Out of the blue

I received a bizarre text message from EX today out of the blue asking if there was anyway we could meet for a coffee. He thinks it is time for him to talk to me. I told him I would need to think about it. He said he understood and then explained that he is in a program and he needs to complete a step.

This is the conversation that followed after I logged into Yahoo.  You be the judge.

(ONLY the names have been changed)

EX (2/27/2010 4:28:09 PM): hi
Me (2/27/2010 4:28:31 PM): hi
Me (2/27/2010 4:29:13 PM): So can you explain this to me?

EX (2/27/2010 4:30:17 PM): wanted the oppratunity to appollogize to you in person.

Me  (2/27/2010 4:30:43 PM): apologize?
Me  (2/27/2010 4:31:17 PM): You said you’re in a program and its a step. A step is to apologize to me?
Me  (2/27/2010 4:33:50 PM): hello?
EX (2/27/2010 4:33:59 PM): forgiveness, my behaivor when we was a family and over the past few years. alot of things are clear now and it has been a long time comming. i will tell you about it if we meet.
Me  (2/27/2010 4:34:26 PM): i just dont know if i feel comfortable with that
EX (2/27/2010 4:35:08 PM): and that is ok, i understand.
Me  (2/27/2010 4:35:12 PM): do you have a sponser? can they come with you?
EX (2/27/2010 4:36:24 PM): i will have to call and see.
Me  (2/27/2010 4:37:08 PM): dont you think its better if they do? i thought thats how it works.
EX (2/27/2010 4:37:52 PM): they do what?
Me  (2/27/2010 4:38:15 PM): that your sponser is with you…to help you
EX (2/27/2010 4:39:14 PM): i would like to talk to you in person
EX (2/27/2010 4:40:22 PM): in a public place if you are not ok with it that is why i suggested the baggle shop
Me  (2/27/2010 4:40:46 PM): i know you want to talk in person, but youre not the first person i know who has been in a program. usually a sponser would go with you.
Me  (2/27/2010 4:41:40 PM): its not just being alone with you that makes me uncomfortable its also that we both have our own feelings and sometimes its like trying to tip toe around a mine field
Me  (2/27/2010 4:41:59 PM): it’s easier when there is a mediator
EX (2/27/2010 4:43:03 PM): it will be a nice meeting at a public place, got to go now. just let me know please.
Me  (2/27/2010 4:43:25 PM): i didn’t say no i just asked if your sponser would attend with you
Me  (2/27/2010 4:43:52 PM): this should happen on my terms, not yours
Me  (2/27/2010 4:44:03 PM): and i would feel more comfortable with a third party
Me  (2/27/2010 4:45:32 PM): i would feel more comfortable with someone i know, but i think a sponser remains pretty neutral
Me  (2/27/2010 4:47:45 PM): hello?
Me  (2/27/2010 4:56:23 PM): the bottom line is that your behavior has caused a lot of hurt – A LOT, not just to me, but our children and in you defending or covering up those actions you made it harder for us not only to heal, but you also made it harder for us to have support because you made your family choose a side and by doing that the kids were cost relationships that they had done nothing to lose. this creates more confusion and hurt for them and in turn it caused me more hurt. it only hurts me because i am their mother.
Me  (2/27/2010 4:58:14 PM): i am a long way past what happened between US whether you admit or apologize for it to me personally. the harder thing to deal with is what has happened to the kids and i don’t know if youre ready to accept responsibility for that or even understand that. that’s why i think your sponser should be there. not for me, but for you. because anyone coming to grips with the pain they’ve caused an innocent child is a tall order.
Me  (2/27/2010 4:59:36 PM): its also the only way i can believe that you are taking going through this program seriously.

EX (2/27/2010 5:42:31 PM): not sure what you are talking about and this has been very overwhelming. maybe someother time, thought i would try to have a nice meeting in a public place over coffee obviously that is a problem with you, so maybe someother time, good day,thank you

Me  (2/27/2010 9:47:17 PM): you’re not sure what im talking about?
Me  (2/27/2010 9:48:26 PM): then you’re right – maybe some other time.
Me  (2/27/2010 9:56:19 PM): good luck. i hope you find your way back to yourself. nothing would make the kids happier.

