Love Changes People

Uncommon Graces

When my daughter goes to bed and the house falls silent, my passion quickly becomes replaced with reality and my thoughts begin racing.

“Evade, avoid, and repeat” is my motto. After 2 a.m., it becomes more of an anthem.

It works, too.

Tonight, for example, I didn’t notice that my open letter to my friends and my family wasn’t read or liked on even one of six social networks. At least, not by any of my family members.

I didn’t notice that out of 338 Facebook friends, only a handful read my letter or liked it.

In fact, It almost slipped right by me that out of my last 20 posts, only three family members interacted and the exact same 25 people. But I didn’t notice at all.

It’s just Facebook.

Just like I didn’t notice when child abuse, domestic abuse and violence, started trending and not many shared my message then, either. Some wrote to tell…

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New Years Resolutions

I didn’t make any concrete resolutions for this year, but I had some pretty resolved ideas of things I wanted, no needed, to do this year.

For example: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. One of the things I resolved to do this year was not so much to lose weight but to transform my life – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually… This is a multi-faceted thing. I want to get my life back. I don’t mean that I’ve been unhappy – I have been more happy in the last 3 years, even in the midst of great suffering, than I can ever recall, but like a lot of mothers I’ve spent the last few years a little lost in my kids. I don’t regret that in anyway. They needed me. We needed each other. We went through a divorce and remarriage, reestablishing ourselves and we’ve finally gotten to this good place where we are ok with our lot in life and all that involves from that past or that might carry over from the past. Right now is a time when I actually have the ability to take more time for me and I need to.

Physically, one of the ways that I am attempting to keep this on track is that I’ve joined a medically based fitness center. With some of my health issues and because my physical therapy has been run out of the same building it made a lot of common sense to be able to have child care on site with a membership and continue my workouts as well. One great thing about this is that as a member they start you out with an assessment and an exercise prescription. They redo the prescription every couple months so you don’t get bored and the assessment is done every six months to check your progress and set new goals and keep you on track. I think that’s awesome. I’m actually kinda excited about July and finding out where I am. I am also happy to report that I made the Consistency Club last month and got the added bonus of losing 8lbs. And in another small, but HUGE feat for me, I have stopped biting my nails. I heard that it takes 21 days to pick up or break a habit so – I’ve broken a bad one and picked up a good one. Go me!

Spiritually, I’ve decided that I need to get back to church more. I’m not big on organized religion per se but I am not so dumb as to believe that I can completely neglect my spirit and feel honkey dorey. I’ve seen so many people who have it all and feel empty and go: “Why aren’t I happy?” Hey – it’s called your soul – you’re neglecting it! Now, I’m not saying that there are not other things that people can do that fuels their soul, it just so happens that for me, going to church – for the most part, helps me reconnect spiritually and shed the negative stuff. It gets me back to a true place of knowing that come what may – it will work as out as it should and I will find my way.

Emotionally and Mentally, the plan was to get back to blogging because lets face it in order to keep one’s sanity you have to keep your sanity and blogging is a heck of a lot cheaper than seeing a therapist. So – this is a start to keeping that promise to myself. I’m a little behind and I could make a bunch of excuses, but the truth is that its important and I need to make the time and so I will.

It appears I’m off and running and have finally put these plans to paper. I always hate sharing these kinds of things because of the accountability factor but – the last resolution deals with living with more integrity. I don’t think this is something that I required large amounts of work on, but something I think we could all strive to improve and on that note: I have put it out there and am making myself accountable.

Time will tell.

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccckkkkk.

Well folks, Stephanie has decided that it’s time to write again.

I’ve tried other options, other sites, private, public, friends only, etc, etc… and I just decided that for whatever reason blogging inspires me and that I have terribly missed having this little space to say whatever it is that I want to say and that there wasn’t a good enough reason to stay gone.

So here I am.

Once I finish my 8 page editorial final project…I’ll come back and write something with substance.

Tomorrow’s the big day.

First day at the new job.

I took the kids to daycare today for a couple hours to get them used to it. Diva actually cried when I PICKED HER UP because she wanted to stay and play. So, I think they will adjust well.

Me?

Well… the whole thing is a little bittersweet. I feel a little jaded because I feel forced to do this (take a job, put my kids in daycare) when it wasn’t “the plan”. I wasn’t really ready to do this. I wanted to keep things the same, at least through the summer so that they didn’t have anymore big adjustments to make. The divorce has been hard on them. Their father’s tactics has made is harder recently. I had really wanted to finish school and send Diva off to school beforehand, but the day has arrived. There are definitely positives though. I think it will be good for the kids social skills, especially Pickle. I think I’m at the point where I need to branch out and plant my feet in the legal spectrum, and the experience I’ll get with this firm will no doubt be excellent.

So, depsite feeling like my hand was forced, I think I’m making the best of it.

