Knowing when to quit may be my greatest victory.
I’m always trying to do and say the right things, yet somehow constantly coming up short in others eyes. I know, logically, that I can not make everyone happy, even with the best intentions. Yet, whenever I deem somebody to be upset about things (that have absolutely no bearing on me) I try time and time again to “fix” it.
I must learn the subtle art of not giving a fuck. Literally, I could care less. It appears to work out better for those who care less. Well … the others appear alive and fulfilled, but they are the walking dead. They’ve gone numb for self-preservation’s sake. They can’t see or hear you.
This means all the sugar I was spoon fed through my church upbringing is what now makes me sick. Being told to do unto others as you would do unto yourself (or is it: as you would have others do to you?) in principle, is lovely. Out here in the hard knock life, the reality is quite the opposite though. Everybody is looking for real and nobody is bringing real to the table. The most socially acceptable and fashionable means of intimacy is sexual, but sex does not equal love; and it does not quench our soul’s deep thirst for connection.
We’re left with sadness, feeling incomplete. Those feelings are valid;
And also, I am done with them.
My heart is heavy.
I miss Jedi.
(I don’t know if that name is even suitable anymore.)
It hurts so much; and for what?
His disrespect was clear.
I need to operate with that in mind.
Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,
I humbly submit the following as my dissertation on facebook:
Many, many moons ago, in the age of MySpace, we were able to arrange and re-arrange “The Elite 8”. I bump up or down this lineup was watched and commentated on throughout pop culture. It was a “thing”. As we moved from High School MySpace to the thing all the college kids were doing on the facebook campus. We start friending everyone when we first got there as freshmen. We friended people we met through a friend of a friend at the bar even as sophomores. We started to realize that the more “friends” we added, the more platforms and pedestals we provided. It wasn’t until we were upper class-man that we started to add our family. In giving everyone a platform, we got to see the deepest and also, unfortunately, the darkest parts of their hearts. It hasn’t always been pretty, but the grotesque should not make us look away. We must brave on and look at the carnage the generations before us left behind. Never before had it been put on such vast display, not only for everyone to see, but to others to comment. This gave us the deepest look into the mind of human kind and, man …spoiler alert:… WE’RE FUCKED UP! BUT, the most brutiful part is that in friending our family members, we found our tribe. The people who communicate love in our language. Our tribe can consist of whoever the hell we want. We can still be family, without being friends and we can be friends who become family. That’s our tribe and we get to connect to it, wherever in the world we may be, whenever our tribe is needed.
Thank you, for the wake up call, Mr. Zuckerberg. From this point forward, l shall be using facebook for this purpose alone. #dailywakeupcallfromsteph
I hereby request to be permitted to graduate and henceforth be known as:
Dr. Stephanie Quinzel
IT IS SO ORDERED.
Mark M. Zuckerberg, Fouder, facebook
When my daughter goes to bed and the house falls silent, my passion quickly becomes replaced with reality and my thoughts begin racing.
“Evade, avoid, and repeat” is my motto. After 2 a.m., it becomes more of an anthem.
It works, too.
Tonight, for example, I didn’t notice that my open letter to my friends and my family wasn’t read or liked on even one of six social networks. At least, not by any of my family members.
I didn’t notice that out of 338 Facebook friends, only a handful read my letter or liked it.
In fact, It almost slipped right by me that out of my last 20 posts, only three family members interacted and the exact same 25 people. But I didn’t notice at all.
It’s just Facebook.
Just like I didn’t notice when child abuse, domestic abuse and violence, started trending and not many shared my message then, either. Some wrote to tell…
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I didn’t make any concrete resolutions for this year, but I had some pretty resolved ideas of things I wanted, no needed, to do this year.
For example: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. One of the things I resolved to do this year was not so much to lose weight but to transform my life – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually… This is a multi-faceted thing. I want to get my life back. I don’t mean that I’ve been unhappy – I have been more happy in the last 3 years, even in the midst of great suffering, than I can ever recall, but like a lot of mothers I’ve spent the last few years a little lost in my kids. I don’t regret that in anyway. They needed me. We needed each other. We went through a divorce and remarriage, reestablishing ourselves and we’ve finally gotten to this good place where we are ok with our lot in life and all that involves from that past or that might carry over from the past. Right now is a time when I actually have the ability to take more time for me and I need to.
Physically, one of the ways that I am attempting to keep this on track is that I’ve joined a medically based fitness center. With some of my health issues and because my physical therapy has been run out of the same building it made a lot of common sense to be able to have child care on site with a membership and continue my workouts as well. One great thing about this is that as a member they start you out with an assessment and an exercise prescription. They redo the prescription every couple months so you don’t get bored and the assessment is done every six months to check your progress and set new goals and keep you on track. I think that’s awesome. I’m actually kinda excited about July and finding out where I am. I am also happy to report that I made the Consistency Club last month and got the added bonus of losing 8lbs. And in another small, but HUGE feat for me, I have stopped biting my nails. I heard that it takes 21 days to pick up or break a habit so – I’ve broken a bad one and picked up a good one. Go me!
Spiritually, I’ve decided that I need to get back to church more. I’m not big on organized religion per se but I am not so dumb as to believe that I can completely neglect my spirit and feel honkey dorey. I’ve seen so many people who have it all and feel empty and go: “Why aren’t I happy?” Hey – it’s called your soul – you’re neglecting it! Now, I’m not saying that there are not other things that people can do that fuels their soul, it just so happens that for me, going to church – for the most part, helps me reconnect spiritually and shed the negative stuff. It gets me back to a true place of knowing that come what may – it will work as out as it should and I will find my way.
Emotionally and Mentally, the plan was to get back to blogging because lets face it in order to keep one’s sanity you have to keep your sanity and blogging is a heck of a lot cheaper than seeing a therapist. So – this is a start to keeping that promise to myself. I’m a little behind and I could make a bunch of excuses, but the truth is that its important and I need to make the time and so I will.
It appears I’m off and running and have finally put these plans to paper. I always hate sharing these kinds of things because of the accountability factor but – the last resolution deals with living with more integrity. I don’t think this is something that I required large amounts of work on, but something I think we could all strive to improve and on that note: I have put it out there and am making myself accountable.
Time will tell.
Well folks, Stephanie has decided that it’s time to write again.
I’ve tried other options, other sites, private, public, friends only, etc, etc… and I just decided that for whatever reason blogging inspires me and that I have terribly missed having this little space to say whatever it is that I want to say and that there wasn’t a good enough reason to stay gone.
So here I am.
Once I finish my 8 page editorial final project…I’ll come back and write something with substance.