IMs 10/09/2008

cmagohneo (10:09:39 PM): i need to see my kids its been long enough
stephiemneo (10:11:19 PM): I don’t know what your problem is or who you think you are, but there are some lines you don’t cross and some dealbreakers that takes all negotiations off the table….you crossed that line
stephiemneo (10:12:22 PM): Kids instincts are dead on about you, you don’t care, you’re ready to sign them over like a car….
stephiemneo (10:13:42 PM): You’re right though, Jer should adopt them.
cmagohneo (10:14:19 PM): let me see my kids
stephiemneo (10:16:01 PM): You own up, tell it to a judge….I’m done. You want Jer to adopt them, he’s more than willing to.
stephiemneo (10:16:25 PM): I’ll get you the papers you asked for.
cmagohneo (10:16:53 PM): u have the papers its all about money to you
stephiemneo (10:17:12 PM): If it was all about the money, I never would’ve been with you
cmagohneo (10:17:36 PM): 1400 dollars a month
stephiemneo (10:17:49 PM): You just tell yourself whatever makes you feel better, hun. You WANT Jer to adopt him, he will, money isn’t an issue to him…..just the kids.
cmagohneo (10:17:53 PM): this will be printed
cmagohneo (10:18:07 PM): the kids will see u for what u r
stephiemneo (10:18:24 PM): Wow, you’re delusional
stephiemneo (10:18:32 PM): I didn’t say I was giving my kids away over money
stephiemneo (10:18:34 PM): You just did
cmagohneo (10:18:41 PM): no money,yea
cmagohneo (10:18:56 PM): i just want to see them
stephiemneo (10:19:06 PM): Whatever
cmagohneo (10:19:18 PM): i just want to see them
cmagohneo (10:19:29 PM): u r evil
cmagohneo (10:19:37 PM): how do u sleep
stephiemneo (10:19:42 PM): Very well
cmagohneo (10:19:54 PM): so does the devil
cmagohneo (10:20:00 PM): greed
stephiemneo (10:20:02 PM): You would know
cmagohneo (10:20:19 PM): the kids will see
stephiemneo (10:20:27 PM): They already do
cmagohneo (10:20:38 PM): your version
cmagohneo (10:20:46 PM): drama
stephiemneo (10:20:59 PM): That’s like the pot calling the kettle black
cmagohneo (10:21:05 PM): nomoredramamomma
cmagohneo (10:21:17 PM): your black
cmagohneo (10:21:46 PM): u r not black
cmagohneo (10:21:50 PM): sorry
cmagohneo (10:22:01 PM): i just miss my kids
stephiemneo (10:22:11 PM): Geesh, please go away you’re making no sense and I’m busy with class
cmagohneo (10:22:26 PM): and u are keeping them from me but taking my money
stephiemneo (10:22:34 PM): No….
stephiemneo (10:22:39 PM): That’s not true
cmagohneo (10:22:55 PM): i want to see my kids on my way there
stephiemneo (10:23:16 PM): DO NOT COME HERE
cmagohneo (10:23:25 PM): call the cops i want my children
cmagohneo (10:23:36 PM): i want to see my kids
stephiemneo (10:23:48 PM): Go sober up
cmagohneo (10:23:50 PM): its been long enough
cmagohneo (10:24:02 PM): i dont drink
stephiemneo (10:24:05 PM): We don’t need any drama
stephiemneo (10:24:26 PM): Good night

Truth be told

“In the end it is not the words of our enemies we will remember, it is the silence of our friends.”

After spending 8 years of my life loving him, helping him, defending him, covering for him, lying for him and making excuses for him… I am done.

He has betrayed me, stabbed me in the back and thrown me in front of the bus for his own benefit for the last time. I was the only real friend he ever had. He knows it. I know it. And while it hurts badly to face the fact that he will never give me credit for any of that or being the only person in his life who has ever stood up for him and been there for him… I accept it. However – I am not going to tolerate it anymore. The beauty of divorce is I don’t have to.

How soon he forgets about how I left college to be with him when my parents made me choose, because I believed him when he said he wanted to build a life with me and he and his son needed me. Nevermind who supported him in getting custody of Pickle and that I was the one at home with Pickle while Daddy was out getting wasted. That I was the one who gave him money to help him go down to North Carolina to get Pickle back when the egg donor ran off with him only to have him take some skank with him and cheat on me in the process. And why didn’t I run then? Because of Pickle. Who was the one who attened all of his Pickle’s special education meetings, who has been the one to get him all the medical attention he needed?

