if-you-cannot-love-her-stormy-weather-she-isnt-the-woman-for-you .

Men are analyzers.
When we’re not feeling our best or something isn’t working, we try to figure out what’s wrong. We think the situation through. We calm ourselves down and look at problems systematically. We look for root causes or missing parts or broken pieces. Then, after identifying the cause of the issue, we usually come up with some sort of solution.
We decide, after thinking on it for a day or so, that we need a new fan belt, more vitamin C, or some vodka and a 50 dollar bet on the number six horse. We apply the solution and, before we know it, the car is running great, our sinuses have cleared up, and we’ve blown off the steam we needed to blow off. Problem fixed—except for the hangover.
Issues start when we try to approach our relationship problems in the same way, when we try to project our way of doing things onto the women in our lives.
It might look a little like this:

~

We come home after work or go to her place after school. The moment we walk through the door, we notice her foul mood. Frustration is built up in her furrowed brow. She is a storm cloud ready to crack. Even the room seems to have darkened with her anger. Her wrathful silence is so foreboding that we find it repulsive. A primal part of us might even be a little afraid at these powerful and dark emotions.

“What’s her problem?” is the first question that pops into our heads.

We immediately go into problem-solving mode. We assume there is a specific cause. We assume there is a singular issue that can be addressed that will fix the situation. We rack our brains, but can’t think of anything. Did we forget a birthday? Forget to call? Not notice a new haircut? We can’t figure it out, but no matter how much we ask her what’s the matter, she constantly tells us it’s nothing.

Why does she have to be so complicated?

We sit with her in silence. Maybe make a few more attempts to find out what the problem is. Maybe she lashes out at us because we keep asking, and we don’t really know what’s going on. Maybe we make the terribly silly mistake of telling her to calm down. Eventually we walk out, telling her we’ll come back when she figures out what her issue is and can talk it out like an adult.

At this point, we’ve not only failed our woman, we’ve failed ourselves.

We’ve wrongly assumed her situation is the same as a bike with a broken chain. We’ve wrongly assumed it’s as simple as finding the right piece we need to fix it. We’ve wrongly assumed, like all the other problems in our lives, that it’s our time to take control of the situation.

Like a ship’s captain that finds his vessel has strayed off course, we attempt to change her direction. We’ve tried to steer her, but our woman is not a ship. We are not her captain. She’s the ocean that we’re sailing in—vast and mighty. If we try to wrestle her immense waves we will lose every time. We will drown. She might not even know she’s doing it, but she will swallow us.

Our job is not to be the captain, or even the ship. Our job is to be the rock standing strong on the shores of the ocean that we love. Our only job is to be there, and to be there for no reason other than our love for her waters.
Like any other body of water, there will be days when she crashes against us. Wave after wave, it might feel like the ocean will never again be calm. When her tide is high we may feel like we’re about to drown. Sometimes she hits us so hard we think we might crack. But if we remain full and abundant in our love for her, and constantly present in our masculinity, it will pass.
Her waters will quiet. She will once again lovingly caress us, her waves gently lapping at our ankles. She will completely open her heart in response to our stubborn love. She will trust in our strength, and feel safe in showing us the depths of her dark and healing waters. She’ll let us dive into her completely and we will taste her salty kiss. She’ll show us just how much we have to learn from the mysterious gifts she has to give us.
Until, of course, another storm brews on the horizon. But, our job as the rock never ends.

So if you cannot love her stormy weather as much as you love her sunrise , she isn’t the woman for you. If you cannot find humour in the situation and her need to close up, lash out, or walk away, you’re not the man for her.

If when her waters get rough you cannot give your unconditional love to her, you’re treading in an ocean too deep and powerful for your swimming abilities. It is better for you both if you find a smaller pool to dip your timid feet in, and for her to find a man willing to embrace her inherently wild and endlessly passionate nature.
Author: Michael Giorgi 

Note to Self

1. This isnt a fairy tale, it’s real life and you will create the ending. 

2. Never start a relationship with someone in a desperate state.  When you are lost at sea, any port will be the right port. 

