Off guard

I met a friend for a drink tonight after having a unsettling start to this week. Then, we went to see ‘A Star Is Born” together. I guess it is fair to say that I am haunted by the performance. It stirred up memories and emotions in me. I tried to meditate and read unsuccessfully. I’m still lying here awake in these early morning hours not able to appreciate the silence because of the noise of my mind.

I can’t place my finger on what has set my mind adrift and shadow boxing.

And I quote …

We’ve known all of this was at stake since the day Donald Trump was elected ― just as we knew it the day he nominated Brett Kavanaugh. We know the enormous task that lies before us. We’re shellshocked, yes, but we’re prepared.

This brutal, horrendous action only gives us more drive and passion. And it will help us make the case to millions of other Americans that we must take our country back in the midterm elections.

And I quote …

I’m learning to see. I don’t know why it is, but everything penetrates into me more deeply and doesn’t stop at the place where, until now, it always used to end. I have an inner life that I didn’t know about. Everything goes there now. I don’t know what happens there.

The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge

On being “needed”

I’m struggling. Physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

When I tell people this, they tell me I’m the strongest person they know and that they are certain my resilience will break through all of it. Depending on the person, I sometimes just barely confess the truth I’m feeling at my core, that I’m not as certain.

The follow-up response always leaves me confused: “I need you”, they say.

I’m really not even sure what that means.

Perhaps the reason I don’t ask is because I’m afraid that it has more to do with them, than me. Maybe deep down, I can’t conceive that I’m irreplaceable when so many have walked away and lived their lives without bother.

What is the message and/or lesson?