As Rafiki said: It Is Time

Sometimes, maybe destiny just slaps you right in the face.

I’ve been up all night with painsomnia and stomach junk. I was feeling depleted enough at sunrise to doze off. Then my alarm woke me up (1hr and 23mins of sleep according to my FitBit. This little electronic, sin against fashion that I wear in a rose gold color upon my wrist.) I awake to not being able to see out of my right eye. This is a fun, new-ish symptom from pseudo tumor cerebri. That’s right, folks. It is literally, all in my head. My body and brain believe that there is a tumor in my body (my cerebral area; see also spinal cord) that isn’t there. This means that I have all the symptoms of a brain or spinal cord tumor however, I do not. It is as much fun as it sounds to be. To be clear that would be none for anyone who might have missed it. And also; excruciating abdominal pain that left me in the fetal position. Clearly, an awesome way to start the day.

Luckily, my trusty productively distracting iPhone was within reach and I was able to silence the alarm and also message Ms. Teenager Diva to get up for school to no avail. I call out for Tessa to go audibly, or physically, wake her up. I text my Momma and ask if she can transport today. Normally, Tessa would be the one I would ask for this, but yesterday her truck broke down in process and it was a WHOLE thing. Momma stepped in this morning.

Continuing the juggle flow I have going, I dial my psychiatrist, Dr. Loris, to painstakingly explain the current predicament which will require me to cancel, last minute, an appointment I requested ASAP less than a week ago. Frankly everything I just said is self-explanatory. There are way too many things being juggled and I cannot keep up. If my medical history has taught me anything it is: the one thing I can consistently expect is that my physical body will break down under tremendous mental stress. I obviously am a glutton for punishment because I decided to soothe my soul by self-talking shit to myself.

Loser. Burden. Shameful. Worthless.

Again, the smartphone saves me. I open the Instagram application to access a folder of saved affirmations. Before I can even get to it, one of my favorite authors has sent this brief message out to our souls:

There it was again. Another tickle in my brain making my hair stand on end. It rings the bell of one of my first and purest passions: writing. The signs point and illuminate this path again; and I cannot resist the luster.

I shall start with editing current website content. After that I will finish the drafts I have. There may be an influx of notifications, all apologies; and also it is time.

Onward.

Equanimity

Equanimity means looking at things objectively like a scientist should, rather than emotionally. We know that scientists should be objective about their work, because if they are emotional, then they are likely to see things which are not there and miss things that are there. If a scientist badly wants a specific result (to be right; self-fulfilling prophecy), he or she is much more likely to make such mistakes. We do the same thing when we badly want something.

EXAMPLE: A woman who has been in and out of a number of relationships and each one of her partners was supposed to be the answer to her dreams. This woman is addicted to falling in love and imagines she will be truly happy with the next man she meets. She will fall wild in love again. She is so desperate to have her dream fulfilled that she does not really see her partners for what they are, only for the ways in which they meet her dream. She is shocked when she is forced to realize each time that her partners were not what she had thought they were. Eventually, the woman stops to investigate what “the dream”is all about. She wants love, but has not been skilled at recognizing it. Learning equanimity will be a big part of her being able to see potential partners in both their good and bad aspects. She becomes less and less desperate for a relationship; to prove she is ok. She begins to choose her partners with more wisdom.

When we find ourselves feeling angry, or needy, or desperately wanting something, or depressed, or jealous, or whatever, then equanimity is the way to step aside from these emotions.

That is what equanimity does: It looks at the pain without exaggerating its effects and consequences. It takes a balanced view

— chönyi taylor, ENOUGH!

Maslow’s Hierarchy

Maslow believed that to understand the highest level of need, the person must not only achieve the previous needs, but master them. A person’s motivation to reach his or her full potential. As shown in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a person’s basic needs must be met before self-actualization can be achieved.

So, where am I?

I’m struggling with my basic physiology. I’m literally struggling to breathe and even just rest. It makes me feel the weight of Maslow’s pyramid as if it’s stacked up weight was upon my chest. If I am to start at the bottom and work my way up, I need to strap on my gear first. Hell, I should probably just start at taking stock of what is actually going on.