Nevermind that he asked me to marry him and begged me to have his child so Pickle would “have a good Mommy and the family he deserves” only to turn around and tell everyone in his family that it was an accident and wasn’t planned. Nevermind that he didn’t say a word when his brother and mother accused me of trying to trap him. And hello? For what? Like it was some success to give up college and live with him in a trailer. Wow – good insight. Then for him to get drunk one night and spit in my face and hit me in the stomach and tell me that he didn’t give a fuck what happened to me or Jedi, that all he needed was Pickle and he had him now. Nevermind, that when he asked me a month later to forgive him and told me he had seen the light and that he wanted to build a family with me, I married him while he was unemployed and agreed to leave my job to be a stay-at-home Mom to Pickle and Jedi when he arrived.

Speaking of that – how soon he forgets how I stuck with him through all his job changes, firings and unemployment. One time because he falsified a government contract for a kick back and one time because he was drinking so heavily he couldn’t take his ass to work and got fired when I was 6 months pregnant with Diva. How that stress lead to preterm labor at 6 months and complete bed rest, which I never did, because I could never depend on him.

Oh and let’s not forget how when Pickle confessed the horrible things that had happened to him, I was the one who got him counseling, while Daddy drank and drank and drank to the point of passing out and making Pickle think he was dead – like that’s what he needed, or getting behind the wheel of his truck one night, while it was running in a closed garage and then passing out and me being the one who saved his life. Nevermind that it caused so much stress that I ended up with high blood pressure and toxemia and having to be induced a month early. Nevermind that that’s why our Jedi will suffer from asthma for the rest of his life. And what about me going out for the first time in two years by myself for some stress relief to come home and find him passed out, having left candles burning that were scorching the wall, while our children slept in the next room.

And the kicker? When I would finally have enough that I would go to someone in his family for help, he would lie and say that I was just being dramatic and his family supported him. I get unconditional love – I get that family should support one another, but when a grown man has children that he is putting in harm’s way -it’s time to stop enabling the man, and start standing up for the children. To all of you who washed your hands of me and the kids – I won’t soon forget. I have one word for you: KARMA.

Then, let’s not forget the final straws. El Chupa yelling at me for having him come home from work when my Mom went into A-Fib. SHE ALMOST DIED! and my friend, Crazie, was more compassionate, than my husband. Then, me passing out in a car right in front of him and him admitting to bringing me home and trying to get me up out of the car, and when he couldn’t wake me up, he continued on and drove to Wal-Mart to get speakers for his beloved Jeep and left me unconscious with three kids in the backseat, tonly for me to wake up, have no idea where I was and for him to offer no excuse and no apology. Yes, just one more example of his loving devotion and concern. Finally – The night he was drunk and walked around all night calling me a “stuck up bitch” in front of my children because I was asking him to turn his music down when I was trying to get them to bed for school the next day. When I asked him again to turn it down he came across the room at me and grabbed me by the throat, only to tell his Mom that he had only tried to hug me and had accidentally gotten his arm around my neck. Yeh – nevermind that when I got away from him and he saw how terrified I was that he laughed sadistically and threatened me about not calling the cops. Nevermind, that when I tried to call my Dad, he disconnected the phone and that because of that MY DAD CALLED THE COPS – not me. And after that, I seriously was supposed to not have him arrested? God only knows what would’ve happened.

Now this – him calling me the past three weeks, telling me how miserable he is with his girlfriend and that he needs therapy and me trying to be supportive, tracking down phone numbers for him to call for help, worrying myself sick….only to have him turn around and back stab me. When a problem arose with one of our kids and I went to him about, he let her run her mouth about me and influence him in the background and ran with it, instead of believing me or giving me the benefit of the doubt. And then to top this off, in case all of this wasn’t enough, he decides to screw me over on our taxes, tells me it wasn’t his fuckin problem and I could fuckin pay it, because he doesn’t live here? After I filed jointly to save his ass from having to pay a $6000 underpayment? Lost my Pell grant money for college because of it and this is the thanks I get? Enough is enough. At some point if you keep piling shit on someone’s shoulders, they’re gonna break. So, I say – you know what I’m done, I’m not helping you out anymore, your unpredictable and you’re an asshole, I tell him I’m not gonna drive the kids 40 mins away to drop them off for his visitations anymore, cause, well, like he said, it’s not my problem. After all, he knew where his kids were when he moved out there – how is it my responsibility now? Then after that – he has the AUDACITY to accuse me of using the kids of leverage.

