i ended up sleeping til noon. he came up and told me to get up and get dressed he wanted to go get some lunch. i told him i wasn’t hungry. he said i had to eat. (i don’t have much of an appetite lately) i told him i didn’t want to go anywhere with him. he kept pushing and pushing and talking about lunch. i told him i didn’t have any money. he pulled on my arm and said, “yeh you do…c’mon…what sounds good?”  my reply was “you moving out“, which understandably ticked him off enough for him to tell me he needed me to move my car so he could leave. which i did. and he asked me again if i was going and i didn’t. know what he did?

he went out and spent the bill money on 4 new speakers for his Jeep. this was major fuel on my fire. here i am, needing some new professionl outfits for work, been using my mom’s vaccuum for 2 months, cause mine’s busted, there are so many other things we could have used that money on if we were gonna spend it, but we didn’t even have it to spend. he spent the rest of the afternoon putting them in. while i cleaned up the house, did laundry, dishes, got dinner ready, etc, etc. we grilled pork chops on the grill. and sat down for dinner and he laid into me. telling me all he wanted from me was my love and affection. that’s all he ever wanted. he’s just trying to be himself and i don’t like it because he’s taking control. oh my god! i just told him to stop, not to even talk to me, that i didn’t want to hear it, because it was crap and there wasn’t any sense and talking anymore.

as if this wasn’t enough. he looks at me and says, “have you slept with someone else?”  excuse me? “well, it was just a couple weeks ago that you went and spent the night at your friend’s house and” ….i cut him off, no, no i didn’t, i got a migraine and i came home…. “oh yeh“, he says, “right you got sick and came home in your pajamas and your pants were in the trunk of the car“.  uh yeh because i was SUPPOSED to spend the night with her. then he says, “i’m just saying…you know there was that and then now, what 2 weeks later…you have this yeast infection and you know if you were with someone else and your body isn’t used to them, you might have a reaction, i mean your body is used to me and“….i interrupt and explain that yeast infections aren’t sexually transmitted.  it was ridiculous. then he starts asking me why i’m getting so defensive? maybe because i can’t believe his audacity. i mean, isn’t he the one who doesn’t come home at night? he insists this means something.

then, after dinner and 4 beers he went and got in his Jeep and started to leave. baby girl sees him pulling out of the driveway and starts getting upset because she wanted to go for a ride.  i open the front door and gave him a look like “what are you doing?” and he makes a motion with his finger in a circle and mouths “going around the block.” about 40 mins later he still wasn’t back. baby girl is upset so i dial his number 4 times before he answers all annoyed “hello?   what?!” before he realized it was her. she told him she wanted to go for a ride. he said ok. told her he’d be back. then she asked about going to get pumpkins. anyways, another hour later…she’s still waiting and he’s a no show.

you know what? it’s one thing for him to do screwed up stuff that disappoints me, but why her? why? i distracted her with a bubble bath and then went and called him. he doesn’t answer the phone. so i left a message telling him exactly what i just said…it was one thing to do things to hurt me, but he told her he would take her for a ride and then he didn’t  and that was beyond screwed up. he calls me back. tells me he’s at his buddies house and he’s just going to spend the night. so i ask him what he’s doing and why he would do that to her. he of course says he didn’t tell her that. I HEARD HIM … with my own ears. it was on speakerphone. I HEARD HIM. I ask how he went from going around the block to spedning the night, he said his buddy called him and asked him to come over, like he does all the time, and he went over there and he thought she doesn’t want me there, and i interrupted….”ohhhhh…it’s my fault. i see, say no more“. he hung up on me. now, i’m pissed. i called him back about 6 times before i left him a message telling him that i thought what he did was messed up and i wasn’t going to keep calling him to tell him so, just so he and his buddy could sit there and laugh at me, when they were the same, thirtysomething year old guys who couldn’t get a relationship to work and who will both end up old and alone and that he was right i didn’t want him here hurting us, we didn’t deserve it and that instead of coming back and making us miserable that i just wanted him to stay gone.

then i spent the rest of the night putting on my mom mask, getting the kids homework done with them, getting bookbags ready, giving baths, getting snacks and off to bed.

we’re here and he’s not.  again.

what is the point and dragging this out? why can’t he just go and have his freakin visitations. i mean, at least then it would be consistent and the kids wouldn’t be coming in here asking where daddy was. assuming he can handle a couple hours a week and every other weekend. it’s so not fair to them. i hate him for that. this is exactly what i don’t want. i don’t want to feel like i have to protect them from him. i don’t want our problems to interfere with parenting them.

god- i hate this.