3. If you want to give something a shot, then have the patience to wait this out, let the dust settle and start with a solid foundation. That’s faith. 

4. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Take the time to sit down and write a plan of action. Review your best/worst case scenario and plan for both. 

5. Seek help. Professional help. A counselor who can help you work through the issues BEFORE creating a volatile scenario for you or your children. 

6. Actions speak louder than words – ALWAYS. Pay attention to what they do, not what they say.  

7. If someone wants a future with you and your children, they should be doing everything to show up as a complete person, not in pieces that you’re going to put back together. 

^^remember that if nothing else^^

Friends First

Sometime around New Years I signed on to a dating site. I took the time to write a very detailed “About Me” section and then, I was overwhelmed by the response. 

So overwhelmed that I didn’t respond to any messages and I shut down the profile. After a long discussion with my (longest) male friend about my experiences over the past year and my expectations moving forward, his advice to me was: “Slut it up, Stephanie”.

It sounds way worse than the intended message, which was that I needed to end my streak of serial monogamy and just go on a TON of dates, embrace my passion for learning about people, listening to their stories and getting to know them. It is one of my favorite past times and something I set aside as my depression turned me inward. He was absolutely right. I know what I want and need in a man, but not every man can handle me full on. I have learned that the answer is NOT becoming smaller to make them more comfortable, but I wasn’t sure what the answer actually was. 

Then I began to grow curious and inspected my relationship with this man and why it had lasted 25+ years. Yes, we dated in high school, but even denying a marriage proposal didn’t end our friendship. <— THIS IS THE ANSWER. 

Why is it that when we go into dating that we automatically focus on finding love, instead of friendship? Why do we get so anxious about our worth in a complete stranger’s assessment? Why are we waiting for returned returned calls, texts and affections to determine our relationships fate? When we don’t hear from a best friend, why do we reach out and ask if everything’s ok, instead of thinking “They don’t like me. I wonder what I did wrong?”. 

Turns out upon closer inspection, my longest lasting, most fulfilling relationships were with my friends. The ones who love me just as I am and unconditionally. Those friends have become my tribe, my family. I love my friends. 

Shouldn’t love be … friends on fire? 

Just think about the difference that could made in our lives by approaching romantic partners with a friends first philosophy. 

I’ve started trying. 

I reactivated my account and changed my status to “Looking for: Friends”. I weeded a ton out and also saved myself a whole lot of time just by this one simple click. The results amaze me. Ive been on more quality dates with more like-minded individuals in the last two weeks, than I have in my entire adult life. Im making new friends and I love it. 

Two prospects may indeed start a fire (One, in particular), but in all honesty, I am able to fully enjoy and engage without reservation outside of romance and because Im already certain that I am a respected friend, accepted just as I am, Im daring greatly without the fear of anything being swept out from under me. 

Friends first. I highly recommend it. 

Note to Self:

I know this truth will feel like a knife in your heart—but, my dear sweet woman, if he wanted to be with you, he would be.
If this man who you’ve given so much of your heart to was able to understand even one iota of what your love truly means, then he never would have turned his back on the magnificent woman you are.
Love is rarely mutual, which is why when it is, magic explodes in the brilliance of stardust.
I know it seems like perhaps it’s just bad timing—that maybe he isn’t ready for you, or even that he’s not sure he deserves you—but none of that is the point.
The only thing that matters is that if he wanted to be with you—he would be.
For when a man falls in love with a woman, nothing can stand in the way. Not life, obstacles or even one’s ideas of readiness or worthiness.
Nothing.
Because as much as we’d like to think otherwise, there is no real reason that he’s not beside you this evening, other than the fact that he’d rather be somewhere else.
There’s no greater pain than loving someone and having them not choose you, but the sad truth is that it’s not your fault. However, that doesn’t make it his fault either. Sometimes love just doesn’t work out the way we want it to.
Sometimes it’s just not right—and unfortunately, sometimes it is right, but we choose to walk away anyway.
I wish I could tell you that there will be someone else out there who sees everything that the other man didn’t—and when he kisses you, you’ll understand why it didn’t work out with the man who stole your heart.
However, the reality is—I can’t.
See, there are lessons in love, and sometimes we come face to face with the kind of love we have only ever dreamed of—yet that doesn’t mean it will always have a happy ending.
Sometimes, in this life, we only find something once. We can say that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that there are a number of people who can come together and be happy, and perhaps that is often true—but as you know, so much more exists to love than just happiness.
Yet, even that knowledge doesn’t make it any better—the only choice you have to make is whether you’re going to keep making excuses for a man who can’t decide if he wants you, or if you are going to choose joy instead.
Will you let go of someone who’s never been able to commit to you, and instead, make room for someone who will?
Someday, a man will come into your life, and he will simply show up for you. He will be present, he will be sure, and even if the fires don’t burn quite as passionately, he will stay where others only left.
I know that you love this man who won’t choose you, and I know that there is pain in your heart, because out of everything in this world, all you really want is for him to be there with you—but, my lovely woman, he isn’t.
Any man who really wanted to be with you wouldn’t be this conflicted about it. Maybe there would be things to figure out, or situations to discuss, but that would be something to figure out together.
Maybe it just wasn’t love for him—-or sadly, maybe it was, but he just couldn’t accept it.
We never know what each new day might bring, and while it’s tempting to just sit and wait for the perfect time—hoping that this love that feels so right might eventually come to fruition—sometimes it’s just time wasted.
We each take our own journey in this life, and sometimes these men we love truly do have to lose it all before they realize what they had—or could have had. Sometimes we need to figure things out and grow, but you must realize that if he really wanted to be with you—he would be.
All the reasons he believes about why it wouldn’t work, or why it’s foolish, would suddenly seem inconsequential in comparison to the way your eyes make his heart flutter. The obstacles and difficulties would melt in the heat you both create between you—quite simply, nothing else would matter.
And so, sometimes the only choice we have is to simply love them from afar and welcome new possibilities into our hearts, because waiting can only be done for so long before it is truly done in vain.
No one doubts your love for him, but how long do you want to love a man who refuses to love you in return?
How long will you tell yourself that perhaps tomorrow is the day he’ll decide he can’t live without you?
As difficult as it is to accept, the only reason you’re not with him right now is because he doesn’t want to be there with you. Life is pulling him in another direction—or maybe, it’s just that he’s chosen to walk down a different path. After all, that’s the thing about love—we always have a choice.
And though we may wish he’d made a different one, the reality is—he didn’t.
As much as you may love him, the reality is that if he really wanted to be with you—he would be.

Note to Self

“You’re not crazy, Stephanie. You’re dealing with a near impossible situation that’s devastating. Frankly, I don’t know how you get out of bed everyday, much less remain functional while someone continues to actively break your heart.  That’s not even close to crazy, that’s brave.  Anybody who doesn’t see that, respect it or makes you question it for a second, just doesn’t get it.

One piece of advice: watch what people do, not what they say. It always tells you everything you need to know.”

~ My psychiatrist

10 Things to-do when Im being a B!tch

via: elephant journal

  

Women don’t come with a manual—if they did, men wouldn’t need man caves.

The truth is, part of what makes women appealing can also make them terrifying. Their emotional volatility is either fascinating or distressing, depending on both how it’s expressed, yes—but also how it’s taken.

Every woman’s got her moods. Most men are by turns charmed, bewildered and blindsided by them.

Here are some hints to help you keep your cool when I’m being a red hot bitch:

 

10. Don’t resist it.

I cannot overemphasize this one. Resistance is the most common reason me being a bitch gets us into all kinds of trouble (and not the fun kind instigated by tequila and a hot tub).

In case you’re wondering what this means, it includes saying things like, “Calm down,” “Would you just relax?” “What’s the big deal?” and, “You’re overreacting.”

This is much like pouring gas on a lit flame.

When I’m pissed, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, it’s happening. Wishing it wasn’t or telling me to stop isn’t going to work. It’s similar to attempting to stop a tsunami. Is you telling the big bitchy wave to stop being a big bitchy wave going to work?

Nope. But if you accept that the wave is happening and grab a surfboard, you’ll get farther and be in for a hell of a ride.