To-Do:

  • Complete medical tests
  • Food log
  • Water log
  • Activity log
  • Sleep log
  • Mindfulness, emotional
  • Track spending, financial

I’m going to close out this blog and get started. I’m going to spend the next 10-20 minutes, downloading apps that will help specifically address the above needs. It’s actually a resource in the palm of my hands EVERYDAY that I am not realizing the potential of. I need to work smarter AND harder. I’m also going to commit to making daily contact with at least one person who can inspire and/or mentor me in continuing the climb because I know I will lose my footing and need this team to spot me up.

A talk with my son

We went to renew the registration I hold for the car Papa passed down to Jedi.

We waited in line and waited only to realize we needed an emission check. Small annoyance. Several traffic violations in 30 seconds that made me want to smack him upside the head. Sensing my alarm, he says, in what I can only assume was an attempt to comfort me, “I don’t drive like this when you’re not in the car, Mom”.

My response? I thanked him for saving this special demonstration for me. We laughed. We sang alongside one another to Queen. We set a tentative date up for our next family flick: Bohemian Rhapsody. Also, I have a ‘promise to participate’ in a family vacation karoke performance by the same name as we drove to the emission test center.

I decided that I wanted him to try to use the self serve station. This involved me trying very hard to stay restrained by safety belt and not get out and do it myself. I sat with the discomfort and watched. Ok, I also laughed a lot. It was just so cool to be able to watch him dare greatly to be awkward and uncomfortable and laugh at himself in an effort to learn. It was great to see him finding new working parts to his car and connect the dots at how they played into the greater machine.

When kids are little we all have a tendency to overlook those teaching moments. Day to day it seems like nothing changes, but then you’re driven to an emission test, watching a young man learning and it’s mesmerizing how how everything has changed. My little boy is still in there. I see him in the wonder in his eyes.

We started discussing passport services back in line at the BMV. He’s hoping to take a trip to Hong Kong before enlisting in the military. This led into a brilliant idea and discussion about putting him in contact with every personal friend I know who has served because I feel like I can fully accept and support his decision to serve so long as it is a well informed decision. Im an Army brat. My Dad served 20 years. It’s a lifestyle of many sacrifices for the entire family. I’m very honored to know someone in every branch of service. I hope it is of benefit.

When we left the BMV, he brought up the topic of PTSD in the military. I was thankful for this door being opened. I listened to his thoughts. I was disheartened to hear that he thinks upcoming generations will be more desensitized and this will benefit the military. However, I also understand from working in service to others. Tears welled up in my eyes and words began to fail me. I didn’t know what the right thing to say was, but I wanted and felt a great need to say something.

He has decided to enlist after graduation next year and I want him to make the most informed decision. Not recruitment crap. Momma didn’t raise no sheeple. It’s a fine line to walk when has talked about serving since he was little and I know he wants “it” and I have so much

I went with my heart.

I said, ” Son, I hope with every fiber of my being that future generations won’t be more desensitized, but perhaps, will begin to feel like it’s ok to not be ok. The idea that it is more badass to bear/bare vulnerability than be ‘the strong, silent type’. I also feel like more parents have awareness about the need to provide our children with the proper tools to process their emotions. It’s evolutionary to be wiser than past generations, right?”

I hope.

I really do hope for him … and all of us really.

A higher calling

I’m not trying to catch feelings, I’m trying to build an empire.

That’s real talk.

I’m done with this low level, surface bullshit.

Yes, I’ve been broken, but it’s only taught me my capacity to love and I’ve grown and continue growing.

I’m learning to trust myself and others in ways that have been uncomfortable, but SO worth daring greatly.

I’m ready.

Wake Up, America

In the coal mines of our country there must be detectors of changes of atmosphere toxicity. Historically, these detectors were canaries. The canaries would cry out to warn the miners so they would escape. 

America, I’m a canary and this is my warning cry: Plan your escape from the matrix. Turn off the screens. WALK to a library. Make a comment to one person. Tell another person something you like about them just because. Research your biggest fear by finding a physical book that helps you find a different perspective of your fear. Discuss what you read with one other person, but the person must be of a different gender, religion and/or race. Sing your favorote song. Go volunteer. Get out of your comfort zones. In this age of information, you do not get the luxury of ignorance or complacency. You owe it to societial evolution to be proactive so that your children, and even great grandchildren, can benefit from the things you teach yourself in the next five years. Do not believe what you’re told – any of it , even from me, until you find out for yourself. The next five years matter greatly to our democracy’s legacy. It’s time to wake up. 

**tweet, tweet**