Why am I writing all this?

I just thought it was about time the truth be told. Not the truth according to Stephanie, but the actual truth. Why would I make this up? It makes me look like a TOTAL DUMBASS! A pushover. A victim. And anybody who knows me, knows that’s the last thing I want to be. But, I am tired of hiding, and I’m tired of nobody knowing. I want somebody, anybody to know the truth. He knows it’s true. And the fact that he will only continue to deny it, says oodles about his character.

 To those who read this and choose to continue to enable him – just remember you’re as much to blame for what’s happened and what’s gonna happen. And really, I mean this from the bottom of my heart – you all deserve each other.  Know that he talks as much and as badly about ALL of you, friends and family, as he does me.  He is two-faced. Bottom line.

 t all hurts. Ya know, cause it’s one thing for him to lie to himself and not take responsibility, but it’s something different for him to continue lying to everyone else. Just to make shit up about someone and sell it like it’s gospel…ridiculous! It’s cruel and unusual punishment. And for what? For loving him? For being there for him? For trying to help? For raising his son from his previous marriage on my own? For giving and giving only to have him take and take?I ‘m just sick of it all. All of this is beyond not fair.  Fine- he doesn’t love me, maybe he never did. Hell, he doesn’t even have to like me. I sure as hell don’t want pity. But, at the VERY least I think I’m owed some appreciation and respect.  Or just leave me the hell alone. Please?

 I can’t take it anymore. I’ve had enough. So, from here on out, it’s about me and the kids. It’s not ever gonna be about him or what he needs or what his problem is, I’m done caring, because he never gave us a second thought. He is responsible for his relationship with them. I am done covering for him. I’m done making excuses for him. I’m done helping him in any aspect – ever! If you can’t understand that – I can’t help you, but…

 I’m just done.

 It’s taken a really long time, but I get it now. No matter what I do – good or bad…. I will be nothing more than someone for him to blame. That’s all our relationship and marriage amounts to. Sad, but true… and I’m ending it.

 No more.

making THIS work

we had this court ordered parenting class wednesday night.

i don’t know why i thought it would be a good idea for us to go together, but by the time we got downtown, i was in tears and realized i had made a mistake.

turns out he has told some people about my blog, people he shouldn’t have. then he had the audacity to tell me to stop writing because he doesn’t want them to read it, he thinks it might hurt THEM to know that we still have feelings and love for one another. it will make him look stupid. there are things he wants me to keep secret so we don’t look crazy. and you know what i say to that and to THEM. here’s a great big FUCK OFF!

had anybody else really cared about him or us or our children and had taken the time to HELP instead of feeding the fire….we might not be here right not. this is my place to get things out so i can heal and move forward and be the mother and friend to my children that they so desperately need right now. remember, my children? none of you know ME and i find it quite amazing that those who had no interest in what i had to say or thought or what i, myself and my husband and family were going through, that now you suddenly care about what i say and think on those matters. it’s laughable. but isn’t going to stop me. i have nothing to hide. see that’s the thing about the truth, when you tell it, you don’t have to worry about who will come across it and what can be done with it. so read on….i don’t care.

after the class we went and grabbed a bite to eat and talked. we talked a lot about his brother and his fiance’. the situations are not the same, but i know where they are, how much it hurts, and despite all the things his brother has done and said to contribute to the demise of my marriage and family, i still tried to help my ex help them. (wow, ex. he really is, isn’t he?) i thought to myself several times, how i wish my BIL had taken the time to help his brother the way his brother so desperately wants to help him. and i also thought how i wish my ex would have wanted to desperately try to repair his own relationship with the same conviction as his brothers. just another fucked up revelation to have.

the weird thing about all this, is that now…for whatever reason, we’re actually talking to one another again. sadly, i think i’ve seen more of the man i love since we accepted the finality of our relationship than i’ve seen in the last two years. his gentleness , like the way when i start to cry he’ll take my hand, his words like when he tells me that he’ll always love me, it’s sincere, very sincere, his respect for me and appreciative of ME, as a person, like when he tells me i have more integrity than most people he knows. that guy….i love, i adore him….i’m over the moon for that guy. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. i wish he knew that. i wish he knew that HE was all i ever wanted. it makes it hard for me. because while i’m happy to see that guy again, i’m angry that he wasn’t around prior and destroyed because he never stays. i wonder why that is. i wonder if it’s me that changed him, is it life, is it circumstance, is it the responsibilities? part of me think it’s old wounds from him previous marriage and relationships that he never healed from and that i know i’ve paid for a thousand times over….. maybe it’s all of it. i just hope that guy sticks around for his children and whatever he can’t be for me, will make it better for our babies.

