Fucking Furious

This post is brought to you by voice to text. It will not be edited. Hell, it may not even be read again. All I can tell you is that I’m infuriated. I am sick to death of people who take no accountability for their lives and circumstances and play the victim. Especially when there are actual victims they have hurt and left in their wake. 

I have officially moved on in my grief cycle and am done with denial and sadness. 

I’m fucking furious. 

Putting on the strong face

Honestly, how long can I keep this up?

This silence …. when everything inside me is SCREAMING.

That sounds like forced dramatics, but the truth is that it is very much….the truth.

If there was someway to convey what I’m feeling other than

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I could find the words……no….maybe it is that there are no words? Or maybe its that sometimes in life there are too many words and you just don’t know where to begin.

I’m fucking angry and I’m trying to pretend that I accept this exsistence as my cosmic destiny…everything happens for a reason and all that gooey horseshit…..but let’s be honest: Isn’t that what good people tell them selves when they are stuck cleaning up the messes of egostitical, horrible, low-life, waste of sperm and egg entities and their fucked up sense of entitlement who do whatever they want with no regard for….well, ANYTHING?

You know what I need? I need one of those people who will sit and listen to me talk for hours on end and put all of it into nicely formatted, gramatically correct chapters.

Universe, I believe at some point you have to balance.

Get on with it. ….

You wouldn’t like me angry.

Stephanie, has decided that it’s time to take the gloves off.

Somehow it has finally sunk into my head that no matter what I do, it doesn’t matter and I’m a bitch. So… as of today, I gave my attorney the go ahead to rake my El Chupa’s ass across the coals. I filed for an extension and modification of my restraining order IMMEDIATELY and 4 charges of contempt:

1- for not paying my attorney his fees from the divorce

2- for not getting medical insurance on the kids

3- for not paying 1/2 of the child care costs

4- for not paying the Jeep payment.

If he isn’t going to handle his business, I’ll handle it for him. I’m done playing these games and worrying myself sick.  I’m done being a victim.

Fuck gloves!

I’m going for full on bitch slap with a wet back hand to his fake ass.

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.

A lot has changed for me over the last few months. It’s been difficult and extremely painful, but….worth it. What I mean is, that while taking inventory of yourself and your life and being accountable for things is painful at times, it leads to this beautiful breakthrough to understanding yourself.

For me the hardest thing to understand was how people had gotten this fucked up perception of me that seemed so far off of who I felt I was. I felt like a victim. I felt constantly misunderstood. I would wonder how people got this idea, where it was coming from. How did people look at me and see a bitch when inside I knew there was this genuine girl with a heart full of concern and care? How did people actually think that I treated my husband badly when I loved him more than words could say?

But the truth is that none of that was coming through, because I was angry.  People always thought I was mad, because well, I was.  I had become bitter and my bitterness clouded everything else. On top of that, because I had been too prideful to be honest with others, it wasn’t seen as bitterness, it was seen as a definitive part of who I was. I’ll own that. Had I been more honest, had I not have been so concerned with not looking like a fool, I might not have become so bitter….I might not have had to suffer alone.

There isn’t much I can do about any of this now. Surely, this has shaped things to this point, but I do have a choice to not let it shape things into the future.

You know that old saying….”don’t judge a book by it’s cover“? There is truth to that. The thing I can take away from this, is that I now hear a lot more of what’s not being said.  I am overly aware of the “real” behind the “facade”.  And I share this because I want everyone to take a little more time to listen. Really listen to people, without thinking about what you’re going to say next or what they might want you to say. Just listen.

“Really listening and suspending one’s own judgement is necessary in order to truly understand other people in their own terms.”