I know how complicated women are—trust me, I’m living proof of this. But if there’s anything I’ve learned about men, it’s that the more I’m accepted for exactly who I’m being in this moment, the more I change and morph and melt into something more accepting myself.

9. Know that it won’t last forever.

Have I ever been a bitch forever? Have I? Have you ever known any women who were? (Meryl Streep from Devil Wears Prada doesn’t count.)

No. Emotions don’t last forever, no matter what they are. That’s why they’re called e-motions—energy in motion. There is no permanent state, particularly when it comes to women. We can switch from ecstatic to melodramatic in an instant, and be ready for tiramisu right after.

By the way, do you think that’s easy? No. A lot of the time it’s exhausting. You should try being on this roller coaster of emotion, not just being around it.

8. Know that it’s not really about what it’s about.

When I’m being a bitch, we’re in Emotion Land. We left Logic Land long ago and as much as you may lament its absence, that ship has sailed (right on over the tsunami). I may be crying hysterically ‘because’ you forgot to call, or sniping at you ‘because’ you forgot to buy the right kind of milk. But it’s not really about that.

In other words, it’s not really about what it’s ‘about.’

It’s not that it has nothing to do with the milk; it’s just that it’s more about something else. In fact, I may not even know exactly what’s wrong myself.

The best way for you to deal with this is to stop playing the game of “fixing what this is ‘about,’” and start listening for what it’s really about. The more you can hold off on shaming me for being upset over something ‘illogical,’ the more we can work as a team to figure out what’s really going on.

7. Have fun with it.

Are you one of those people who loves watching sh*t go down when there’s something destructive happening? Are you like, daaamn, look at those waves flood over the boardwalk, or those cars floating down the street, or that (empty) house get torn up by that hurricane? Holy Sharknado, this is amazing!

Use that. Pretend my storm is an actual storm, and you get a front row seat (which incidentally some people would pay for). Witness it the same way you would a tempest—it swirls and rages, lessens and worsens, and eventually dissipates.

Because the things I’m saying and the way I’m acting isn’t ‘the truth.’ It’s just what’s true for me in that one particular moment. It will change in the next moment, just like the weather. And once you stop taking it to be something to be defended against or resentful of, it can actually be kind of entertaining.

I’m like your own personal hurricane. Besides—wouldn’t it be boring if it were sunny skies all the time?

6. When I act like a child, think of me like a child.

Half the time when I’m being a bitch, it is exactly the same as when a 3-year-old is wigging out because s/he’s sleep-deprived. There is no logical reason for the behavior—it’s a physiological reaction. As adults, we assume we’re all capable of being normal, rational beings all the time.

We’re not. Especially not those of us with riotously, spectacularly, outlandishly fluctuating hormones. Did you know that 70% of crimes committed by women are perpetrated within three days of their period? #truth.

Seriously—when I’m whining or bitching or complaining seemingly just for the sake of it, picture me as a tiny little girl in a tiny little dress with a tiny little diaper and a tiny little face red from bawling, who is upset that you just gave her the wrong milk. How seriously do you take that toddler? How much compassion do you have for her?

You always knew I was secretly a three-year-old. Now make it work for you.

5. Call me out (gently).

For me personally, this works best when you give a nickname to my bitchy side.

My ex used to use “’tudy,” short for “attitude-y.” This was brilliant because it named what was happening without making me wrong for it. It also acknowledged that I’m not only that—there are many aspects and facets to me. This just happens to be the one that’s coming out right now.

It usually went a little something like:

Me: [Looking in fridge] “Really?? You forgot that I asked you specifically to get whole milk this week? You know I’m trying out that new Fat Is The New Skinny Diet—you just thought you’d ruin my chances, or what?”

Him: [glancing over at me; pausing for a moment] “Hey there, ‘tudy! I’ve missed you. What you been up to?”

I’d roll my eyes but no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t suppress a smile. He knew me – all of me – and he wasn’t scared of it. Instead of taking my comment as ‘a huge and monumental attack on my manhood that I must defend against,’ it was more like, ‘that bitchy thing Mel just said.’

