Collateral Beauty

10 years ago today, my husband Chris and I, stood before a judge and were granted a divorce. I stood like a strong tower before him, but in the darkness of a parking deck, I collapsed into a fit of sobs in my best friend’s arms and cried out to anyone listening: “Why?”

After adopting his son, bringing our love to life in two children and staring down my husband’s demons, this finality was incomprehensible. 

Everything that happened after that was a nightmare my children and I stumbled through with faith and the support, love and prayers of our friends and family. There was A LOT of friction and unimaginable amounts of pain. 

The players changed through the years but the game of broken promises and relationships remained the same. Every fall, in October, around our anniversary, I lost myself, my faith … my mind. 

Last year as it happened I found myself at rock bottom, right back where I had started and dug deeper than I ever had before into myself, literally. The recovery from that place brought about acceptance and forgiveness of any and everything that was ever formed against me. 

I found my way to an open and affirming tribe. 

I found myself. 

This past October, Chris would also find his rock bottom, the inevitable destination at the end of a very long road of self-destruction. When I received word, I fell on my face and made a fervent plea: PLEASE TAKE CHRIS HOME, let him find a peace that passes all understanding and finally remember himself. 

Less than a month later, a familiar voice found me by phone, followed closely by tears, words left unsaid and an absolution I thought would never come. 

In December we experienced, what our children proclaimed, a Christmas miracle, together. 

Soberity. Solace. Solidarity. 

I watched my children’s resilience shine. I marveled at the blessings of collateral BEAUTY. 

Despite everything, in spite of the odds, come what may, we are all going FORWARD, TOGETHER, to try and take what was lost and broke and make it right and something BRUTIFUL. 

Love lost

I always thought love was to supposed to make the difference in feeling lost and feeling at home. So when you feel completely lost in your home, I guess the logical explanation of whats missing is, love.

Im not even a month married, seven months pregnant and not only am I lost, I’m hopeless. I’ve arrived at this conclusion.

How can someone look you in the eye one night and take you in his arms and say, ” I don’t know what I’d do without you” and the next get completely wasted and not give a shit about you or the child you carry.

I hate him in this moment.

Hehas betrayed me one time too many. I will not subject these children to this. The choices he makes to fuck up his own life are fine, but now he is fucking up his family as well. Children deserve so much better.

I just spent 15 minutes in the bathroom voming, which I”m sure i not very healthy for this baby boy I’m carrying. My nerves are completely shot.

Where is my husband? Downing another beer.

What if I needed to go to the hospital?

How many times do you let someone break your heart? How many vows have been broken when it becomes habitual and you become totally disregarded.

I am about to hit an all time low with no medication and no help and have to pull myself up … alone.

It’s 2:23 a.m.

We’re alone.

I hope it’s worth it. It hurts to think that the bottle of the party is worth more than Pickle, the baby and myself.

I sincerely hope the kids never have that same thought.

God has blessed us and my husband is making a mockery of it. I hope his ungratefulness and pride will not hinder the rest us. I guess I should be thankful that he is a God of mercy. God please take mercy on us.

I want my husband. Here, at home, in every sense. The boys need their Daddy 100%. I think sometimes that maybe he and I are not as connected as I believe. Why is it so good when we’re good and then just so terribly fucked up when it’s bad? I wonder if I’ve absorbed the potential of the man he could be instead of facing reality.

He can be a good man, with an awesome heart, but he is also a gorwn man who cannot break an addivtion and will not reach our and get the help he needs, for his own sake or even for ours.

I love this mand and more than anything I want us to have a family together. A strong family. But I’m not holding the cards right not.

Baby, please … come home to us. For Good. We need you.