god, knows i haven’t been myself and i know i’m happy to be putting the pieces of my puzzle back together piece by piece. sincerely, i hope he does the same. nothing would do my heart better than to see him being that guy again, laughing, making others laugh, playing his drums, being the daddy he used to be, loving himself and letting himself be loved, even if it’s not with me.

i ran into my attorney yesterday at the courthouse while i was working. he pulled me aside for a couple minutes and we talked. he told me how hard it had been to see me sincerely agonize over this process and the loss of my marriage. guess he’s not used to that. i personally, just think it’s the loss of the role, not particularly him. the loss of my children’s family. he told me that he wondered if the marriage was really over. he told me that he wanted both of us to make the right decision. he talked about conciliation, which he had to explain to me. i guess it’s just a 90 day delay in the proceeding to explore other options, such as separation, counseling, etc, etc….it doesn’t mean he moves back in or actually that anything changes but we just give it more time. he told me to think about it.

so i’ve been thinking about it. and my thoughts are this: i don’t need 90 days more to sit and agonize over something that seems pretty inevitable. i would need to see some BIG changes. yes, i do hear him talking, he says a lot of good things, but he always has. it’s the actions and follow through where we continually come up short. like when we did counseling before… he said he wanted to, he went and that was about it. even our counselor ended up getting completely frustrated because he was saying one thing and then chucking it all out the window with his actions. and he never saw that. and i still don’t think he does. he thought i was trying to make everything about his drinking, but i wasn’t…it’s just it kept coming up over and over again. he got drunk and said this, he got drunk and did this…EVERY FREAKIN week. so there’s that. that hasn’t changed. let me clarify, i’m not talking about the drinking, i’m talking about follow through. but of course, i’m still terribly scared that he’ll start drinking and go off the deep end again. i don’t need to be the one mothering his drinking habits, i don’t need to be the one telling him to get some counseling to deal with the demons he’s trying to drown out. i won’t elaborate, because it’s not my story to tell. our kids don’t need to see him like that or hear us arguing about it because that’s not all he is and i don’t want to focus on that anymore. i want him to be able to deal with other things. we all need to. plus, it just makes him more miserable. i just need to see him make the initiative to do that for himself without it being contingent anything else. he needs to do it for him and i just don’t see it happening.

then of course there’s the money issues. this was always a problem. he’s just bad with money and then gets mad when i can’t fix it. that is still there. despite me making a list of his bills for him with the dates and amounts and how to pay them…he’s forgotten. i’ve had to give him money i don’t even have for gas, and medication and all of that has gone without much notice. this always leads to another big issue for him, that he thinks i’m trying to be in control of everything. i really don’t want to be. jesus, id love for him to step up and take care of shit and say “i’ve got it handled.” i’d have kissed his fuckin feet if he ever did that. god knows i have enough to keep me occupied. and he cares to much about what everyone else thinks. and that’s just wrong in so many ways. then of course, there’s the abuse. he only put his hands on my twice in our time together, but the emotional, mental and psychological abuse…there’s a lot of work that i need to do for myself now.

i just want to let go and move on. there’s been enough hurt and enough tears. there’s a lot of healing to be had. i want all of this to be over. i don’t want to review the shoulda, woulda, couldas anymore. i’m tired of possibly and maybes and what ifs. i just want to be 5 years away from all of this and have all the answers and see the big picture.

right now i feel like i’m stuck in this little dark corner on the canvas of god’s masterpiece and am desperately wondering what the hell is going on.


image21 years old, proud Mommy of a one week old son.

Daddy is drunk. Actually, at this point he’s passed out on the couch. Pickle tried to wake him awhile ago and got really, really upset when he couldn’t. He asked me what was wrong with him. All I could think to say was that Daddy was sick. Pickle thought he was dead until I kicked him in the ass and he mumbled.

I’d really thought about having Pickle call Daddy’s Mommy so she could hear all of this for herself. She seems to no believe that things are as bad or repetitive as I “make them out to be”. She just says that if it’s that bad or I don’t feel safe that I should leave. OH! Why didn’t I think of that?

