Ruminating

This is the worst part for me. The uncontrollable, racing thoughts. It’s never good things that race through my head, like “Damn, I’m a badass”. It’s really horrible stuff that makes me feel like an awkward, kid on the first day at a new school. There’s so much information floating around and there’s no where to put it all. You grasp on to pieces to a puzzle without any guidance of how to put it together.

I’ll never be free. Everyone I love will turn their back on me. I never left. I never left. I never left. Inevitable doom. Caged birds still sing because they have a song. Sing, damnit.I miss my Mom. Betrayal. Even by mother. I’m always trying to withstand, be the stronghold. I have encountered many storms (circumstances) that have caused me to lean, but I did not fall. I even self-corrected the lean from where I was, with what I had. Is that instability? Or is it resilience? It isn’t a flaw. Or is it?

Is that conflicted perspective?

Or insanity? On who’s part?

Yes, it’s raining fucking puzzle pieces in my head and instead of trying to keep up or hoping a good soul could lend a hand or encouraging word to help me start sifting through, I surrender. I let the pieces fall where they will.

This is the part where I go quiet and observe …

And I quote …

“I loved you. I lost you; and I advise you: Twas better than to never having had loved at all. But now with more years, with more time…more perspective, I see things in a slightly new way, so here is my advice, updated and recalled:

It’s better to have love and lost, surely, but try never to lose it at all.”

~ William, This is Us