” The pills do work, then?”
“Yes. Mostly. They work but sometimes I don’t work even harder. I’m too broken for the glue to hold without the occasional failure, I’m afraid. I can function perfectly for quite some time, but then…. well something will bump into me and I will shatter”
I keep having this repetitive dream. It often feels like a night terror, I can’t wake up from and when I do,.I’m crying and panicked. It feels … ominous and urgent, but I can’t find my way out.
The characters change but the gist is the same. I am always looking for someone in vain and when I’m trying to convey a dire warning or ask for help, the person who I am talking to cannot hear me. I swear sometimes I will be screaming so loudly that the person’s hair will blow back in it’s wake, but they cannot hear me. Then, they will just disappear and everyone else around doesn’t notice. I will start trying to talk to someone else, asking where the first person went and everytime they look at me as if I’m crazy, so I stop asking. I’m eventually completely abandoned and seach and seach and search for someone, ANYONE, until I wake up.
This time it was my sister.
After waking up and regaining my composure and bearings, I reached over for my phone and googled dream interpretation. I clicked on the first link and typed in: abandonment. This was what came up:
Empath? Is that a thing?
Like someone who feels too much ? To their own detriment?
I feel like this is what I would be like if the weight of the feels wasnt on my shoulders.
Im in my safest place right now. Wrapped up in a hoodie, no kids, under my blankie, in my room, in badass socks, in Bean’s arms.
A few years back, I took these biblically based personal finance courses through a local church with my husband. We were asked in the first class to share our favorite scripture, a Bible verse that had become a life motto, or mantra. I knew immediately what the message was behind the scripture but if my life had depended on it I just couldn’t retreive the words or verse. I was trying again, last night as I was talking to Bean before bed about what the future in our relationship may be like, to share the same sentiment. Again, I just couldn’t remember.
Today, I finally found it. It came up in my Instagram news feed. The timing is peculiar, but I’m so happy to have it back.
Parenting changes a bit when you have teenage girl spawn.
Every time I hear this song, it just brings happy tears to my eyes. I think it’s high time for happy tears in my life. Honestly, the fact that I can believe in love longevity speaks volumes. I don’t even apologize when I tear up. I just smile and let happy tears flow.
Bean – Thank you for bringing happy tears back. Say you won’t let go?
I am in tears right now seeing a meeting between a mother and her autistic young adult son’s therapist in ‘Atypical’ on Netflix. I have never seen THIS kind of real-MYlife played out from so many angles. The things a mother of a child on the spectrum only wrestles with. The empathetic advocacy Ive seen behind closed doors … portrayed ?
Im not sure how I feel about it yet, but for now I guess it’s just nice to have a representation in any form of media.
Ive told Pickle about it and am curious to hear his feedback.
Ive spent my entire adult life trying to save you. Im done. I refuse to suffer at your hands anymore and I wont let my kids experience the fruitless trials that come with trying to love and save you.
If today’s conversation should become our last, Ive made my peace with that.
I love myself and the kids too much to let you rob our lives of anything more.
It is what it is.
Is it ironic that my parents and sister for whom I am just “too much” all arrived at their joint vacation at the same time my boyfriend is mansplaining how much “chaos” there is in my home or is it just really “spit in your face” obvious that I’m fucked up and broken and a burden to everyone?