She actually recorded herself talking to us on a tape recorder and dramatically gave us the tape while continuing not to speak to us sometime last month,. It really pissed me off but I regressed because of my stupid, blood pressure and a realization my mother helped me arrive at. It’s really not her fault because she doesn’t know the whole story.

In fact, I wonder if any of us really do or if my husband has manipulated us all. He really could make you believe that the sky was green and the grass was blue. Or maybe it’s just us. Like, his Mom and I. Maybe we just do it to ourselves, seeing the potential to keep our hearts safe and casting aside the tough reality. It really is hard to accept the wrong in somebody you really love and even tougher to call them out on it. But if you don’t and they truly self destruct, wouldn’t that be harder?

I dunno.

What I do know is that I am going to have to tough up for the kids sake and make some really tough decision. I am so hurt by him.

The night before my amnio, which could’ve been the night before our baby was born, his Mom took Pickle for the night so we could have some alone time and he got wasted.

Did I ever matter to him?

We (Pickle, baby and I) need him. We love him. Don’t we deserve better? Are we not worth the effort?

And again, what bothers me is not that I wrote that, but that these boys could think that one day. That’s heartbreaking.

I have to do better as a Mommy.

Love does not conquer all

I am now on complete bed rest until I reach 36 weeks, leaving me totally dependent on my husband.

I had to go to the hospital again tonight for monitoring because of blurred vision and dizziness. My Mom took me because he was on call, but when I got home, he was buzzed up. I literally had to crawl up the stairs to bed.

It seems to be pointless to discuss any of this with him anymore. We talk, he cries, he understands, then he drinks. I gave this man a chance after chance after chance. Every reason he has had for drinking, I have knocked down. There are no more excuses. He’s an alcoholic – bottom line.

I told him before we got married, several times, that if he wanted to party and drink himself silly, that if he couldn’t start the life we talked about sharing now, that I would be hurt, but we would make shared parenting work and go our separate ways and not get married if he couldn’t keep his promise to stop abusing because I don’t want to live like this and I didn’t want to be bitter and hate him. I told him he could do that and I was completely sincere and he knew this type of lifestyle would not work for me or for a family. Now look at us. I resent being made into the nagging, bitchy wife. This has to stop.

This is my first and only child. This should be the happiest time of my life and I haven’t been able to enjoy one piece of it. It’s always something.

Besides Pickle’s recent revelation about having been molested, which I can walk through with him and handle, it’s mostly been husband bullshit.


We are going to lose everything

The husband has been smoking pot and drinking tonight.

Pickle and I got home at 8pm from being at my Mom’s all day, sending out baby shower invitation and I could smell the beer seeping from his pores as soon as I hit the damn door. The air smelt like skunk pot. He said he missed us.

I had gone to the store to get something to make for dinner. He had asked me to get beer, but I forgot on purpose. Fortunately, the gas station within walking distance was able to redeem me. We are now in the stumbling, slurring, loud music phase. Pickle has called me into his room twice now to tell me he can’t sleep because Daddy’s music is too loud. I’m sure the new neighbors and the management company he works for won’t be bothered by the music at all. My husband has put in 3 wads of chewing tobacco in 45 minutes and he informed me that we have $45 in our account to last us until the end of the month. How are we supposed to afford this “lifestyle”.

Besides all that, I’m upset, throwing up again, going through massive amounts of toilet paper because my nerves are shot, my blood pressure will not stabilize. How long can I live like this? What will it take to make him stop? Blood pressure must be going up. (Yup, 186/110)  I’m having contractions again and it’s not time. He can’t be born yet. I wish I could just go to sleep, but I can’t. He just turned up his music even louder and the thoughts in my head are screaming.

This is some kind of wonderful life I’ve gotten myself and my child into. I can’t live like this . I won’t let my child live like this. What am I going to do when the baby comes home and my husband is drinking and blaring music while I’m trying to catch 2 hours of sleep between feedings?

To have and to hold from this day forward? Love? Honor? Cherish?

His favorite line is “in sickness and in health”. He always throws that one in my face with his “sickness” but it is not applicable to me, AT ALL. I don’t know what to do . I love him, but not what alcohol makes him when he’s drinking. I hate that.