It’s not that he wasn’t taking me seriously. It’s that he wasn’t taking me too seriously.

4. If you can’t handle it, leave.

It’s all well and good to talk about enjoying it, but sometimes that’s just not possible. In those moments, don’t tell me I shouldn’t be or feel a certain way.

If you can’t handle it, get out the way.

Look, I love my sister like, well, a sister. But she can be a real bitch sometimes. And I’ve learned that occasionally, it’s best to just leave the room. Sometimes I can read her moods and know that she’s ready to talk; other times I know it’s about her blood sugar being low; and sometimes it’s just a different type of mood—the untouchable one. It’s that one where no matter what I say or do, she’s just going to be a bitch.

For the most part, I know when to stick around and when to stay away. Then there are the times when I read it wrong and get scratched by her ‘tudy talons. At that point I retreat into the other room and lick my wounds.

Both are fine, but it’s a whole lot more pleasant when I read it right and beat a hasty retreat. You should feel free to do the same.

3. Take care of yourself.

You don’t always have to put up with my crap. Just because I’m in a bad mood doesn’t mean you’re responsible for it—or for fixing it. As my man, I expect you to give me attention and put energy into the relationship, but I don’t expect either 24/7.

You are, in fact, a whole separate being with your own experiences and needs and responsibilities. And your first responsibility is to yourself: if you can’t handle it or don’t have the energy or just don’t want to deal with me in a certain moment, don’t.

Do not sacrifice yourself or your truth just to make me ‘happy.’ It doesn’t work anyway—you usually get resentful that you tried to help and it didn’t work.

I’d much rather you take care of yourself in the moment and have space for me later, than overextend yourself now and blame me for it later.

Instead, try just letting me know: “Hey, I get you’re upset and I want you to know I care. At the same time, I need to take care of myself right now so I’m gonna go chill for a while. Cool?”

With this you’ve solved half of it anyway just by acknowledging that I’m not okay.

I at least feel seen and I’m also primed to get that it’s not all about me all the time.

Sometimes, it’s easy for me to forget that.

2. If you don’t know how to support me, ask.

You don’t have it all figured out. You don’t have to know exactly what to do or how to do it or what to say or how to say it beforehand. It’s far better to admit you don’t know than constantly attempt to figure out the enigma wrapped in a riddle served on a bed of unpredictable with a little dollop of wtf on top, that constitutes the psyche of a woman.

If you are really at your wit’s end but you do have the energy and you do want to know what’s going on or how to help – ask. For example: “I don’t know what to do or how to help right now, but I want to. How can I support you?”

That will bring me up short.

And much of the time, I will tell you. This can flip me right out of my mood and put me into a different one. I might start to bawl; I might ask for chocolate; I might collapse into your arms and say, “I just—*sob*—want—*sob*—a footrub. Can you—*hiccup*—give me—*searching look*—a footrub?”

Because usually when I’m being a bitch, there’s some need that’s not being met. I don’t feel heard, or I’m craving connection, or I’m not feeling expressed, or I’m just generally feeling like I don’t matter. Here’s a truthful secret for you: sometimes I lash out just to make sure that I do matter—that I can at least affect someone.

The point is, usually all that frustrated and angry energy wants to be transmuted into something else, something softer and more accessible and more yielding. If I’m given the genuine space for it, it will.

You can create that space. Sometimes.

1. Love me anyway.

Please, God, let me find a man who is capable of this. Let me find someone who doesn’t take me too seriously, isn’t intimidated by mood swings, and embraces the fact that I’m pretty judgmental a lot of the time. Let me find someone who knows that while I’m totally imperfect and totally impatient, I’m also totally loyal, totally affectionate, and willing to go all out for my friends. Let me find someone who sees it all—not who shuts down when I’m not at my best.

And if it’s in the cards for me, let me find someone who doesn’t just tolerate me, but genuinely finds my quirks endearing. Let me be discovered by someone who doesn’t see me as a problem to be solved or a thing to be handled, but as a woman to be loved.

Even—or maybe even especially—when she’s being a bitch.