 

word of the day: ugh!

today was even worse

i cried so hard today that i actually couldn’t breathe. i’ve only ever actually heard one other person cry like that ever. it scared me that i found myself balled up on the floor of the bathroom in the fetal position crying like that. i’m getting worried…about myself. i keep waiting, praying, hoping beyond all hope that some miracle is going to cure that’s gonna stop all of this. heal all of this. i guess i’m desperately wanting to be saved and perhaps the only person who’s going to do that is me.
i woke up this morning to him trying to get in bed with me. he asked my son, who had crawled in bed with me after a bad dream, to move so he could lay next to me. i just kept hugging my son. he snorts and rolls over. my son offers to move so he can lay next to me to which he replies, “it’s ok, she doesn’t want me. she’s just being mean” then my oldest son came in and asks if he would make him bacon for breakfast, he replies no and when he asks me…another snort and he chimes in “she doesn’t cook breakfast, she might pour you a bowl of cereal but she won’t cook you nothing.

is this really happening? did i really stay home with my kids last night, make them dinner, tuck them in and watch them worry about where daddy was, all while he’s out getting hammered, to have him come home and ridicule me in front of my children? these words…this game he is playing is ABSOLUTELY, without a doubt, the worst thing you can do to your child and it has bad consequences which i really don’t want to subject them to.
i retreat to the kitchen, phone rings. his brother j whom i made the mistake of actually thinking might talk some sense into his sibling. i tried to talk to him about the situation and boy, was that a mistake. really, i want to believe that i can’t fault him for his actions or words, because #1- he’s relying on my husband‘s word and #2- he desperately wants to believe his brother. they’re family, i get it. but at some point if you really care about someone and you see that there is someone else who really cares about them and is asking for your help, shouldn’t stop enabling your family member for one minute, to think about what might be in their best interest? shit….that’s hair-brained of me. because they all drink and are verbally abusive, so to acknowledge that this behavior is wrong, would be admitting he was wrong too. but it left me feeling like i was trapped in the twilight zone or something, where common sense isn’t so common and i just felt like i was losing it. this is the part where i ended up on the bathroom floor sobbing and gasping for breath.
he played the concerned husband for all of 10, maybe 20 mins and then reverted back to his self-absorbed ways. i don’t even feel like writing all the bullshit he spouted out. except for two parts. the one where i told him his actions had now scared me into questioning whether i could trust him to be alone with the kids and the part when i asked him to sign something saying that he wouldn’t be under the influence of drug and alcohol while the kids were in his care and he refused. those stand out. also the part when he agreed he would leave the house, only to call me later and tell me he wouldn’t be leaving until he speaks to an attorney, which just subjects me and the kids to his roller coaster, volatile ways, which is everything i’m trying to avoid.
again, i feel trapped.
several people have said to me today that this is going to get nasty because that’s his nature. i’m starting to really fear that when he backs me into a corner, that i’m gonna have to get some claws. i have them, really, i do. but in all honesty, i just don’t treat people like this. i wouldn’t treat someone i really didn’t like the way he treats me, much less someone who i love and have made a life with and born children for. stop. look at what i just wrote. i wouldn’t treat someone i didn’t like the way he treats me. what does that say about how much he “loves” me? what does that say about how much he thinks of me? respects me? appreciates me?
wow. that’s depressing.

i don’t know how i’m supposed to do this 9/15/06

it just hurts. it hurts so bad emotionally, that i feel pain physically.
we were standing in the kitchen last night and i caught myself just staring at the wedding band on his hand. i started thinking about the way his hands felt when they would touch me, i started thinking about all the times we had been intimate, i started thinking about making love….conceiving children, him being in the room when i gave birth and i turned a walked out of the room, went straight upstairs, threw myself on the bed and cried for 20 minutes. then i said to myself, “ok, you’ve had your moment…now get up and move on.” so i did, i went and got my shoes on and went to the store to pick up my prescription for my anti-depressant. it’s so cliche’, i know…but really i need some pharmaceutical help right now.
there was another moment earlier in the day i got excited when i was shopping for groceries with the kids. i saw a box of boo berry cereal. i went to grab it and then my eyes welled up with tears. it was a force of habit. see…this is his favorite kiddie cereal, but for some reason we can only find it around here near halloween. whenever i see it, i buy it for him. i put it back, hoping the kids wouldn’t see it. and they did and they wanted it. and then i had this debate with myself over whether i should get it for the kids, cause i wouldn’t want there to be any chance to think i might have bought for him. “this is stupid” i said to myself. and i picked up a box and threw it in the cart.
i can’t help but wonder how many moments there will be and how long they will keep coming. i wonder if they will ever stop. in reality, it’s quite possible that even 10-20 years from now, even after all the sadness and bitterness is gone, that i’ll be in some random place and see or hear or smell some random thing that will remind me of him.
i think this must be easier on people who have affairs, because they can move right into the next thing, the next relationship, without so much wallowing in the emotions of the break-up. that seems like a luxury compared to this right now.