Plus, my Mom bought me some new cute, businessy stuff to wear.

I’m a girl, I love new clothes.

Big, HUGE Change

I’m finishing up final papers and exam for school, but I had to blog about the big change.

I didn’t want to say anything to jinx it, but I had a HUGE interview this morning in Cleveland with a major, national law firm. Big, HUGE deal. I was offered the position on the spot and I accepted.

I start on June 1st.

This is HUGE!

I’m Moving On

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

~

I spent a great deal of time yesterday putting things in place to move forward. Things were put away, thrown away, moved out of sight and out of mind, and even burned. That’s right – burned. Hey, I cannot tell you the healing power of putting items from your past up in flames. It’s over. It’s done and I’m moving on.

Just before I went to bed, I went into each of the kids’ rooms and kissed them good night. I laid in bed for a couple minutes and prayed. I just gave it all over to God and let go. When Jer came to bed, I heard Pickle call him into his room and ask for a favor, which Jer lovingly did. I cannot tell you what it does to me to see how good this man is, not only to me, but also to my children. I just listened and thought about what a legacy of love we have created, that we BOTH treat Pickle as our own without any hesitation. It hit me that even though I’ve been put through the fire and horrible heartache, I finally have all the things that I’ve wanted.

I am blessed and I am so grateful.

Because the kids are finally in a safe and in a healthy enviroment. I am safe, physically and emotionally. I am appreciated. I am respected. I am loved unconditionally, just as I am.

I’m standing my ground and my head is high. And ya know what?  I’m PROUD of myself. Truly, I am.

Whatever happened – it was worth it to end up here.

I just had the greatest sense of peace come over me and I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years.

The good, the bad and the ugly. 3/26/07

The GOOD:

I am gonna be the proud new momma to a …

 2007 Chevy Equinox. Part of the divorce process. Removing names on cars. I’ll be very happy…until I have to make that first payment anyways.

The BAD:

Well, it’s not bad, but it’s making life a little crazy with work and school, the kids are on Spring Break this week and it’s supposed to rain all week starting tomorrow. So, hello spring, good-bye sanity. lol

The UGLY:

I started having excruciating pain last night in my abdomen. Got so bad, I couldn’t sleep from 4:30 this morning on. I took myself into see the doctor and found out I not only have a urinary tract infection, but a bladder infection and I’m working on a kidney infection. It’s lovely, really.

Things I don’t understand 3/24/07

I can’t sleep because things keep running through my head. Things I can’t shut off. Things I can’t understand.

EXAMPLE:

1. How could he tell me for years that I tried to control him and change who he was and then he’s willing to stay with someone who tries to dictate the kind of relationship he is ALLOWED to have with his children and their mother? All I ever wanted was for him to be a father to them and a husband to me. The best that he could be, the best that I saw in him.

2. Why is he willing to turn his phone off to work things out with a woman he hardly knows, when he wouldn’t put his phone aside for a woman who gave all for him? Why wouldn’t he turn it off to make time to save his marriage or to save his family?

3. Why will he make excuses for her and the things she says and does to him all because she’s insecure and jealous when he could never give me the benefit of the doubt? I was insecure about what might happen if he drank – she’s insecure about what might happen if he talks to me. (This is why you shouldn’t have an affair in my opinion. Well, one reason.) She’s jealous of the time and attention he pays to me – I was jealous of the time and attention he gave everything but me.

What’s the difference? Really?

It just seems this effort and this concern would have been better spent on his family.

He doesn’t like women with short hair – she has short hair.

He doesn’t like women who smoke – she smokes.

He doesn’t like women who don’t cook – she doesn’t cook.

He has always hated cats, we could never have one, he was allergic – she has a cat and he takes an allergy pill.

He said he wanted to have a place big enough for the kids to have their own space when he left – they share their time with their Dad and their space with her three children.

He always said he wanted to live close to family – now he’s moved 40 mins away to move in with her.

He always resented being responsible for me and the kids – yet now he’s responsible for her and her kids.

 

Maybe it shouldn’t matter to me and maybe it shouldn’t hurt … but it does. It hurts badly.

It just doesn’t make sense at all.

I just don’t get it.

Strange Days

I’m in a very strange place right now.

There is this new life that I am developing that is full of life and happiness and laughter. I’m thankful. I feel settled. I feel blessed. I feel accomplished. I feel loved. I feel adored. I feel appreciated. I feel fulfilled. I’m just happy.

And then there is this other … life, my old life, or circumstances that have carried over from my past life, that creep to the surface sometimes. That realization that you were nothing more than someone to blame in the eyes of a man you gave all for.  And that’s all you’ll ever be. It’s the role I’ve been given and I can’t get away from. It casts its shadow over everything, makes everything seem futile and generic. It’s nothing but a disappointment.

BIG CONSTRAST.

It’s very strange.