I just want to be happy and I’m not. After what happened last time, him passing out in the closed garage with the truck running, I really believed that he understood. Why do I believe anything he says? Like when I got home tonight and told him he smelt like beer, he straight up lied to my face, told me he had one. I had to ask about all the beer in the trash just to get anywhere.

edit: End count was 9 bottles and 2-24oz tall boy cans. 

Love lost

I always thought love was to supposed to make the difference in feeling lost and feeling at home. So when you feel completely lost in your home, I guess the logical explanation of whats missing is, love.

Im not even a month married, seven months pregnant and not only am I lost, I’m hopeless. I’ve arrived at this conclusion.

How can someone look you in the eye one night and take you in his arms and say, ” I don’t know what I’d do without you” and the next get completely wasted and not give a shit about you or the child you carry.

I hate him in this moment.

Hehas betrayed me one time too many. I will not subject these children to this. The choices he makes to fuck up his own life are fine, but now he is fucking up his family as well. Children deserve so much better.

I just spent 15 minutes in the bathroom voming, which I”m sure i not very healthy for this baby boy I’m carrying. My nerves are completely shot.

Where is my husband? Downing another beer.

What if I needed to go to the hospital?

How many times do you let someone break your heart? How many vows have been broken when it becomes habitual and you become totally disregarded.

I am about to hit an all time low with no medication and no help and have to pull myself up … alone.

It’s 2:23 a.m.

We’re alone.

I hope it’s worth it. It hurts to think that the bottle of the party is worth more than Pickle, the baby and myself.

I sincerely hope the kids never have that same thought.

God has blessed us and my husband is making a mockery of it. I hope his ungratefulness and pride will not hinder the rest us. I guess I should be thankful that he is a God of mercy. God please take mercy on us.

I want my husband. Here, at home, in every sense. The boys need their Daddy 100%. I think sometimes that maybe he and I are not as connected as I believe. Why is it so good when we’re good and then just so terribly fucked up when it’s bad? I wonder if I’ve absorbed the potential of the man he could be instead of facing reality.

He can be a good man, with an awesome heart, but he is also a gorwn man who cannot break an addivtion and will not reach our and get the help he needs, for his own sake or even for ours.

I love this mand and more than anything I want us to have a family together. A strong family. But I’m not holding the cards right not.

Baby, please … come home to us. For Good. We need you.

Somethings never change

Sticking to form … I’m 21 years old, 1 week married and 6 months pregnant.

It’s after 1 am, I’m alone and my heart is breaking. My eyes are red and swollen. I’m emotionally exhausted but too disturbed to sleep.

My dearest husband worked his first full day at his new job today. The job that is supposed to change out lives, get us out of here, make things better for our “family”.

He got off work at 5pm and got home at 6:30 … with beer. He let his disappointment of there not being any dinner prepared be known. I told him that I had really missed him and had looked forward to seeing him all afternoon, to please not start in on me. I told him that Pickle really wanted Taco Bell for dinner and I thought I’d pick some up and he could get a sub or whatever else it was he wanted after his first day. He said, “Well you need to order my sub and go pick it up. I’m not going out anywhere.” Crack opens first beer. But after he finished off the six pack he had brought home, he was more than willing to run to the store.

I told him I would just go to bed if he was planning to continue to drink simply to avoid another “episode”. When he asked if I wanted anything, I was truthful. I told him “Yes. My husband cuddled up with me on the couch watching a movie without needing a beer to survive.” He told me he would be right back. That was at 9:35.

I got Pickle settled into bed and shortly before he fell asleep he tells me that his “Mommy” made him sad. This time he says “Mommy says bad words and Daddy a motherfucker”. I really would rather that he talk to his Dad about this, but of course, he wasn’t here.

At 10:50, he strolls in with another six pack under his arm and says, “Don’t be mad, baby.” And the story comes. He ran into his brother at the store. He was on his way to work at the bar and told husband to stop up for a little bit so he could buy him a drink. So he went and bullshits with his brothers. He said he watched JBob patrolling by the bar and all the girls were grabbing his ass. “Man,” he said in admiration.

Fine. Great, but in the meantime, you told you spanking new, pregnant wife that you’d be right back and she also told you exactly what she wanted and not only did you ignore that, but you had her worried because you had already drank a six pack and were gone for over an hour on a beer run that typically takes less than 10 minutes in a vehicle with no insurance.