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i dont know why anything he does is surprising to me anymore. you think by now his unlimited selfishness and ignorance wouldn’t even bother me. but it does. and it still hurts…tremendously.
he called me from work today to tell me that he had heard that his boss had been asking around about him. he wanted to check in on me and the kids. it was a normal conversation. at the end of the convo, he said…”i’ll see ya later“. which indicated to me that he must be intending to be home at the house tonight. i called him back to clarify this point. he acted lost and offended that i would suggest that he wouldn’t be here. i thought that was little odd. but really i didn’t want myself or the kids to expect him if he had made other plans. plus, we like certain things for dinner that the kids don’t so i wanted to get a game plan for a meal. then he calls me back later to tell me he’s running late he’s had a bad day and he still has to finish up fixing the intercom system and then he has to meet with his boss, because she didn’t meet with him earlier today as they usually do for their friday meeting. “once i finish this shit up i’ll be on my way home“. i figured since he had a bad day, i’d pitch my first dinner notion and make something he’d enjoy, especially since the kids had decided they wanted to have a breakfast dinner (pancakes and bacon). so i made navy beans and corn bread for him.
and then……………………………….he was a no show.
i called him around 8:30 i guess and got no answer so i just went about getting the kids ready for bed and trying to figure out if i should worry or just write it off as him being…. well…himself. come 9:30 though the kids are all in my room asking why daddy isn’t home and where he is. “what if he’s drinking beer and drives home drunk?” asks my oldest. “can you call him?” so i call, he answers, he talks to the kids, tells them he’s on his way, i can tell by his slurred speech that he’s messed up. when i get back on the phone and ask him where he’s been, well duh…he’s been at the bar. i just flat out asked him why he would go out of his way to call me and tell me he’d be home to not show up. i mean, did he do it on purpose, to purposely hurt me? “no” he says, “i had made plans to stay at j’s because you didn’t seem interested.” so now it’s MY FAULT again??? wtf? so i ask him, “are you accountable for anything you do, or is it always someone elses fault?”
when he got home, he reeked of alcohol. of course the kids were excited to see him and i just wanted to bawl my eyes out that they would see and smell him like this. i got to be the bad guy and just kept telling them to get back to bed. then i had to ask him repeatedly to just leave them alone and go sleep it off, that they didn’t need to see him like this. he looks at my 3 YEAR OLD daughter and says, “mommy, says i have to go.” nice. then he goes in our room and grabs a change of clothes as if he’s going to leave and i tell him that he shouldn’t have drove home like this and im not gonna let him get behind the wheel again. i practically had to race him down the stairs to grab his keys before he could. i tell him to please just sleep it off. when i come back up my oldest son says “i smell him too, he stinks.” (sigh) then i have the obscene pleasure of overhearing him on the phone with somebody talking about how i took his keys and won’t let him leave but i let him drive to work everyday??? wtf? it’s so ridiculous. i lost it and started saying “make sure you tell whoever you’re talking to that your wasted and that’s why i took your keys.” then i just pulled them out of my pocket and said “you know what…screw it, go ahead and leave.” however, when i went to toss the keys to him, they hit him in the face. he played this up. “dude she just hit me in the face with the fuckin keys.” then he hands me the phone to talk to his friend who was just like wtf is going on with you guys, you need to get you guys need to get your shit together. i went into explaining his behavior lately and how i’d gone out my way to make him dinner and he’s never happy or satisfied because then he wouldn’t have an excuse to be an obnoxious drunk and might be held accountable. i told him he didn’t need anybody else telling him what he wanted to hear, and that if he were a real friend he’d tell him the truth, to which he replied that he understood that and that he just told him before he handed me the phone that he shouldn’t be acting this way. exactly. why am i even on the phone?
when i went to give him the phone, he acted out this big flinch all dramatically, like i was going to hit him. then he said, “wanna throw anything else at me?”  i told him i was sorry and that i didn’t mean to hit him in the face when i gave him his keys. i told him i had just tossed them to him and it was an accident. i guess when he got back on the phone with his buddy, he started telling him that i had made him dinner and so he turned to me and said, what the hell did you make for dinner and if you had told me that i would’ve brought my ass home, usually all i get is the cold shoulder. (eyeroll) i told him this wasn’t true.  i only block him out when i have too, like after him drinking or after him saying horrible things to me. “horrible things?” yes. to which he replies..”i’m not like that.” are you fucking kidding me?

