That’s how everything feels.
I just want peace.
That’s how everything feels.
I just want peace.
Maslow believed that to understand the highest level of need, the person must not only achieve the previous needs, but master them. A person’s motivation to reach his or her full potential. As shown in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a person’s basic needs must be met before self-actualization can be achieved.
So, where am I?
I’m struggling with my basic physiology. I’m literally struggling to breathe and even just rest. It makes me feel the weight of Maslow’s pyramid as if it’s stacked up weight was upon my chest. If I am to start at the bottom and work my way up, I need to strap on my gear first. Hell, I should probably just start at taking stock of what is actually going on.
I’m going to close out this blog and get started. I’m going to spend the next 10-20 minutes, downloading apps that will help specifically address the above needs. It’s actually a resource in the palm of my hands EVERYDAY that I am not realizing the potential of. I need to work smarter AND harder. I’m also going to commit to making daily contact with at least one person who can inspire and/or mentor me in continuing the climb because I know I will lose my footing and need this team to spot me up.
again with this facing mortality? attacking my nervous system? psedotumor? vision loss?
you know where you fucked up, right?
it was allowing the synchronicity to get through. it was allowing me to know being breathless from ailment, effort and passion. the sweet and the sour.
it’s my life it’s better left to chance i could have missed the pain, but i have had to miss the dance.
and fuck that and fuck you.
im gonna do my thing. period
My spinal tap showed increased cerebral spinal pressure, which we already knew from the vision loss. This accounts for the inter cranial hypertension diagnosis. The MRI was normal. My blood pressure is finally back to normal. This is attributed to a bad combination of dehydration from being sick all the time and lithium. Turns out lithium had been making me sick for quite some time. My doctor says we will need to keep monitoring symptoms and give it more time before we would move on to brain surgery and it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I don’t want my brain cut open.
This means giving it more time. My patience is wearing thin, but I am encouraged by other areas of my life coming together. Finances are just about straight. I’ve had more friends stop by in the past month than all of last year. Kids are back on track. My niece and nephews brighten everyday. There’s just something about raising kids that fulfills my soul. I have also had the sweet relief of knowing my kids would be watched out for and loved, genuinely, for the rest of their lives. I cannot tell you how heavily that has weighed on my heart and the enormous weight that has lifted from my shoulders. That, in and of itself, has been a major contribution to my stress relief. I am so incredibly grateful to my best friend, Tess, for being an unbelievable source of strength and comfort to me.
THIS is where I need to keep my focus.
i’m currently dealing with a somewhat life or death scenario. if you’re wondering how something can be somewhat of a life or death situation, you’re not alone. in summary, it’s because the doctor currently in charge of me medically has decided he’s some great all knowing wizard who is keen on assuming that the intercranial hypertension is being caused by a medication ( which ive been told I shouldn’t stop taking by the doctor prescribing) even in the face of lab results disproving the theory and sending you home, despite everybody you know and anything any us could find on the internet saying the condition requires immediate medical treatment.
it’s a fairly common thing for people with scleroderma to develop serious problems with their. Ital organs (heart, kidneys). i don’t know how much more patience i can extend here. all I know is that something is off and I want to get to the bottom of it. this is not conducive to my mental health.
if anything should happen please transfer custody of my beloved children and house to my best friends, Tess and Pat. although it wasn’t easy, we have discussed that these are my wishes.
facing mortality is tough, especially when it’s your own mortality and you’re a single mother. honestly, if im going to die, so be it. im not afraid to die. the thought of not knowing what might happen with my kids, well, i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Yesterday was loaded with tensions between Jedi and I because he’s gotten a little too big for his britches and doesn’t understand that the only reason he has britches, is because of me. I generally find being more adaptable than rigid is the way to go with teenagers. For the most part, it works, but other times they can push the few inches I give for miles and before we know it, lines of respect have been crossed and I have to put my foot down.
Raising a man is a hard line to walk as a single mother. I’m aware of the fact that he is technically the man of the house and do not wish to be emasculating, but in most ways he is not even close. The responsibilities and sacrifices aren’t there, but you can be certain the ego is.
For the most part, he was apologetic and accountable, but there was that small piece where he 1. Wouldn’t accept ‘no’ as an answer; and 2.Raised his voice to me. Something about it made me flashback to another time and place…another person. Fight or flight kicked on and it really took every logical piece of my brain to walk away.
A couple hours later, after having a really heart-warming moment with Diva and Bean, I got cold sitting outside and had to retire for the evening. I went to bed with a smile across my heart. Guard down….
BAM! Out of nowhere I feel a touch on my skin that I don’t recognize and become guarded. A smell penetrates my memory and I’m left feeling like vulnerable prey. Everything in my body is on high alert. I want to scream, claw, run. I don’t know what I said out loud , but the only words that I could grasp and utter was “logically”. I was half in the present, but also dissociative. Logically, I knew I was in a safe space with someone who would do just about anything to ensure it, but my memory was somewhere, with someone who was attempting to forget his pain by exerting his power to create mine.
I could not be more thankful for Bean’s gentle affirmations and quiet assurance once he recognized the fear in my eyes. Being even pseudo-rejected for something that he would never do, could not have been easy. He let me gather my composure, tucked me in and held on to me with both arms, reminding me that he loved and respected me. He heard me. He had me.
I laid there most of the night worrying that I had just revealed too much crazy behind the curtain. I wondered if this was why the men who came before him had retreated and then I cried wondering what impact this would have on him.
I can’t be sure if what had happened early with Jedi had stirred this perfect storm of trauma. Bean saw it as a growth experience for us, risk management.
Only thing I can be sure of is that PTSD is a bitch and I’m emotionally drained.
Ive been sick the last couple days.
Lots of sick after having the audacity to eat steak at a wedding Saturday and again Sunday while having Fathers Day dinner with my Dad. Bad move…
The being sick seems to have passed while the feeling sick hasnt OR I did not absorb enough anti-depressant during being sick. Sigh.
It’s usually hard to tell until you’re drowning … tumbling down the rabbit hole.
Kids have been quiet, doing the lazy, teenager summer schtick.
Dog is still low-key dying *sniff*
BOY friend is out of town. Family vacation. Which feels a little weird to type…
It’s strange to know so many intimate details of someone’s life and yet … not know them intimately, in that way.
See, it’s weird.
Wait … is this the rabbit hole?