So? I guess I can’t ever hand out with my brothers?” (HELLO?!?) He leaves the room and comes back and approached me on his knees. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to hang with my brothers for a little bit. I didn’t want to look like a pussy.” He told me that me and his family were most important. I wanted to tell him that his actions spoke so loudly that I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I didn’t. I mean, this wasn’t the first time he had said this and it wasn’t the first time he had done this. I’ve just asked him to call and that he sure as shit wouldn’t appreciate it if the shoe was on the other foot. He said he had thought about calling, but just figured I’d be mad no matter what he did. I think I would’ve told him to hurru home and would’ve been disappointed given my request priro to his depature because I had missed him all day and wanted him here., but I wouldn’t have been nearly as upset. He tells me I’m full of shit. I asked him to try it next time and see what happens. At least if I get pissed when he calls, he can know he did his part. I went to bed without raising my voice or even cursing.

Around midnight, the phone search function on the handset started beeping. He knocked on the bedroom door and told me he needed to use the phone.  I asked who he was calling in a half asleep daze and he replied, “a friend“. When I asked who, he didn’t even bother to answer. I told him he wasn’t doing himself any favors and it could be viewed as quite suspicious that he had arrived late twice tonight and now needed to call an anonymous friend. He said that he really didn’t need to use the phone that he was just testing how controlling I was. Now I’m wide awake. I follow him out to the family room and ask him how on Earth he could possibly call me controlling when I’m 6 months pregnant and was left at home with Pickle while he was out on the town doing exactly what he wanted. It’s laughable.

His response was that he came home as soon as he could when actually he had come home as soon as he wanted to and then acted surprised and wounded that I was upset with him. He didn’t think this was true because apparently he had wanted to stay out longer but only came home because I was gonna be “a bitch“. What a strange contradiction from his “I choose a family life over partying” schpeel earlier.

I started to cry and told him he was making me like I had just made a big mistake, that we were back a Square 1 after a week of marriage, that he has promised me that this wouldn’t happen anymore.

At this point his speech is completely slurred and his eyes are barely open. He tells me I’l never understand because I’ve never worked like him to provide so much, to provide everything. I point blank told him that I didn’t want the provisions if they came with a catch of clause of him being able to do and say everything he wanted that wasn’t in the best interest of our family. I didn’t want things like this. “Like what?” he asks. When I started to answer him, he moved his mouth as if to mock me talking. I told him that I wanted to leave but since I couldn’t wake up Pickle at this hour and couldn’t reasonably leave him that maybe he should call one of his brothers and just go back to where he wanted to be. PIckle and I don’t need this shit in our own home. He asked if I would drive him. (Again, HELLO?!?) Therer were only two bottles of beer in the fridge now, which I poured out. He complained about me wasting it.  I told him that one of use needed to gain control over this situation before it got any further out of control because he was already past the point where another beer would even have a point. I asked him to leave again.

He told me it was his house and asked when was the last time I paid for anything or did any work. This from the same man who told me to not go to an interview this morning because he wanted me at home. I tried to just ignore this comment and asked if I could call his Mom to come get him. As I walked down the hallway, he said, “Welcome to the real world, big girl” and then mumbled “fat bitch“. This is when I just started to sob uncontrollably. Again, I wonder how this happens.  Why does he treat me like this? How can he treat me like this?

Last Friday when we got married we were on top of the world, a week later I’m left wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life by just trying to do what I THOUGHT would be in the best interests of both the boys. I want my child to have a family, but not like this. NOT. LIKE. THIS.

Then he yelled down the hallway for me to “shut the fuck up with the crying and grow the fuck up“. I got dressed and told I would drive him over to his Mom’s but that I refused to be disrespected like this in my own hime while carrying his child. He ended up leaving on his own, but not before telling me that it would be my fault if he wrecked or got a DUI.

If I’m honest, it hasn’t been a week. On Monday night, he was really upset because his Mom was being “totally unsupportive” of this new job because it meant we would be moving 30 minutes away. He got buzzed up and started talking to me about it. I listened and was being supportive. He told me that his Mom and Dad thought it was all my idea and that I controlled everything. I told him they could think what they wanted and that all that mattered was that we knew what we wanted and were working as a team for our family’s best interest. He rolled his eyes and said, “Yeh and what have you done lately.” Like, out of nowhere came this personal attack.

I just don’t understand. Will it ever stop? And what will it cost us before it does?