i just came upstairs and sobbed. after about 20 mins of thinking and feeling sorry for myself. i made myself get up again. i went into the bathroom and saw he had gotten piss on the floor. the floor i just mopped and disinfected today. this is a grown man we’re talking about. not a child. i cried again. and after another 10 mins, i forced myself up and went to the basement and got a suitcase. i packed up all his clothes, underwear, toothbrush, shaving crap…all of it. and then i took his shit downstairs with his work boots, threw it in front of him and went back to my room and locked the door.
now i sit here crying and typing.
tonight really made me believe that i’m doing the right thing. whatever hope i was holding onto that he might have a change of heart and start to try to put this marriage and family back together, are gone now. instead, now i have even bigger concerns about the path ahead and the safety of my children. i DONT want my kids to be around him like that and i don’t want to traumatize by my children by keeping them away from him, but if things keep taking this course what choice will i have but to seek some kind of protective guarantee through the legal system. he certainly doesn’t seem to care what i think or say or even what the kids think or say or how this will effect them in the present….or the long run.

enough 9/13/06

i had a follow-up appointment with my doctor today from the er visit. she’s an amazing lady. she’s seen me through some hard times and she promised me she’d see me through this one as well. she pretty much told me that the situation at home had to be resolved one way or another…with or without him, but that i couldn’t continue on like this as it is now seriously affecting my health. she told me she is going to call him and tell him that she told me to leave strictly for medical reasons, not even pertaining to an emotional level.
i tried to call him and talk to him about the whole thing and he just got all defensive and self-righteous…telling me that i was trying to blame everything on him and was putting on a show for everyone. i was actually standing in the praking lot, purposely away from everyone and everything, the kids….my mom. this was between us. i told him that and then as i continued to try and talk to him about my feelings about our relationship and how much strain it is putting on me, he laughed at me and mocked me. it only further made me realize how far gone he is. i don’t even want to talk to him anymore cause he turns everything into a blame game scenario. yes certainly there needs to be some accountability on his part, but i’m not trying to make him a bad guy. hell, he’s does a fine job without any help from me. i really don’t care what anybody else thinks or want anybody else telling me i should or shouldn’t do, cause this shit is confusing enough as it is. i’m just tired of listening to him. sick of it. after about 5 mins of listening to him go on and on, i made up my mind not to cry and told him that i couldn’t do it anymore. i said it before and i was saying it again…i wanted to separate and that we needed to sit down tonight and discuss somethings. i’m thinking there are surely things we need to discuss about the kids. he starts talking about money and how he’s not gonna pay for me to live comfortably while he has to go bum around at someone else’s house with no money.
i’ve just had enough – ENOUGH! i’m over the denial part of all of it and i know i’ve got a rough road ahead, but no matter what he says…i know the truth and i know i deserve better. not because i’m a snotty, frigid bitch…but because i give out better then what i receive and at a minimum i should expect to be treated the way i treat others.

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we had the talk. actually, there wasn’t much talk about us, he didn’t even put up a fight where i was concerned. in fact, he started off talking pretty nasty to me. i tried telling him i didn’t want to fight and that this wasn’t even what i wanted, but that i had tried and that i had arrived at a point where my thinking was that i had tried long enough on my own without any help from him and now it was his turn, but really i didn’t think he cared to try and i just know i couldn’t continue to put up all the effort.  he snorted and asked how i had tried, asked me what i had done in this marriage that was so special? my jaw dropped. are you kidding me? shit- i don’t know, maybe like adopting your son and taking on the responsibility of a child for the rest of my life, standing by your side while you continually did things to jeopardize are family. but, i didn’t say that…cause really if after 8 years of being together, if  he can honestly say that to me after SEEING what i’ve done, nothing i would SAY was gonna make any difference. so, i just barked right back and was just as nasty and snotty until he did what i knew he would do. he reverted to his self-righteous, let’s be civil, and focus on the kids stuff. i’m being childish and he’s perfect act.  and that was fine. i’m really beyond caring what he thinks right now. so mostly it was about the kids and what kind of visitation we could work out that was fair to them and us. for the time being….the kids will stay put and he and i will rotate in and out of the house.  he will spend tues/thurs and every other weekend here with them and i will go stay at my folks and he will stay with his mom, brother…etc, etc. we agreed to keep the finances as is, for now…and when i get a job, he will get his own place.

i really would feel a lot better about the situation if i had my own income. actually, i’d feel a lot better if i found a job making just as much as he did, but realistically…i just want a job. so i’ll pray.

god, i can’t believe that this is happening. i didn’t ever want things to end up like this between us. i love him. i want to share my life with him. I WANT MY HUSBAND. I WANT THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN. i don’t want my kids to have to go through a divorce. i don’t want us to go through a divorce. i don’t want to bitter and hate him.

i’m off to cry myself to sleep.