a much needed compliment

We met with the personal trainer this morning to discuss where we have been, are at presently and the goals we would like to achieve going forward. I talked about everything I had been through and followed it with: “My main man here told me that I have done enough for everyone else. It’s time to learn how to be  selfish and  that is going to start by me taking care of myself, before I can give to anyone/anything else, even him.” With great trepidation I turned to him to await his reaction. He turned away from me, looked our trainer right in the eye and with complete sincerity, he said:

“She’s the most amazing woman I have ever known.”

Wild Woman Sisterhood

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” ~ Jane Howard

I am so very thankful for my wild woman sisters from other misters today. We were supposed to have book club last night, book club. Innocent, enough. As it turns out, our fearless female leader had fallen ill, so the two sisters I had tagging along for book club and I ended up at barcade. We got our Yoshi, pinball, PacMan, Skee-ball ON and were silly and wild and there was so much laughter and joy. Different ages, different races. Delicious ambiguity.

Yes, please, may I have some more?

Sunday’s Song

I watch your lips moving
I see the words taking shape
But love’s like a language
I cannot translate
I can’t afford to be careless
And let you in
I turn my head for one minute
And lose everything

Wish I had someone whom I could lean
Cause everybody’s always counting on me
With my hands held real tight
Always ready to fight
For the few pieces of joy I have now
You have turned on a light
And I’ve lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found
Of a dream of a love one day found
So don’t let me down

Your past it may be rocky
But your present is clear
My present situation
Is the sum of all my fears
I take responsibility for the few things I done right
But I got so much on my plate
I’m scared to take another bite
Wish I had someone on whom I could lean
Still I don’t want no one’s charity

With my hands held real tight
Always ready to fight
For the few pieces of joy I have now
You have turned on a light
And I’ve lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found

Heartbreak and bullets can try
To steal any good from my life
Fathers and lovers have lied
Rivers have flowed from my eyes
Never seen love face to face
Just seen it walking away
Why would you think I would recognize
Something that’s never been mine

You have turned on a light
And I’ve lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found
You’re the dream of a love one day found
And the freedom from what kept me bound
And a promise of staying around
My eyes may not work for me now
But my heart sure remembers the sound
So if you saying it
Please say it loud
And don’t let me down

please?

Hello Darkness, my old friend

Currently I am  experiencing a lot of visual disturbance (and periods of intermittent blindness) in my right eye, mostly. I cannot verbalize the anxiety that comes with these “visual events”. It’s pretty daunting to be facing blindness. What I;m proud of is this:

As a means of immunosuppression, my doctor placed me on steroids prior to starting chemo that has me unable to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. As well as this and not being able to sit still, I’ve been pacing on a hardwood floor. Im experiencing something like painsomnia.

Instead of losing myself in worry, I’m watching Planet Earth on Netflix so that this eyeball can serve out an “I got to see that”/vision loss bucket list of sorts and I feel pretty damn proud of myself for being able to just sit here and be still in this.